Time passed really fast. Through the 2nd session in that senior year, my heart suffered so many times. It was all caused by HER. Until now I still remember every emotion of mine back then. Could I call it “my first love” ? I didn’t understand anything about LOVE, and even when I had a crush on Sulli, I confused more.

I think U would ask, why didn’t I confess to her? Why didn’t I take a move first when she still not yet let Minho know her feeling. Just because I was afraid of losing. If I had told her everything, would she accept me? Or she would run far away from me more than before? She didn’t have any good time when she was near by my side. All were fear and madness. I couldn’t make her smile, I always brought bad memories to her. I scared if I’d told the truth then I would lose her forever. So I decided to be silent. Silently watching her from afar, silently be happy when I saw her smile. It was so peaceful when follow her steps. When my life seemed go too fast, she was the only one could slow it down. Onew told me once that: “Taem ah, First love is the most unforgettable love. It happens in a moment that you’ll never have ability to predict. When you have a first love, don’t think too much, just love as much as you can. Because at that time, you won’t love by your mind, you’ll love by your heart”. It was so funny when my dorky friend- Onew, who always made everybody laugh by his jokes can talk those thoughtful words. Haha, but I thought it was the most senseless words I ever hear. Then when I met Sulli, It was completely right.

Actually,  It wasn’t true that I never told her my feeling. I told her onetime, even before all my classmates. It just that I said through my own language, my owns code.

In a literature class, we was listening our teacher explaining about the secret meaning behind flowers. She asked me: “Taemin, which kind of flower you think is loved most by human ?”.

“I think it’s Rose. Because Rose represents for love. A kind of flower has gorgeous looking and attracted aroma”.

“Good! You seem know really well about flowers”.

Ah, I wasn’t good at literature but I liked reading book. My mom owned a flower- shop so it was easy for me to talk about those issues. Then my teachers taught us that human had connection with flowers. Everybody has characters similar with one kind of flower. She chosen some pupils and requested them describe some others by using flowers.

Suddenly she took me, she asked me do that with Onew and Krystal. Well, because they were good guys so I didn’t had to lie.

…….Onew – Daisy - purity, innocence, patience and simplicity

Krystal – Violet - Modesty; calms tempers and Mysterious

Onew and Krystal were really happy. They smiled each time I finished my comparison.

“Oh Taemin, you’re incredible. Let’s see, we should chose some one else to let you guess which flower will fit well”

OMG I prayed that it would be Luna, it was the only one from entire class I wanted to talk about. But she chose Sulli, What!!!!!!!!! It was Sulli, maybe God always like teasing me. Even in my dream I couldn’t think my teacher would chose Sulli.

...the heart that has truly loved never forgets,
But as truly loves on to the close,
As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets,
The same look which she turned when he rose.

- Thomas Moore -

“ She looks like a sunflower. Who always care about just one person. Who has a smile so bright, who is a strong person, always cheerful even in the most terrible situation. And because my favorite flower is Sunflower”.- How could I say that infront of all classmates, how could I tell my true feeling when my heart already jumped like it already got out of my chest.

At that time I was tongue-tied, couldn’t think a better way to lie, I talked : “Su…Sulli, uhm, She … ah … She looks like a sunflower”.

“Sunflower, wow it’s nice. Why did you think that’.

“Be…Because… When she smiles, her face will become round shape, it … it’s similar with that kind of flower”.

Hahaha … everyone couldn’t hold back their laughter, how couldn’t they laugh when I said such a stupid answer like that. I shifted my head to Sulli, so sad that she looked really mad. She didn’t laughed or looked back at me.

Her silence. It was so scared…

“ How do you think Sulli? Do you like sunflower?” - My teacher said, what the hell? Why she couldn’t let it pass, why she had to ask Sulli’s opinion.

“ I hate sunflower” – 3 words, just 3 words were all she said.

“I hate sunflower”- was there any worse sentence than that? Yeah, there ‘s no girl like someone say their face is around. Maybe they think “round” is the same with “fat”, and “fat” mean ugly.

So I made her have one more reason to hate me. Was it true that first love really pure? No, I didn’t think so. To me, It was really complicated, it let me down so many times. But why didn’t I stop? WHY?

I guessed in her eyes, I was the most hateful boy she ever know. Using wrong words made me get wrong responses.

Until that time, The distance between us seem further. I lived in my own world and so did she. We didn’t have even just one eye – contact. But I didn’t give up because I believed in God, he always knew all of our wished. Finally Fate gave me a chance. But before that, It made me suffered the worst things in my life too.

In my last months at 2nd term of that year, when we prepared to graduated from my elementary school, I got a big chance. My school held a challenge competition for my dancing class. It could be called a audition to find out a talent student for the best Art High school – SM Seoul High school.

Learning at SM Seoul was my biggest dream from the day I decided to be come a dancer. It was the best school, where you would be taught by the most famous professional dancers. But my family couldn’t afford to let me learning there. The only one solution for me was that competition. The winner would gain a scholarship and a chance to dance for school’s dance crew. It was the most honorable award I ever dreamed about.

All that period of time, I tried really hard to prepare for my competition. I gave up all entertainments and spend all my free time on practicing. Every members in my club did that, too. It would be a hard challenge when we knew just one person would be chosen to be the winner.

Everyday in a week, we gathered in school yard and try our best to fix every small mistake in our moves. I could talk that maybe I wasn’t the best in any field but I got the highest position in my club. I was always on top of my trainer’s list. Maybe dancing was the only thing that made me be proud of myself.

Honestly there wasn’t only me, my friends were trying so hard back then. They had their own dream to chase, too. Key wanted to be a designers so he used almost time in learning about fashion, art and painting. Jonghyun – A boy who had a genius voice – singing was became his precious girlfriend. He lived in training room more than the time he lived in his own house. And my trustful friend Onew, he love science so much, library and lab became his best friend instead of me ( just kidding). He was preparing to enter “Seoul City High school for the Gifted ” where he would be taught by the best teachers.

            And finally, Minho, who hated losing so much. He wanted to take part in the National Karate team and sport was his life. Everyday He practiced in karate room till nobody stay there. He wouldn’t come back home if he knew still have someone keep staying longer.

I was really busy, I even couldn’t found out just a little free time to relax. But I still had time to Care about HER. She wasn't weak girl, who just had a beautiful face and couldn’t do anything well. Opposite, she could be a model for anyone who wanted to be a actor. She spent all breaktime to reading books even in lunch time. U would think acting was easy but through her, I think it was the most difficult dream. My friends told me that she wanted to get in SM Seoul ,too. It is Art High school that many famous artists learnt. I saw she read many kind of books. I guessed she wanted to be a talent actress who had knowledge in many fields. She learnt piano, ballet, acting and languages ,too.

Sometimes she fell asleep in class, she looked really tired. It made me hurt when seeing her like that but it made me admire her more. “When u want to have something u’ll have to lose something else-  Maybe it was the only way for all of us to chasing our own dreams.

I couldn’t see her peek up Minho at those windows frequently like before. She just appeared there in short time and I even didn’t know when she would come. I thought they just were her short breaks before she continued another class in her busy working calendar. Minho practiced everyday so it was easier for her, she could watch him anytime she could. Ya, she was really stubborn, why she kept doing that when she didn’t have enough time for herself. But I was obstinate, too. I didn’t say anything to Minho …

Finally My competition came. It was hold in a Saturday night at my school’s hall. All pupils gathered to cheer for us. When u lived in a small town, u know u couldn’t have many chances to join some entertainment activities so my competition gained most attention in my school. Each of us had to dance with another candidate who was chosen by our examiners before the session just one week. My partner was Chunhee, he was my rival, too. Both of us were at the same lever. My coach once said that, the only thing different between us was the emotion when we dance. He thought I was better because I gave all my soul sink in the melody. Maybe because of what my coach said Chunhhe envied me so much. Being a partner with him was a disadvantage for me. We practiced together but all the time we fight or he didn’t say anything and didn’t try to help both of us improved ,either. It looked more like he wanted to let me down.

He even pushed me fall sometimes when we dance together. Actually he couldn’t do what he want, I wasn’t a fool, handle with him wasn’t a big deal.

In that Saturday night, when we got into the stage, I thought he wouldn’t have any chances to hurt me more but I was wrong.

When we did a complicated move together he pretended to slip and push me off the stage. Everyone laughed again, they thought I fell off by myself, they called me a nut, a loser or any bad words they could think of . My left leg was hurt and I even couldn’t stand up. Key and Minho helped me go back to the health room.

“ I can do it again. Please let me do it again” – I said thousands times that sentence to my trainer. Finally he agreed …..

My best friends , they were there too and they insist on not letting me continue. I knew they worried for me but at that time it was my last chance, I couldn’t miss it. I still come back the stage to complete my solo’s part. Although couple dance part was counted but we had solo part for everyone ,too. If I could get the best highest mark in that part, I still had another chance to be the winner.

When the music was played, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and starred to dance. The music went through my body, I could feel every beat in my heart. The song’s melody flew my mind away and let me sink into my moves. When I opened my eyes again I could see the audience really excited about me, they clapped their hands and screamed out my name. it was the 1^st time in my life I could be proud of myself.

If everything was alright, if it would go in right track then I had been so lucky.

In half of the song, suddenly I felt like all my body was tied up, my head was in pain and I couldn’t breath at all. I fell off one more time and once again everybody laughed…

God must like tease me so much, but not by a normal way, it was a heartbreaking way.

When I thought I already could make my dream come true, I could make everyone who hurt me have to shamed for themselves then at the I was the one who made myself became a clown in my own show.

I stood there, seeing Chunhee stealing my dream away. He was smiling like nothing ever happened. Why could he so evil like that ? my mind was fill of anger, hurt and regret. I couldn’t stand seeing that evil face anymore. When his hands touched the cup and the school reports pretended to take a photo for him ,I turned my back to leave. At that moment all of hall’s lights suddenly were turned off. I chuckled , yeah at least hid victory wasn’t completed. Thank Goodness ! he liked teased others too.

I walked to home lonely, left behind my back that darken night…….

When u love something too much, u always think that u will die if one day they don’t belong to u anymore. Then what will u do when I it come true sometime ……

Till being a child, I always danced whenever I could. I never ever imaged if I couldn’t dance one day…….

But after that night I had t learn a hard lesson : “Nothing is impossible”.

In the next morning, when I woke up, I couldn’t move my left leg. My dad took me to the hospital, he thought I had something wrong with my legs. I still remembered clearly the moment the doctor told me the truth. My heart was broken into thousands pieces, my lips couldn’t say a word and my eyes ware full of tears. He explained that because I didn’t stop right after my left leg was injured and tried to dance one more time so my situation was worse. I needed a surgery to help me could walk again but until that accident I couldn’t dance anymore.

It was like the worst nightmare of my life. I begged him to save me, I even kneeled to him but the answer was always just one : “ I’m really sorry for you but I can’t…”

Without dancing, my life was . Every time I tried to dance just one simple choreography, my leg was hurt so much, at the end I fell off over and over again.

I didn’t know how many nights I cried until there wasn’t no tear left to flow. How many times I screamed in my room, broke everything around me and wanted to killed myself.

But every time I wanted to end my life I always thought about my parent. Even they couldn’t buy a good meal for their own, even they couldn’t get new clothes in a long time they still had money to buy the most expensive DVDs and shoes for me. Because  they loved me more than their own lives and because they knew I love dancing ,too. How could I turn my back to those people who gave everything they had to me and didn’t request me give anything back.

So I decided : if I couldn’t live happily, at least I wouldn’t die.

I gave up my club, I hidden all my DVDs and dancing shoes away.  I closed myself to anyone who wanted to approved me. I still was alive but my soul was died.

Every night I couldn’t seep well because of  nightmares and pain. I even couldn’t go to school frequently. Every time I heard people chatting and joking  around my head was dizzy and my body trembled, it was like a sharp knife caused a deep cut into my heart.

My mom worried again and my dad took me to the hospital one more time.

If I thought my life wouldn’t worse than ever then I was wrong again….

The doctor said I have a strange disease – it’s called  Social anxiety disorder

I even didn’t understand the meaning of that name, in a simple way it meant that I scared crew. Staying in some places where have many people was impossible to me. Anyone had the same sickness like me, they couldn’t go to anywhere crewed, no party, no dancing, no vacation, even no train. It was such a joke for me. My life was stuck and now it was wasted.

My friends knew about my illness too. I knew they worried about me so much, because of me they had to try hard to not hurt me. Onew didn’t ask me go to the park with him like before anymore, instead he often went to my house and help me do my homework. I felt guilty when I let them go through so many hard things but I couldn’t find out a way to get out that terrible dream.

Without them I wouldn’t never have a way to move on.

Dancing left me, just music still stayed by my side. Out of class hours, I did nothing, all I did was listening to the music. I lived in my own world for a long time, then it just changed to a more narrow world ,right ?

Everything changed, just one thing was the same.

Watching Sulli from far away………

Every time I saw her smile I couldn’t hold back my breath , seeing her through my sad eyes, maybe it was hurt but it was peaceful too.

She was like an angel with warm heart and pure soul. At that time she tried many casting auditions and she failed many times too. But not just one time I saw her sadness in her eyes. She still non-stopped,. If she lost she would stand up and do it again. Following each step she made I could feel she love this life so much.

One time when my literature teacher asked Sulli : “ How do u think about life , Sulli ? if it always bright to u sadness , then will u still want to live this life again ?”

“ I think life’s beautiful. If it let us down then someday it’ll help us stand up again. Just because some people couldn’t be patient enough to wait so they missed the chance to save their own life”

Such a mature thought, although she didn’t talk to me but it was like she helped me understand the reason why I have to go on.

The truth was that we never had a official conversation but we had a look-alike one ,too. It was in a history class. I didn’t like that subject much so I took out my mp3 and hidden it under my arm to listen to music. Our teacher demanded us to be in groups so he let Sulli sit next to me. I couldn’t hear the teacher tell her move to my seat so I was really shock when she came to near me. My heart thumped so fast and my eyes couldn’t dare to look at her. I just continued listening but my ears couldn’t hear just one note. Even I didn’t turn my head to her side but I knew she was writing something. It seemed she didn’t like history much, her notebook was not a history writing, it was full with many colorful pictures and something else.

I thought Everything would still like before, even we were near by but we wouldn’t say anything.

Then all of sudden, she tapped my shoulder slightly and pointed out her finger to my mp3. I could told that her face looked really cute at that moment. She kept starred at my mp3 and even didn’t wink just once. I got it ! she asked me sharing my earphones to her, she wanted to listen ,too. I didn’t say a word ,my fingers tremblingly took out one of my earphone and give to her. she didn’t say anything too, she just sat there and silently listen to the music. Maybe I was wrong, she didn’t hate me, it just she didn’t really like me. Maybe she only felt uncomfortable when I did something weird. Or I was imaging too much ???? at, least she didn’t scare to have a silent conversation with me.

Seeing her head sometimes nodded follow the melody, I swear it was the most funny action u would  ever see.

Her round eyes closed and her pink lips slightly smirked , maybe she loved music so much. …

I wished that boring class hours would be forever, sitting beside her was all I needed, even I couldn’t gain any attention from her.

When the bell rang, we still didn’t speak out just one word, she stood up and gave back me the earphone. Before she left she nodded, maybe she wanted to thank to me. Wow such a polite girl !

Back then I thought it was the last chance for me to be near by her. Even we didn’t have any connection but I didn’t want to request anything more.

Now when thinking back , I realized that the sentence : “people never know when destiny will give u  a surprised bless” was totally true

It wasn’t my last chance ……………..