As I stare at him, trying to make a sense of what is happening, as I try to read him which I always did, the kind of words he just spoke, the type of tone he just used, the kind of look on his eyes, his body gestures…And they all voices me his nerves. It’s been a long time since I saw him nerves slaying him into pieces and it makes me anxious. I’m not dreaming but it feels so, not like I’ve dreamt about this before, but because it’s strange.  I only know about nightmares, the ones I only see as soon I close my eyes. But an only one faded dream remains in my memory, which is him smiling but its starting to evaporate slowly.

“Yes!”

If I misheard it or whatever that question was I’ve just answered him yes and I don’t regret an ounce.

But, he wants to marry me?

“I hope this isn’t joke…I mean you aren’t joking, right? This is for real, right?”  I ask him with hesitant smile. It isn’t like he jokes, and I can’t even remember the last time he joked, but to me it sounded like one. And it’s very strange and funny from the man that can’t bear your guts is now asking you to marry him, it’s either he went mental, or I’m missing out something as he always says ‘the outside world went mad while you were ‘inside’"

“Do I look like I’m kidding to you?” he says with cold steady tone.

And as I thought this man rarely jokes and especially when he looks dead serious and this is making me very nervous, “No… I mean it was like out of sudden thing…” I stuttered trying to not make him angry.

And I laugh from nerves that were killing me since he has asked me that question, and without me knowing I was laughing loudly,as  sometimes I forget that there’s a person living with me as mostly I am alone in this huge apartment. Therefore, I mostly think loud as what’s the point of me thinking quietly, let the walls hear my thoughts.

“Is this funny to you?” he asks me with grinding teeth.

Oh no.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh…I-ts j-ust my b-rain is-n’t w-orking” I replied with nervously and I just hoped he isn’t angry.

“I can’t.” he replied.

“It’s fine,” I say.

I have a feeling that he got a blameless reason for asking me that kind of question, as I know there’s no way he’d marry me. As I just stood there, he locks his eyes with mine showing that he’s bewildered with my answer. Like I have said something wrong but isn’t that kind of answer he wanted?

As he intends to leave the room, but as if he remembered something he faces me again.

“Are you hesitant about this?” he looks at me with irritation and curiosity.

It’s not like I’m hesitant or anything, I already gave you my answer, I’m just hoping your reason is good enough. Good enough that would lower a tiny bit of my pain.  If you know me well, I’m not that type of people who’d regret or heisted about anything specially when it involves you.  I don’t find it pathetic when the person would do anything for their loved ones but I find it brave. I’m not heisted about this even if it’s going to destroy me or kill me, why would I? You don’t even know my pain, you don’t even know the pain I’m through everyday, what