My eyes were shifted down, my body as stiff as the wooden floor beneath my feet. I didn't dare to move, let alone breath. I couldn't even think at the moment as I tried to take in the words that had leisurly flowed from my doctors mouth a couple seconds ago. 

"What do you mean there's no cure!" I cringed slightly at my mothers cry, concentrating on an indent at the bottom leg of a chair that suddenly seemed interesting.

"I'm sorry mam, but there's nothing more we can do." I inwardly sighed.

"You haven't even tried!"

"Mam, we have been diagnosing your son for the past 6 months."

"And yet nothing! No progress, no improvement!"

"I'm sorry mam, but it's irreversible. The damage has already progressed too far."

"He's broken, and you can't even fix him! And you call yourself a doctor." My jaw clenched at the word broken as I looked up from the ground to my mother. 

Her face was plastered with a scorn, her eyes filled with anger as her sight fixated on the doctor. 

The doctor looked at me pitifully from his peripheral before looking directly at my mother,

"Mam, your son is not..broken."

My mother's face immediatly loosened as her eyes shifted to find me looking at her. Her shoulders went from a hunch to sagging back and her posture drooped. Her whole body seemed to drag and her eyes lost its luster transforming to that of sorrow. 

"Honey, yo-you know that I didn't mean it like that."

I gave her a slight nod again directing my gaze at the ground. Sighing, she dragged her hand through her hair looking back at the doctor, 

"So there is nothing more we can do?"

"No mam. I'm sorry but there is nothing more we can do."

"Alright, how much longer did you say that he had?"

"At the most a month. But as time progress you should know that he will experience side effects."

"Which are?"

"Dizziness, headaches. I think that he should be watched over carefully."

"You hear that?" She asked turning back to me this time with a slight smirk,

"That means no more late night parties, or rendezvous, you got that?"

I couldn't help but give her back a sloppy grin. Of course she was joking. All I did after school was come home, work at our little pastery shop we owned till night, and then do my homework. Leaving the doctors an hour later with bags filled with prescriptions, we headed home. Leaning my head on the window sill, I looked out watching all the things I wouldn't be able to see again in a month. 

"You know for someone who is about to go blind, you are very...calm."

I shifted my head turning towards my mother who was driving. She didn't look at me, but I could see her eyebrows crease inwards. 

"Well it's like they said. There's nothing we can do about it." 

"I know, but it still doesn't get you...angry, mad, anything?" This time she gazed at me sideways with curiosity before snapping her attention back to the road when the car shifted off course.

I sighed, I didn't know what I was feeling at the moment. I was happy, angry, sad, all at the same time. I feel like a hot pot with too many ingredients. Resting my head back on the window, I looked at the sky filled with clouds. 

"I guess just regret."

"Regret?"

"For not looking at the world more closely. All the things I skimmed over thinking that they weren't important because I saw them everyday. No-now I won't be able to see them again, ever."

I could feel everything slowly begin to sink in.

"I won't be able to see trees, buildings, roads. I won't be able to see art, movies, read. I won't be able to see animals, people. My friends. Dad. You." With the last I felt my voice crack and I could feel something wet as a single tear slid down my cheek. 

"Oh honey."

I dragged the back of my palm over my cheek, wipping my face.

"I'm fine." I whispered unconvincingly. 

Taking her right hand, she rubbed my shoulder. I didn't look at her and as the car came to a stop in our driveway I clicked off my seatbelt and opened the door, jumping out. Walking straight up the walkway, I didn't wait for her as I pushed through the front door and headed up the stairs to my room. I could hear her faintly yell a,

"I love you." before shutting the door behind me. 

Walking over to my desk, I threw down a journal the doctor had given me, or diary as he called it. Picking up the discarded ipod I left from the morning with headphones still attached, I placed them in my ear, raising the volume loud enough to discard any outside noise. Dropping onto the bed, I laid on my back staring at the ceiling. Looking up, my vision was filled with the same image I saw everytime I looked at my ceiling, the picture of the ocean. I have never been and it is-was my dream to see it. I felt my throat close up. The one thing I wanted to do I wasn't going to be able to do because I had no way of going. Unless I went on my own, but I didn't want that. I wanted to go with someone who I cared for, someone who would share that sacred memory with me. Besides, I didn't even know how to get there. I sighed. There was so much I wanted to say, but didn't know how to express it. I didn't really have anyone close enough for me to express my feelings to and my parents were too stressed with work to worry about how I feel. Now resting on my elbows, my eyes cought the journal that laid on my desk making me lift an eyebrow.

When the doctor had given to it I wanted to snort. I wasn't a girl, so writing my feelings didn't seem all that appealing; however, sitting here maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I couldn't tell someone, I could write it. Slowly sliding off the bed, I began to walk back to the desk. Dropping into the seat, I took the journal into my hands, skimming my fingers over the old leather. Looking around as if I was going get scolded for who knows what reason, I took a breath and opened it to the first page to find only one sentence on the page. 

Diary of

Turning to my stack of pens, I grabbed one clicking it open. Turning back to the journal, I sat there with the pen in my hand looking at the blank space debating if I was really going to do it. Shaking a bit, I brought down my hand tracing nervously,

Do Kyungsoo

Finishing, I brought back my hand and drew in a breath. Well it was too late to turn back now. Turning the page, I looked at the calender before jotting down in the top right corner of the page the date. 

November 17, 2013

Bringing my hand back over to the left side I began to write,

Dear Diary,

and before I knew it I was so immersed in writing that the only thing that brought me back to reality was the sound of knocking at my door. Pulling out one of my headphones I heard my mother call out,

"Dinner's ready."

Before I looked back at the journal to find that I had written a full page. Sighing, I slowly closed the journal and put back the pen before turning off my ipod and shoving it into the drawer, walking over to the door. Opening it, I went under the door frame, turning to look back at the journal that now rested secretly between two textbooks. I couldn't help but feel my lip curve upwards in a faint smile at my new safe haven.