9 months

Junhyung’s POV

Haneul’s due date was getting closer and every day was like walking on thin ice for me. I had no idea when she would snap or when she would be all cute and loving towards me. Her cravings were at the extreme and it has been almost three weeks since I had a proper sleep. While I could not deny her of the food she wanted, I was so tired I feel like I would break down even before the baby arrives.

It was almost 5AM and I had spent almost an hour searching for the kimbap she wanted. I almost had to go down on my knees to beg the ahjumma to make one for me. But when she heard that it was for my wife who is pregnant, she took pity on me and made it, not even wanting to accept the money I handed to her.

“I know how it is like being pregnant. I made my husband go crazy too. But he wasn’t as nice as you are. What a lucky girl, whoever your wife is.” She told me.

“But take care. You look very tired. You still need to be there for your baby when he/she is born.” She smiled.

I thanked her and headed back home. I opened the door as gently as possible, not wanting to risk waking anyone up.

“You scared me!” I jumped when I saw Haneul sitting on the sofa, staring at me.

“Really? I did? Did you do something wrong?” She asked.

“What? How is it not scary the fact you are sitting here in the dark like that?” I said.

“Not unless you did something wrong.” She said.

“What did I do wrong?” I asked, putting down the two rolls of kimbap.

“You tell me.” She said.

I thought hard. What did I do wrong? All I did these few months was work and take care of her needs. Were all these wrong?

“I didn’t…” Before I could finish, I felt a stinging slap across my cheek.

“WHAT IS THIS!?” She yelled, throwing a packet of something into my face.

“You promised me you would never touch these again! With our baby almost going to be born, you’re doing this again!? Yong Junhyung, why are you such a disappointment!?” She screamed into my face.

“What did I do!?” I yelled back, staring at the packet of white substance.

“These are…” She cut me off before I could finish.

“Don’t give me any more excuses! Just don’t! I’m disappointed in you. I don’t care anymore. If you want to get yourself drugged and killed, do it somewhere else but not at home! We don’t need a drug addict at home.” She said, glaring hard at me.

“THESE ARE NOT DRUGS! YOU ING PASSED ME THIS PACKET OF GLUCOSE POWDER WITH PAINKILLERS THIS MORNING, ASKING ME TO DRINK IT AT WORK IF I GET THOSE HORRIBLE CRAMPS! I DIDN’T HAVE THE TIME TO DRINK IT THAT’S WHY IT IS BACK HERE!” I shouted back, feeling so annoyed at the fact she jumped into conclusion even before she got the facts right.

“How can I still trust your words?” She asked.

“Ahhh~ So ultimately it isn’t about this? It is about you not being able to trust me anymore? I get it, I get it. I will always be a drug addict, be it whether I still take drugs or not. Because I did it once, that label will follow me for life.” I said.

She said nothing, but head back upstairs.

I fell onto the sofa, holding my head that throbbed in pain out of a sudden. I felt a ball of fur jump onto my lap, snuggling close to my chest.

“Why are you still coming to me? I’m not a good person. Don’t come to me.” I said, trying to push Yongie away, but he kept coming back, determined to settle himself onto my lap.

“You’re a good person, Appa. Yongie only recognizes good people.” A small voice said.

I looked up to find Ji Eun looking at me.

“Did we wake you, baby girl?” I asked.

She shook her head. She sat down on the table in front of me and dusted the powder off my face.

“Did you see everything?” I asked.

She nodded. I turned away, unable to face her.

“Does it hurt?” She asked, touching my stinging cheek.

I shook my head.

“Appa, don’t be angry with Umma.” She said.

I smiled and nodded at her.

“I’m not angry.” I said.

“Then don’t be sad, and don’t cry.” She said, wiping off my tears that flowed unconsciously.

“I’m sorry you have to see me in this state.” I said, covering my face.

She wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her cheek against my chest.

 “I really did not do it. I really did not.” I cried.

“Appa, you’re making Ji Eun want to cry too.” She said softly with a slight pout.

“I’m so sorry.” I said, trying to stop my tears.

Yongie made a soft whimpering sound.

“Am I making you want to cry too? Ahh~ So sorry.” I said, picking the puppy up in my arms.

“Go back to sleep, Ji Eun ah~” I said, kissing her hair.

“No. I want to stay with Appa until he feels better.” She said, hugging my waist tightly.

“Do you trust me?” I asked, resting my cheek onto her head.

“Of course. You’re my Appa.” She said.

“But baby girl, you ought to know that I am not that much of a good person you think I am.” I said.

“Appa, whatever you did in the past does not determine who you are. We all make mistakes. You forgive us when we do too. You’re still our Appa and we love you very much. Ji Eun loves you very much.” She said.

“Some mistakes are graver than others.” I said.

“But all mistakes deserve to be forgiven.” She smiled and kissed me on my lips, not letting me say anything.

“APPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I heard a deafening scream, followed by Tae Hyun running down the stairs.

“What is it!?” I asked, almost pushing Ji Eun onto the ground.

“Umma!” He said, looking like he was in shock.

From the look on his face, I instantly knew what he meant. I raced up the stairs, putting everything that happened just now behind me. This is more important now than some lame accusation.

Haneul’s POV

“Umma~” A small voice called out, followed by Tae Hyun climbing up our bed and snuggling against me.

“Did we wake you?” I asked, smoothing his hair.

He just smiled and leaned against me, his small palm caressing my huge belly. He has the same habit as Junhyung. They both like to caress my belly and just smile at it like a fool.

“Umma, can I say something?” He asked.

“Say.” I said.

“You really gave that packet of thing to Appa this morning.” He said.

“I did?” I asked.

“Yea. Don’t you remember? Appa wasn’t looking so well during breakfast, then when he said that it was his stomach that was aching, you gave him a cup of drink. Before he left for work, you handed that packet to him. The both of you were still giggling over something before he left.” He said.

/FLASHBACK

“Why are you not eating?” I asked Junhyung who had his head resting on the dining table, poking the bread absentmindedly with his fork.

“It hurts.” He muttered.

“Hurts? What hurts?” I asked, sitting down beside him.

He shook his head and let out a sigh. He rubbed his stomach before getting up.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’m going to lie down for awhile. Let me know when the kids are done with their meal.” He said, heading over to the massage chair.

“Eat up.” I said to Ji Eun and Tae Hyun who looked worried.

“Is it the cramps?” I asked as I went over to him.

He nodded.

“Why not I send them to school instead, and you take a day off work?” I asked, massaging his stomach.

“It’s fine. It’ll be over.” He muttered.

“I can drive them.” I said.

“I don’t want you driving like that, and besides, I can’t take a day off work.” He said.

I went to make him painkillers with glucose and made him drink it.

“What’s this?” He asked as I handed him the packet of powder before he left for work.

“The same. If it hurts a lot, drink it.” I said.

“It looks like drugs.” He laughed.

“I know right. We don’t have a small enough container.” I pouted.

“Aww~ It’s okay.” He said, kissing me on my forehead.

“Be a good baby.” He said to my belly before kissing on it.

I kissed all of them goodbye before letting them go off.

/END OF FLASHBACK

“Ahh~ So it’s really me…” I muttered.

Tae Hyun smiled as he continued to caress my belly.

“Owww~” I winced when I felt a familiar pain.

“Umma, what’s wrong?” Tae Hyun asked, wide eyed.

“Just.. oww..” I could not even tell him properly what was going on.

“Umma!” He looked so scared, as though going to cry.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, darling. Just go.. call your Appa.” I said.

He jumped out of bed and ran out of the room.

“APPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I heard him yell.

“Haneul! What’s wrong!?” Junhyung came running into the room.

He did not have to wait for me to explain to him. He knew it immediately.

“Give me a minute.” He said as he fumbled with his phone.

“Thank you very much, hyung. I’ll leave the door open. Yes. I’ll let you guys know. Thanks.” He said to whoever that was on the line.

He turned to Ji Eun and Tae Hyun who both looked scared.

“Seungho ahjusshi will come take care of the both of you. Umma and I will be back very soon, okay?” He said to the both of them before kissing them on their forehead.

“But Umma…” Ji Eun said, looking scared.

“Umma is fine. Is just that our baby is coming, that’s all. Both of you be good, and then tomorrow you might be able to see whether you’ve become a hyung or an oppa, a noona or an unni.” He said, poking the both of them on their nose gently.

“Umma, hwaiting!” Tae Hyun smiled at me.

Ji Eun ran over and kissed me on my cheek before letting Junhyung help me down.

During the car ride to the hospital, he said nothing but kept turning over to check if I was okay.

“Junroro, I…” He stopped me before I could finish.

“Conserve your energy. We’ll be there soon.” He said, caressing my cheek briefly.

Later, Junhyung. I will beg forgiveness from you later. Even if I have to go down on my knees, I will do it.

I was pushed into delivery room the moment we arrived. I did not have to wait long before feeling that intense pain that indicates the arrival of our baby very soon.

I was screaming and grabbing whoever that was beside me, which happened to be Junhyung. He let me abuse him while he whispered encouraging words into my ear.

“AHHHH !!!” I cursed, causing the gynae and the other nurses to laugh.

Junhyung smiled slightly, and then apologized to them on my behalf.

“Your baby is almost here.” The gynae said.

I had no idea I was strangling Junhyung until he choked and half collapse onto me.

 “Jun.. AHHHHHHHHH!!” I screamed as I brought our baby into the world.

“Congratulations. It’s a boy.” The gynae smiled.

Our baby boy’s cries filled the entire delivery room almost as instantly as he was born. So loud and alive, reminding me of Loki.

The nurse handed our son to me. I got worried when Junhyung coughed till his face turned red. His neck also held deep red marks of my fingers.

“Are you okay?” I asked him, wanting to look closer at what I did to him, but he moved away slightly.

“Hey, little thing~” He smiled, touching our son’s cheek gently with his finger.

“Junroro…” I muttered as he turned away to cough.

“Thank you.” He said to me before kissing me on my forehead.

I held onto his hand, but he did not say anything. I was about to apologize when the nurse asked him to register.

“I’ll be back.” He said before following the nurse out.

I sighed tiredly. He really was upset this time and not intending to give me a chance to apologize, I guess.

When I woke up again, I heard Ji Eun and Tae Hyun’s excited chattering, as well as laughter coming from the boys.

“She’s awake.” Minji said, smiling at me.

“Hi~” I smiled tiredly at them.

Junhyung took a glance at me. He had our newborn in his arms, down at Ji Eun and Tae Hyun’s level so they could have a better look at their brother. They bombarded me with congrats and a lot of questions about the baby, but my only concern now was Junhyung.

A knock on the door distracted our talking. The nurse came in, looking at us shyly. Of course, with a roomful of idols, how is it that any female could react normally?

“We erm… need to bring the baby back for some tests.” She said, looking at me.

I nodded in approval.

“Your third?” She asked Junhyung.

“Fourth.” He smiled, planting a kiss on our son’s forehead before letting the nurse take him.

The nurse looked around, a little confused since there was no other kids except Ji Eun and Tae Hyun around.

“My third boy left us awhile ago.” Junhyung said with a sad smile.

“I’m so sorry.” The nurse apologized quickly.

“Don’t worry about it.” Junhyung said.

After they took the baby, the rest stayed for awhile and chatted with me before leaving.

“Listen to Jace, alright?” Junhyung said to the both of them before they left.

“Rest well, both of you.” Doojoon said before they left.

When it was just the both of us, I turned to Junhyung who was staring out of the window.

“Junroro~” I called out again.

“Hmm?” He responded, not looking at me.

“Are you okay?” I asked him.

“Yea. Get some sleep. It was hard on you.” He said.

“Can we… talk?” I asked.

“Get some sleep.” He said.

“You too.” I said softly.

I woke up to an empty hospital room. Junhyung’s stuff were still lying around but he was not here.

“Hey, you’re up.” The nurse smiled at me as she checked on me.

“Did you see… my husband?” I asked.

“Oh yea, he is outside, playing with the baby through the glass window. Your son is the happiest of all the babies.” She smiled.

After she checked on me, I made my way outside. It was tiring to walk, but it does not matter. I lean against the wall, watching Junhyung make faces at the glass panel. He looked like a fool if people had no idea what he was doing, but then again, Junhyung is indeed a fool for his kids.

“The nurse told me that our son is the happiest of all the babies. I guess I could understand why. With you making faces at him like that~” I said as I walked towards him.

He jumped slightly at my voice.

“What are you doing out here? You should be resting in bed.” He said, waving to our son before turning away.

“Junhyung, I’m sorry for accusing you, again.” I said.

He shrugged his shoulders.

“Please forgive me.” I said.

“I don’t blame you. I mean… I made a mistake like that. I should have expected the consequences to follow me for life. So who am I to even get upset?” He said.

“Don’t say things like that, please.” I held onto his hands.

I watch as his tears dripped all over my hands, but I had no idea what to do or say.

“I really did not do it. It has never ever crossed my mind to take drugs again. I swear. I too am very afraid that I might lose myself and make the same mistake again, but I am trying very hard not to.” He said.

“I know. I see your efforts. I really do.” I said.

“Then why? Why doubt me like that?” He asked, his eyes filled with tears as he looked at me sadly.

I had nothing to say to help myself. Why did I doubt him like that?

“Go and rest. You need it.” He said, wiping his tears.

“I’m scared too, Junhyung. I’m scared that you would lose to the fists of drugs and end up like that again. I’m scared to lose you.” I said.

“But I’m not pushing all the blame on you. It is my fault this time and I acknowledge it. I’m sorry. Would you forgive me? Please?” I continued.

He remained silent.

“Do you want your baby?” The nurse asked as she came out of the room. She must have saw us standing outside.

“Yes, please.” I said.

She handed our son to Junhyung. He smiled at the sight of his sleeping son, and then headed back to the room with him in his arms. He put him in my arms the moment we were back inside. I made room for him to sit on the bed, but he did not.

“Hey, precious.” I said softly.

“What should we name him?” I asked Junhyung.

He shrugged his shoulders.

“I was thinking of Seol Chan.” I said.

He looked at me, seemingly surprised. Seol Chan was the name of his character in the new drama he was working on.

“Yong Seol Chan, doesn’t it sound nice?” I asked.

“Seol Chan is a screwed up, angsty teenager. Why do you want to name our son after him?” He asked.

“Exactly because he is screwed up and angsty, I want to be there for him. Just like… how I want to be there for you.” I said.

He looked away.

“At times I might misunderstand some stuff and jump to conclusion. That is immaturity on my part, and I hope you would help me change that too.” I said.

He nodded slightly. So slight I almost could not see it.

“So, Seol Chan’s appa, would you come and lie down on the bed with me? You look so tired I have the need to coax you to sleep.” I said.

He smiled and walked over, joining me in bed.

“Seol Chan ah~ Don’t grow up angsty. Be a happy boy like your brothers and sister.” Junhyung said, poking Seol Chan’s nose gently as he rested his head on my shoulder.

“Stop poking his nose.” I said, but could not help to poke Seol Chan’s nose too.

“His nose is so cute. So small and button-like.” Junhyung chuckled to himself.

He laughed when the baby boy wiggled his nose despite asleep when Junhyung poked him again.

“Aigoo~ My son, so cute~” He said, admiring his son.

"Your nose is very cute too~" I said, poking his nose.

"Ouch~ Who pokes so hard?" He pouted.

"Aigoo aigoo~ Did I hurt you?" I , tickling his nose with my nail.

I stopped when I saw the bruises forming on his neck.

"I almost killed you." I muttered, touching his neck.

"It's alright." He smiled.

"If you did not fall over, I might have really strangled you to death." I said.

"It's okay~" He said, kissing me on my cheek.

"Did I hurt you anywhere else?" I asked.

He put my palm against his chest, indicating his heart.

"Ahhh~" I mumbled.

"But it's all good now~" He smiled.

He drifted off into sleep quickly, but his fingers that was holding onto Seol Chan’s hand never loosen its grip.

“Loki~” I heard Junhyung call out suddenly.

I looked at him but he was still asleep.

“Loki…. You’re… a hyung… now~” He sleep-talked, tears flowing down his cheeks.

I felt tears sting my eyes as I wiped off his tears. Yea, Loki, you’re a hyung now, but still our baby boy always.

***
Ji Eun: Appa, you’re making Ji Eun want to cry too.

Junhyung entertaining Seol Chan through the glass panel.

Junhyung: I really did not do it. It has never ever crossed my mind to take drugs again. I swear. I too am very afraid that I might lose myself and make the same mistake again, but I am trying very hard not to.