Child’s Final Entry

I am here. Finally writing to apologize. I had read and fully understood your diary…the words you want me to hear and to take into consideration. I never knew, until that day that my father was hugging your notebook, how dreadful your life had been. Living with that monster, as what you acknowledged his father, is already one step near hell. No. Being with him will make you vanish from too much torment.

While my father was exploited until his body can’t take the hardships anymore as he was wounded in all aspects. I’ve heard before that that monster will kill me if his son will disobey him. You’re right. My father is so stupid to even believe him though half of it can be done according to that monster’s plan just like what he did in sabotaging your family.

My father took physical torture when I did something his father prohibited. He took all the pain that I should felt. I grew up with so much fear that I claimed my death to be given anytime that monster wants me out of his life.

It was as if I’m always locked in a small filthy and dark prison that when I managed to escape, it will be the greatest sin I’ve ever committed. I never enjoyed any single day because of the said reasons. I hate to admit but it’s like I’m just following your footsteps in the alley. I want to achieve freedom and not to lead my life dying with heavy weight in my heart.

Jaejoong. Your husband. My father. He was in too much pain just like you. But you never asked him. You just thought of yourself and that’s why I detest you. He was there all along, suffering so much but you didn’t know it because you never dared to consider his feelings. All the things you thought that were his lies, I tell you, it’s not. He loved you, more than a man can ever give but because you kept on hiding from reality, all his sacrifices were put into nothing.

He missed you so much. There’s no day he wouldn’t reminisced your moments together with him and it made me in anguish when I heard him crying at night. He was unable to move on for the mere thought that you already left him. He had so many plans but you selfishly decided to end your miserable life after you gave birth to me.

But I had no problems with the way he treated me. He loved me just like the way he did to you. He told me that I’m the only one left who can make him at ease because I came from you. My presence signifies your whole self.

I thought I can manage to live like that, being with my father and his family but my whole world fell down hard when I saw his lifeless body in your room. Full of blood, covering his body with your notebook in his arms. He finally took his own life. Until now, I’m still wondering that did his mind registered that I’m still alive? That he’s the only one I can depend on?

After his death, the agony made a triple impact to me. The monster we know is slowly suffocating my life until I only got few breaths to live. I ran away without carrying anything with me except for your diary that lies your hatred and solemnity. Discovering what was written at the back of it, I soon understood the whole picture. If only you can feel the emotions based on what he wrote, you will realize how your husband’s life turned upside down.

Now standing at the front of your graves, I swear that I will follow what you desired for me – to get out of this wretched life. I’ll start a new one with hopes and dreams that soon to be accomplished. I will not let myself stay longer in the alley for I know at the end, both of your invisible presence will welcome me and support my aspirations.

My mother. I will recognize your identity, even after all the things I assumed you to be. Because I know you didn’t want those circumstances to happen. You want me to live and love me in every possible way you can.

I know by calling you that, it will be worth it.