April 2009.

Things were going great. I was happy and the feeling of butterflies in my tummy felt amazing. My best friend since we were in first grade just confessed to me and asked me to be his girlfriend! Oh wait, I forgot to mention one important thing.

We are only in eighth grade.

I am young but in love.

I’ve always had a crush on him, but I guess he didn’t realize it until rumours spread around school about my tiny crush on him. Nothing else seemed to matter at that point. I had insomnia, staying awake just thinking about his smile, his cute dimples, the way he ruffles his fluffy hair when he is nervous. All I did for two nights in a row was just thinking of him, of us.

Would we last? Would we have a future? Would he still love me if I turn into someone not myself? Would he leave me for someone else?

I couldn’t think straight… he occupied my mind twenty-four-seven.

September 2009

Summer was over and now it’s back to school! I can’t wait to see him in person. Oh giddy me! It’s been two months since I last seen him and I’m missing him already. My parents don’t know that we are ‘dating’ as we kept it low-profile. During the summer, he would call me early in the morning to play games with him. When I finally convinced him to get messenger, we would talk for at least an hour through webcam. I met his cousin once, though I don’t remember his face. They were doing pretty ridiculous things on camera. Nonetheless, my boyfriend is cute.

But when school started, he ignored me on the first day. I greeted him and his mother, but I got nothing in reply from him, only a small smile from his mother. Crazy thoughts started running through my mind. What if his mother found out? What if he was giving me the silent treatment and treating it as a prank? What if he just didn’t hear me? But the following week, even when I found out we didn’t have the same homeroom teacher, he wouldn’t approach me nor talk to me. I was devastated. I thought he was feeling the same way as me-sad because we weren’t in the same class anymore.

But I was wrong.

Two weeks into school and he told a friend of ours to tell me we ‘need to talk’.

Ouch.

When we finally got the chance to talk, he told us we’re breaking up. He left. And we never talked again.

Double ouch.

I never understood the reason for why he just… left. Without another word spoken.

Triple ouch.

There were so many questions running through my mind. I was confused, lost, troubled, you name it. It hasn’t even been six months and we ended… just like that. I heard rumours from my second best friend about him cheating on me with this other girl, who I so happen to know. “He doesn’t deserve someone as nice as you!” she kept on telling me. Oh how right she was on that one. I’m just too nice and couldn’t even retort back to her statements. She was feeding me what everyone believed was the truth when I knew it was a lie.

Since then, I was never the same person again. No, don’t get me wrong! I didn’t plan any revenge on him or anything… but I was not the same cheerful person I once was. I was no longer naïve and vulnerable. The year of 2009/2010, I lost most of my friends and only one friend truly stuck by my side. I became isolated and independent.

I was just not the same as I used to be…

2011

High school officially started and now, I’m in my freshman year. Being a total newbie, I learned how to make new friends and got along pretty well with most of them. My classmates were nice most of the time, but some are just so snobby and -like that I couldn’t even stand being near them, although I did learn to tolerate their presence.

Comparing who I was from before to the person I am now, I have picked up a couple of vulgarities and enhanced my vocabulary. All those racist jokes still affected me, but I learned to just laugh along with others. Any ual jokes have become the most obscure thing ever – man can these people not grow up? Then again, if I thought clearly, this is how some people entertain themselves and their peers.

I started hanging out with girls rather than boys. A few of them, we have many things in common. As for those with the least, we greet each other, talk about school, and that’s pretty much it.

I was glad that the school was huge. This way, it won’t be too difficult and awkward, not to mention the tension in the atmosphere if I were to accidentally bump into my ex. We no longer had anything to do with each other and I am more than happy to acknowledge that. We pass by each other and no words were needed to be exchanged. We don’t even take a glimpse of each other or greet each other like we used to.

So, what’s the point? There is none.

I live my separate life while he enjoys his. I’m happy. He is probably happy. We are both happy.

But am I really happy deep down? That, even I don’t know… All I know is that I still miss him, my best friend.