7^th of December, 2012

Lee Jae Mi

It wasn’t like I wanted to be here, walking towards the school, returning from check-up. It wasn’t like I found it amusing to constantly be reminded of Jonghyun as I passed the school.

But I was.

The dusty beige colored walls and the big, rusty school gate reminded me of the first days I entered it with Jonghyun. How the other students turned their heads 180 degrees just to catch a glimpse of the new-born couple.

Like wildfire the gossip spread. Probably because I had always been that quiet wallflower that only communicated with the piano, and Jonghyun was an indeed very handsome man but showed all the girls away. Fortunately for both of us, all the other gossip faded as the days passed.

The clouds hanging in the sky above me was a constant reminder of the days I had spent with Jonghyun, picking out shapes in the cotton clouds.

As I planted my boots on the ground, I could see the snowflakes melt away under my feet, reminding me of the first day with snow. How Jonghyun laughed of my sudden happiness over something that silly.

It was funny how the person in the bus-stop reminded me of Jonghyun too; the way he rested the back of his head on the wood wall behind him and his fingers strummed on his jeans.

As I silently walked closer to him, I could hear a sweet song escaping his lips. I smiled to myself, wishing it was Jonghyun. Gasped to myself, as I realized it was Jonghyun.

“Jonghyun?” I carefully asked. I was afraid he might vanish if I asked too loud.

He didn’t look up as I came. Just continued to watch his fingers strum on his jeans and nodded as an answer.

Still believing he was an illusion, I wanted to keep him for my eyes as long as possible, and I sat down next him on the thin wood bench.

I waited for Jonghyun to say something. I felt like I had already said way too much yet I hadn’t said anything yet.

Did these kinds of illusions even speak? Otherwise I wanted my money back. Jonghyun without his voice was like December without Christmas.

“I do blame you for dragging you me into this”, he finally spoke, making clear he wasn’t an illusion. “If it weren’t for you, I’d still be able to live a normal life, only filled out my normal everyday-worries.”

My heart sank inside me but a pair of warm fingers wrapped about my cold, thin wrist. I looked down at Jonghyun’s slender fingers embracing my wrist.

He finally met my eyes. “But Jae Mi, I don’t regret this - you. I swear, I spend a lot of time wishing to do things differently than I did; wishing to have taken the other way home, said another thing or missed school that day. My whole life has actually consisted of regrets.”

His glabrous fingers gently caressed my jaw as he removed a strand of my hair with the rest. Meanwhile I just gazed at him with big eyes, still wondering if he was going to disappear.

“But Jae Mi, I have never - and I really mean never - doubted you. Even the last days I haven’t regretted meeting your lips the first time. Never. You are still the best thing that has happened to me.”

I sat frozen, determined this was a dream. In a moment, just before he would meet my lips, I would wake up and the cold light would burn my eyes. Things like this were only done in dreams; reality wouldn’t even allow him to say things like that.

Though, I still found a few insecure words escaping my lips. “Does that mean…?”

Jonghyun used his fingers under my jaw to lift up my chin and let his silky lips touch mine for a brief second. My lips felt cold and lonely when they left mine. Even if this was a dream, I’d still let him kiss me.

The weak lamp hanging above us, shone into his eyes, turning them into a dazzling night sky with a handful of stars beauteously sprinkled over them. His eyes were so bewitching that it took all my strength to listen to his words instead of only getting lost in his eyes.

 “Jae Mi… Someone really wise”, his mouth formed a slight, crooked grin, “made me realize what I would lose if I let you go.”

I slightly wrinkled my forehead. “Who?”

But Jonghyun ignored my words and just intertwined my hands made for his. “Not that I really needed to know how amazing you are. But for a moment everything seemed too wicked that I forgot. I forgot how you make all of my days memorable. I forgot your mellifluous laugh and your starry eyes. I forgot how much I love you. I’m sorry about that, Jae Mi. I’m sorry for having you wait for a douchebag like me.”

“Yah, you’re not a douchebag…” My words faded and I let out a small grin. “At least you’re a douchebag I can’t help but love.”

Jonghyun chuckled a gorgeous little laugh meanwhile my own smile suddenly froze. I turned to Jonghyun with a more serious gaze. “Are you really sure about this, Jonghyun? It’s not just a little, easy problem. This is gravity.”

Jonghyun seemed to catch the seriousness of the situation. “Jae Mi.” His voice was firm and confident and suddenly he sounded like he had been sure about this from the start. “I will not let you walk this lonely road alone. In all of this chilliness you’ll need a hand to warm yours.”

Jonghyun leant in closely to my ear, his words sending out a hot cloud of air. “I’ll be that hand.”

As his hands found their way to mine, the feeling of his feathery lips tickled my ear. In what felt like slow motion, he let his plump lips kiss my earlobe.

A thousand butterflies fluttered inside me as his lips slowly travelled further upon my skin. As a track, they left behind small, romantic pecks.

His hands slowly crept on the inside of my jacket, and a puff fled from my lips as his warmth embraced my frozen skin.

“I love you”, he told me with the sweetest sound of honesty.