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“It is my pleasure to introduce to all of  you my son Kim Jong In and his  fiancée, Gong Minji.”

 

The Lady announces to the impassive crowd, who all but merely clapped at her anticipated revelation as she makes the engagement between Jong In and I official.

Beside me, Jong In’s heart breaks into tiny shards of glass, so small it is almost impossible to piece them together again. He is as still as a lifeless doll, his body as hard and as cold as ice. I could have been standing next to a corpse, for that’s how he appears to me right now -- a person whose life was just out of him. I try to hold his hand, but he refuses my gesture, perhaps suddenly finding it repulsive and sickening to be even standing next to me.

He doesn’t want to get married. Not to me. How many times has he told me this -- most of the time in the nicest way possible, and why have I not understood a thing?

He doesn’t love me.

I desperately repeat this to myself as I pretend to be in the same place as the people at the party, hoping that my own heart realizes that there is nothing to accept but rejection and defeat.

“Of course, this is not their official engagement party, as that kind of event warrants a bigger celebration.” The Lady’s smile was beatific, but her eyes remain devoid of any genuine emotion. “And the wedding...” She pauses, laughing in a way so delightful-sounding the others can’t help but laugh along with her. “...is to be the grandest celebration of all, so we will have to wait for that a little longer.”

Jong In’s body tenses up at his mother’s words. A little longer may mean the next month, the next week, or even the next day to the Lady.  Nothing can absolutely prepare us for this, and this is something Jong In has always known when it came to his mother. No amount of preparation will ever make people around her sincerely accept her orders, her versions of truth and her dictations of what reality should be. It is something I have always known too, but the unbelievable weight of it still astounds me.

“Everyone,” the Lady’s voice was melodious, but her eyes are steely as she shifts her gaze to us. There is a smile dangling on her lips, but its hard edges tell us how unreal her actions and words are; an impenetrable facade, its barrier difficult to break unless she herself does it. “thank you for being here to witness this momentous event. This union is the start of many good things to come, and I couldn’t be happier that my son is marrying someone like Minji.” She rests her eyes adoringly on me and adds, “My daughter, thank you for accepting my son.”

Her words are cloaked in sincerity that only a mother truly happy for her children can give, but she can no longer fool Jong In and I. Perhaps even the guests did not believe a single thing she's said, but to be really honest, who cared if the Lady is lying through her teeth? No one.

“You can’t do this.” The voice comes off shaky at first, clearly terrified of being heard. Regardless of its feeble quality, the entire place hears it. The Lady does too, but while her demeanour hardened, she pretends to not have heard a thing at all.

She clears to get the guests’ attention back, but the voice persists again, this time braver than the last time.

“You can’t break Jong In and I apart.” One of the guests gasps as Jina herself steps out from the crowd, her face determined as she returned the Lady’s (now) piercing glare. Behind her are Sehun, Chanyeol and Baekhyun -- all of them there to support her and to stand by her, ready to defy the Lady for the sake of Jong In’s freedom.

Jong In says nothing, but it is evident how shocked he is to see Jina finally stand up for their love. Her courage even impresses me despite my place in this situation.

The Lady however, evokes none of the reactions Jong In and I have. She is neither shocked nor impressed; she is enraged. Her eyes have turned into tiny slits, the pools of black in them now darker than before as she narrowed her gaze at Jina. No smile can be seen on her lips, and her cheeks turn redder the longer she looks at the girl outwardly rebelling against her. She would have already slapped Jina for her brazenness if she were standing near her.

“Get out of my sight.” The Lady foregoes her carefully crafted mask in favor of showing how much she resents Jina’s presence in her party. “You disgust me, you vile, filthy thing.” Just then a group of big, hulking men surround Jina and Jong In’s friends, but all of them remain unperturbed by their sudden appearance. Jina is way past that kind of fear now, and my heart drops as I see how ready she already is to fight for Jong In and their relationship. She runs to us as Sehun, Chanyeol and Baekhyun fight off the guards, her eyes fixed only on Jong In’s face.

“I love you,” She says, eyes b with tears as she holds both his hands, her grip strong and resolute on never let him go. “I don’t care what happens to me anymore. I will fight for this, for us. Even if it costs me my life.”

“J-Jina,” Jong In stammers, overcome with emotion as he finally hears the words that he has always yearned to come from Jina’s lips. “I love you, too.”

They embrace while I stand beside them like an ice sculpture slowly melting into a big puddle of useless, wasted water.

If only I could evaporate too, then maybe things would have been a little better for me.

“STOP THIS NONSENSE!” the Lady is beyond furious now, her cool, hard to break exterior already in smithereens. “YOU CANNOT BE WITH THAT WOMAN, JONG IN!” Her head snaps in my direction, eyes almost flaming in rage as she orders me to do something to stop the two of them from ruining her plans.

Can’t the Lady see it, though? I cannot do anything about it anymore. I am as powerless as everyone else is. And why must I do the job of breaking them apart? Why is the Lady putting me in this position if she really thought of me as her daughter? What does my father’s company owe the Lady for her to treat me this way?

“Come on,” I force myself between Jong In and Jina, breaking their contact. The Lady pauses along with crowd as they watch me stop the scene just happening a few inches away from me. Before Jong In and Jina can protest, I take each of their hand with me as my legs begin to sprint away from the madness surrounding the place. The three of us run, the excruciating pain in our feet and ankles disregarded as bigger, frantic  footsteps echo behind us. The Lady’s men are chasing us, and the idea pushes me to go faster, my hand holding Jina’s hand tightly now. I glance sideways to check how Jong In is holding on, and I find out that their hands are clasped together as they tagged along with me. The pain of seeing it not only stabs my heart but my legs as well, and the feeling makes me stumble a little.

“Are you okay?” Jina asks me, clearly already almost out of breath from running. “Minji?”

“I’m fine,” I tell her, my eyes focusing on walls of old bricks, green leaves and pink and white flowers before us - anything but her and Jong In. “I’m fine, let’s just keep running.”

“Thank you, Minji.”

My eyes begin to sting upon hearing her thank me, but I refuse to cry even when the wind is offering to dry my tears as we run. I respond to her with a nod though, just to assure her that I got her message. We run for a few minutes, and it is until I’m at the point of  falling that Jong In begins to give me directions to a secret place the three of us can use without getting discovered.

“Turn left, Minji. There’s a small garden in there that almost everyone staying here has forgotten. We’ll be safe there.”

I follow him without asking questions, imagining that it's the two of us running away from her mother's minions. I desperately wish to be in Jina’s shoes, but then I realize that this is not the right time to entertain such silly fantasies. We arrive at the secluded garden after a few more minutes of running. I let go of Jina’s hand, but Jina doesn’t do the same thing to Jong In’s.

All of us are panting, catching our breaths from doing a strenuous activity in such a short notice. I avert my gaze to a bunch of wilted roses on a pot as Jong In helps Jina breathe normally by pulling her into his arms so she could rest and be comforted.

“Jina, it’s almost over now,” He whispers to her, and I curse at the place for being so deserted and quiet you can almost hear everything, even the hushed, harrowing cries of my heart. “It’s almost over. I got you, ok?”

“Yes, yes,” Jina whispers back. “I got you, too.”

“I’ll leave you guys here.” I put a small smile on my face, for it is the only thing I can afford to give them at the moment -- the pain is too much and I am afraid that my mask crumbles in front of them, exposing my real feelings. I don’t want to burden them with more problems to think about.

“Wait, Minji,” Jina breaks free from Jong In’s arms, throwing her own arms around me in a heartbeat as she envelops me in a hug. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Don’t think about it,”  I say back to her, my tone light. “Now go on, this night is yours, not mine.” I pull away from her, my small smile still intact despite the cracks threatening to show themselves any second now.  Just as I turn to leave, Jong In calls my name softly.

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” He says gratefully. The happiness in his eyes is so evident it rubs off on me in a way I have never expected. This time, I turn back without speaking, only raising my hand to say that he doesn’t have to thank me for anything, all the while looking forward to how the darkness would welcome me to its fold as I completely surrender myself to it. If not the dark, maybe the shadows would give me the solace that I need and deserve.

Everything feels like saying good-bye. As I let the shadows envelope every inch of me into a consoling embrace, I turn around again to look at them one last time; the image of them kissing hits my eyes immediately, a heartbreaking portrait etches itself in my mind, and I fear that no stream of tears can ever wash them away.

I stand there, just a tiny part of me emerging from the darkness so I can watch them and mourn in silence for something I possibly may never have in this lifetime.

“That was very brave of you, Minji-ya,” Someone says to me from behind, his voice so gentle it could have belonged to a ghost’s. Or an angel’s. My vision becomes blurry, and before I can stop myself my body is already trembling from trying so hard to stop myself from breaking down.

The person behind shifts his body closer to me  to give me one of the most comforting back hugs I’ve had in a long time. Right then and there I recognize him, my tears falling harder as I try to move my eyes away from Jong In and Jina, but can’t.

“S-Sehun,” My voice cracks horribly. “Is it bad that I --”

“No.” Sehun says simply. I suddenly feel the back of his hand tenderly wiping my unrelenting tears off my face. “Never.”

“I just wish..I just wish he can look at me as much as he does to...I wish I just didn’t try so hard for him to really, really -- really see me.”

“Someday,” Sehun says in a soothing voice. “Someday Minji, you wouldn’t have to wish for that anymore.”