*ALICE’S POV*

My second night at Chengdu, and I somehow got stuck in a gym that was transformed into a dance studio, just for the fact that it was the only room that had that many mirrors. And with this statement of course came that mild ‘what the was she doing there?’ moment for all of you who knew me because, well, I got two left feet, of course not literally but I might as well have by how awful my dance ability was. Plus, I got a ty balance too so yeah, it was easy to assume that I wasn’t born to be a dancer AT ALL. But… I happened to have a boyfriend and a close friend who were dancers, so you could begin to understand why I was there, right? I was sitting on that thing with the small chair that people used to train their biceps and stuff, I didn’t know what it was called. Why yes, aside from the fact that I wasn’t a dancer, I was also oblivious about the whole gym equipment thingy. Unlike my boyfriend who could answer that kinda question in a heartbeat. Hhhh, why did he have to be so perfect and knew everything and could do everything while I was... well, me? Enough about that sort of pathetic question, though and let’s get back to why I was at that gym slash dance studio. Me, Hyukkie and Hae just got back from walking around Chengdu when suddenly those two had some ideas for their dance routine and they just HAD TO practice right away. That was two hours ago and as amused as I was with my camera at the first hour, capturing those awesome frames I knew I’d get every time I’m photographing these two, I got suddenly bored at the second hour.

I wanted to leave since like, half an hour ago but Hyukkie just flat out demanded for me to stay put cause he said that he and Hae would finish ‘in just a minute’ and that if I left to go to my room first I would just fall asleep right away and we wouldn’t be able to talk or do ‘anything else’ until the next morning which he didn’t want to happen cause it’s our honeymoon. I would like to point out three things about Hyukkie’s statement. One, his ‘just a minute’ turned out to be an hour or so and I DID NOT appreciate that. Two, I didn’t know why he kept insisting that this trip to Chengdu was our honeymoon when honestly, I spent pretty much every day and every night with him… plus nine of his bandmates… plus all the crews… plus all the managers. So yeah, I could hardly call this a honeymoon. And three, I knew exactly what he meant by ‘antyhing else’ was, which would be us putting on a movie but ended up busy making out instead of actually watching the movie. Not that I would complain but I was getting pretty tired of lying about how kick- (for action movies) and how heart-breaking (for drama movies) the ending of the movie was everytime I returned the DVD to Shindong, who had been the provider of those DVD’s Hyukkie and I borrowed. Um… about those make out sessions, well… I was still surprised at how easily I adjusted to it, and how I was beginning to think that… those would lead to something more.

Ever since we made up, I had admitted to myself that I had fallen for Hyukkie. I had fallen fast, I had fallen hard. I loved him. I loved waking up beside him every morning, I loved how with just one smile he could make me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world, I loved how he always instinctively took my hand in his everytime we went somewhere together, and among other things, I loved how he loved me. This led me to feel like I wanted to TRULY be with him, to just let my armor down along with everything that I had built to protect myself, to completely let go of my fears because it had been doing me no good by keeping it, to be really one with him whether it be emotionally… or physically. In short, this was the first time that I ever considered of… actually sleeping with someone. Or in this case, it was Hyukkie. I didn’t know what triggered me to think this way but ever since that night where he told me that the decision was only mine, that we would eventually get there when I was ready, it was almost like I had my mind half-set into thinking… Hyukkie should be my first. I had known him pretty much throughout my teenager years and more after that, I knew what kinda guy he was, so… I guess it wouldn’t come as a surprise that I trust myself with him, that I knew he wouldn’t take it so lightly knowing that I wanted him to be my first. Plus, yeah, the between us could be cut with a knife sometimes, even though so far Hyukkie had shown me nothing but an amazing self-control. He stayed true to his words when he said that the decision of us having was mine and he always, ALWAYS managed to stop whenever things get too intense.

Weirdly enough, this led me to another different debate. I knew that this was love, I knew that all those weird yet pleasant tingling sensations every time I heard Hyukkie saying he loved me and every time I said it back to him meant that it was love, I knew that thinking about giving myself up completely to Hyukkie was love. Then what the hell was I feeling towards Nate for my whole life? I suddenly found myself incapable of differentiating the two cause, well… Nate never told me he loved me the way Hyukkie did. Nate never… kissed me the way Hyukkie did. Scratch that, he never kissed me, period. I shook my head swiftly when suddenly mental images of Nate actually kissing me started presenting themselves in my head. It felt wrong. Although I couldn’t explain to which extent, it still felt wrong. Nevermind that I felt my heart faintly skipped a beat when I thought of that, it was still wrong.

“You’re really that bored, huh?”

I came out of my ‘sleeping with my eyes open’ state when I found Hyukkie down on both knees in front of me, with his arms on both sides of my thighs and eyes looking at me curiously.

“Oh, did me sitting here staring into space with my mouth half open gave it away?”

I laughed a little as Hyukkie rolled his eyes at what I said, blatanly telling me that he didn’t appreciate my obvious sarcasm. What could he expect, anyway? Sarcasm was my middle name.

“Do you always have to be this sarcastic?”

Now how could I say anything more when he brought along his deadly weapon along as he said that? Yes, it was the pout. And Lord knows I had a soft spot for that little thing so yeah, of course I gave in. I was a complete fool for this guy, I really didn’t stand a chance against that pout. So I cupped his face with both my hands and kissed the tip of his nose.

“Yours truly, yeobo.”

“You know, I really don’t know whether I should feel giddy that you started calling me that or I should be kinda pissed cause you basically said you’re just that sarcastic and there’s nothing I can do about it?”

But even as Hyukkie said that, the grin never left his face so yeah, I could confidently say that he was giddy rather than pissed off. I started calling him that a couple days ago when I was talking to Nate’s sister Jiwon on the phone and she taught me that word. Jiwon was the closest thing I had to a sister and she was just the sweetest girl I had ever met. Well, the fact that we grew up together also added to me thinking she’s the sweetest but still, compared to the girls I found here, Jiwon was undoubtedly an angel. Anyway, I still couldn’t forget the dorky grin Hyukkie had on his face the first time I called him that so… I could safely say that the nickname ‘yeobo’ would stick around for quite awhile.

“You can make it into anything you want, yeobo, but you’re right about me being bored, though. I just wanna go back to the room and lay back, I won’t fall asleep. Pleaaaase?”

If he could pull that pout off as a weapon, he surely couldn’t blame me for whipping out the puppy-dog eyes as a counter-attack, right? But then he laughed so… I wasn’t really sure about it being a counter-attack. Ah, such a fail.

“Okay, fine, run along now little girl. Oppa will be there soon so we can cuddle again.”

“Eeewww! Hyukkie, you sound like a in… e!”

The three of us then blew up laughing at what Hyukkie said. You couldn’t really blame me, right? I mean, he DID sound like a e. So then I finally started making my way out of the gym, before making Donghae swore that he would keep an eye on my boyfriend and not letting him so much as look at little girls the wrong way. Quite frankly, after what he said, I was concerned. The only response I got from that was Hyukkie throwing his sweaty towel at me. Yep, that’s what my lovely boyfriend did. Sometimes I really thought that he hadn’t quite seen me as Alice Yoon, his girlfriend. Maybe it was more like Alice Yoon, his band mate’s best friend slash that girl with the dirty mouth who talked too much. Anyways, I quickly walked towards the elevator and pushed the button, planning to take a snooze once I got to the room. Hyukkie wouldn’t even know that I broke my promise and I was pretty sure I’d wake up once he got to the room. Then suddenly my bladder decided to react quicker than the elevator, which was taking its pretty in sweet time coming to the floor I was at, so of course I had to go with what my bladder wanted. Peeing in front of an elevator in a five-star hotel just wasn’t a pretty picture.

 I went to the nearest toilet and quickly got into one of the booth there. Then I really thought I was gonna have a heart attack when I got out of the booth and I heard someone sobbing. But my common sense quickly took over as I realized that another booth other than the one I was using was closed, which meant someone else was there too. I was just about to leave the toilet and mind my own business but the sobbing continued and I just… didn’t have the heart to leave. Whoever that girl was, she sounded so miserable and I suddenly had the urge to at least show some kinda compassion to that girl, she must’ve had a tough time. So I braced myself and walked towards the booth the sobs were coming from, before knocking on the door softly.

“Uh… excuse me, are you okay in there?”

Stupid question, I know, but what did you expect me to say? I’m no Freud.

“Apparently no, since I’m crying loud enough that even you could hear me.”

I froze there for a second. Yes, the girl was crying and sniffling and I was pretty sure that her nose was also clogged but I could recognize who that voice belonged to. And before I even had the time to react, the door to that booth opened and I came face to face with Tiffany. That’s when I became totally speechless. She looked equally surprised to see me and her facial expression turned from being friendly to that of someone who just found a pile of trash, or something. I hated to admit it but that’s how this girl always made me feel, like I wasn’t even good enough to live.

“Out of all people, why does it have to be you who find me like this?”

Tiffany walked out of the booth towards the washbasin, making sure that she bumped onto my shoulder as she walked away. But something was different. Yes, the words that came out of and her actions were as piercing as they could get but… the look on her face, I recognized that look. Because that’s how I used to look like… ever since I knew Nate had started dating Tiffany. I could identify that look of defeat from a mile away.

“Don’t you have anywhere else to go?”

Normally, I would take that as a cue to leave, because there was no way in hell I would stay longer than five minutes in close proximity with this girl. But something was holding me back. I didn’t know what it was yet it was enough to make me stay there, rooted to the spot I was standing at. Tiffany stood with her back facing me, but I could still see her face clearly on the mirror above the washbasin.

“What are you doing here, crying all alone?”

I even surprised myself when I asked her that. One part of my brain was cursing me for blurting out that question but the other one was far too curious, far too dominant.

“What makes you think I’ll tell you, out of all people?”

Tiffany turned around and leaned on the edge of the washbasin, crossing her arms over her chest, staring challengingly at me. But somehow I could look past that, I could tell she was just putting up a front.

“Because I think… you got nowhere else to go, otherwise you wouldn’t be here all alone.”

I seemed to have hit a nerve when I said that. I didn’t even know where that came from but suddenly it became clear. And by the look on her face, I had given her the right answer. Her expression changed, it had become somewhat softer, an expression that she NEVER had every time she was facing me.

“Why are you so difficult to shake off, Alice? I had insulted you, I had tried to belittle you in any way I could, but why are you still here?”

“If you’re talking about Nate, then I think we’ve gone through this before. No matter what you do, I can’t just abandon him just because you want me to. He’s… not just my best friend, he means a lot more.”

“So that’s why you think it’s okay to still be in love with him when he’s in a relationship and you have a relationship of your own? I think I’ve told you before, I had long figured out that you’re in love with Siwon. I had figured that out the first time I saw you.”

At that point, I honestly regretted why I didn’t just walk away and leave her there. I didn’t like this feeling at all; I didn’t like how it seemed like this girl could see right through me, just as I did with her earlier.

“How can you be so sure?”

Tiffany scoffed as she heard my question, and the way my voice trembled when I said that.

“Alice, just because you spent all your time with the guys doesn’t mean you’re one of them. You’re still a girl after all and so am I, I know a lovesick fool when I see one. I know I’m looking at one right now, you too are looking at one.”

Did… she just admit what I think she did?

“Tiffany, I might be that way in the past but… I’m with Hyukkie now and I love him. I had let that part of myself go, along with any kind of non platonic feelings I had for Nate. It’s not fair to Hyukkie if I still keep them around.”

“Okay, fine, let’s say you’re completely in love with Eunhyuk oppa now or maybe you’re just fooling yourself to believe that, I don’t know which one’s true. But if you can say that, then you can understand how I feel, right? To be in love with someone so much that it hurts, and when you finally have him you realized that you’ll always be put in second place because the guy you’re madly in love with is just… too attached to someone else that it’s even hard for you to be the center of his world.”

No way, this couldn’t be happening. Was this girl jealous or something?

“If… this is about your paranoia of Nate feeling more than friendly love towards me, you really shouldn’t be worried about anything, there’s no way in hell Nate had THAT kinda feelings towards me. He’s my best friend, and that’s who I am to him and it’ll stay that way.”

“Of course I know that, Alice. What makes you think that he even felt that way towards you? That’s not the point I’m trying to make here. You said before that you love Eunhyuk oppa, right?”

I was confused. I had no idea where Tiffany was taking this conversation too. And truth be told, I was surprised that we could hold this conversation this long without trying to kill each other. What was gonna happen?

“I… believe I’ve told you that I do love him.”

“Okay, let’s say you do. And as much as you like to put on the act of the innocent little girl, I know you’re still just like any other girl, just like me even and you would hate to know that you’re not the main priority of Eunhyuk oppa’s life. You know he’s close with Hyoyeon, right? And don’t think I didn’t know how pissed off you get when you see them together, that’s why I can come up with this conclusion at the first place. What little jealousy you feel whenever you see them together, that’s just a fraction of how I feel every time I see you around my boyfriend.”

My heart began beating rapidly as I finally realized where this conversation was going. Tiffany… was forcing me to put myself in her shoes, to see things from her perspective. And honestly, what I was seeing scared me so much.

“Imagine this, Alice, imagine seeing Eunhyuk oppa in the exact same position as I saw you with Siwon a while ago. Imagine how Hyoyeon was sitting on Eunhyuk oppa’s lap and he was holding her close, kissing her cheek tenderly. Imagine how you love Eunhyuk oppa so much, that he’s the only one you could see and feel those things to, that he’s the only one you’d give up everything for but… all he could give you was what little attention he had left because he used it up so much on Hyoyeon. Imagine all those things happening to you, Alice, and you will see. You will see why I hate you so much that all I wanted was to see you off and die just so I can have Siwon’s love and attention as a whole just like I deserve it! And one more thing, if things are going so great between you and Eunhyuk oppa, then you surely don’t want him to know what are his girlfriend’s hidden feelings towards her best friend, right?”

Then she stormed out of that toilet, leaving me to sort out my messed up mind. I didn’t want her to get to me, I didn’t want her blatant threat to influence me in any kind of way, I didn’t want her to feel that she would scare me away from being with my own damn best friend. But even as I was searching for a million different reasons not to give in to her taunts, I found myself admitting the truth in Tiffany’s words. I remembered exactly how mad I was that night when I saw Hyukkie with Hyoyeon in the midst of our fight. How I thought that he completely disregarded my feelings when he didn’t even reply to a simple text I sent him because he was with Hyoyeon. I did what Tiffany wanted me to do, I imagined all those things she said actually happening to me and all I could feel was fear. Fear of losing Hyukkie, fear of not having his love and attention directed at me. To be honest, Tiffany had attacked me where it hurt the most… my insecurities. I began putting things piece by piece and came to an awful realization. That’s why Nate and Tiffany fought so much these days, that’s why Nate looked so stressed out all the time… it was because of me. I came between the relationship they had just because I was too afraid to lose Nate’s attention. It was all my fault. Oh God, did I really have to let Nate go to this point? Did I really have to completely alienate him for things to be better again? Did I really have to learn to live without Nate in every aspect of my life? Could I do that? I had spent the majority of my life with Nate. He stood by me throughout everything, caring about me when he could just simply walk away yet he didn’t. We were so intricately connected that a mere thought of not having him in my life terrified me. I didn’t know how life was without Nate.

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*EUNHYUK’S POV*

I got out of the elevator and bid good night to Hae before walking back to my own room. Well, actually it’s Alice’s room but since I had been staying with her every night, technically it made it my room too. I didn’t even bother to put my suitcase in the room assigned to me with Heechul hyung nowadays, I’d just go straight to Alice’s room and dump everything there. It really felt like Alice and I were living together, or something. Which actually… come to think of it, wouldn’t be shabby at all. I grinned as I thought of how waking up beside her had become something essential for me lately. How this happened in just a little over a month, I didn’t know. All I knew was when we were fighting and I had to go back to the initial room arrangement with Heechul hyung, I spent almost the entire night awake. Maybe the fact that we were fighting kinda added to me not being able to sleep but really, it was mostly because Alice wasn’t beside me. I couldn’t even begin to think how things would be like if this summer ended and she would have to go back to the States. She told me once that after this summer it would be her last year at school and that she most likely would permanently stay in Seoul once her school was done. But that was still a good nine months away. And thinking about nine whole months of being away from her was… well, it . It annoyed me so much to think that in those nine long months the closest I could get to her was through the phone or Skype or something. How could that be enough?

As I got to the door of my room, I pushed the keycard in and was fully expecting Alice to be already on the bed, fast asleep. Yeah, as much as she promised to stay awake and wait for me I knew that girl would go straight to bed the moment she reached the room. She’s a really crappy liar sometimes. But as I got inside the room, I was surprised to see that all the lights were still on and Alice was sitting on the carpeted floor in front of the bed, facing the TV. I cringed as I realized that the whole room reeked of cigarette smoke. Oh God, please don’t tell me she relapsed yet again. As I took a step closer to where Alice was sitting on, sure enough, I saw her holding a cigarette between her slender fingers.

“Jagiya, why are you smoking again? You know the doctor told you to stop.”

She turned her head around to look at me after I said that, as if she was surprised to see me there. She didn’t even realize that I got in, huh? But as I looked at her face closely I noticed the tear tracks on both her cheeks.

“Jagiya, what’s wrong?”

She didn’t answer me when I asked her that. And she still didn’t say anything when I sat beside her and pulled her into my arms, instead she started crying again. To say that I was worried at that moment was an understatement. I was beyond freaked out. I mean, how would you feel to find your girlfriend crying and even relapsing back into an old habit when she was fine just moments before? I figured that I shouldn’t say anything further and just let her cry. As much as I hated seeing her cry, she probably just needed to let it all out. So I just held her tightly in my arms, showering her head with soft kisses, just… anything to eventually stop her tears.

“I’m scared, Hyukkie.”

Her voice was so weak when she said that. And I was even more worried, what could’ve happened to make her like this?

“What are you scared of?”

“I’m scared that I’m gonna lose Nate. And I’m scared to know that it’s the only way to make everything better.”

“Lose Siwon? Jagiya, I… I don’t understand. Please, tell me what happened.”

Then Alice told me everything about the encounter with Tiffany. And I knew that it would sound pretty -ish of me to think that way but as I heard it, I saw a way to keep Siwon from messing around with my relationship with Alice… to make Alice herself push him away. From what she told me, she was almost set on completely separating herself from Siwon because she thought that was the only thing left for her to do to salvage Siwon’s relationship with Tiffany. I had to say that Tiffany had done quite a number on Alice by making her as the reason why she acted the way she did and for putting the blame on Alice for her messed up relationship with Siwon. I said this because I knew that now Alice was blaming herself for the crack in Siwon and Tiffany’s relationship. She probably didn’t say this word by word but… I just knew that’s what she would naturally feel. I hate to say this but I knew this was true; when it came to Siwon, Alice just wasn’t the tough-talking girl with the devil-may-care attitude. She was surprisingly… gentle. I understood this, Siwon was there for her during the toughest times of her life and she cared a great deal about him, which was probably why to Alice it was important to see him happy with her relationship with Tiffany.

I wanted so bad to tell Alice that this wasn’t her fault, that Tiffany and Siwon’s relationship was faltering because he was in love her and Tiffany suspected it and was doing everything she could to save their relationship. But I couldn’t find it in me to tell her that. As much as I knew Alice loved me, judging by the look in her eyes every time she looked at me and the number of times she whispered those words to me when she thought I was already asleep, I couldn’t let her know that her best friend was trying to steal her away from me cause he had fallen in love with her. I just… couldn’t. I didn’t wanna lose this girl to Siwon or to anyone, for that matter. No, she’s far too precious. And even though a major part of me hated it so much to see her being this way just from the thought of no longer having Siwon in her life, given the circumstances, this was probably the way it was supposed to go. The only question now was… would I have the heart to do this to her for the sake of our relationship?

“Hyukkie, what do you think I should do?”

And there it was, the question I dreaded so much. I didn’t know how to answer it right away, this ongoing battle inside me still hadn’t decided whether I should save her from being devastated when she no longer had Siwon in her life, or to just let her do that so that Siwon would run out of ways to screw things up between me and Alice. How could I answer her question when I was asking myself the very same question? Her eyes were hopeful when she looked at me, almost like she was convinced that I would have the best solution for something that she was at a dead-end with. This look didn’t come often. I knew for a fact that she was so used to do everything by herself that she hardly asked for help. So when she did, that meant that she just couldn’t pull it together enough to be independent. Jagiya, I want you to still be happy, but I didn’t want him to be in your life cause I’m scared that he’d take you away from me. That’s what I wanted to tell her. But what happened next was me pulling her closer into my arms, kissed her forehead and said…

“Do you think you could live without Siwon?”

The look in her eyes told me that she couldn’t. The slight quiver on her lips told me that it was the ending that she would rather not have. In all honesty, even at that moment I had already known that there was no way she would be okay without Siwon, without her best friend. But all I could think of when it came to Siwon now was… the man who used to be my friend and was trying to with my relationship.

“I guess… I’m gonna have to try. That’s the least I can do so… Nate could be happy again. They’d just… keep on fighting if I continue to hang around Nate.”

Even I could tell that she wasn’t sure and that she almost seemed like she was waiting for me to correct her or do anything to negate what she just said. But I just sat there, not saying anything.

“Jagiya, are you sure?”

In the end I just had to throw that in, probably the littlest thing I could do but I really just couldn’t be there and pretty much let her did that. Even though deep inside… what I wanted was for her not to stop doing so.

“I… that’s the only thing left for me to do, Hyukkie.”

She didn’t even answer my question. Oh god, Hyukjae, stop her. Stop her. Stop her.

“If that’s what you wanna do then go ahead. I’ll just… be here for you, okay?”

And that’s what came out instead, despite my conscience yelling at me to do the exact opposite.

“You’ll help me whenever things get too much, right?”

“You don’t even have to ask.”

As she smiled at me, looking genuinely thankful that I had said that, it felt an awful lot like I was about to take the wrong decision by not stopping her going through with her plan of separating herself from Siwon. But… maybe the possessive side of me took more control that night. People knew that I, Lee Hyukjae, was the territorial boyfriend. And honestly, Siwon out of all people should know that. Alice stood up from the floor and pulled me up by the hand, already looking so much better after we had that talk. Even though I could see that she was still thinking about a lot of things in her head. She’d always been like that, thinking and analyzing and reanalyzing everything before doing something. For her, everything that she did have to have a clear and solid reason behind it. And that’s one of the things that made me fall for her, because that way I’d know that everything she said and did actually meant something.

Alice pulled me by the hand towards the bed, silently telling me that she decided to call it a day and just went to bed, and I didn’t protest. It had been a long night, and all I wanted was to get under the covers and sleep the night away… with my girlfriend in my arms. That was enough. I took my shoes and hoodie off, thanking the fact that I had showered and changed into something comfortable before I got here, and crawled under the covers towards Alice, who had already turned out the lights and was lying there waiting for me to join her. She snuggled up to my chest as I soon as I pulled the covers up over us, and I put my arms around her to keep her there the entire night. I heard her let out a sigh as I gently kissed the top of her head, she was well on her way to completely falling asleep. This night had been emotionally draining for her, I wouldn’t even blame her for instantly losing consciousness the moment her head landed on the pillow.

“Good night, yeobo. I love you.”

“I love you more.”

Her lips curled into a small smile after I said that, as she closed her eyes, letting the drowsiness of sleep took over her. That… was the first time she had ever done that, telling me she loved me before we went to bed. And I knew that it was partially because what I had promised her earlier, that I would help out whenever she couldn’t take it anymore… after she pulled herself away from Siwon, with her not knowing that I could’ve stopped her from doing so but wasn’t strong enough to actually do it. I’m sorry for what I did, jagiya. The only reason I did this was because I love you, and scared to lose you. I’m sorry, Siwon, I guess this was one of the things I had to do to make sure you wouldn’t take her away from me.

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Um... so yeah, I actually wasn't supposed to post this until a few days from now cause it actually has more parts to it than it has now so this chapter is shorter than what I normally posted. But then I realized if I put that part in this chapter it'll be too long and well... I don't think it's gonna be good. So... I hope this is okay. >.< I'm gonna quit rambling now. Thanks for all the readers, subscribers and commenters! Me and Alice loves you all! ^^