Chapter Twenty-Two: Message of My Heart

“Hyung, wait. I… I want to talk to you.”

Eunkwang stopped abruptly, but he didn’t turn around. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and lifted his head, looking toward the horizon. Hyunsik stopped walking a few paces behind the older boy. There was silence for a few seconds before Eunkwang spoke up in a thick tone that didn’t sound like his.

“Whatever you have to say: spit it out. I don’t have all day.”

Hyunsik leveled his gaze at Eunkwang and took a step forward. “What happened at Jeju Island… It shouldn’t have happened.”

Eunkwang chuckled dryly. “It shouldn’t have, but what can you expect? You can never foresee what’s going to happen…who you heart will beat for.”

Hyunsik glared at him. “You’ll never see her as a girl, would you? You’d never look at Jung Ilsoon that way,” he said harshly.

Eunkwang shook his head. “I love her too, Hyunsik, but not in the way you do. She’ll always be a little sister to me.”

The wind picked up, ruffling their hairs. It whistled in their ears, but all Hyunsik could hear was the steady beat of his heart.

“Are we just going to let it be like this?” he asked sincerely.

Eunkwang slowly turned, but he didn’t fully face Hyunsik. “You tell me. Is this it?”

Hyunsik kicked at the pavement, without force. “I can’t answer that. But here’s what I’m going to do: I will talk to Ilsoon. I want her, and I will have her. I won’t let you hurt her anymore.”

Eunkwang turned to the younger boy with a ghost of a smile on his face, albeit sarcastic. Hyunsik was expecting the older boy to defend himself and started preparing retorts.

“You do that.”

Hyunsik froze and stared at his hyung. “What?”

Eunkwang smiled for real, but there was something sad about his smile. “You do that,” he said, and with that, he turned and continued walking away.

Hyunsik looked incredulous. That’s it for you? “Wait. What are you going to do? I want to hear it.”

Eunkwang stopped in his tracks again and turned to face Hyunsik. His smile had slid off his face and a passive expression has replaced it. “I can’t tell, Hyunsik, because I myself don’t know.” He lifted a palm. “See you around.”

And he left, leaving Hyunsik staring at his retreating back until he was out of sight.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It had gotten very late at night and Ilsoon was just finishing washing the dinner dishes. Outside rain suddenly began to pour in torrents, and Ilsoon felt glad she was indoors. After she had put away the last of the dripping dishes, she heard someone knock on their door. She frowned. There’s a doorbell; why didn’t they use the doorbell? She went to the door and peered through peephole, only to stagger back at the sight of a very drenched Hyunsik.

Ilsoon quickly unbolted the door and true enough, there he was: shirt sticking to his lean, taut frame, and water running down from his hair in tendrils. His head was bowed low, as if all the weight of the world was on him.

“Hyunsik! Come in, oh gods, you’re soaked—” she panicked, and reached out to pull Hyunsik into the house. But he warded off her arms.

“I won’t come in,” he said softly, “not until you’ve heard what I want to say.”

“Can’t this wait till I’ve given you a towel or—”

“No, it can’t. Just, please listen to me, Ilsoon,” he pleaded, still not raising his head.

Ilsoon stopped talking and stared at Hyunsik. Carefully, she said, “Alright, but make it quick or you’ll catch a cold.” Wind suddenly blew strongly through the open door, making her shiver and cross her arms protectively over her chest as she waited for what Hyunsik wanted to say. But the boy in front of her stood motionless, showing no signs of feeling the cold. Then he looked up, his dark eyes drooping and sad.

“I… I’ll be straight-forward, then. I want to let you know… that Eunkwang hyung will never like you as much as he likes Maddy-ssi.”

Ilsoon blinked. “What?”

“He’ll never look at you the way he looks at Maddy-ssi. He’ll never feel the same way about you. If you haven’t realized it, I’m telling you this now.”

Ilsoon stared at him. Despite Hyunsik’s piteous state, Ilsoon seriously considered closing the door at his face. She uncrossed her arms and placed a hand on the door, either to steady herself or the close the door at a moment’s notice. She narrowed her eyes at him and with a tight voice, she said, “Why are you saying this, and why now?”

There was a pause before Hyunsik replied. “Because… I don’t want to let him hurt you anymore.”

Ilsoon contempt drained away from her system. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. “I don’t understand.”

“What I meant to say is: I want to be selfish with you. I don’t want to let you suffer anymore because you continue on liking someone who will never like you back. I saw the way you look at him: there was a sort of longing there. I saw it because… you’re the only one I’ve ever really looked at. And I know I looked at you like how you looked at him.”

Ilsoon’s posture relaxed. “What are you saying, Hyunsik?”

Hyunsik shook his head slowly. “You don’t know how heartbreaking it was, watching you cry over him on the beach. It’s like watching everything I cared about fall apart, and I couldn’t do anything about because you didn’t let me. I was so helpless.”

Ilsoon seemed to get it, and despite the somber atmosphere, she felt blood rise to her face. “Hyunsik, I… I’m sorry. I never knew.”

“Of course you didn’t,” he said with a dry chuckle. “I was so subtle, so quiet. I thought I could admire you from afar; I thought it was safe, because I thought you only thought of the rest of us as your brothers. But then, we can never really tell, can we?”

“No, I guess not.”

Hyunsik looked into her eyes. He longed to touch her, but he wasn’t sure if his efforts were welcomed. He was afraid of hurting her. Instead he gazed at her, taking in every detail of her face.

“I want to understand you, Ilsoon; I want to know you. I can be anything and everything you want me to be, but if there’s one thing I really want to be, it’s to be the one you like. I know it could take forever for me to be that, but I don’t care as long as I can stay by your side. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again, because you don’t deserve it.”

Ilsoon stood stock-still. It was the very first time someone had confessed to her, not the other way around. And while she could see and feel the truth in his voice and eyes, she was still hesitant.

After all this time, I’m still scared.

“Let me think it over, okay? You wouldn’t understand my hesitance; I’m sure, but… give me time.”

Hyunsik nodded. “You have all the time in the world,” he said, “but while you think about it, let me make you think of me as well.”

And he kissed her; slowly, as if she were a fragile thing, but with a hint of urgency, like wanting to get a message across but scared of the response. His eyes were closed, his lips soft and gentle against hers. It was sweet, yet sad and lonely at the same time. So this was how it felt like to be kissed. Her eyes fluttered close, and Hyunsik was right; because in that short, intimate moment, Ilsoon thought of nothing in the world except for the boy in front of her.

And it felt wonderful.