I laid in bed for two days after the incident; I would have thought it was longer but my cell phone tells me otherwise. The only time I left my small margin was to wash my face and shower but that was it.

I hadn't eaten anything and only took sips of the two half empty water bottles I conserved for moments I really became thirsty. I didn't want to put on makeup or dress up in pretty things. It was as if I became oblivious to my living quarters and where I was because it didn't matter.

Nothing did. I was as cold as ice, frozen on the spot.

I didn't even open the door that lead outside because I couldn't bare to see him, I was still too angry. I tried to block it all out because it was too much to bare. I didn't want to be this way but it was hard not to be after everything that happened.

I'm not sure if its because I've had so much time to think; maybe its my emotions taking over or the lack of activity from the outside but I feel as if life is getting back at me for lying and cheating myself out of a happy life. I've been lying to my friends and family, Jason being one of the more important ones because he's actually putting his own happiness on the side for me.

I gave up my life for a job opportunity. I gave up love to sit in a bed all day and cry my eyes out for feeling betrayed by someone I trusted and cheapened by another I didn't know. The more I think about it, he didn't betray me, I betrayed myself. He didn't have to do those things for me because he's not really mine.

A real fiancée would be expected to protect you and keep you happy but its not his responsibility. It's my fault for expecting so much on his part.

It is me that is wasting my days couped up in here while he could be eating, drinking, and going out all this time without me even knowing; meaning he can be going on with his day but I've become dependent on him. I used to think I was smart until I finally had a chance to think; now I can say I am as dumb as they come. Maybe I'm not as independent as I thought I was..

It was at this point that I decided I wasn't going to do this anymore. I'm not locking myself in my room while he does whatever he wants. I cringe every time I think of what the house looks like right now. I haven't done two days worth of laundry or cooking or of daily chores.

At the same time, why do I feel bad and then I don't. Like has he been eating out because we know he can't cook a thing and gets agitated if he doesn't eat on a schedule. I hate it! I'm supposed to be angry at him yet I still wonder what he's doing.

One of the first things I'm going to do is run to the kitchen; I need water! It's one thing to not eat for days but feeling dehydrated makes me feel like I've been in a hot desert or something. I didn't bother looking in the mirror either because I already know I'll jump back in surprise of my horribly looking face. This reminds me why I don't cry.

I opened the door ever so carefully so I wouldn't make lots of noise. I made it clear to myself that he will get the silent treatment, its better that way, for the both of us. Before I could get very far and by that I mean not even two steps, I found him laying before my bedroom door.

His body laid there inert and in the fetal position across the floor without a blanket or a pillow to support him. The more I stared at his closed eyes and lifeless body, I noticed he was still wearing the same clothes from the other night and to the right of him rested the bunch of flowers; peonies again, just like the ones from New York. From the looks of them, half were beginning to lose their life as they began to wilt but the others still were up and alive, willing to live without the water.

It didn't make sense though, what is he doing out here and in those clothes. I could have left him there but its not in my nature, no matter what I'm feeling inside,

"Hey, wake up" I nudged him

He didn't budge except his body was slightly shaking and I would think that's from laying on the same cold floor he always avoided me to do.

"Come on, get up and go to your bed. You can't sleep out here, it's cold"

I was going to give up and turned to leave when I heard his soft voice,

"I don't deserve it"

"Don't deserve what" I asked but not like my usual voice, it was much harsher then he'd be used to.

"My bed or anything else after I made you feel that way. I haven't slept anyway"

I turned back around to see him sitting up now but his eyes made me tense up. They were bloodshot and swollen all around the lid as if he had been crying right along with me. He didn't look like he had been sleeping either, just like he said.

"Can you give me a chance to explain"

"There's nothing to explain"

"Please just listen to me" he pleaded and now he was before my feet, holding onto my legs. "I was wrong. I was so stupid. I hate myself; I've never hated myself more then now. I haven't eaten, I haven't slept, I couldn't get myself to leave your room because I didn't want to miss the chance of you coming out."

This wasn't part of my plan but my heart slowly began to melt through the icy exterior it had built up over the last couple days. Maybe I was quick to judge what he'd be doing afterwards but I won't back down just yet.

"You didn't have to do this for me. You don't have to explain yourself, I'm no one"

"But you are something! You've become my friend and the person who takes care of me even though I couldn't take care of you. I don't know what came over me when I said that. I hate how I become around them; they change me. All I want to do is be the one they envy and like but I didn't mean for it to be at your cost. You've done so much for me" he began as his words became that much more softly spoken and tears could be seen now "You put so much of your life on hold for me; to help me with my family and my life. We may bicker but its always in fun. I haven't been able to sleep because I keep getting these nightmares that your going to leave me alone like everyone else has. I can't be alone anymore, please don't leave me" he cried even harder.

Without even realizing myself, my knees dropped to the floor as I held him in my embrace and rubbed his back softly in comfort.

"It's okay" I whispered "I'm not leaving you"

His soft cries made me want to cry all over again. At the moment he reminded me of a baby and I don't mean that in a jokingly way but as serious as I could be. The always serious man or funny man had now become vulnerable in front of my own eyes and I don't think I've ever seen a more open side to him since there is always something he isn't telling me.

"I'm so tired" he said

"I'll take you to your room"

"No, stay with me"

I pulled back a bit and saw his deep brown eyes as if they were begging me to stay so I did. I carefully got out of his embrace and laid his head in my lap as I his head full of hair.

"Go to sleep for a while, I'll be here when you wake up" my face grew a smile as he drifted off.

I've never seen him when he's been asleep before but he seemed calm now. The innocence he rarely showed was now on his sleeping face, the peaceful and serene dreams blocking out the dangers of the outside. The faint sound of his breathing making the world stand still, as if time had stopped in its tracks so he could get his needed slumber.

I carefully began to outline the soft grin painted on his lips and slowly moved up towards his nose before dipping down the side of his strong jawline. Within these short few minutes I realized why I began to do this in the first place and that gradually caused my own bitterness to wash away. Despite having a similar story to his own, I still felt the warm love of a family and recieved the same sort of feeling from my friends.

I never realized how much of an impact I had on one persons life. I not only became a friend to help with an underlying problem but I had now become someone who replaced that small hole that grew larger over the years of lacking such affection.
 

From stranger to a friend, then the of his jokes, and now I felt like his mother; giving him love and safety like a motherly figure would. It all felt so different, unlike anything I had ever experienced. It felt so weird but so right at the same time and this made things seem that more confusing.

 If I was angry or even if I wasn't, I knew I had to continue this. We haven't only come too far to turn back but I feel like he deserves a chance to start things new for himself. Maybe I can give him the strength to be happy at all times instead of pretending things are okay when they aren't. You may think it sounds stupid, sacrifice yourself for someone else to be happy but the way I see it is, I've already sacrificed myself and if anything good should come out of it, it should be something happy for anyone who deserves it. 

 

It had been a long time since I’ve had nightmares like the ones I have had over the last couple of days; the last time being when I was around ten years old. For the first time today, I finally felt at peace with myself and my conscience. There was no heavy breathing, beads of sweat running down my face from fear, or eyes forced wide open to avoid any scare thoughts.

I didn’t want to wake up from this tranquil situation because that would mean I’d have to face her after such an emotionally breaking state of action. Usually you'd hear of mothers comforting their child after they had a bad dream but I never saw those days. My sister could only do so much so eventually I told her they had stopped when they hadn't.

Today was a first for me. The only other person to support me like this was my sister but right now I felt something similar as she ran her hand through my hair and let me fall asleep in her arms after exposing myself, the five year old child that still lived inside me.

 

Never had I been so honest with anyone like that, even myself. In all honesty, I was surprised I was able to say as much as I did. While I hated becoming so exposed and unguarded, she needed to know how I felt, what made me become the person she has never understood. Even so, a part of me felt as if she’d understand or at least wouldn’t judge me like others might have. A lot of the reason for my guarded personality was so others couldn’t judge me.

 

My fully rested eyes flickered open as the last yawn escaped my mouth. Looking up, my lips cracked a smile as her head was carefully tilted to the side of the wall. Gentle breathes could be heard and her hands sat on my chest. Unintentionally I moved slightly from discomfort, causing her to wake in the process even though I really wanted her to just sleep unworried the same way she had let me do.
 

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry” I mumbled
 

“Not at all” she replied “I was just resting my eyes"

I couldn't look at her, my gaze staying low. I was ashamed by my actions and it sort of bothers me to think her opinion of me went from hating me for being playfully mean to hating for me real. 

"Are you going to act like this all the time now" she said, pushing her hand into my shoulder, causing me to question her random action.