The pitter patter of water echoed against the tile as it crashed down. The hour long shower couldn’t manage to wash me of all the feelings I was experiencing nor the sins I had committed. 

I was officially at war with myself. 

My thoughts, my emotions, and my actions didn’t make sense anymore. 

They continued to clash and claw at each other and I was just the middle man caught in the fire.

I really hated the distance. It made my skin crawl with disgust yet I couldn’t get myself to make peace. Knowing that I could never do anything right lately no matter how hard I tried to didn’t help. In fact, it made matters much worse.

These past few days, I’ve resorted back to my old ways and started resenting myself like I used to all of the years before. Only difference is now this person in my life actually matters to me. 

I called her a couple times earlier because I wanted to make things right; or at least try to but there was no answer. She deserved to be upset. If not for what happened but about all the other times she acted like it hadn’t fazed her.

I should be giving her up because she deserves better but I can’t let go due to my own selfish dismay. I love her but is that enough?

Forcing myself to leave my continued negative thoughts just for now, I shut off the water and partly dried myself off. I put on the long slouchy black sweat pants and ran the towel through my wet hair before heading out. I came to a halt when I saw her. 

Except, she was far from the female I yearned to be before me. She was actually the last person I ever wanted to see anywhere near me let alone sitting very comfortably on my bed. And in only a towel. Of course

“Well Well Well, I had forgotten how good you looked. I’m so glad I was here to see. Do you think you can give me an even further reminder of everything else? I’d love a refresher course” she smirked and settled deeper into the king size mattress. 

“Grace, I’m in no mood today to deal with your bull. Just let yourself out while I’m being nice.” 

I was trying to be as calm as I could. Not only for my sanity but because I felt it would be something Christine would tell me to do. 

“Oh come on, stop trying to ruin all my fun” her voice began to get closer.

I could now feel her hands slowly running down from my shoulders and then my arm. A part of me wanted to push her away but the logical part of my brain just said to take it and took over.

You can’t have her.  She's too good for you. You don’t deserve someone like that. 

She had already started kissing my neck before I caught myself turning around to face my nemesis. But it seemed like my mind was playing tricks on me; like a mirage, the girl I really wanted was the one before me. 

“I missed you” she said before laying even more kisses all over me. 

My eyes unintentionally closed and I basked in moment; remembering every single time we’ve been able to share since I met her. Both good and bad. 

“Oppa. Kiss me.”

That logical part of my brain once again kept on repeating what it once had said over and over again.

I had lost control over my body, or at least it felt like that when I went in to actually engage that sweet moment with who felt like Christine to me.  

My hands took a strong clasp of her face as I moved in closer. With our lips a small distance away from touching, the loud door slamming close by woke me up from whatever trance I was in. 

My heart had finally taken control over the logical part of my brain and screamed, 

Traitor

I looked before me and saw Grace, who seemed amused at how I must have looked at the moment.

I didn’t care how I looked in this point of time, all I kept thinking was that she must have come home and seen something that was not what it looked it. While that is always the usual excuse, it really hadn’t been.

Even though my chest was bare and still had water dropping down, I rushed to see her room door shut closed. I knocked on it frantically and was surprised at how quickly it had opened. 

I looked her in the eyes and wasn’t sure what I was seeing. She seemed upset because I just knew what she was like after spending all this time with her but of course, Christine had this way of never showing off her emotions. 

“Look Christine, it’s not what it looks like.”

She continued walking down the hallway without even giving my statement a chance or a care. I caught up to her and held on until she faced me. 

“I mean it”

She gave my response a slight chuckle and what I knew must have been a fake smile.

“What are you talking about? I just came home to get my cell phone, I forgot it was on the charger. I’m going out again..”

That explains why she hadn’t been answering

“Can’t we just talk right now? I have some things I want to get off my chest.”

“I believe we both have our hands full at the moment. Plus, If you hadn’t already forgotten, I don’t have authority over who you choose to mess around with.”

She continued to rush off but I was right there coming after her. I didn’t care how much of a fool or an idiot I must have looked like right now. Practically running outside practically half , nothing else mattered. 

I couldn’t let it end like this; she needed to know how I felt. Even if I didn’t deserve to be with her, I didn’t want her to hurt anymore. 

“Christine, please listen to me!”

I ran through the open front door to seeing her standing still before me, her cell propped up against her ear. Though her back was all I could see, I knew her body was frozen still and looking straight ahead. I looked up and my eyes met two familiar faces; one being Christine’s mother and another being Leah standing behind her. 

The dim sound of Christine’s mothers cell phone was going off as all of us stood there; the ringing was the only noise to find among our silence. 

I looked at her mother as she made eye contact with me and then met Christine’s eyes. 

Leah broke the silence and it didn’t really help the situation but the whole thing was already awkward enough. Seeming distressed and not wanting to talk but it seemed like she had to explain herself

 "Christine, I didn't know your mom didn't know about your relationship.. I'm sorry." 

I motioned for Leah to come inside and while I didn’t want to leave Christine alone to take the heat by herself, I k