♥

I am still alive, I am still breathing.

Each intake of air feels like like there’s  thousands of sharp arrows aiming to pierce my heart, but the pain, I realize, is still bearable. Nothing time cannot dull or completely heal, if I’m fortunate enough. Perhaps, my last remaining strength is reserved for the Lady and my parents whom I have greatly disappointed.

The engagement will never happen. Not in this lifetime, when Jong In is the Lady’s son, and I, my parents’ daughter. I shut my eyes tight as I forcefully repeat to myself that it is not possible for the two of us to be together but instead the vivid images of Jong In and Jina’s kiss persists in invading my thoughts, gripping my senses and wrapping themselves around my heart in a manner so rigid I cannot help but question why I have not died yet from the suffering it is causing me.

“Don’t you want to run away from here, even just for a little while?” Sehun is sitting beside me, and a part of me asks why he is still with me. Bringing me to a safer place so I can mourn for the loss I never really had in the first place is enough. His presence is comforting, but it still leaves me perplexed. He should have been helping Jong In and Jina escape, instead of getting sidetracked because of my heartaches.

“Minji?” Sehun tries to call my attention again, his voice more tender this time. I have an inkling that he wants to prevent the pain from consuming me the best way he can. Not wanting to trouble him anymore, I shake my head no, refusing his offer with a small smile -- the only thing I can muster at this moment.

“I’m okay,” I tell him, but he can see right through my lie. He doesn’t hide his skepticism at all and says,

“You’re not. Will you ever be okay tonight, Minji?”

I can tell that he is not deliberately being harsh; he is just being honest with me. I acknowledge this despite how his words have left me a little embittered. In fact, the acceptance goes a little too far that another wave of tears runs freely down my face, unashamed of being seen by Sehun, who probably doesn’t really have a lot of girls crying in front of him like an idiot.

“I think my handkerchief is already soaked with your tears earlier, so stop crying.” Sehun laughs to tell me that he is only joking and is only trying to uplift my mood even just a little, but my misery overpowers me even before I can gratefully welcome his efforts to ease me out of my dreary state.

“I can use my hands,” I snap at him. “And you can leave me alone if it bothers you so much.”

My frigidness unfazes him. Ever the gentleman, he tolerates my rude behavior and apologizes even when it is obviously not needed. “It’s dangerous to leave you, Minji.” he says calmly. “I cannot oblige to your request right now.”

“I won’t kill myself,” I promise him as I hastily wipe my tears, only for the new ones to unabashedly stream down my soaked cheeks. “You should really be making sure that no one stops Jong In and Jina from leaving together instead of watching me weep for nothing.”

“They have Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s assistance, so don’t worry. You on the other hand…” The wind blows stronger, causing the temperature to drop, and it makes  my dress appear and feel to be made of the thinnest fabric. Seeing the way I shivered from the cold, Sehun shrugs his formal jacket off so he can put it around my shoulders instead.

“What about you?” I ask him as his jacket begins to provide me some warmth.

Rubbing his hands together, he smiles at me and says, “I can just freeze over, Minji. It’s nothing new.”

His candidness elicits a laughter from me. “Tsk, very much like an ice prince, huh?”

The brightness in his eyes dims a little as his expression becomes more pensive, reminding me very much of the way he looked like the first day I met him. “That’s what people call me,” he confirms somberly. “Ice prince. Do you think I really am one, Minji?”

I am supposed to be in an emotional turmoil for having just lost a possible future with the man I consider my first love, but Sehun’s questions about how I view him as a person somehow effectively provides a much needed distraction.

“No, I don’t think so.” I furrow my eyebrows as I mentally assessed his behavior. “No, I don’t think you are, Sehun.”

“I think I am,” He says, disagreeing with my opinion. I say nothing at this, because I haven't really gotten the chance to know him better, and the few conversations we had show nothing that can fully support his claims.

“Don’t be like me, Minji.” He tells me as if he were giving some kind of advice that might horribly change my life if I didn’t follow it. “Don't lose yourself in the process of meeting other people's standards the way most of us did.”

His last words echo through me and it makes my withering heart fight for the tiniest sign of life it can get. It’s over though, my mind stresses as my thoughts begin to reflect what my heart is telling me. It’s a battle lost, Minji.

“Should I still fight?” I don’t expect Sehun to respond, but he does regardless.

“For your happiness? Absolutely.”

Absolutely. Sehun says that I should fight for my happiness. Something stirs inside me, hope perhaps, or maybe something better, and it makes my tears stop from falling.  

“You seem ok now.” Sehun notices how fast my tears have dried up. “Are you ok now, Minji?”

“I’m feeling a little bit better.” It is still difficult for me to have my lips curve upwards, but I do this for Sehun, whom I feel deserves all the grateful smiles in the world for not giving up on me. “You’ve done so much, Sehun.”
 

“Don’t mention it.” He smiles back. "You're a friend of mine, after all."

“But I should,” I tell him. “I never had someone like you before.” A cheerless laugh slips past my lips as I add, “I never had a friend until met you guys.”

“So what are you going to do now?” Sehun asks me of my plan, and his question immediately brings me back to the idea of having to face the Lady and my parents again. The thought of having to return to them without Jong In sends ripples of fear in me, but I am aware that what I have done is almost irreparable now.

There is no turning back, as much as I beg for the hands of time to spare me a few minutes so I can gather some strength.

“I am going back to them, Sehun,” I stand up, and he does the same.

“Let me go with you.” He offers. “I’ll tell the Lady that I was the one who orchestrated --”

“Don’t do that.” I resist him before he could convince me to say yes. It is true that I needed someone to support me, but I don’t want him to take the brunt of the Lady’s would be hostile attack once I face them again. I try to shrug his jacket off, but he stops me, wrapping it around me more tightly instead taking it back.

“If you won’t let me go with you, then take my jacket with you instead.”

“To protect me against the cold?”

“To protect you against everything.” Sehun pats the top of my head, his brooding expression back on his face. “Take care, Minji.”

“You should say good luck.” I tell him. He laughs at this, but the jovial sound of his laughter doesn’t reflect in his eyes.

He perfectly knows what will happen to me, but I want him to stop worrying, because he has already done so for several times tonight.

“Good-bye, Sehun.”