“What can I do to win you back?”

“Who should you win against with?”  Dara stopped cutting and placed the knife carefully on the chopping board. She doesn’t want to play dumb, but now she has no plan to get a new boyfriend. There are still lots of things to do, to think about and to prepare more about getting a new one. Her mind flew to Jiyong at a second but the way that he hurries things scares her. She doesn’t understand why. Things between them was good but yet everything was so fast. She just broke up for a second then Jiyong’s already there wanting to catch up. Jiyong is a great guy, as what Dara had told him before, he seriously is, but so did Jaejoong. He was also a great one. What if…..

“Why do you question me back when you’re already know the answer?” Jaejoong sighed and his embraced get a bit tighter, but not too tight.

Dara chose to keep silence, she knew she’ll be doomed if she answered.

“Kwon Jiyong isn’t it?”

The mention of his name made Dara’s heart shook in fear. Jaejoong already knew since the first time. Jiyong pissed him since the first day of school already.

“He’s just a friend.”

“But you’re not just a friend for him. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t…” Jaejoong rested his side face on Dara’s shoulder, tickling her skin with his hair. He shared his body warmth with her and if he could he wanted to show her how big his love is, but yet his love and his selfishness’ size are quite the same. He doesn’t know if it’s love that killing him and can’t let her go or is it his selfishness? All he knew that it’d be very hard to see her with another guy…

Dara began to struggle in his arms, but all she did just turned around to face him. She gently cupped his face with her hand, and Jae leaned on it. The girl in front of him is just a pure hearted goddess.  She is one of a kind for him.

“Jae, let’s focus on you this time. I’m still here, remember? I want to help you out.”

“I don’t need a help! I just need you!” Jae furrowed his brows. What kind of help does he need, anyway?!

Dara thought about finding a right sentence to make everything clear and simple, but how? Her brain doesn’t even work with her this time. “I…I think…”

Jaejoong watched how Dara looked so serious and full of concentration like that. With a quick movement, he stole a kiss from her. It made Dara snapped out of her thought and looked at him dumbfounded.

“I love you..” Jaejoong confessed with a warm smile. He took a step closer making the gap between them smaller, but Dara was quick enough to stop him by putting her hands on his chest.

He saw a glimpse of fear in her eyes before she looked down. “Please don’t..”

He clenched his fists behind her back and retreated back. she doesn’t even want to be hold by him anymore!

Dara gulped down, its now or never. “Jae, I think you need help. Let’s find the solution about your anger issue, this is clearly a problem, for other people and mostly for yourself.”

Jaejoong couldn’t believe what she was saying and even had to repeat her sentence in his mind silently, “What the ?! Do you think I’m crazy?!”

“I, I, I-I mean,” She stuttered trying to calm down, “You are a really nice guy, do you know Jae? I fell in love with you because you were you. But who you are now isn’t the real you! You weren’t like this before, I mean, do you even notice the change of-“

“So who am I now? Tell me!” He grabbed her shoulder and shook her violently, “I’m still Kim Jaejoong! I’m still the one you love! I still love you! What’s the difference?!” he shouted.

Dara used her arms to shield herself from Jaejoong’s outburst. He let her go roughly made her fell to the floor.  “You’re the one who change. Not me!” He pointed his finger at her and started to walk away, but before he went far, his heart felt like being punched when he heard Dara said, “The old Jaejoong I knew wouldn’t do this to anyone, especially to me….”

With long steps, he climbed the stairs and closed the door loudly.

**

“Hi Dara, I’m sorry I was a bit too much that night, i…i…” Jiyong talked to his own reflection in the mirror in his room, practicing the apology line he’s going to say tomorrow at school, but he failed already. It’s been half an hour of choosing the correct words, lines, making up the sentence, then repeat again after feeling that it .

“Ah damn it! One more time, phew!” He blew a raspberry and wiped his face with his palm before started again, “Hello, have you eaten? Do you want to have lunch together so we can talk, damn it damn damn damn! You have no brain Kwon! What if she rejected my offer?! Then you can’t apologize to her, you stupid!” he cursed himself while jumping on the spot.

“Should I call Seungri?” he mumbled while rubbing his neck, then the thought of that maknae teasing him made he erased the idea of asking for advice to the playboy. “I can do it! Fighting! One more, one more!”

“Dara, I’m sorry for that night, I was too fast with everything but I am really sincere in what I do. I like you a lot, I think you’ve noticed that too, but I won’t rush things again and let’s make you comfortable with me, I….” then Jiyong closed his mouth and opened it again, closed it and opened it again, didn’t know what to say anymore. “I think that was quite good. Let’s write it on the paper first before I forget….”

He tore a paper from his book and began writing the line and after reading it again and again, he still felt not right. “Why do I sound so demanding?”

**

“The old Jaejoong I knew wouldn’t do this to anyone, especially to me….”

“The old Jaejoong I knew wouldn’t do this to anyone, especially to me….”

“The old Jaejoong I knew wouldn’t do this to anyone, especially to me….”

Her voice kept on ringing on his head, has he really changed? He was so angry that accused him like that, but after the anger has subsided away, he couldn’t help but questioning himself. It’s been at least one hour since he got into his room and all he did was thinking about the change in him. Did he really change? Yes, he also felt that way but it was pride who talked to Dara just now. He felt that he’s began to be unworthy to be with Dara because he hurt her, he saw pain too whenever she’s in pain, because of him. But he couldn’t help it, she pissed him off! Jaejoong began to recall the first fight he had with Dara, they fought because of something he already forgotten, but he remembered they fought by phone and texts. He remembered whenever it’s too much to handle, he always hanged up first so he won’t let her hear him raising his voice at her, because of the self control. But he began to lose the control of himself nowadays and he knew it. Should he really get help? What kind of help? He doesn’t want to get together with insane people because whatever problems he has, he knew he’s still normal.

His stomach grumbled after a while and he decided to roll out of the bed, his intention wasn’t for looking for food, but to see whether Dara is still there or not. He’d go and drive to her place again if she left!

He watched the first floor from the top of the stairs and found Dara’s nowhere to be found, he rushed downstairs immediately and found a plate of fried rice on the kitchen.

Did she leave?

His heart was squeezed and he went frenzy. He began to jog towards the drawer he kept his car key in but he couldn’t find it! Where did he toss it into last night?! If she had left then she mustn’t be that far yet. The loud sound of the drawers being opened and closed startled Dara who was sitting at the garden. She walked in and called him.

“Jaejoong?  What are you doing?”

Jaejoong stopped squatting down and stood up properly , turning around to face her. His shoulder slumped down in relax when he saw her there.

“I thought you left.”

“I want to go home.” Dara said again with insisting tone.

“You can’t. I won’t let you.”

“I won’t go away, I told you I’ll be there for you. I still want to help you.”

“Why?” he asked breathlessly. After what he did earlier, she was still there waiting for him.

“Because I know you are not like that. I want you to be the best of yourself. You like what’s the best in everything, right?”

Jaejoong nodded like a kid. So she still remembers what he likes and not.. “I want to be the best for you.”

Dara couldn’t reply back. Will she give another chance for him? She doesn’t know. He has to be treated well first. She just gave him a smile and changed the topic, “Have you eaten?”

Jaejoong shook his head.

“I think the food is still warm, let’s eat before you starve.” Dara nodded her head at the kitchen direction and Jaejoong walked towards her, grabbing her hand and looked at her eyes.

“Do you really have to go home?”

“We have school tomorrow. You have to study for the final exams too, Jae.  I can’t be here to take up your time. It’s a week away!”

Jaejoong rolled his eyes at the thought of studying, of course he can get flying marks easily.  Study is never a problem for him.“What shall we do to help myself?”

“You agreed?!” Dara shrieked in surprised.

“I told you I want to be the best for you. I don’t want to be lose. I want you back.”

**

Jaejoong drove Dara back to her place with a heavy heart. He doesn’t want her to go but she told him this is one of the way to change to be better. She has to go back because she can’t obviously stay in his place because it’s his, she has her own place. He doesn’t understand at first but after Dara told him to imagine that if this was a date, Dara would have to go back to her place at the end after having fun with him, so did he. Considering this as one of their dates again, he let her go. After he watched Dara entered her apartment unit, he stayed there for a couple of minutes before he drove away.

He couldn’t help but lingered his thought at his change-self again. He doesn’t even know when this started, how and why. He guessed the stress he felt was too much to handle and it made him lost control of his anger, but after think twice, he also changed into an abusive partner for Dara. He considered about his over jealousy side when he thought that in every relationship, there must be times to get jealous and it’s normal to feel that way. What kind of help anyway? Dara is not a professional. She could do whatever she wants as long as he’s involved. He just want to spend time with her.

He arrived at a café, and while waiting for his latte to be done, he fished out his phone and opened the browser with few tabs.

Anger management in Korea

How to help an abusive partner

How to deal with your anger

He read one by one of the articles carefully without missing a word. He read them as if he’s reading an important documents that he had to sign to. There are few reasons of why the people could become abusive, and he couldn’t believe he’s even reading this and thinking which one of those is his reason. It’s such a surprise that Koreans have lots of relation to the anger management, mostly at the marines, but according to the foreign authors of the blogs he’s reading, and according to the people who left comments, they also thought that Koreans are always angry and needed treatment. He found some ways that are to get into a therapy and phychological help, but he couldn’t find one which the best in Korea, most of the best therapy and treatment is out there, in America. He also searched whether abusive people with anger issue can change or not, and the answer he found was hanging. It all depends on the person.

Whatever. Jaejoong thought after finished his 5^th articles already. He hated himself for being the pain source for Dara, and he’s going to change that in any way. He just doesn’t want Dara to be with Jiyong, or with another guy. He needs and must change to have her back.

Dara threw her self to the bed after she arrived at home. She made sure she has locked the door securely, placing a heavy drawer to block the entry, locked the windows and shut the curtain.  She doesn’t want to give another chance to Jaejoong to secretly come inside. She already promised to help him, but now she wondered, What should she do? What kind of help she can offer? She browsed the internet on her laptop about it, but there was none except treatment and therapy. It’s so obvious that she can’t give those to Jaejoong. He needs the real help. Even if she can do something about it, she doesn’t have money for that. What should she do?

She face palmed herself, blaming why she has to act like a hero when she stuck with the civilian role? She can’t be a hero to Jaejoong. She can’t help him. She sighed in disappointment, her real intention was just she really wanted Jae to get better…

Her head tilted to the side and her eyes fell towards her phone on the table. She left it for a day already since Jaejoong took her.

She took it and unlocked the phone, and was surprised to see a missed call from a number she didn’t know, and five missed call from Jiyong. She wanted to take Jiyong’s calls as his way to show that he’s not angry anymore, but don’t get your hopes too high, it’d hurt when you fall.

She stared at her phone screen, the last missed call from Jiyong was an hour ago, and she wondered if he’s going to call again or not, but after a while of waiting, she decided to put her phone away and took a shower instead to shoo the thought of Jiyong away.

**

MONDAY

Jiyong waited in front of the class for Dara, he’s going to wait no more, he has to say it immediately after she arrived. He has been haunted by the thought of Dara hating him, and he hates that. He has to apology. He kept on reading and mouthing the lines he had wrote last night, the paper even got very wrinkly already.

“Is there any test today?!”Bom rushed to him after seeing him mumbling something while reading a paper. If there’s a test, she’s going to fail for real! She didn’t study at all.

Jiyong quickly hid the paper and shook his head, “Nope.”

“What paper is that, then?” She interrogated Jiyong who looked so nervous. He spotted TOP not too far away from him, he was putting his books to the locker, then Jiyong called him while took a last glance at Bom. He’s  going to die in her hand soon, but it’d be better than she knew Jiyong’s apology note.

“TOP HYUNG!!!! THE GIRL HERE WANTS TO KNOW YOUR NUMBER!”Jiyong said with loud voice, and he’s sure people in the hall could hear him, but he doesn’t care. He pointed at Bom who was gaping at him in disbelief, while TOP hyung was looking at him and Bom.

With a swift movement, he pushed Bom towards TOP, and he ran away. He didn’t hear any thud sound, or Bom’s in pain, so he concluded she’s not hurt. Without even taking a last glance, he ran away from Bom. He better practice more and apology to Dara during recess hour. Phew!

Meanwhile TOP was quick enough to catch the girl Jiyong just pushed. He managed to get her in his arms before she fall onto the floor. Of course he knows Bom, well who doesn’t? She always participate in school’s events  and has awed TOP countless times with her voice. Here she is, Park Bom.

“You ok?”

Bom flashed a shy smile, while blinking her eyes fast, “I’m okay. Thanks.”

“No worries, Jiyong is a jerk sometimes.” He smiled back at her, she didn’t reply but she was pouting, silently cursing Jiyong in her mind. Why did he has to do that?!!

“I’m Choi Seunghyun…”He then grabbed her hand and opened her palm, then he fished out a pen from his pocket, starting to write something on her palm. It tickled her. “And that’s my number. I’m waiting for you call. Bom.”

And by that, he walked away. Bom couldn’ believe what just happened. Choi Seunghyun!! They just talked, and he knew her name! and now he’s even giving his number to her. What did she dream last night?“Of course I know your number already, pabo.” She murmured with soft tone and had to clench her teeth to hold her smile on her face.

**

Jiyong was heading towards the school gate when he saw Dara coming with Jaejoong beside her. He quickly hid himself behind the locker and the two of them weren’t aware of his presence. He watched their backs until they disappeared in the stairs. Jiyong saw Jaejoong carried Dara’s bag and wondered… Are they back together? The thought of them made his heart ache.. He crumpled the paper and threw it on the bin. Why did he waste so much time for that girl who already get his stupid boyfriend back?

With a grim face, he turned around and climbed the stairs as well, heading to his class, well, her class too. Now when he doesn’t want to meet her, he has too. Damn.

Dara couldn’t stop stealing glances towards Jiyong. She expected him to talk to her because of the calls, but there was none. He was completely ignoring her for the entire day. He doesn’t even facing her as he put his arm near his face to block his view to her. Dara tilted her head, thinking whether he got angry again because she didn’t take his calls?  If that’s the reason then Dara has to say Jiyong is a bit childish  type of a person, but she can’t judge before she knows the answer. She tried to talk to him earlier, when the teacher asked Jiyong to carry all the notebooks to the teacher room, and Dara offered to help to carry half of them, but Jiyong just answered a short and cold ‘NO’ to her and walked away. Why? She doesn’t understand…

Gladly there was a drama practice after the school ends. Dara followed Jiyong who already walked ahead far away in front of her. Jiyong kept on walking even when Dara called his name, he even entered the room without even looking back at her. Somehow it made Dara felt madly disappointed. Maybe the calls were about Jiyong wanting to end everything with Dara, but did they have something to end with? What, a friendship?

She entered the room too, and there was only her, Jiyong and Madame Lim there. There was no other students.

“Today we are going to practice a very important scene, that’s why I want two of you to concentrate. No distraction since I want you to be comfortable with each other first.” Madame Lim talked as she flipped the script paper and stopped.

Both of Dara and Jiyong were busy with each other stuff, Dara was kicking the air while thinking about why Jiyong is ignoring her, while Jiyong is still in foul mood to talk.

“We’re going to practice kiss scene today.” Spoke Madame Lim, surprising both of them.

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RIP Cory Monteith, Finn of GLEE

he died 2 weeks before his wedding with Lea Michelle..

Ghad my heart is broken now...