Minji’s POV

“Where are we going!?” Minki asked for the umpteenth time today.

“To find your Deedee, sweetheart. I told you that just moments ago.” I said as I drove.

She have been blabbering a lot of nonsense recently. Although it is cute to watch her talk, but at times she bombard us with so much questions we get a headache.

“Sweetheart, do not poke Seul Ki like that. She’s not Elely.” I said when I caught her poking Seul Ki’s cheeks.

Instead of crying, Seul Ki was giggling, perhaps enjoying the fact her sister is playing with her.

“But she’s cuter like that!” Minki grinned as she continued to poke Seul Ki’s cheek, causing laughter from the baby.

“Where are we going!?” She asked again.

“To find your Deedee.” I said with a sigh.

“Where’s Deedee!?” She asked.

“At work.” I said.

“Why?” She asked.

“Why?” I laughed.

“Why?” She asked.

“Because…. That is his job?” I answered.

“Oh.” She laughed, burying her face into Seul Ki’s chest.

When we finally arrived at the venue, I was so glad to tell Minki about it so she would stop asking where are we going.

“So much people!!!” She said, pressing her face against the window as I drove passed the sea of people into the car park.

They were having some sort of joint concert, both Beast and MBLAQ would be performing. I thought it would be a good chance to bring Minki here to watch her Deedee perform, seeing the fact she idolize her father so much.

“Minki, remember what I told you before we left home?” I asked her as I removed her seat belt.

She nodded.

“You sure you remember?” I asked.

She giggled and shook her head.

“I said that there are a lot of people here and you have to be a very good girl if you want to come see Deedee perform again. If you misbehave here, I would never bring you to events like this anymore.” I said.

“But… Minki is a good girl!” She said.

“Of course, so be extra good today and make your Deedee very happy, okay?” I asked.

She nodded.

She turned to Seul Ki and poked Seul Ki’s cheek.

“Be a good girl!” She yelled.

I laughed helplessly at her action.

Perhaps because of the sea of people that rushed around, Minki clung onto me tightly as we find our way to the waiting room. When she finally saw her father, she broke free from my grip and ran towards him, hugging him tightly.

“Oh! What’s wrong?” Seungho asked.

“I think it was too crowded outside that she got scared.” I said as I greeted everyone else.

“BABY! BABY! BABY!!!” Mir squealed, his arms waving wildly, wanting to take Seul Ki from me, in which I gladly handed her to him.

“Is my Minki scared?” Seungho asked as he let the girl sit on his lap.

He humored her a little and she was back to herself again, running crazily around the waiting room, head butting her ahjusshis, giving them a scare of their life.

“Let her be.” Seungho said, pulling me to sit next to him.

“Tweety Ho~” I laughed at his blonde hair.

“Stop teasing me~” He pouted.

“Alright, alright.” I said.

He intertwined his fingers with mine. I could feel him shaking slightly.

“Why are you shaking?” I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders and laughed nervously.

“Is it because Minki is here?” I asked.

“Maybe.” He muttered.

“You’re already number one in her heart, so why worry?” I asked.

“What if I don’t do a good job?” He asked.

“You always do a good job, Lucky.” I said.

He was still nervous and I knew there was nothing I could do about it except hold his hand. We watch as Minki play along with the guys. Minki, do you have any idea how lucky you are? Even if Seungho is not a celebrity, having such a loving man as your father, you are one lucky girl.

Beast entered the waiting room together with Haneul and her kids. They exchanged greetings and then settled down. Junhyung came over and asked me to let him borrow his ‘wifey’ for a while.

“What are they talking about?” Haneul asked as she sat down beside me.

“No idea.” I said.

About an hour later, MBLAQ’s manager announced for them to go get ready. They would be on stage soon. Seungho did not look too good after hearing that.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

He shook his head. He was obviously pale and his hands were shaking.

“Hey, calm down.” I said, holding both his hands.

“I’m trying.” He hissed.

“Deedeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” Minki ran over, smacking her father on his lap.

Seungho laughed nervously, trying to appear normal.

“Deedee is going to perform soon. What should you tell him?” I asked Minki.

She thought for a while, and then let out a cheeky grin.

“I AM WATCHING YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!” She screamed.

I rolled my eyes and mentally smacked myself. Just who taught her that sentence!?

She ran off, leaving Seungho more nervous than before.

“She actually meant ‘fighting’.” I said quickly.

“Arghhhhhh!!!” He buried his face into his palms.

I rubbed his back, trying to calm him, although I know it was useless.

“You’ll be fine, you’ll be fine.” I said.

It was time and they had to go. MBLEAST did a ‘fighting’ together, and then they went on stage. Minki and I stood at the side of the stage, watching them. The moment the song started, Minki started jumping and screaming. She recognized the song ‘It is war’, and she loved it.

“Shhhh~” I tried to calm the girl while embarrassingly apologizing to the crew around who were squealing at her.

After trying to stop her from behaving wildly for a few minutes, I realize it was pointless. I let her be, as long as she does not disturb anyone else. I watched Seungho dance and was captured into his smooth movements. Although there were five people on stage, I only had eyes for him.

MBLAQ Yang Seungho and Yang Seungho is really two different people. MBLAQ Yang Seungho is someone who is charismatic and a little cocky, but at the same time proves to the world that he has all the rights to be cocky just because he can. He lives up to his name as Leader Yang Seungho. He is talented in all ways and he knows it.

However, behind the cockiness and charisma, there is also Yang Seungho, the one who puts his all into everything he does, the one who worries about everything, the one who is so strict with himself and seek improvement all the time, the one who is actually vulnerable and would cry like a baby.

While the world sees the ‘perfect’ Yang Seungho, I am so glad to be the one who can see his vulnerable side. I may laugh when he cries and about it, but deep down, I am so thankful for the fact he allowed me into that world of his. I admire the Yang Seungho on stage, but I am in love with the one that cries and needs all the protection in the world.

“Hey!” Someone shook me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Huh?” I looked at the person, confused.

Where is Minki?

She pointed out at the stage. I gasped when I saw Minki running through the group of dancers, having absolutely no thought that it was a dangerous thing to do. People might just kick her in her face. I almost scream out for her when the whole dance team stopped. Everyone downstage was screaming, while MBLAQ looked as confused as I am. Seungho exchanged glances with me. I had no idea what to do.

“Deedee!!” Minki said, picking up Seungho’s cap and handing it to him.

This girl never fail to send my heart on a roller coaster ride, but I can never seem to get angry at whatever she does.

“Awwwww~~~” Everyone was squealing.

Seungho smiled like a proud father. He was smiling so widely he could not seem to close his mouth at all. He bend down to Minki’s level, letting her put the cap back on his head, causing more squeals from everyone. She disrupted their performance, but how could anyone get angry at the innocent soul who simply thought her father dropped his precious cap and just wanted to get it back for him?

Seungho picked Minki up and gave her a kiss on her cheek, earning deafening screams from the audience below.

“Sorry for the sudden disruption. She must have thought I dropped my cap by accident. Anyway, this is my daughter, Yang Minki.” Seungho said, the wide grin not leaving his face.

And oh, I am also in love with this side of Yang Seungho; The one who loves his daughter so much that he would make exceptions he would never make for others just for her.  

***
“Gosh!!! That was soooooooooo cute!!” Haneul squealed when we went back to the waiting room.

Seungho was still carrying Minki and having their little time together. He ended up continuing their performance with her next to him.

 “It was scary, alright! But yea, cute.” I smiled.

“I thought I told you to behave yourself?” I asked Minki.

“I did!!” She protested.

“Yes, yes. You did.” Seungho smiled.

“You’re going to get a scolding later on.” I said.

“It doesn’t matter.” He grinned.

We sat around the waiting room, watching Beast perform through the television. Tae Hyun and Ji Eun were glued to the screen, not even blinking their eyes as they watch their Appa perform. Haneul was a smiling mess too.

“Umma!” Minki called out as she came to sit beside me.

“Where’s your Deedee?” I asked.

She pointed to the door. It was slightly open. Did Seungho leave? Where was he going? Why did he not say anything?

After Beast’s performance, Tae Hyun and Ji Eun cheered like crazy. Haneul could not stop laughing at them, but her smile turned into confusion when everyone else except Junhyung left the stage.

Haneul’s POV

Why was Junhyung still on stage after everyone else left? Tae Hyun and Ji Eun looked at me, confused. I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what was going on as well.

“Haneul~” Their manager called out.

“Why is he…?” I asked.

“Would you come for little while? Together with the kids?” He asked.

“Eh?” I was confused.

“Just come with me.” He smiled.

I looked at Minji who gestured me to go on. I followed their manager together with Tae Hyun and Ji Eun. I was taken to the side of the stage. Junhyung was sitting on stage alone, playing with the microphone in his hand.

“Just stay here.” His manager whispered to me.

“I know all of you are curious as to why I am still here. Firstly, I would like to thank the organizers for giving me this chance despite the short notice, and also to Seungho hyung who agreed to help me out although I let him know about this just awhile ago.” Junhyung said.

Seungho sat behind the piano and smiled at Junhyung. Seungho happened to look over and we exchanged glances. I tried to ask him what was going on, but he gestured me to watch on.

“I guess most of you here today would have know that not too long ago, I lost the sunshine in my life. My baby boy, Loki, he was merely six years old when we lost him. It was a terrible period for both my wife and me. Everything happened so suddenly, and honestly, up until today, I still have not gotten over his death. I believe I never would.” He said.

“But what can I do? What can we do? We cannot make the dead undead. We will never have Loki back in our lives. Till the day I die, my failure to protect him would be the biggest regret of my life. I let my son slip out of my own hands. I did not save him like how I promise him I would.” He continued.

“I blame myself day and night for his death. Then it turned into hatred. Initially I was angry with the world. Why of all people in the world has it have to be my Loki who dies such a tragic death? Why not me? Why not some criminal or offender? Why my innocent son? I asked questions like this every day, but never got an answer for it. During this period of time, I did many things that upset a lot of people, especially Haneul, my wife.” He turned to look at me.

“What did this… innocent girl… did to deserve a disaster like me? What did she do wrong to deserve my existence in her life? I gave her more unhappiness than any person could give. I upset her more than anyone would. Why is this brilliant girl married to a man like me, who cannot even keep to his promise to bring her happiness, who cannot even protect their son? What did this girl do so wrong in her past life to have to endure my nonsense?” He asked, looking at me.

I shook my head, crying horribly. Junhyung, you’re not a disaster. Why are you saying that about yourself?

“Haneul, I am sorry for forcing my way into your life. I am sorry that while you stuck to the marriage vows, I broke mine. I am sorry for all the wrong things I did to you. You never deserved my temper, my tantrum, my bad behavior, my recklessness, my mean words and so on.” He said.

“No…” I cried, hoping he would stop.

“But thank you, Haneul, my darling. Thank you sticking by me. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for forgiving me over and over again. Thank you for everything you sacrificed for me. What do I do? How can I repay you? I have nothing to give you.” He said.

Do you not realize, Junhyung, that you being alive and well is the best repayment you could ever give me?

“I miss Loki, Haneul ah~ Why is it that we stopped talking about him? Is it because it is scary to know that he would never return into our lives? Haneul, shall we let Loki go?” He asked.

I looked up. Let Loki go?

“I will never be able to forgive myself for what happened to him, but I don’t wish to hold him imprisonment because of my own guilt. Remember how Loki is always happy and carefree? Like nothing else matters in the world for him except tease those around him, including us, especially me.” He said, smiling despite the tears that flowed uncontrollably.

“Shall we let him go and be carefree again?” He asked.

I always thought I had come to terms with Loki’s death, but it is only until today did I realize I had never come to terms with it. I had only pushed it to the back of my head and ignored the pain.

“I know it is selfish of me to ask you like this, but…” He stopped talking.

The sound of the piano filled the stage, and then everyone kept quiet.

“Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven? Would you feel the same If I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven~” Junhyung started singing.

His voice was shaky from the crying, but it was the most beautiful voice I ever heard.

“Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand If I saw you in heaven? I'll find my way through night and day 'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven~” He continued to sing.

He paused to cry, and then picked himself up again.

“Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven~” He sang.

“Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven? Would you feel the same If I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven~” He ended the song.

He dropped the microphone and fell off the chair. He was on his knees, sobbing like crazy.

“Loki, Daddy is so, so, so sorry.” I heard him say faintly.

Seungho went over to pull him up. The crowd was a yelling mess but that was the least of my concerns now.

I hugged Junhyung tightly, supporting his weight.

“Let’s do it, Junhyung ah~ Let’s do it.” I said, rubbing his back.

“Let’s let Loki go.” I said, closing my eyes, unable to believe I actually said those words.

Junhyung was crying so loudly and painfully everyone around us just stood and stared. I believe everyone outside could hear him too. He cried so hard he passed out in my arms. Although I was shocked, but for once, I felt glad that he fainted, because only unconscious can he be peaceful.

We were already back home when he woke up. He stared at me blankly.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, touching his cheek.

“Horrible.” He muttered.

I sighed and rested against his chest. He put his arm around me, patting me absentmindedly.

“Shall we introduce Seol Chan to Loki before letting him go? He deserves to know that he has become a hyung, don’t he?” I asked.

“Do you think he will be happy that he is a hyung now?” He asked.

“Perhaps.” I said.

That night, all of us slept in Loki’s room. I never thought I could ever step into his room again seeing so much happened here, but surprisingly I slept very, very well. I woke up to find them still asleep. Junhyung was holding onto Seol Chan against his chest while Tae Hyun and Ji Eun snuggled against him.

I sat hugging my knees, watching them.

“Loki ah~ You’re a hyung now.” I smiled, watching Seol Chan sleep.

“I love you so much, Loki ah~ I apologize for holding onto you for so long. You are loud and always tease the people around you, but Loki, do you know how proud I am to have you as my son? I hope I have been a good enough Umma for you to be proud too.” I said.

“My baby boy, as much as I wish I could hold onto you forever, but I shall not be selfish anymore. . Go on, Loki, go and be free. Don’t get hurt. Take good care of yourself. Be a good boy, and… we love you very, very much.” I continued.

Junhyung opened his eyes, looking at me. I lean in to kiss him on his lips. From the corner of my eye, I saw something I was looking for since Loki died; his soft toy. I searched high and low for it but never found it, but now it was lying there, at the corner of his bed. Junhyung turned to where I was looking. He let out a smile when he saw it.

“See you, my sunshine~” He said softly as he reached for the toy.

“And I love you.” I said to him, cupping his cheeks, making me face him.

“Me too.” Tae Hyun said, sitting up suddenly, pouting at us.

“Me three.” Ji Eun said.

“Me four.” Junhyung said.

“Me five.” I said. 

And it went on and on until all of us drifted off into sleep. How can a number measure love? Love is infinite. 

Junhyung, you always tell people that I am a brave person, but you have no idea how brave you actually are. And yes, what have I done in my past life to deserve you? What goodness have I done to be rewarded with you in my life? This is a question that I would never have an answer to, but does it matter?

- 끝 -

***
When Minki picks up Seungho's cap for him

Junhyung: Shall we let him go and be carefree again?

***
Thank you for sticking by, thank you for reading :)