It’s has been 5 months since that snow night, everything is happening like a dream. Now, Sulli was a “friend” of mine. Actually, I still didn’t have one more chance to meet her in hands. She was too much busy with her work, and for me even if I wanted to go visit her, my sickness always was the reason I couldn’t deal with. Every time I came to the station, the feeling of scaring crowd always obsessed me.

At least, now I knew Sulli’s phone-number and it seemed I made our relationship closer.

Until now, I realized I didn’t know Sulli well. She had so many different sides I never could find out. If three years ago she was a kind, pretty and warm - heart  person then now I saw she was more than that.

I could see that she’s a cutest girl in this world but also was the most naughty one I’d ever known.

We usually talked through messages and calls. I was surprised when she sent me messages everyday. I even saved our messages in my computer so I could read them again and again when I felt sad. You must think I’m crazy, but to me they were the most valuable thighs of mine. Because of them I could understand more about the one I love, and the more I knew her the more I couldn’t stop falling for her.

Sulli was a big fan of taking pictures. One time, in just one day she even sent me 20 photos of her. It was fun when reading her adorable messages:

 

 

 

“Taemin! What are you doing now? I’m bored. I’m in waiting room, it’s hot here. It makes me felt dizzy. Look! I took a self-cam.”

 

“I’m at home, doing some homework. You look tired. Your eyes seem smaller. Don’t try too hard, just rest when you feel tired.”

 

“It’s ok. When I tired, my eyes can’t open. Do I look really tired. Oh, I should drink some water. Ah, do you know what show I’m joining? It’s called….”

 

It was always like that. First she would tell about herself then she would change to the other topic quickly. She usually talked about some random things. I still laugh when I thought about time when she sent me 5 letters just to describe a PD’s face that she though it was really funny.

 

 

“ Hey, Chu ~ I have just finished my shooting ^^ Look, are these glasses cute ? do u wanna have a pair like this ? I’ll buy for u”

 

“ Thanks Sul, but I think they suit with you more : D”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ Pretty, Pretty Ssul is preparing for a new audition ^^ ”

“ Yes ; D Pretty fool have to take care of yourself, you look thinner recently><”

 

Sometimes, she made me really annoy when she tried to introduce me with other girls.

 

“ Hey Taem, do u remember Luna & Krystal ? they look so beautiful now, right ? u must meet them, they’re best girls I’ve know * 0 * ”

 

“ I don’t need more friends Sul, dealing with a troublemaker –friend like u is enough for me :)”

 

“ Guess where I am now ^^ ”

“ are u hiding in a cupboard ? ”

“ keke ur such a intelligent one ^^ yes, it’s a huge cupboard of a studio, interesting ,right ^^ ”

 

 

“ Hey ! I was invited by a radio show, Look! Tomorrow this pic will be posted in many websites, I really worry T.T”

“Don’t worry ! u look fine here ^^ everyone will love this pic ^^”

 

We just called to each other at nights, when she didn’t have any schedules. Actually, I wasn’t the one called first, Sulli was. You knew my character, I was not confident with girls. Sometimes I wondered why she called to me frequently like that:

“Hey Sulli, don’t be mad if I ask you this question?”

“Go ahead. I bet you can’t make me mad. You can’t hurt anyone with your slight voice.”

“C’mon. Don’t joke around. Uhm…. Why… why did you call to me? Did you call to others frequently like to me?”

“Why? You feel tired when I call you everyday? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that”

“No, no. it’s just… Oh forget it. I must lose my mind. I’m sorry. Actuary I don’t have many friends. You’re the only one called to me. It makes me feel less bored.”

“Really ? I thought I bothered you. The truth is… I never call to anyone much like to you. It’s better when I could share my thoughts to someone. It’s just like… just like “best friend” ”

“Oh, so I’m your best friend, already?”

“You…you don’t like be my best friend?”

“No, I love to. Ha ha ha.” – I didn’t know why I laughed at that time. Maybe laughing was the best way to hide my feeling. It was good when I knew she saw me more than normal friend but “best friend” wasn’t the words I wanted to hear.

Sometimes she called me in the midnight just to say something really weird:

“Taemin ah, did you sleep?”

“What’s wrong, Sulli? Why do you call at that time?”

“I don’t know. I can’t sleep. My eyes just can’t close.”

But sometimes they were just some silent conversations, when I just could hear the noises she made when crying through the phone. It was when I knew she was hiding somewhere because everything was too hard for her. It was also when I knew I didn’t have to say anything, she just needed me to be there, sharing her sadness, comforting her by unspoken words.

And when she wiped away her tears, she would say:

“I’m done.”

All I needed to talk was just these simple words:

“You did a good job”

But I wasn’t the only one who comforted her. I was comforted, too. Sulli always know whenever I was sad. She said when I’m sad, my tone usually change.

It was when my sickness made me feel nervous, made me have to run away from everyone, made my heart hurt and my mind lose. I would call to her and just said: “Sulli ah”

She would know there were something wrong to me immediately. The way she made me feel better was really strange. She would wait for me until I calmed down and then she would star singing after that.

Sulli wasn’t a good singer, and she just knew only 3 songs: Happy birthday, 3 Bears, and a song that I even didn’t know where she learnt from. And when she finished her 3 songs, I always said in laughing:

“You’re such a terrible singer, Sulli”

She was never mad at that sentence. She just laughed and scared me:

“Next time when you’re sad, I’ll sing 5 songs. So don’t be sad anymore. Ok!”

But she still had to repeat her 3 songs many times…..

Sometimes she came back my town at weekends to visit her cousin. I usually hung out with her. Sulli liked looking at the rivers, the fields and the flowers in the hills near by our town. She said they’d made her soul live in peace and taken away her hard life at Seoul. I usually took her to the sunflowers field near by my house, it was my secret hidden place that I loved since I was a kid. Looking at her charming smile appearing beside those pretty flowers made me feel so meaningful. And at there, we had so many long stories shared to each other when we were sitting at the grass. She told me about her troubles in her daily life, about her dreams, about her fears. But I still couldn’t open my heart to her, I didn’t have many things to share. I scared if she knew my sickness she would run away from me forever.

“Taemin, I said I like someone who loves listening than speaking but it doesn’t mean you can’t say anything to me. C’mon tell me anything, something you are worrying about. I can’t be the only one talking here” – She always said that to me but I couldn’t tell her much. I knew she would feel I wasn’t really sincere to her. But sometimes the truth wasn’t the best answer.

I didn’t know if we match each other well or not. But since when we became “friends”, she was never mad at me.

Except just one time, but I don’t want to call it was “mad” because Sulli didn’t want me call it like that. I still remembered that windy afternoon, when we were playing around the park river……..

“Wow the weather is really fresh, today.” – Sulli said when she let the wind blow her long hair flying in the air.

“Today you look bright. Did something good happen to you? ”

“Actually no. I have just failed another audition for a project.”

I could see, even she was smiling, her eyes still hidden something.

I tried to comfort her:

“ It’s ok. At least you aren’t sad. Look! You still stand here and smile like nothing happened.”

She looked strange into my eyes, it made me really confused.

“You thought I pretended to be cool, right?”

“No…no. I didn’t mean that.” – Oh, God why did she say so weird like that?

“I’m not sad at all. Because I changed the target for my life, So now failing an audition isn’t a big deal for me any more.” – Sulli talked when she was playing with a wild flower in her hands.

“What? I thought you want to be an actress”

“ No. I don’t want anymore. Now I just want to grow up fast. I’ll learn at an Art university, then I’ll find a good man, marry him and become a good wife.”

I couldn’t believe in what she said at that moment. I asked her:

“What! Don’t joke me, Sulli. I hate when people bring me out for fun. What’s that dream? Becoming a good wife? Are you crazy?”

“Why? Why can’t I dream about it? I’m tired of that big dream, Becoming a famous actor? For what? For being staked by paparazzi anywhere? For being alone all my life? For being hurt by anti-fans who even never know who person you are?”

I was angry so much. Why could she give up so easy like that? Did she know that I was dying inside just because I couldn’t chase to my dream anymore. I shouted at her:

“Then how about your mom, how about the hard days when you had to practice until you fell? How could you give up so easy like that when you still have many chances ahead? I know it’s not easy for you. But don’t say anything so irresponsible like that. Don’t you know there are so many people wish to be in your place?”

Sulli threw the wild flower she was playing at me. She yelled at me before run away:

“You’re not me. How did you know what I’m suffering through?”

It’d been the first time she yelled at me harshly like that. I tried to catch her but she pushed me away.

“Yah! Sulli! Stop it! I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry!”

But she didn’t say anything. She just went away without even just one glance back.

At that night, I couldn’t sleep at all. I thought she must be angry so much. I sent many messages but she didn’t answer at all. Then when the clock showed 12 p.m , I got a surprised message from her, a long message:

“Stop saying “I’m sorry”. I’m not a narrow-mind person. And don’t call it’s “mad”. I’m not mad at you. I just don’t agree with your point. So just like anyone else, I won’t talk to you 2 or 3 days because you made me sad. But I know you will non-stop looking at your phone during those days, it’ll make you look so stupid. I don’t want my friend look like a fool, so I’ll short you punished time from 2 days to 7 hours. So 7 a.m tomorrow you have to call to apologize to me. Alright?”.

Sulli was a weird person like that - always doing something you couldn’t image.

I once asked her:

“Sulli ah, why are you too good to me like that?”

And she answered:

“Because I love you. You are my… my……. Best friend!”

I scolded her:

“Yah Sulli, don’t say “I love you” so easily like that. You shouldn’t say it to anyone.”

She rounded her eyes:

“Why? I said it to Krystal and Luna. They were really happy!”

 She was so childish, right? I couldn’t believe she was so thoughtless. I pretended mad:

“It’s different. They’re girls. I’m a boy. Don’t easily say “I love you” to boys, Sulli. It’ll make them misunderstand you.”

She stared at me and joked:

“What can they misunderstand me? I don’t get it”

I knew she was kidding me, Sulli liked joking me a lot. But that situation wasn’t suited to it. I was mad at her truly:

“I know you knew the answer. Don’t joke around, Sulli. They will think the word “love” in serious way.”

“Then what did you think? Did you think in that way, too?” – Sulli leaned near me, her eyes widen and looked strange into my eyes. I knew she would never stop her joke until I’d yelled at her:

“Yah, Sulli! Don’t make me have to be mad at you.”

She smiled again – the most beautiful smile that always made me melt away. Every time she smiled, I couldn’t be mad at her anymore.

She messed my hair, she used to do that weird action when she wanted to calm me down. Other hand, you know, she was really tall, she didn’t even have to stand on tiptoe to do that.

“BTW, you aren’t not a boy to me.”

“What? Then who I am?”

“You are a kid, just like a little brother of mine.”

“Hey… hey… I am not…….”

“C’mon. There’s no boy who still likes banana milk than girls like you.”

“Then you aren’t a girl to me, either”

“What?”

“You look like a boy. My big-bone brother.”

“Yah, I said I don’t like be called big-bone.”

Then it was just like that. Every time we met, we always starred with a funny war and ended with another funny one. I never got bored when talking to her. Sulli never made me mad longer than 5 minutes. She said I was an easy person who didn’t know how to be mad at others. But it wasn’t true. The truth was she did nothing wrong to make me sad, the times she was by my side, I’d never regret even just one time.

Sometimes, in a moment, the way Sulli treated me made me so confusing. I had to ask myself: “ Did she have any special feeling to me?”

But I lied to myself again, tried to think it was just in my imagination. I even wished she would never have a feeling for me. After all what can I hope about this relationship? Her fate was becoming a famous star. I knew someday the world she lives won’t include me. My sickness won’t allow me to be a good partner for her. How can I protect her when I even couldn’t protect myself.

I accepted that this love just exited in my dream, a fictional dream. But why did she always drag that dream out to me?

--------------

It was a freezing night at weekend, during that week Sulli asked me why I couldn’t come to visit her in Seoul. She asked more frequently than before. I guessed she thought I didn’t like to come. But how could I speak out the truth? Scaring crowd? What’s the hell it is? The most stupid illness I ever knew. But sometimes when I thought I knew everything, actually I knew nothing.

“ Beep …beep………”

I woke up by my phone’s ringtone. I fell asleep when doing my homework. Looking at the phone, I smiled, it was Sulli. I never felt bored when being wake up by her. Listening to her funny stories was the most exciting things I always want to do even when they were the most random stories. 

I picked up the phone:

“What’s up , Sulli? Do you know what time is it now?”

“It’s just 9.00 p.m. did I wake you up?” – Her voice was shaking, I could hear the sound of the wind through my phone.

“Yes, Ms.Choi! You have just made it. But ... where are you? You are at outdoor place, aren’t you?” – I was so worried at that time, what was that kid thinking?

“It’s your fault. I guess you fell asleep when doing homework. You should thank to me for waking you up.”

“Ok, thank you so much. Are you satisfied now? Don’t ignore my question. Your being on streets right now, aren’t you?” – I raised my voice, I knew Sulli wouldn’t stop joking until I acted seriously.

“Ok, ok. Don’t be mad at me. I’m hanging out with …. some friends.”

“What!” – I yelled – “ Don’t you know Seoul is a dangerous city at night? Come back home now, Sulli!”

“Yah, don’t scold me. Why did you always talk like my mom?” – She said in mad voice.

I tried to calm her down:

“Alright, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t yell at you. But, please Sulli, come back home. It’s really cold right now!”

“It doesn’t matter right now. Actually …. I … I … wanna ask you something.”- She seemed hesitate about what she tended to talk.

I wondered what made her have to call to me so late like that:

“Go on. Just ask me anything. I promise I’ll try my best to help. Did you get into trouble?”

“No… it … it… just. Btw, you promised then don’t regret after hearing my request, ok?”

“Ok.. I swear. But what’s it? Why do you have to say so seriously like that?”

She made me worried than curious about what she wanted to tell.

“Taemin ah, don’t misunderstand me because of this. Uhm … uhm… Is .. is it ok if I kiss you right now?”

“W-what? Kiss?”

I said when my mouth opening widely than ever:

“Sulli, what are you talking about?”

“ I said don’t misunderstand me. Let’s me explain then you’ll understand.”

“Al … alright.” – I tried to calm down but my heart was like dropping out. I couldn’t figured out what was happening to her.

“Tomorrow I will film a MV for SNSD. It was the first time they’ve released a ballad song. So they decided to make a storyline video.”

“ SNSD? Wow how could get that chance? Congratulation! You got such a big opportunity.” – I screamed .SNSD was the biggest name that everyone wanted to work with them.

“Yes, I know. But there was a problem.”

“What’s it? And why …why suddenly you talk about …kissing to me?”

“It’s a sad love song, I had a co-partner. I have to act a kiss scene with him.”

I was really sad when hearing her saying that. But after all, Sulli was an actor, seeing her kissing other boys was the most certain thing I should accept. So I tried to comfort her:

“ It’s alright, Sulli. You wanna be an actor. Sooner you’ll have to kiss someone. It was not a big deal…”

“ It was a big deal to me” – Sulli suddenly yelled- “ It was my first kiss. How can the first person I kiss is the one I hated the most.”

The one she hated the most? You must be surprised when I said his name – Yes, he’s ChunHee – the most hateful person in my life. I didn’t know why but Sulli always talked bad about him. Chunhee was in the same high school with Sulli. Maybe Sulli saw the bad side of him in a chance.

I couldn’t say anything at all. My mind told me to tell her give up that chance but the other side of mine told me that it was the biggest opportunity for her career. How could I be selfish to tell her stop?

“Yah, Taemin. Say something ! what should I do now ? I will accept to kiss a pig instead that jerk.”

“So you ask me to kiss you because to you, I’m just a pig? right ?” I understood what she thinking, It was sure that my kind-heart Sulli will never see me like that. She just didn’t want to lose her first kiss with Chunhee.

“You knew I didn’t mean that” – she was a little mad.

“ Then why don’t you ask someone else ? why’s me ?” – I tried to say seriously, sometimes I followed her weird habit – joking all the time.

“Because you’re my good friend. You won’t laugh at me even when I say something crazy just like this time. Did .. did I made you mad ? ” – Sulli said in nervous voice. I could feel it, maybe I made her feeling hurt.

“Alright, I understand. I won’t be mad if you kiss me right now. Ok ? Are you pleased now? ”.- I sighed, why she always made my heart have to pound all the time because of her naive thoughts – “ So Ms.Choi, please give me a kiss message and I’ll send back another one to you. OK? Then we’ll think that we already kiss, OK?”

“Why? Why have to be a kiss message?”.

“Hello, you are in Seoul and I’m at home right now. I’m not super man. I can’t fly to Seoul in just 5 minutes to kiss you” – I smirked secretly, how could she forget we were being far away from each other?

“Who said I’m in Seoul ?” – She laughed in the phone.

I stopped laughing immediately: “What? Then you’re … Don’t say that …”

“I don’t like the new color of your window. I said you should paint them pink”

I rushed out to the balcony, I couldn’t believe in my eyes. Sulli was standing in front of my house’s gate. She was smiling and waving at me. She screamed: “Yah ! Taem Taem ! I’m here. I’m here”.

I hurriedly run down. I couldn’t figure out why she was here at this late time.

When I could see her face clearly, It was pale because of the cold weather outside. I covered her with my jacket I got along.

“Yah, wear it if you don’t wanna get a cold. What are you doing here? Why didn’t you say that your being here? Don’t you see you are frozen now? Stupid kid!”

She looked up, her twinkling eyes made me nervous again:

“If... I said I’m here, would you still agree my request?” – She asked.

“ I … I ...” – When I still not yet finished my sentence, she suddenly stood on tip-toed, she let her both hands on my shoulders and kissed my forehead slightly.

I couldn’t blink just once, everything was like falling down in front of me. I looked at her with a weird stare:

“Sull …Sulli …what are you doing?”

“You said you won’t be mad at me. You promised”- she pouted her lips – “Why did you ask like that ?”

I smirked: “So it is this. You just have to kiss on the forehead with Chunhee. OMG It wasn’t a kiss at all, Sul ”

“Yes, It was Taemin” – Sulli yelled “You should know how lucky you are Taemin. Just because I didn’t have a boyfriend so I had to ask you”

“Yes, how lucky I was” – I smiled and messed up her hair. It was the best way to fade away her madness. I knew she disappointed a bit – “But next time, don’t call this a kiss, alright ?”.

“Then how is a true kiss ? Can you show me ?” – Sulli looked strange into my eyes, I knew she wanted to tease me again.

“ OK, Ok. You won. I won’t fight with you any more. But how could you come here so late like that?”- I nagged.

“I took a train to get here. Tonight I’ll sleep at my cousin’s house”

“Next time, don’t do it again , OK ? Don’t go out alone late. You made me worry so much don’t you know? Now let me take you to your cousin’ house”

At that night, I couldn’t sleep at all. Even it wasn’t a true kiss but I was happy that she chosen me.

Like I expected that MV was a big success, the group gained so many awards because of it. Sulli was known by more people and of course it was the only MV of hers that I didn’t watch even just one time.