Jaejoong’s Entry #1

Abandoned. The word I may describe to myself. The word that gives me this stinging sensation in my heart after you finally left me. Why? Why did you do that?

My regret. The feeling I have up to now. I’m the one to blame of what happened. I didn’t protect you, instead I let you suffer so much and it hurts me deeply. Not only because of the outcome but I had no authority to move away from my family. If only you knew what I had gone through…if only you knew.

I wanted to visit you in the hospital but my father prevented me. He told me he will kill our child if I disobey his orders. I’m sorry. I cannot do anything for that matter but to fight the urge to see you. I’m sorry I became weak.

I worked hard for our own family. Every injury his men gave me, I endured all of it because of you. You’re the reason why I keep on living. But why? Why did you leave?

Death is what you presented when I managed to escape from them and ran towards to where you are. But how come I saw your lifeless body on the ground covered with blood?

“Boa!” I remembered it all. I embraced you. Tears were falling. You’re cold, pale and gone. I was trembling with fear.

His men found me and dragged me away from you while I tried to break out from their grasps. One of them hit me hard on the head and I collapsed. I only wished for them to kill me.

But no.

I woke up in our room. The place with full of memories. Our memories and it stabbed me deeper. You often stayed quiet but I know you blamed me for giving you the kind of life you never desired. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

“Get up” My father enters and pulls me outside as I fall on the concrete floor. Many people are there, witnessing another humiliation of mine. He steps on my hand as I feel my bones going to break. “Didn’t I tell you not to violate me?!” He shouts and I start tearing once I saw my child in the corner being held by someone.

Why? Why am I so pathetic? I can’t even hold her in my arms.

“Good thing your worthless wife died at last” He throws me something and I bit my lip when I saw a familiar handwriting as I realize it was the diary I gave to you before.

“You better not do this anymore or else, I won’t hesitate to kill that kid” I glare at him, earning a hard smack on my face and a kick on my stomach. I lie there withholding the pain as they exited the scene one by one. I look at your belonging and I cry hard when I read the last words you had written.

I’m sorry Jaejoong…but I love you.