6^th of December, 2012

Kim Jonghyun

The phone screen mocked me, the blinking flash burning my eyes. “Incoming call from Jae Mi”, the phone told me.

My fingers drummed on the table next to the phone, debating with myself whether I should pick up or not.

My mind was still very far from clear. My thoughts were tangled so messily into each other, it was a miracle I was still able to stand on my legs normally.

Jae Mi’s words had hit me like a gun against my heart, slowly hitting its goal; painfully drilling through my skin, the direction clear. The bullet was still moving around in my heart causing confusion and pain.

As much as I wanted to just ignore the call, pretend I didn’t hear the call, I knew deep inside that Jae Mi deserved better. Behind all the layers of confusion and sorrow I found myself honored that Jae Mi even trusted me enough to say such thing.

My voice spoke before my mind was settled. “It’s Jonghyun?” I was shocked by how monotone it sounded. I couldn’t even recognize myself in it.

It was weird and almost too normal. No one sounded like that a few days after their girlfriend told them they were going to die soon.

The sound of an unsteady breathing was heard on the other line instead of Jae Mi’s voice. If I hadn’t listened to her breathing so much, I might not even have known it was her on the line. But her breaths came out in small shaking gasps which they had tended to a lot lately. Now I knew why.

“Hello?” I asked, as she didn’t say anything. Immediately she hung up and I was left with the beeping sound. I let out a sigh, unaware if it was of relief or frustration.

I urged to hear Jae Mi’s voice so badly; her sweet voice telling me such weird things. Her little grunting laugh that she always tried to hide, and the way she always tried to comfort me when it was her that wasn’t feeling well.

But a phone call wouldn’t be enough for me. I’d hang up the phone and rush out of this cold house into Jae Mi’s heartwarming home. I’d rush up the stairs to her room, burry her in my chest and sniff in the scent of her hair. I’d kiss her till our lips couldn’t part any longer. I’d tell her I loved her.

I’d do something that I would end up regretting.

I wasn’t even sure that I would be capable to see Jae Mi any more. I didn’t doubt on my love to Jae Mi or her love to me. It wasn’t our parents that fought against us, we weren’t being parted by miles, and even the strangers seemed to cheer us on.

The only person I doubted was myself. Me, myself and I.

Jae Mi was going to live, I was determined. She was going to fight through this and continue with her life.

But was I really strong enough to fight next to her? I had always believed that I was the poor one; the one with sorrows and worries aligned. Now, I knew that what I had dealt with was just a simple little bump in the road. What Jae Mi was going through was a giant mountain hovering above her, casting black, cruel shadows over her future.

With a problem like this I had no amour, no words that could shield Jae Mi from the storm. She should be surrounded by strong, wise people, not confused fools like me. Doctors to heal her psychical wounds, and her parents to heal the mental.

She’d be better off without me in times like these.

“Jonghyun.”

I turned around in my seat and found Jinki standing there; the guy whom I had spent so much time hating and envying, but couldn’t refrain myself from loving when I saw his kind, goofy smile.

“Why are you crying?” He asked with a frown forming between his brows.

“Huh?” I mumbled, my hands touching the wet skin underneath my eyes. I didn’t even realize I had been crying all this time but as soon as I noticed, I could feel my eyes puff.

“So?” Jinki asked and scooted down next to me. “What’s up, little bro?” he smiled.

I frowned at his choice of words. “Jonghyun”, I bitterly corrected him.

Jinki seriously nodded. “Oh yes, the big, manly Casanova Jonghyun. How could I forget?” He joked.

Despite my mood, a smile cracked through the surface and I let out a small grin, but it was faster gone than Jinki could see it.

I barely told Jinki anything. We weren’t even near to as close as brothers should be. It wasn’t Jinki’s fault actually, neither the distance between us. I was the guilty one.

Every time Jinki reached out his hand, tried to open up, I turned the other way. When I looked back, Jinki was always the good guy; I just disguised him as the villain. I made his pure, good intentions evil and invented his ulterior motives exist.

“Promise not to tell dad?” I asked him.

Onew raised his brows. The fact that I was planning to speak to him was a bright light in our dark, messy relationship. He hurriedly nodded before I could regret.

“Of course”, he agreed without asking further questions about why. We both knew my relationship with my father was even worse than with Jinki.

“Um…” I awkwardly hesitated. I never imagine myself taking to Jinki like I was about to and I had no idea how to start. “It’s about a girl.”

Jinki’s eyes widened and a big grin spread across his face. “A girl, huh?” He nudged me and wriggled his eyebrows. But my sad, tearful face immediately made his smile disappear.

A more serious facial expression broke free from Jinki’s usual smiley self and wrapped his face like a grey dusty layer. “She broke her heart?” He asked, a hint of blame luring in his voice. He looked like he was ready to beat anyone up in the moment, even if she was a girl.

I shook my head. “Something else is breaking hers.”

Jinki titled his head. “Huh?” he asked, not hinting my riddle.

I turned to him. “Jinki hyung… My life has made so many U-turns lately that I can’t even keep up anymore. And now… I think it’s payback time.”

After several tears, truths, and realizations I finally finished my story. I finally looked Jinki in the eyes.

A big wrinkle was decking his face and he looked more serious than I had ever seen him before. “This is… I don’t know what to say right now. It’s hard coping”, he admitted, though he had always been the one with words.

I quietly nodded, studying the surface of the table, not knowing what to say. We sat in silence for a while, my tears creating small lakes on the wood.

“Jonghyun”, Onew said when the silence passed. “Do you really love Jae Mi?”

I looked at him and nodded. “Yes, I’m not even doubting.”

Onew nodded and send me a fond smile. “Then I don’t understand why you are thinking these thoughts about yourself. Why are you even considering leaving Jae Mi? To love a person is also being there when their lives are the hardest and to me, it sounds like Jae Mi could really use a hand to hold hers right now.”

Onew locked my eyes with his. “Jonghyun, you thinking these thoughts just proves that you’re man enough to stand by Jae Mi.”

I remained silent and avoided Onew’s eyes. “Jonghyun”, Onew insisted. “You love Jae Mi and Jae Mi loves you. But the fate is against you. But Jonghyun, ‘fate’ can be changed. But it’s not going to change itself with you sitting in this home, wailing like a child. Be a man and face your fears.”

Deep down I knew he was right but I refused to realize it. I still wasn’t convinced.

Onew became frustrated. His voice became slightly annoyed, maybe because I was so stubborn. “Jonghyun”, he said with a firm voice. “Do you really wish for her to die in another man’s arms?”

His question was so straight forward and without any regards that I was completely taken of guard. I slowly looked at him as the answers to all my questions flushed over my body.

“Thank you.”