Chapter Nineteen: Fourth Confession

One fine day, Ilsoon decided to go to school. She heard that the seniors were there in preparation for their graduation from Ilhoon, and she wanted to see Eunkwang. She came just in time for their lunch break with a homemade lunchbox. As she made her way to the auditorium, she saw Eunkwang perched on a high ladder, stringing up lights on the walls. When he looked down to get another chord, he backtracked as he saw Ilsoon.

“Ilsoon? What are you doing here?”

Ilsoon smiled shyly. “Nothing much. I just wanted to see what’s going on here.”

“Oh, really?” said Eunkwang, concentrating on putting on the last chord of lights. “I’ll be done soon. Wait for me and let’s eat together.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Ilsoon and Eunkwang sat quietly on one of the benches that lined the courtyard of the school. The lunchbox stood empty between them, and they sat in comfortable silence.

“I didn’t know you could cook,” said Eunkwang in attempt to make small talk. Their group of friends hasn’t been keeping in close contact after the trip to Jeju, and it’s the first time all summer that Ilsoon saw one of her brother’s friends.

Ilsoon smiled modestly. “I asked my mother for help, of course. Otherwise I would probably have burned the house down.”

Eunkwang laughed. “Come on, that most likely exaggeration.”

“No, it’s true!”

They fell silent again after laughing together for a minute. Then Eunkwang leaned forward on his seat.

“Ah, wait, Ilsoon,” he said suddenly. “Why are you here in school? It’s summer; shouldn’t you be at home?”

Ilsoon pouted. “There’s nothing much to do at home, and Ilhoon won’t play with me, so I got bored. I wanted to see new scenery; Ilhoon’s face makes me sick already.”

Eunkwang laughed out loud. Ilsoon laughed along, relishing the sound of his laugh that she had come to love, but a thought lingered in the back of her mind. That’s not all I came for.

“You’ll attend the graduation ceremony, won’t you?” he asked.

“Of course! I’ll be taking lots of pictures, because once you, Minhyuk oppa, and Changsub oppa are gone, all I’m gonna be left with is Ilhoon, Sungjae, and Peniel. Ilhoon isn’t much fun, and the other two usually hang out by themselves. Psh, so selfish.”

Eunkwang frowned. “Hang on: what about Hyunsik?” As soon as he said it, he remembered how Hyunsik had turned from friend to rival over the course of a few hours. Stupid foot-in-mouth disease!

Ilsoon fidgeted with her fingers before reluctantly answering. “Well, you know what happened in Jeju…”

Eunkwang pursed his lips and paused before replying. “I don’t know the whole story of course, but I do know my side of it.” He sighed and a far-away look came to his face. “I wonder if everything’s ever going to be okay after this. You know, it’s funny; my friends and I, we never quarreled about this sort of thing. You know, girls and stuff. To be honest I never knew such a day will come. But it did, and here we are.”

“Oppa,” said Ilsoon suddenly. “That’s not exactly what I came here for. Well, it’s related, but not entirely. I think.”

Eunkwang leaned on backrest with his forearm. “How’s that?”

Ilsoon hesitated for a moment, but the strong feeling in her heart overwhelmed her practical mind. She looked down to avoid eye contact and played with her fingers as she spoke.

“You might not remember, but that last morning in Jeju, I was trying to tell you something before Madeleine burst into the door.”

“I remember.”

Ilsoon looked up in surprise. “Y-you do?”

Eunkwang nodded. “I must have been rather rude, huh? I’m sorry. And I’m sorry it took me this long to apologize.”

“N-no, it’s okay. If I had succeeded in telling you what it was on my mind would probably have made the situation more awkward for you than it had been.”

“Well, what was it, Ilsoon?”

“Oppa, I’m going to be cautious from now on. I’ll give you a choice: if I tell you, it might affect our friendship, and ten-to-one we’ll never be the same again. If I don’t, well, your curiosity might finish you off and I’ll forever regret those words unsaid.”

Eunkwang bit his lip. “First of all, Ilsoon, you know how curious I am, right? I’d brave the risks just to know something that is in connection to me. And second of all, you’re my dear friend and my friend’s sister; I don’t want to put you in any awkward spot. So what will it be?”

Ilsoon scowled. “That’s not fair; you’re making me choose!”

“Listen to your inner self. Whichever side—whether your heart or your mind—is louder to you, listen to it, and do what it says.”

Ilsoon closed her eyes and breathed deeply. When she opened them, she knew what she was going to do.

“Seo Eunkwang, I like you.”

The world seemed to pause for a moment. Ilsoon could feel and hear her heart beating loudly in her chest. She looked at Eunkwang, who looked like he didn’t get what she just said.

“Wh-what?” he stuttered.

“I said I like you. And I like you a whole lot.” There’s no stopping my tongue now. “You had that warm, safe aura I trusted. I knew that, if it was possible that we get together, you’d take care of me well.”

“Ilsoon, I—”

“When I first saw you, that day you visited my brother at home, I knew I wanted to get to know you better. When I did, I kept thinking about you, even if you weren’t with me. I kept hearing your laughter. Your smile makes me smile. Your warmth shields me.”

“Ilsoon, you must know—”

Ilsoon gulped. “Oh, I know. I know you like my best friend. I was the first one you told of your feelings for her. Bit of a nasty shock, really.”

Eunkwang put a hand on her shoulder, but for the first time it felt heavy and uncomfortable that Ilsoon shrugged it away. “I’m sorry, Ilsoon. I really am.”

Ilsoon could feel the tears welling in her eyes and rapidly blinked them away. “Would there have been any chance that you could accept me?”

“You were like a sister to me, Ilsoon, a dear sister. I never had one, and you seemed to fit the description.”

“You never thought of me as nothing else?” To her dismay, Eunkwang shook his head.

Eunkwang looked at her with pleading eyes. “Please, Ilsoon, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You don’t? Then let my feelings reach you.”

“It’s not that easy; I’m sure you understand—”

The dam broke through and tears began spilling down from Ilsoon’s eyes. “No! No, I don’t understand! Why does it have to be her? My best friend, of all people? Why… Why not me? You met me first… I loved you first…”

Eunkwang was stumped. He didn’t know what to do. “I… I don’t know. It just wasn’t meant to be.”

Ilsoon swiped her tears with the back of her hands. “How can you say that you and Madeleine were meant to be, then? She had to leave you, after all.”

Eunkwang’s expression grew hard. “I don’t know. But I won’t just give up. You understand, don’t you? Like you, I’m not just anybody who’s going to give up their love.” He stood up to leave, but before going, he said, “I’m sorry to have brought this upon you, Ilsoon. I never wanted it to be this way.”

He disappeared into the building, leaving Ilsoon on the bench alone, crying over him for the second time.

“Pabo, Ilsoon…” she crooned to herself. “You knew this might happen; why did you come and say it anyway?”

I did it, because if I didn’t, if I had stayed mum, I wouldn’t be able to live with it.

Just then, she heard a faint vibration come from her shorts pocket. Her brother was calling. Ilsoon sniffed and tried not to sound like she had been crying again.

“Hello?”

“I knew it. You’ve been crying again, haven’t you?”

Ilsoon laughed half-heartedly. “Why is it that you always know what I’ve been up to?”

“Please, sis, you may have been away from us for a few years, but I still know you like the back of my own hand. Now applaud your brilliant twin.”

Ilsoon rolled her eyes. “Aish, you—! Why are you calling, anyway?”

“I’m looking for you, of course. Who know what might have happened while you’re all depressed like that. You could have chucked yourself into the Han river for all we know.”

“Come on, give me some credit. I’m not that stupid.”

“Who isn’t, when they feel like crap the way you do? Anyway, where are you?”

Ilsoon bit her lip. “Uhm, school?”

“School? What are you doing there in the middle of the sum—Wait a minute, you went to see him, didn’t you? You went to see Eunkwang hyung.”

“Yes…”

“Who isn’t an idiot now?”

“I had to, okay? I had to let him know, at least. I wanted to finish this cleanly and decently, like civilized people.”

“You probably look anything but clean and decent right now with all that snot running down your nose.”

“Ugh, shut up! You’re so gross!”

She heard Ilhoon’s faint laugh from the other line. “Alright, never mind. Hang tight there, and I’ll come get you. Want ice cream and a ride in Lotte World?”

Ilsoon smiled. He always knew how to comfort me. “Sure, thanks.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-