Child’s Entry

It’s been years. Twenty long years. Those two decades that I let myself be concealed with so much dishonesty. Embedded in the core of my emotions is the contemplation of whether to accept the past underlying facts or to withdraw of what I had known at this present time.

It was before that my hatred for you, whom my father addressed to be the only woman he ever treasured, is overflowing. I grew up with a single love coming from him, not even a tint of smile from his family, and an imaginary existence from you.

Do you know how long I keep on enduring these difficulties? Living in this unmasked cruelty and uncovering someone who can shield me is an impossible request to undertake. The only warmth a mother can commit to her daughter is nowhere to be achieved.

Boa. Even when I remember your simple name with no picture to see, there are certain things that had been exposed. But my mind is ripped into halves. It’s unclear from which side would I consider - my weak father or his authoritarian family?

Horrifying words were all I heard from them when they talked about you…about your personality, all of which that they can describe you…that you are insane for trying to kill your child. I wish to believe that they just detest you so much to be able to speak those remarks but I was devastated enough when my own father admitted that it’s the truth.

You’re my goddamn mother but how come you want to end my life? I really despised you during those past years I keep on surviving with adversity. But contradiction came through when the man we both love wanted me to suppress my negative thoughts about you…that you’re different from what I had imagined…that his family poisoned my mind for not considering you as any relative of mine.

Do you know how painfully tragic this is? I am embraced with this condition of slowly being massacred that in the beginning of time, you held responsible of…but where the hell are you when I needed you? You only thought of your own sake while forgetting about your family.

You don’t even have any reason to make things right since the damage you created only resulted to permanency. In my father’s heart. In your daughter’s heart.

I keep on wondering why his family is so ashamed of you. What happened during the time you were still alive? What’s the truth behind this great wall of mendacity?

I can no longer withstand this confusion anymore and being oblivious to the unselected facts. But where can I gather the real answers when two opposite views are handing me their sentiments? My will is to favor his family, enclosing with that decision is my strong disapproval of you being my mother but a certain someone always manage to pull me back and diverge me in another path of thoughts.

At loss with all the events manifesting in the circle of my life and affecting me a great deal, will I be able to persist whilst being envelop by tragedy?