The Helpful Diversion
The Black Phoenix
*banner by edherei
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Seungri’s scar stretched as he smiled. It was weird seeing how he seemed so. . . not himself a while ago. There were dark shadows under his eyes, his face seemed thinner and there was a haunted look in his eyes but they all faded as he smiled at Sohee.
With a chuckle, he stepped in and walked past by me. I closed the door and faced them. I was greeted by the sight of Sohee and Seungri hugging each other, laughing lightly. I felt betrayed, somehow. Not just for myself but also for CL. My eyes darted to Jiyong but he wasn’t looking at me. He was staring at Sohee and Seungri with a look of slight disgust on his face.
“You should have told me earlier that you’re back” Seungri said as he pulled away from her.
“Sorry” I got preoccupied with some things” she grinned.
“Jiyong isn’t giving you a hard time, is he?”
Sohee rolled her eyes. “Do you really have to ask?”
“What are you doing here anyways, rat?” Jiyong asked.
“I called him” Sohee said.
“I’m moving in” Seungri added. “I’ll be studying here, too”
“That’s great! We’re schoolmates now!” I joined in but it’s as if I didn’t exist anymore.
“And where are your things?” Jiyong asked.
“Outside” he answered.
“And you didn’t bother bringing them in because. . .?”
“You’re such a prick, Jiyong” Sohee said, rolling her eyes. “Seungri obviously got excited in seeing me”
“Brat” Seungri snorted.
Sohee just laughed. “Have you eaten already?”
“Not yet” he answered. “I’ll go get my things first”
“I’ll get them!” I piped in. and even before they could say anything, I was already outside. I expected Seungri would come and help me but he didn’t so I dragged his luggage inside all by myself. When I was in, I found out they already went to the kitchen and started eating breakfast without waiting for me. Nobody even thought of inviting me to join them!
I stood on the entryway, staring at them as they chatted and laughed among themselves. I tried to search for the persistent and stubborn side of me but it didn’t come. I felt too exhausted that I just walked away. I went to change clothes and walked to school alone and with an empty stomach.
- - -
Everyone at school loves Sohee. Well, almost everyone. I, for one don’t feel anything close to that. And much to my delight, neither does Kevin. But he doesn’t hate her either way.
From being the most glared at, I’m now the most ignored. It’s as if I don’t exist AT ALL. Well, at least that’s what my classmates and other schoolmates made me feel. They were all fussing about Sohee, talking about her on and on, even what clothes she wore or wearing or about to wear. I don’t really care about all those things but it irks me everytime I hear her name. To make things worst, every short breaks, I always see her lounging everywhere – talking to Seungri and Jiyong.
I’ve watched them froma far. I admit I’m terribly jealous. Seungri’s always been. . . kind, friendly, flirty and playful with me but now, it’s as if Sohee’s the only girl that existed in the world. As for Jiyong, well, words won’t be enough to describe how hurt I am seeing him ignore me as if I didn’t exist. And his talk with Sohee this morning only made me feel worse. Of course I could always try and talk to him but I didn’t find it in me to do so. Maybe I just wanted to let his anger pass by, maybe I’m just too hurt and jealous to talk to him or maybe I’m just scared and tired of always wooing him.
I started feeling what I’ve always disliked feeling: that of being alone. And it only dawned on me when lunch break came. I know I won’t have the stomach to eat with Sohee or Jiyong or Seungri. And I can’t possibly join TOP and the siblings in their table, too. That only left me with one choice.
“Kevin?” I hesitantly came to him. “Do you mind if I. . . share the rooftop with you again?”
He smiled. “It’s not really my property, you know”
I managed a chuckle. “I’ll just go buy some foods from the-”
“Err. . .” he smiled sheepishly. “You can share with my food, I’ve got enough for two”
“Brilliant!”
“They’re just egg rolls, though” he said, blushing a little.
“With rice, I hope?”
“Of course” he answered.
“Definitely brilliant!” I grinned. Maybe this isn’t a bad day after all.
However, when we stepped out of the room, a group of tall, good-looking and intimidating guys greeted us. I recognized some of them as Jiyong’s classmates. Kevin and I were rooted to our spots since they were crowding around us.
“Excuse me” I mumbled, trying to break away from their circle. But nobody stepped aside or even moved to let us pass.
“She really is pretty up close” one of them said. “And surprisingly small, too”
My ears pricked. “Are you talking about me?”
“Of course” the guy smirked. “Unless you’re a HE and your friend’s a. . . SHE”
They all laughed.
“You look very much like a SHE to me” I mocked. They all stopped laughing. They guy’s eyes narrowed as he stepped forward.
“Siwon, don’t” one of them warned.
Siwon looked like he didn’t hear the warning but then, his posture relaxed. Then, he smirked. “Oh, so you’re one brave tiny little thing, aren’t you? Why? Is it because of your boyfriend? Do you expect him to always come to your rescue? You better start counting the days, tiny girl. He won’t be staying beside you that much longer”
“Boys, you’re not causing anyone trouble, are you?” Sohee’s voice suddenly came. They boys all turned their heads to the newcomer.
“Of course not” the one from my left answered.
“Good” she nodded. “You know very well how much I don’t like seeing any type of trouble in my school”
“You’re not very territorial, are you?” Seungri chuckled. He was standing beside Sohee and I mentally slapped myself for failing to notice his presence until this moment.
“Not really” Sohee smiled sweetly to no one in particular. “I just want everything to be smooth”
I had the urge to ask Seungri where Jiyong was but I stopped myself. For one, he didn’t even greet me. And well, he had his eyes fixed on Sohee.
“You’re not being a bossy brat again, are you Sohee?” TOP’s deep voice then joined in. He was walking in a casual and lazy way that I really find appealing towards us. I shook my head at this. He gave me one swift look before facing Sohee. He chuckled and messed her hair when she childishly pouted.
Unable to take the way TOP looked so adoringly at Sohee, I grabbed Kevin’s hand and started pulling him with me. I purposefully bumped into some of the boys and didn’t bother apologizing. I walked past by Sohee, Seungri and TOP without a word.
- - -
Kevin and I shared a friendly lunch. He didn’t ask questions. I liked that about him. We basically discussed about our subjects, nothing personal. I really don’t want to talk about anything related to my personal life right now.
“Ah. . .” I breathed. “It’s so peaceful here”
“Yes it is” he chuckled. “I’m actually surprised that you still went up here with me after what happened the last time we were here”
“I think we pretty much established that it was nobody’s fault?”
“Your boyfriend didn’t seem to think so” he mumbled quietly.
“He doesn’t trust people that easily” I dismissively said, refraining myself from saying that he doesn’t trust me that much, either. It seemed to me that Jiyong only trust a few people: his mother, Bom, Youngbae, Seungri, CL and much to my dismay, Sohee.
I closed my eyes and let the stolen silence envelope me. It seemed like everyone abandoned me already. I wonder if this is how Bom felt when I entered their lives: abandoned and alone. I tried to imagine the scene that would greet me later in the apartment. I don’t need to have a creative mind to conjure an image inside my head. They’ll probably just ignore me, act as if I didn’t exist. I actually felt rebellious about it. Impulsively, I tried to think of doing reckless things to get Jiyong’s attention back, even if it’s a hostile or angry attention.
I opened my eyes. “Kevin, do you still do the yoga thingy?”
“Of course, why?”
“I was just thinking of joining” I told him. I think it would be better to choose safe diversions than reckless ones. “What do I need to do or submit to join? And how much does it cost?”
“Oh, it’s for free!” he excitedly said. “You don’t have to submit anything, either. All you have to do is go to there side and tell them you want to join the club”
“Cool!” I returned with enough enthusiasm. “Can I go later with you?”
“Sure!” he smiled. “They’d be delighted to have a new member”
And he started telling me about the group.
- - -
I don’t have that much knowledge about yoga or meditation stuffs but I could tell Kevin’s group isn’t a traditional group. For one, they call themselves as the Group of Stress-Free Individuals or GOSFI. I thought it was pretty cool, actually. They usually hold their activities in a vast field not too deep in the southwest woods but far enough from the hazards brought about by vehicles. They also got tons of colorful outdoor mats to sit on.
I was introduced in a grand way that I momentarily acquired a stage fright. But when everyone seemed so happy to have me in the group, I relaxed. They’re so friendly, warm, accommodating and welcoming that I regretted not joining the group earlier.
The leader, a very friendly woman named Bang Min Ah, started the afternoon with a prayer. After that, she led the group into singing a slow, relaxing song that I aim to memorize as soon as I can. As I listened to them, I mentally noted to myself to ask Kevin to teach me the song. We then proceeded to relaxation exercises and the sort of empty-your-mind or shake-the-bad-vibes-off kind of thing. I struggled at first. Emptying the mind isn’t as easy as I thought it’d be. But Min Ah’s soothing voice helped me step by step. Slowly, I started to feel oddly. . . at peace and relaxed that I can’t help but smile.
And just as I was relishing at the peacefulness inside me, the session has finally ended. But before we parted ways, the group sang again. But this time, it was a happy and festive song that I found myself clapping and smiling genuinely, already eager to come back tomorrow. And as the song ended, I was asked to lead the closing prayer, to which I willingly accepted.
- - -
I was humming to the tune of the happy song when I arrived at the apartment. I went straight to the bedroom. I dropped my things at once corner and started taking my clothes off. I stepped into the bathroom and went into the shower stall at once.
The moment the water touched my skin, I closed my eyes and smiled. Somehow, I felt light, like a burden has been taken away from my shoulders. I really should have joined GOSFI earlier. It’s the right group for someone like me who has an unpredictable boyfriend. GOSFI’s just the right intervention and distraction from my chaotic mind and probably messy life.
As soon as I finished taking a shower, I put on a fresh pair of pajamas and went to the kitchen with bare feet. Sohee, Seungri and Jiyong were eating dinner already. I saw a spare plate besides Jiyong’s. “Good evening” I greeted them and went straight to the fridge. I took two apples and a box of milk out. Then, I went to wash the apples by the sink. I caught sight of something at one corner. I stared at the box for a moment before putting the box of mil down and fishing my phone out.
After a few rings, Kevin answered. “Hey”
“Hey, Kevin” I greeted back. “I was thinking of baking some cookies tomorrow for GOSFI. It’s not forbidden, is it?”
“Of course not!”
“Cool! And just so you know, I bake the best cookies in the world” I boasted, making him laugh. “Do you think three containers would be enough?”
He didn’t answer at once. “Make it five” he then said, laughing.
“Oh, alright” I smiled. “But would it be okay if you pick me up tomorrow here at my place? I can’t carry everything on my own”
“Sure, just tell me the address of your place”
“I’ll send you the details later” I said.
“All right”
“That would be all” I said. “See you tomorrow”
“See ya!”
After hanging up, I grabbed the box of mil and took a bite into one of the apples. I went to the living room, dropping myself on the sofa. I reached for the remote control and the television.
I straightened up when a body stood in front of me. I don’t have to look up to see who it was. I perfectly knew who the person was. I think I explored his body too many times that I’ve memorized every part of him already.
“You’re not going anywhere with that Kevin guy” he said through grinding teeth. I could just tell how much effort he was putting on to stop himself from hauling me up and shouting at me.
I was still feeling rebellious but I’m also giddy that he’s now finally talking to me again. But of course, I’m still hurt. I stood up and lifted my eyes to his. “Oh, so now you’ve noticed me” I said with all the sarcasm I could pull off. “Why don’t you just go on pretending that I don’t exist and I’ll act as if you don’t exist, either? Maybe that’ll make us more agreeable to each other”
That was my pride talking, of course. I didn’t really mean any of it. Duh?! I possibly can’t act like he doesn’t exist! He’s too noticeable for his own good. And how am I even going to act like he doesn’t exist when my heart always reacts violently and enthusiastically everytime he’s around?
His eyes narrowed for a moment but then, he took a step back. “Suit yourself”
“Oh yes, I will” I declared and marched off.
“!” I heard him hiss as I closed the bedroom door behind me. Not knowing why, but a smile curved my lips.
- - -
It’s been three days since I joined GOSFI. Jiyong’s pretty proud and stubborn because he kept to his act on ignoring me. And I was glad GOSFI’S there to divert my attention. I’ve been too dependent on Jiyong already. It’s about time to branch out. Me and Kevin have been hanging out for the past days. I’ve been avoiding TOP, either while Jiyong, Sohee and Seungri could always be seen talking to each other.
I tried to shake all the jealous energy off me. There were moments that I just wanted to pull Sohee’s hair off until she’s already bald. There were times that I just wanted to walk up to the three of them and throw a tantrum.
But I was able to get hold of myself. It’s surprising, actually. The more days I spend with GOSFI, the more I realized that Jiyong isn’t the center of the universe; that there’s still much greater room to expand and explore.
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Next Chapter >>> The Real Intentions
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