The cab brought them to their condo, and there was a message on their machine. “Ate Kim, I need to talk to you. Come over once you get this message.” It was Kim’s youngest brother.

She decided to take a shower before heading over there. She changed into shorts and a t-shirt, and drove over to her dad’s house. She took out her spare key and opened the door. “Tay!” She dropped her keys and went to up the stairs to the main floor. “John! Ate! I’m here!” She walked into the kitchen and got the surprise of her life when she saw her mom sitting at the dining room together with the rest of her family.

Kim dropped her bag at the sight of her mom. “Mom?”

Her mother stood up and began to walk to her, but Kim backed away, tears welling up in her eyes. “What are you doing here?” She said, her voice filled with bitterness and anger.

“Anak,” she started

“Don’t call me that. You have no right to even acknowledge me as your daughter after abandoning all of us. Just answer my question: what the hell are you doing here?” Kim repeated.

Her dad stepped forward. “Kimmy, she’s here to talk to us.” He rubbed her arms up and done, feeling the goose bumps. “She’s just here to talk.”

Kim shook her head. “Well I don’t want to know hear anything she has to say. And I can’t believe that you actually let her into this home; the home she left; the home she walked away from.”

“Kim, I know you’re angry--”

She scoffed. “Please don’t stand there and tell me how I feel or even pretend that you know how I feel. Do you know what it feels like to have your own mother walk away from you? Do you even know how it feels like to be the one to try and hold together this family? John Paul cried every night for a month ever since you left.” She began retelling the memories she had as a kid. “And Ate pretended to not be affected, but she was and it showed in her school work and the way she rebelled. And at night I’d come downstairs and see daddy holding your photo, begging to get the love of his life back. And me, I just stood there because I didn’t know what to do. I was 7. I was 7 and I had to abandon my childhood to take care of something you broke. So angry doesn’t even cover the way I feel about you right now.” Kim grabbed her bag and went up the stairs to the bedroom she slept in ever since a child.

There was a new feeling in her room. It was cold, like a distant memory. She moved out of the house when she was 18, when she moved onto university. Her bedroom was just as she left it; pink walls, a four-post bed, her stuffed animal collection and the pictures on her bedside table.

Kim sat on the bed, and held her stuffed rabbit close to her heart as tears fell from her eyes. All her life she learned how to keep herself in and everyone else out just to protect herself from getting hurt. And finally when her walls were broken down and she let someone in, the reason for the walls came back. She laid down, setting her head on her pillow. She hated that she still felt like this after all these years. She felt like she was the only one who felt this way since no one was agreeing with her downstairs. She closed her eyes and she remembered how it used to be.

(flashback)
“Mommy! Come push me!” Kim called as she ran to the swings in the park. She giggled as she jumped onto one.

Her mom ran to her and started pushing her. “Higher, anak?”

“Higher, mommy! Higher!”

(End Flashback)

Kim curled into a ball and opened her eyes. Those were the happy days when she was her best friend. They did everything together, and now she everything was different.

She stayed in that position for a really long time, by the time the sun was starting to set in the sky. She heard her door open, and she opened her eyes hugging her bunny closer. She knew it was her dad, she smelled his cologne. He sat by her head and her hair. She missed this and started to cry softly curling more into a ball. He hasn’t done this since she was a young girl who was scared of thunder. “Daddy?”

“Shhh,” he said, her long dark brown hair. “She told me she saw you in New York. You were in a café and she walked in. She told me you followed her to her apartment.” He sighed.

“I thought she wouldn’t recognize me.” Kim said, though that thought didn’t even enter her mind, she just followed her not thinking at all.

Her dad laid down by her so he could see her face. “She called me a couple of days ago, and said she was wanted to see everyone.”

“And you let her? She left, and you forgave her?”

“As much as I’ll hate her for what she did, I missed her. So I listened to her. I gave her a chance.” He stood up and gave her a kiss on his forehead. “And I know you miss her too. She’s not asking you to forget what she did; all she wants is to give you what you want: an explanation.” He walked outside and Kim heard his footsteps retreat, but another set cam closer.

“Kim?” Her voice was the same. It was high-pitched and smooth. It was the same voice that she sang to get her to sleep. It was so hard to her daughter resent her for what she did, but she didn’t want to burden her anymore. “I understand that you hate me right now. I don’t blame you. I deserve to be hated, and I deserve it if you don’t want to talk to me. So if you ask me to leave, I’ll leave.”

“Just get out.” Kim whispered. Lilly nodded, looking at her daughter’s reflection on her dresser mirror. “No, stay.” Kim sat up still holding stuffed animal close to her as if creating a wall between them. “Why?” She swallowed the lump in . “Why did you just walk away?”

Lilly stayed at the door, not wanting to intrude on her daughter’s desires, and right now her daughter wanted space. “I ask myself that question every single day.” She sighed. “I’m not going to give you an excuse, because no matter what my reason was I could never change what happened, or erase the pain I caused all of you.” Lilly started to walk closer. “I know what a horrible mother I’ve been, but…”

“Tay said you’d give me an explanation, but you’re right. I don’t want an excuse from you. I just want to know what you’re doing here.” She said, trying her best not to cry.

“I saw you in New York. You were sitting in that little café table with your glasses on. I thought it wasn’t you but when you took them off, I knew you were her. And when I saw you following me, I definitely knew it was you. You were so beautiful….You are so beautiful.”

Kim looked away, obviously embarrassed. “That’s where you moved to? New York?”

“Yeah. I moved around a lot, by I settled down in New York. I bought myself an apartment and started my own business.” Kim waited. “I opened a little store for clothes and accessories.” They were quiet for a little while. “Kimmy, when I saw you, I wanted to see you again. I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to get to know all of you again.”

Kim wiped her eyes looking at her with angry and sad eyes. “Now? You wanted to get to get to know us now? What about – I don’t know – what about 18 years ago? Why now and not then? What changed?”

“Me. I didn’t know how to be a mother.”

“You had four kids, so don’t give me that crap of not knowing how to raise them. You did it for 9 years with Ate.” Kim stood up and pulled her hair back with her fingers out of frustration. “You know maybe it would’ve been okay if you spent all this time going to therapy, or you had a lost weekend or two, but you walked away and never looked back. And now you want get to know all of us? You can’t just come back and expect to be instantly forgiven for what you did.”

Lilly started to cry now seeing the destruction of her kids right in front of her. “I know what I did was unforgivable. And you don’t need to remind me of what a horrible mother I am because I see it every day when I look in the mirror. It kills me to see you like this. It kills me to come back and see all of my children grown up, knowing I missed all of it. You want me in pain; trust me baby, I’m in pain. I’ve been in pain for eighteen years and counting. And I’ll continue to be pain for the rest of my life.” She sighed. “I didn’t come here to be instantly forgiven. I know we have a long way to go before you can trust me again and even talk to me again, but I’m trying. You better believe that I’m trying because I want to know my children. And if you think I never looked back when I left, you’re absolutely wrong. I came back here every year.” Kim shook her head not believing her. “Everyday after school you used to bring JP and Twinkle to the park across the street and read them a story. And as much as I’d like to yell at you for staying in the park alone at such a young age, I want to tell you that you were an amazing sister.” She paused. “I came back every year and watched you. Every year you and your siblings looked so different, and I hated myself that I never got to see the transformation, but I looked back. I even wrote you letters, I just couldn’t get myself to send them because I knew how much you’d hate me.” Lilly’s voice broke. “I love you, baby, and I know you don’t forgive me, and I know I don’ deserve it, but hopefully one day you’ll be able to look at me without crying and the anger in your eyes.” She started for the door.

“You know what the hardest part was?” Kim asked. “The hardest part was believing you never loved me. It made it easier to understand why you left, but that was the part that killed me.”

Lilly bent down and picked something up. “You don’t have to read them, but I just wanted you to know that I did love you, and I still do. And I always will.” She placed a box on her table and walked downstairs.

When she didn’t hear any more footsteps retreat or approach she walked to the door and touched the box of letters her mother left. “She gave them to all of us.” A voice appeared behind her.

Kim jumped and it was her brother. “Damn it John Paul. Don’t do that.” She punched him on the arm and sat on her bed. “She gave them to all of us?” Kim repeated.

“Yeah, she came like two weeks ago and gave a box to each of us. She was waiting for you. Man, you should’ve seen her Ate, she had so many stories to tell us.” John Paul had a smile on his face. “I know you don’t forgive her, but she’s back now.”

“That doesn’t change anything that happened. She walked away from us, she walked from you. What don’t you guys understand about that?”

“Look, when we were younger, you always played the mother figure in our lives. You read me a story when I was a baby, you took me out to the park, and you brought me ice cream whenever I asked. You even held every time I cried. You protect all of us from the things you knew would scare us or hurt us, but Ate, we’re older now. I’m older now and I learned from the best.” He pushed her playfully. “You don’t need to protect us anymore. I know she walked away from us, but she also came back. It may have taken her a long time – a really long time – but nevertheless she came back. Our mom came back and she wants to know us. You have to forgive her sometime.”

Kim shrugged, “What if I can’t?”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

She left the house in a hurry afterwards. She called Gerald and asked to meet her at her loft. Erich was gone for the night, she was at her boyfriend’s, so they had the whole loft to themselves. “What’s wrong, you sounded like you were crying.” He rubbed her arms trying to comfort her as he often had.

Kim told him the whole story. They were sitting in her kitchen drinking coffee. She left nothing out. Once Kim started, she wasn’t holding anything back. She told him about the day her mom left, how she cried non-stop for a week. How her sister ran away for a week, and when she came back her grades dropped dramatically. She told him how she took care of everyone at the young age of seven. How she had nightmares of everyone leaving her, and how she learned how to keep everyone at a distance, which made him understand her more. She told him about the letters, and by the end he was opening an envelope. “I need you to read them for me. I can’t do them myself.”

Gerald read one to himself. “They seem genuine.” He commented, not knowing what she wanted to hear or what he needed to say. “She says how sorry she is for leaving and not wanting to hurt you. She writes how much she loves you and this wasn’t your fault. She needed time to think. She says one day she’ll come back, and all she can hope for is that you’ll forgive her.”

“Do you think I should – forgive her.”

“I think you’re angry, and you’re upset. But she’s your mother. She at least deserves to be heard from. And you can start by reading these.” He put one hand over hers. “And I’ll be here while you read them, if you want.”

She nodded. She spent the night in his arms, mostly crying as she read. He held her while she did, her hair. He waited until she fell asleep and carried her into the room he assumed was hers. She had no pictures on the wall, and her room was plain and organized and sophisticated, just like her, minus the plain part. He put her under the covers, and brushed her cheek softly. He sat beside her, and just watched her breathe in and out, in and out, in and out. She was so beautiful, but so sad. He knew it from the first time he saw her. He wanted to take away all the hurt and replace it with happiness, happiness which he could bring her.

The only thing that scared him was that maybe he couldn’t erase her pain. What if he only brought her more? He had his own baggage, and the last thing he wanted was to carry it onto her. He wrote her a note saying he left but he missed her already, and gently kissed her forehead. He hoped he helped her that night, hoping that he made a difference in her life, even if it was a small difference.

Gerald left her loft in the middle of the night, and walked in the streets. He saw how much she was hurt by her past, and all the walls she built around to protect herself. He couldn’t fathom what kind of mother could leave her child. Though he didn’t want to judge since he didn’t the circumstances, but he just couldn’t think what his would’ve been like if is mother left him at a young age. His mother was his best friend; his mother was his protector, and if she ever left him he would’ve been so much worse off. He didn’t know how she ever survived without a maternal figure in her life, but her surviving made him love her even more.

In the morning, he stopped by the one place he needed to be. “Mom?!” He called out, walking into the three-story house, the house he lived in when he was a child.

“Gerald!” His mom ran out of the kitchen in her apron and hugged her son tightly. “You’re back! Why didn’t you call me, I would’ve picked you up from the airport. I missed you, baby.”

“I missed you, too. Where’s dad?” Gerald asked, walking back to the kitchen.

His mom went back to cooking. “Your father is at the embassy. So tell me all about your trip, and this new publicist you told me about.”

“Well New York was great. I had a really great time.”

She laughed. “I bet you did. I remember getting a call saying your publicist was driving you crazy.” Gerald looked down embarrassed. “I even remember a little conference, finding out a pregnancy my son might have. How is that situation going on?”

“Emma came by. She went to have a test. I haven’t spoke to her since. But, yeah, the trip was great. We won all my games.” Gerald ate the fruit on the table.

“I knew my baby was going to be famous one day.” She began stirring the sauce in the pot. “Ge?”

“What?”

His mom stared at him smiling. “What?” she mimicked him. “A mother knows when something’s up with their child, it’s a mother’s intuition. You are different, anak. Your face is brighter, your smile is wider, and your eyes gleam more. Do you know what I see?”

“I’m not going to talk about my love life with my mother.” He said looking down.

She laughed. “You are definitely going to talk to me about this because I’m your mother. Who is it? A girl you met at New York?” Gerald chuckled to himself. “Is it someone I know? Is it someone from home? Is it someone at work?”

“It’s Kim!” He said out of desperation to end this conversation. “You know mom, you can be so annoying sometimes. I’m outta here.” He got up and turned around.

“Going back to the wreck you made of your life?” His father was in the doorway. “Kim? Your publicist? Wow, Gerald.”

Gerald sighed. “What happened to ‘hello son’? Really, I honestly can’t believe you’re a father.” He answered him back.

“Boys, can you please stop. It’s too early for that. Gerald stopped by because he came back from his trip from New York.”

“Right, the place we found out we could be potential grandparents. Another thing I can consider a disappointment.”

Gerald raised his voice. “You know what Dad, you can say all those things, you can constantly call me a failure and a disappointment, but that won’t change the fact that I’m your son. Actually, I’m not your son, I stopped being your son a long time ago. A father is someone who loves and supports their kid no matter what and is always there. A father is someone who teaches their kid how to grow up and I learned that all on my own. So honestly, you’re the failure. I did my duty as a son.” He passed his father, getting face to face with him. “You failed to do yours as a father.” He stormed out of the kitchen and opened the front door.

“Ge!” His older sister was on the top floor, looking down at him.

“Ate, I have to go.” He told her.

She ran downstairs already in her jacket and shoes. “Then let me come with you. Come on, I want to have lunch.” She passed him, snatching his car keys from his hand. She went into the driver’s seat and started the engine.

He followed her, getting into the passenger seat. “You know, this is my car. Why do you always end up driving it?” He asked her, opening the windows wide.

She laughed. “Because I’m your older sister and I can do whatever I want because you love me. Also, I love your car!” She squealed, loving how fast she could drive in the car.

“Oh, I thought it was because you missed me.” Gerald smiled. He truly did love his sisters, he was more close with Jen though.

“That too.” She parked in front of their favourite restaurant, and led him inside, getting their usual table, though they haven’t been in there for sometime now. She ordered Ube flavoured Halo-Halo, and he ordered just a French vanilla ice cream sundae. “So what’s this I hear my baby brother being in love?”

He sighed. He thought he ended the topic with his mother, and now he had to talk about with his sister; good thing he was more comfortable with his sister. “Ate, do we have to talk about it?”

“Of course not, but you know me, I’ll keep pressuring you until I’m happy with what you give me. So who is it?” She said, taking a scoop from his sundae.

He completely surrendered to his sister, since he needed someone to talk to about this, he needed a neutral party, especially someone he could trust. “Ate, have you ever dated someone who was in the same business as you, as in someone worked for you, and it was kind of frowned upon?”

She smiled. “Forbidden love, huh?” She laughed. “No, but I know some people who have. I think the whole relationship depends on how deeply you feel for her. How long have you been seeing each other?”

“A month.” He said.

“And you already love her?” When he didn’t answer, she knew. “Okay, I think you should be up front with the way you feel. You can’t be truly in love with someone if no one else knows. There’s no such think as a secret love. You love her; you better mark your territory before someone else does.”

Gerald laughed. “Mark your territory?” He repeated. “What are we, animals? I’m just saying if someone finds out, she’s fired, and I don’t want to be the reason why she’s fired. I don’t want her to resent me if that happens, and I know it will.”

Jen nodded. “So she works for you?”

“She’s my PR agent, Kim. The whole time we were in New York we got close, really close because we knew once we got back here it would be over. So basically, we formed a relationship thinking we could just end it when we returned, and now neither of us wants that.” Gerald said, looking down.

“Let me give you some romance advice that I learned throughout my whole dating history. If you love someone, there are no ifs, ands or buts. There shouldn’t be a reason why you can’t be together because you fight it out no matter what. If you love her and she loves you, sacrifices are necessary for any relationship to work. It sounds to me that you’re in deep. Even though a month just passed and I can’t believe you fell that fast for her, there’s obviously some things you both have to talk about, especially since there’s risks.” She stared at him in the eyes. “Gerald, I know you better than anyone else, and you hate not knowing things, so I bet this is killing you. But I also know that you’re going to do everything that makes her happy because that’s who you are. As much as you’re an sometimes, I know that you are extremely selfless person. Just promise me one thing – I know you’re going to do the right thing, but please, just please promise me you’ll think about your happiness too.” He nodded. “Okay, well let’s put aside all this dramatic works, and tell me what she’s like.”

Gerald laughed. One of the reasons why he loved his sister was because she never stayed on the sad parts of someone’s life, but she loved getting to the good parts. The two of them spent the next hour discussing Kim, from her appearance to her personality. He had so many things to say about her, and getting everything out in the open relieved him of such a big burden he had on himself.

“Well, from what you said about her, I feel like I know her already. I can see why you like her and why you care about her so much.”

“In the short time I’ve known her; I just feel a connection with her. I’ve never been a philosophical person before, but I feel like I was supposed to meet her.” Jen laughed at him. “I know okay, I sound like an idiot, but she’s brought out the best in me. She’s the best person I’ve ever known.”

Jen stared at him, “Second to me, of course.”

“Second to you, of course,” he repeated.

“Bring her over for dinner or something. We’ll go out, since I know you hate dad, but yeah, we’ll go out, eat something, I wanna meet this woman who made my brother believe in fate and destiny.” Gerald nodded.

“I’d like that very much.” He answered.