♥

“What are you doing here?”

 

The answer, while already settled in my heart, refuses to bring him the happiness and contentment that he needs and deserves just yet. Without uttering a word, I sit beside him. Almost automatically, my body begins yearning to get close to him, but I will myself to keep a bit of a distance between us, scared that the lack of space will make me crawling back to where I will be most comfortable -- in the confines of my room, reality thrown out of the window in favor of a quiet life away from Jong In and my love for him.

But I cannot do that. Not when I know how much he has fought for Jina.

“Minji?” He calls my name in a way that makes me want to abandon truth and force myself to be in his arms. “What’s happening?”

“How long have you been staring up at the sky?” I pretend to marvel at the stars through the large window facing us. “Oh, they are so beautiful, hanging up there while waiting for the winds to sing a lullaby that will  put everyone to sleep.”

“They are,” He murmurs, reluctantly dropping his questions in favor of playing along with me. “I’ve been staring at them for hours now, maybe.”

“Seen any falling stars?”

I can feel him glancing at me as a slow, wistful smile spreads on his lips. “Yep. Three falling stars. Enough to make wishes for me, Jina, and you.”

“Oh.” My throat begins to clench and I swallow so as not to let the tears threatening to spill win. “What kind of wishes do you have for each of one of us?”

Really now. I scold myself. Your questions are not helping, Minji.

“If I tell you, then they won’t come true.”

“Ok.” I say. Just then another falling star appears before us, but it vanishes right away before we can even react.

“I made a wish for that,” I tell him before he can open his mouth. “but I won’t tell you what it is.”

“Getting even, huh,” Jong In chuckles at my childishness. “Fine. I was really thinking letting you get that wish, anyway.”

“Why?” I ask him. “Because I need it?”

His expression grows contemplative at this. Obviously my question has stirred something inside him, and perhaps it is something related to what's supposed to happen tonight. He doesn’t have to tell me -- he doesn’t love me, he will not marry me. He knows this and I know it, but God, why do we keep on running in circles? My love for him may never dwindle, but how long can I take seeing him running -- never after me but always away from me?

“I want you to wish for something else,” He finally speaks, his voice low. “wish for finding someone who will love you. Wish for a perfect wedding with that someone. Wish for a blissful life ahead with that someone. If not, wish for strength, to get through the dark days for when you are with me -- if we are going to get married.” With his head hung low, he whispers, “Minji…”

“I know,” I quickly intercept him so as not to hear what he really wanted to say. “I’ve always known.”

“I can’t.” Jong In looks away from me. “I just can’t, Minji.”

Why? My heart seeks for an answer it knows will never be related to what it desires the most. Why can’t you love me? My selfishness I thought were already long gone gnaw their way out of my battered heart, fighting, stabbing whatever understanding is left inside me.

“Why not?” It is too late. I bite my lips hard to stop myself from asking him unnecessary things he doesn’t really need to discuss again, hoping that the metallic taste in my mouth will bring me back to my senses.

“Minji --”

“Look at me, Jong In.” My voice is trembling now, and this makes it harder for him to obey me. Still, I persist, my pent-up emotions starting to consume me. If I were to really lose this battle, then I would want to tell him some things that have been slowly killing me inside before I accept my defeat.

“Jong In.”

He takes a deep breath, but he finally turns to look at me. His chocolate eyes are stormy, swirls of love, frustration, and confusion combining themselves into a heap of turbulent mess in his orbs. I can see a bit of myself on the edges, but Jina, his world, stands right in the middle.   

“We don’t have to do this. If this engagement party doesn't happen, then there will be no wedding.” My voice is barely recognizable due to the tempest raging inside me, but he gets my message clearly.

“But mother…”

“Is not important.” I smile at him, even though he can see right through my pretensions. “But you are, Jong In. You are.”

My words must have created some kind of impact on him, or perhaps the intensity they possessed has been too much, because for the first time since we met, Jong In…

Jong In is really looking at me. Not just in a way that he can see me, but in a way that he is able to take a peek not only of my heart, but also of my soul.

One of my wishes coming true when I least expected it. The irony of it makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time, but I know that this is not the right time to do so because I have my whole future for that anyway -- days when I will just sit back and remember Jong In and this night, my heart scolding my mind for triggering memories she has tried so hard to forget, my mind yelling back at her for painting back the feelings when she told her to just look back. It’s going to be a bumpy, dizzying ride, but knowing that I've had a hand in making him happy…

Screw it. One final moment, so how do I end this?

How do I start?

“Without these clothes,” my shaking hand gestures at my pink dress, now looking paler under the limited light the moon is providing us. “Without my parents, without this kind of  life, Jong In…”

I hold his gaze, my eyes already unreadable because of the way my unshed tears are glossing them over.

“Will you really see me?”

I have finally said it, there goes the last of my courage.

“Minji, I can see you right now.” Jong In says seriously.

No you don’t, I want to say, but we are running out of time.

“Sehun, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are probably waiting outside,” I begin to reveal my real intentions of going to this room. “They will help you escape, the head of staff will usher the four of you guys out of here. We only have a few minutes left.”

“Minji.” Jong In calls my name, but I continue rambling about my plans, deliberately ignoring the urgency and desperation in his voice.

“We need to do this quick. Jina,” My voice breaks, but neither Jong In nor I acknowledge it. “J-Jina is waiting for you...somewhere. Sehun has made the arrangements, so don’t worry.”

“Minji.”

“And there’s one more thing…” Using what is left of my energy, I leave the bed and stand in front of him. He is looking up at me as I let my eyes take in the details of his face, saving the way his features make my heart beat erratically, how they are making it stop right now, how they can bring it back to life... if only.

“Minji, I can see you.” He says again, but I pay no mind to it. Slowly, my knees begin to bend, and then stop when I grab his hands resting on his lap. I am kneeling in front of him, my eyes peering up at him as my tears freely stream down my cheeks.

I love you.

“Thank you for everything.” My lips make out the words perfectly, as if my emotions were not tearing me apart. I try to open my mouth again in an attempt to say something, but my body shakes so hard that I end up resting my head on his lap, weeping as the words I have been truly wanting to say gush out of my mind, but never having the courage to leave past my lips.

I love you. Really, I do. I wish you can love me back. I wish you can wipe my tears away and say that you will marry me. I wish you can forget Jina. I wish you can say that I’m better than her, that you will leave her so you can be with me. I wish you can say that your mother and my parents are right. I wish you can suddenly realize that we’re meant to be together. I wish you can start a life with me, have kids, grow old together...I wish I am in Jina’s shoes. Damn, I wish I was her.

But these are selfish thoughts, and I love you so you don’t deserve to hear this. You don’t deserve to think of me, someone who doesn’t matter as much as Jina because you deserve to be happy. Only with her, too. I love you Jong In, so much it hurts, but it’s okay. It really is. Someday I’ll see you, all happy with the girl you love the most and I will be glad that I did this. I will smile to myself and say that it was worth it.

Time heals all wounds, right? I wouldn’t even call them scars in the end, but imprints of my love. Something that will get me through the days and nights when I think the pain will kill me. Something that will make me think of you, for in the end whatever feeling it may cause me doesn’t matter, because nothing is more painful than not being able to remember you.

“Minji.”

It’s over.

“Please,” I say as I look at his face one last time, with it are my most genuine and sincere wishes I have been wanting send his way the moment it dawned on me that he will love no one else but her. I want to bid him farewell too, but there's no time for that anymore.

“Please make her happy, Jong In.”

I no longer wait for his answers, for our fate has already been sealed. I walk away, heart heavy but at the same time swimming in peace and contentment.

There will be no regrets.


There will be no looking back.