*SIWON’S POV*

I stopped putting my stuffs into my duffel bag when I heard my phone vibrating on the nightstand where I last left it, followed by the familiar ringtone of Blink 182’s What’s My Age Again. And eventhough I knew exactly what it was, which was neither a text nor a phone call, I still involuntarily smiled at that and picked up my phone. I was instantly greeted with my favorite wallpaper, the picture of Maddie and me in Jeju Island from way back when we were 14 during our summer holiday. She was joining me and my family on that trip and I remembered that Jiwon was the one taking that picture. Maddie and me initially posed normally, smile on our faces with the peace signs on both our hands, all that jazz. But Jiwon kept complaining that we looked boring and even refused to take our picture if we continued posing like a pair of ‘dull old geezers’. Those were my sister’s words, not mine. Although I did have a strong suspicion that Maddie taught my sister that. I mean, seriously, those words weren’t exactly the words that an 11-year-old would know. But then we went with what my sister wanted and started making all sorts of weird faces for the camera, which made my sister cackled happily and finally took our picture. For this particular picture that I was staring at, Maddie was puckering up to the camera and purposely doing a cross-eye while I stuck my tonge out and scrunching my nose at the same time. Needless to say, we both looked crazy. But to be honest, even when she was making all those crazy faces, I still thought of Maddie as… beautiful. She’s beautiful in her own way, in all the ways that other people probably couldn’t even understand.

The smile on my face only grew wider when I read the note that went along with the alarm. Exactly one week from now would be Maddie’s 23^rd birthday. And that was also one of the reasons why that particular Blink 182 song was the alarm for it. Maddie was always amused at the line ‘nobody likes you when you’re 23’ in that song so on her 22^nd birthday, she requested that song to be the theme of her birthday this year. It was just a little thing we do for each other whenever one of us had a birthday, we would choose one song for the theme and the other just had to automatically have that song in our phones so that the alarm would ring at the same time on each other’s birthday. It was fortunate that Maddie’s birthday happen to fall on summer, so we could almost always be together on her birthday, watching excitedly as our phones rang together with the same alarm ringtone, and then I would hug her and congratulate her and gave her the present I had spent at least a good week trying to find. Not that we would need an alarm to remind us of each other’s birthday but… we had been doing that for a long time so it kinda stuck and it would be a little weird not to do it.

Although when it came to this particular birthday, I really didn’t know how it would turn out. Especially after that conversation I had with Eunhyuk the first day we got to Chengdu. It took me by surprise when he suddenly confronted me about my feelings for Maddie. I knew that I had been a little too obvious about my feelings sometimes and maybe that’s where Eunhyuk made his conclusion, I was just surprised that… well, Eunhyuk actually had the nerve to confront me about it. I had lied to Heechul hyung about my feelings, I had lied to Tiffany, and I had pretty much lied to everybody I knew, but when Eunhyuk was standing in front of me and asking me about things I knew the answer to…I somehow lost the ability to lie. I didn’t know he actually had it in him to say those things to my face, I didn’t know he actually loved Maddie that much to the point where he was risking our friendship over it. But I guess… I had been the one to push him to do that so in a way I couldn’t really blame him for trying to protect his relationship. At that time I could almost sense the fear in him, I could almost tell that he was afraid of losing Maddie so I sort of…tested him, see how he would respond and his last words surprised me more than anything. ‘I would do everything in my power to keep her’. I had no idea how he’d go about it.

                “Oppa, what are you thinking about?”

I nearly dropped my phone when I heard Tiffany’s voice and felt her wrap her arms around my waist from behind me. I quickly locked my phone and shoved it to the front pocket of my jeans. If Tiffany saw that wallpaper on my phone, she’d make a big deal out of it and I really didn’t want that to happen. I already had too many things to think about as it is.

                “Just…trying to remember if there’s anything I forgot.”

I said as I turned around to face her, putting on the best smile that I can manage on my face without looking like I had anything to hide when infact, well…I surely have lots of it. I began to feel guilt slowly gnawing my insides as Tiffany smiled back at me, looking like she believed every single thing I said. She’s a nice girl, I knew she was, I didn’t start dating her for nothing and she just didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve those times I spent holding her in my arms and kissing her, when all I could think about was how much I wished Maddie was the one I was holding and kissing instead. One of these days, I knew I would have to be honest with her and maybe even… ended things with her even when I had no idea how things would be between Maddie and I. I honestly just…couldn’t take it anymore. Just as I was thinking about it, it happened again. Tiffany rested her head on my chest and tightened her arms around me and just like millions of times before, all I could think of was how Maddie used to hold me like that too.

                “You’re thinking too much, like always. You’ll get old really quick, oppa.”

She looked up at me, smiling as she did before with those sparks in her eyes that were always there every time she smiled. It reminded me about what made me fall in love with her in the beginning. When she smiled, it’s like her whole face lit up and I remembered that I had been blinded by that light for a long time in the most wonderful way. These days though, if you asked me if she still had that effect on me, I’d answer with a no. It wasn’t like I didn’t try, God knows that for the first few days after I realized I was also in love with Maddie I had tried pretty much everything to bring back that excitement I always felt when I was with her but it was all in vain. Maddie was all I could think about.

                “Babe, I’m just gonna go and check on the guys, kay?”

I knew she felt it, I knew that she must have realized that I was just looking for reasons to be away from her for awhile and I knew that it most likely had hurt her but I couldn’t fake it much longer. As I let go of Tiffany and went out of the room, I made a promise to myself that I really had to end it with her as soon as possible. For now I just had to see Maddie, I just needed that feeling of peace that I knew only Maddie could provide. At this time of day, when everybody’s probably packing all of their belongings cause we were leaving Chengdu soon, I was pretty sure that Maddie would be alone. Actually, when I said that I knew Maddie would be alone, the main point was that it meant Eunhyuk wouldn’t be around. I just didn’t have enough energy to face him. Sure enough, when I reached Maddie’s room, she was the only one there. A smile formed on my face when I saw her. It was just a mere sight of her tattooed back yet it already made me smile. It was partially because I remembered that I was there, holding her hand as she was getting it done. It was her very first tattoo, the writing of the phrase ‘per angusta ad augusta’, which was latin for ‘from trials to triumph’. It meant a lot for her cause she had it done on the first anniversary of her being free of the panic attacks. It was nearly four years ago yet it felt like it was just yesterday. She didn’t even realize that I was there so I decided to play around a little. I walked towards her, making sure that I wasn’t making any sound before I put both arms around her.

                “How’s the soon-to-be birthday girl doing?”

                “Holy !”

I laughed as Maddie said that, reacting exactly like what I had in mind which was the usual parade of profanity. What I wasn’t expecting though, was when she looked noticeably uncomfortable and quickly pulled away from the backhug I had her in. I just instantly knew that something just wasn’t right because Maddie didn’t usually act like this with me.

                “ing hell Nate, what did you do that for?”

Just another reason for me to be suspecting that something was up, she never EVER used that kinda tone with me. Yes she cursed a lot and that was something that I had gotten used to but this tone of voice… it was like she was truly annoyed by what I just did.

                “Maddie, I was just messing around, what’s wrong with you?”

                “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

I was having a hard time trying to believe her when she said that cause she didn’t even look at me in the eyes. Instead she walked away from me and started collecting random stuffs from around the room, stuffing them inside her backpack and pretty much treated me like I was just a decoration on the ceiling, or something. The mental alarm in my head had been ringing like crazy, telling me that something was definitely wrong. This wasn’t my Maddie. I walked over to her again and put my hands on her shoulders, nearly forcing her to turn around and face me. And for once in my life, I couldn’t guess what the look on her face meant.

                “Maddie, you know better than to think that I would just believe what you said before.”

She sighed and closed her eyes for a second before finally looking at me for the first time since I got here. Even then, the look in her eyes was still so foreign.

                “I’m just… I’m not comfortable with you getting all touchy feely with me, okay?”

I furrowed my eyebrows at her answer, still not quite believing it. All those little physical contacts between Maddie and I weren’t something out of the ordinary and even though I had to admit that lately I had been doing that for a totally different reason, I was still surprised that she actually made a big deal out of it.

“And you’re objecting to that only now after we’ve been best friends for 16 years and doing pretty much the same things is because…”

“I can catch the sarcasm in that, Nate, and I don’t like that.”

“Well, you’re not making this any easier on me, Maddie. I ask you one thing and you totally ignore my question.”

“I already answered your question, I told you I’m not comfortable with certain things you do.”

“We both know that’s not what this is all about, right?”

It really did scare me to see Maddie acting that way towards me, so I really was determined to get to the bottom of this. I sensed that she didn’t wanna talk further about this and normally I would be happy to let it slide but this… this was too big for me to let go. Deep inside I just knew that whatever Maddie was thinking or feeling when she did that was far more significant than she made it out to be. When she averted her eyes away from me once again, let out another sigh and sat on the bed with her head hung low, I knew I was right. I took a seat beside her and took her hand in mine.

                “Maddie, what is it?”

What happened after I asked her that made me feel like I literally wanted the ground to swallow me whole, or something. She… pulled her hand away from my grasp, as if my touch was something hazardous for her to feel.

                “We can’t keep doing this, Nate. Things are different now and we have to adjust.”

                “What are you… I don’t understand any of the things you just said.”

She looked up and turned her head towards me, and I instantly disliked the torn look on her face.

“We’re no longer just Nate and Maddie, the best friends from god knows when. Now, you’re Siwon, Tiffany’s boyfriend, and I’m Hyukjae’s girlfriend Alice, we both have feelings to take care of other than each other’s. So you see how different that is, right? It’s not just us now in this little world we’re in, Nate, they’re in there too.”

“So that’s what this is all about? You do realize that even if we’re dating someone it doesn’t change what we initially are, right? Maddie, sweetie, I don’t wanna have you acting like a stranger just because of that.”

“There you go again, Nate. Stop that! No normal friends call each other with those… those pet names you just called me with, no normal friends are as touchy feely as us, no normal friends are ridiculously close that it causes a strain in a relationship they’re trying to have with someone.”

As soon as she said that last part, I knew what had caused all of this.

“Maddie, what happened between me and Tiffany has nothing to do with you and us. Now let me ask you, does Eunhyuk put you up to this?”

“Oh god Nate, are you seriously that oblivious? Of course it has everything to do with me! If I were her I’d surely be acting the same way. And to answer your question, no, leave my boyfriend out of this.”

“So… is that how you’re going to talk to me from now on? Is that how you’re going to treat me?”

I had to admit, it hurt more than I though it would when Maddie said those things to me. And it wasn’t really me to give her such accusing questions but… I can’t stand the idea of her treating me like I was just any other guy friends she had. I loved her too much. She meant too much for me. Maddie bit her bottom lip as soon as I asked her that, almost like she was regretting what she said before.

“Nate, I… shouldn’t have said that. And no, I won’t start treating you or talking to you like that. It’s just… I really think we need to give each other some space. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll stop being your best friend, god no, that’ll never happen. No one can ever replace you, no one can do the things you’ve done for me…”

“Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye to me?”

“It’s not like that, but maybe on some level it is. We need to focus on our own lives for now, focus on our own relationships. Maybe it’s selfish for me to say this but… at the same time that I don’t want your relationship with Tiffany falters, I also don’t want the same thing to happen to me. Nate, you out of all people know that being with Hyukjae is the first, like, real relationship I’ve ever had in a long time and I… I love him. I can’t stand the thought of something breaking us apart.”

If I said earlier that hearing Maddie talking with that harsh tone with me had hurt me, then I surely didn’t know , because this hurt even more than that. Try picturing it yourself, try loving someone so hopelessly and hearing from her directly that she’s going to deliberately distance herself from you because she loved the guy that she’d only been with for a mere month, the guy who used to be one of your best friends, and the guy that you didn’t trust her with. , right?

“Maddie, how are you expecting me to do that? You’re practically telling me to care about you less, to love you less. How are we going to go about it anyway? Do you want me to stop talking to you, or something?”

“No, not like that. Oh god, I don’t know how we’re going to do this…”

“Then don’t! Maddie, are you seriously telling me that you’re going to throw away the past 16 years for someone you’ve only been with for a month?”

“Nate, don’t go there. Please, you know that’s not what I mean. I care about you, and at the same time I care about Hyukkie but… it’s different now. If you care about me at all, just… please try and go along with this, Nate.”

I honestly couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t listen to anything that she was about to say after that. So I stood up from the bed, half-hoping that she would stop me or telling me that she made a mistake and that she shouldn’t have said that… but she didn’t.

                “Fine, I’ll do what you want for now. But that’s only cause I love you.”

And even as I was telling her this, I knew that something else was behind all of this, or rather someone else. I was suspecting Eunhyuk had something to do with it. Eventhough Maddie denied it, my gut feeling was still telling me not to trust her completely on that. So… is this how you wanted to play it, Hyuk? Is this what you mean by doing everything in your power to keep her?

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So um...yeah, I actually updated this a few days ago but then the crash happened and there was the mass deletions of updates. >.< So sorry for taking such a long- time to update. See, other than my thesis which is taking up almost all parts of my life. I'm kinda caught up in EunHae lala-land so most of the ideas I had went there. If you're into EunHae you can check them out. :D

Anyways, thanks for sticking with me and Alice and putting up with my ty updating skills. xD Thanks to all the readers, subscribers and commenters. *hugs*