Chapter 7

A month went by. Taemin was getting a little better day by day.  If something reminded him of Kibum he would smile. He would focus on the memory just in case that was a sign form Kibum.

Taemin was done with his shift. He hung up his apron in the back room. He was walking past the register when he heard the door hit the jiggle bell. He looked towards the door, it was Jinki. He smiled.

“Sorry, no pie for you. I am off of work now.” He teased, and smiled.

“Good because I didn’t come for pie. I really want to go see that new movie everyone was talking about at work today. I heard it is really good. You want to come with me?”

“Ah, no that’s ok you go ahead and go.”

 “I don’t want to go by myself so I thought, I’ll ask my friend. You should come with me.” He smiled brightly, his eyes twinkled.

Taemin felt flustered, not knowing what to say or do. So Taemin lied, too afraid and just not in the mood to do something fun without Kibum yet, because talking to Jinki and going somewhere with him was two different things.  “I have things to do.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Like what?”

“Um things. I have to um…” ok Kibum, I told you I would be normal but… but I don’t’ think I can do this, it is too much…. Taemin wanted to yell or cry or panic, he couldn’t place his uneasy feelings.

“You’re taking too long to answer so that makes me think you have nothing planned. Come on, come out with me.”  He pouted cutely.

“I don’t know.” He mumbled.

“You never go anywhere; it will be good for you.”

 He thought for a moment. He is right...If I want to get better then I have to do this and I do want to get better.  He sighed. “Um, I guess I could.” Taemin felt uncomfortable. He wanted to go but he didn’t want to go. He felt nervous for wanting to go, he also felt something else. This didn’t feel like guilt this time, this was different. He couldn’t put his finger on it. And was he staring a little too long at Jinki’s pretty twinkling eyes? He felt a bit anxious. Something was stirring in his stomach. His hands were a bit shaky and Jinki noticed.

“Are you ok?”

“I feel strange. But yes I think it might be good for me to get out of the house for the evening.”

They were walking down the street towards the mall complex. 

“So Jinki, I noticed you haven’t talked about work? What do you do?”

“I’m an artist, an illustrator. I draw pictures for books, magazines and things. I’ve done lots for children’s books.  My old friend, I told you about him thinking I looked like a bunny, well he loved my drawings. He said they made him smile, it even made you smile. Well when I see a kid reading a book that I drew the images for and it makes them happy. It makes me happy. A smile is contiguous you know.” He smiled.

Taemin looked at him as he was talking. Jinki’s face lights up when he talked, his nose twitches every now and then with certain words, his lips curl ever so slightly too when that happens. When Jinki finished talking and smiled at him, he felt that strange feeling again and blurted out “my stomach feels fuzzy!”

“What?”Jinki chuckled.

Taemin cleared his throat and looked away. “Um I don’t know, never mind.” What the did I say that for? What is this? He stared at his own feet walking on the pavement.

After the movie they were both in high spirits. The movie was extremely funny. They kept repeating parts of the movie to each other and couldn’t stop laughing.   Jinki was in such a good mood he asked Taemin if he wanted to do something else.

“Um I had fun, but I think I should be getting home.”

Jinki smiled and bounced on the balls of his toes.  “Ahhh come on please? It can’t end here. We should go dancing. Do you like dancing?”

“I ...um....” Taemin blinked his eyes nervously. “Sort of.” He smiled weakly.

Jinki grabbed Taemin’s hand and walked towards the street, he hailed a taxi and told the cab driver were to go.

Sitting in the back Taemin bit his bottom lip, and fidgeted with his fingers. “Um Jinki..... I don’t think I can dance though when we get there.”

“Why not? It will be fun it’s Friday, we should have a drink, talk about the movie and dance. We have to celebrate you going to the movies, and doing great.”

“But um, Jinki. I’m scared.”

“To dance in front of people? Don’t be, I’m with you. If you dance horribly that’s ok, I don’t care.”

No that’s not it. Taemin thought to himself. They arrived and Jinki helped Taemin out of the car.

Taemin looked around the outside of the building; he had been there with Kibum before. He looked up, that chip in the letters above the entrance still wasn’t fixed, he giggled a bit at how that use to annoy Kibum. I can do this. He tried to convince himself. Taemin’s guardian angel was trying to will Taemin to be strong and take a step forward, he was the one that made Taemin think that. Taemin tried to force himself to move. You can do this. Taemin thought to himself again. Jinki gently tugged his hand. “Come, If you are worried about paying for it, I got you covered.” Taemin stepped forward.

They entered, Taemin held Jinki’s hand tightly. “Are you ok?” Jinki asked.

Taemin half smiled in response.

Jinki paid for them to get in.

Jinki directed them to a spot to sit. “After you.” Jinki stepped back and let Taemin sit down. Jinki sat down across from him.  “A friend told me about this place long time ago when we were teenagers when he came to visit me back in Daegu, he moved here actually. He said I should come here if I loved great music or whenever the mood strikes. I’ve been here before once when I first moved here a month ago, but he wasn’t here. And besides that it felt like it was missing something, but this time I think it feels just right. I guess the mood has struck, because I don’t know why I wanted to come here, just felt like we should.” Unbeknownst to him it was Jinki’s guardian angel that gave him that feeling to take Taemin here and the sudden memories of his old friend. He smiled.  “What do you think? Have you been here before?” He said while he danced a bit in his seat.

“Yes I have been here before.” Taemin was watching the people dance on the floor. He was thinking about how he and Kibum would always dance in the middle of the room. He smiled remembering how happy they were back then.

“Do you want to dance?”

“U-um I don’t think I want to dance.” He shook his head timidly.

Jinki stood up and danced a silly dance near the table trying to making Taemin laugh.  “Please?” He wiggled his and bent his arms at the elbows and with his fist balled up at his sides. His arms going in the opposite direction of his waist.

Taemin was trying not to crack up. “Jinki stop you’re embarrassing me.” He blushed.

“What’s that, I can’t hear you?”  He teased

“Shut up please, sit down.” He laughed and tugged on his arm.

“HA! You laughed” He pointed his cute little finger in Taemin’s face. “I’ll stop if you come dance with me.” He gave him puppy dog eyes but that didn’t work.

“I didn’t laugh, I’m.. um.. I'm people watching and you’re in my way, so you’re bothering me.”  He smiled and blushed.

“Sure, ok then I am going to go dance.” He smiled and did another little wiggle dance as he made his way to the dance floor. When he got there he waved at Taemin and started dancing like a normal person.

Taemin laughed.

As he watched Jinki dance, he thought it over in his head. Just dance Taemin you promised Kibum you’d dance again. Just do it. Get up and do it. 1 step of bravery, no guilt, live life, and be happy. You can do this, you can do this. Don’t cry, just do it, it will make me feel better; it will make me feel closer to Kibum. It’s what he would want….If he can see me, he will be able to see me dance. He blinked; a tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped it way and stood up, took a deep shaky breath.  He whispered to himself under his breath in an attempt to boost his own courage. “Ok, hwaiting” He stepped forward.

He walked over to Jinki, but barely moved, just swayed a bit.  He smiled a bit at Jinki; he was thinking ok I’m on the dance floor now what? It was like his body couldn’t remember how to feel the music in public. He bopped his head a bit, and slowly started tapping his foot. He felt so out of place and uncomfortable, awkward.  He didn’t really look at Jinki after he nodded Hello, he had looked in his eyes but his tummy felt fuzzy again. So he looked around, He saw people happy and having fun, dancing, he noticed people sitting at the tables around the dance floor, the lights, the dj in the back. Taemin felt all alone in a room filled with people. He felt self conscious and nervous. 

Kibum’s spirit was standing in front of Taemin. He kissed the side of Taemin’s face and spoke. “Don’t be afraid. I know how to make you dance. You’ll like the next song.” He winked even though Taemin couldn’t see him.

While looking around and awkwardly moving, a spot on Taemin’s cheek felt warm, he touched it then he thought he heard something, he turned his head sharply but there wasn’t anyone that close to him. He whipped his head around and looked back to Jinki.

“Did you just say something Jinki?”

“No.” The song changed as soon as he answered. It was the song that Kibum played all the time. Taemin’s eyes went wide.

“I love this song!!!” Jinki shouted at the top of his lungs and started jumping up and down. He danced around Taemin.

Taemin’s heart was pounding faster, he had an inner conflict, he wanted to move but his brain didn’t tell his feet to move yet.  A surge of nervous energy hit him forcing him to speak instead of move. “This is his favorite song too!” Their eyes met, Jinki’s contagious smile made him smile back even if he wanted to or not.

“Then you owe it to him to dance, you owe it to yourself. Here, hold my hands and go crazy, jump, dance, get it out Taemin!”  He smiled his adorable infectious smile.

“You’re right!” The kind and helpful words sent the signal to his brain to let loose. He took all the nervous energy, all his emotions, the ones he deals with and the ones he won’t let himself deal with. He took all of it and put it into his dance, finally without another thought or worry. he began to move. 

One more step towards healing.

He danced. He smiled. He sang along with Jinki. Soon he forgot about everything that was inhibiting him and holding him back. It felt normal, so natural. He laughed at himself for not doing this sooner. He twirled around, and danced around the floor like old times. He said quietly to himself, “Can you see me Kibum? I’m doing it.” he smiled and a tear formed in his eye., but this tear was different, it was a happy tear.

“Did you say something, Taemin?”

Taemin quickly wiped at his eye. He danced around Jinki. “I said I’m happy.” He grinned, with watery eyes as he twirled around.

His smile was so pure, Jinki never thought a smile could look so beautiful. He has known him for a whole month and it was the first time he saw Taemin smile a smile like that, a real smile. “Good!” they danced for a few more songs. Jinki was also beaming, happy for his firend.

Kibum’s spirit smiled as he watched the two dance. “That’s the little Tae I remember, I found you.” He smiled and wiped a happy tear away.

They sipped on their drinks. “Taemin, you are a really great dancer, I never would have known. You really surprised me.”

“Mood struck me to dance, it was that song.  Such a great song. It made me feel so happy.” He takes another sip. “I’m such in a good mood all of a sudden.”

“Well, that’s good. Let’s go back out and dance some more in a little bit.”

“Yeah, I’m up for it.” he smiled and clinked their beer bottles together.

“You know I used to come here all the time.” Taemin was able to say this without thinking twice of pain or sadness. It felt happy talking about it, comfortable.  “Me and my boyfriend use to come here, we’d dance for hours. There was this one time; he came dressed as a freaking fox.” 

“What?” He laughed

He talked with his hands, waving about, swatting his left hand forward “No, no, get this.” He laughed “Ok so there was like this whole phase he was going through where he would use the word foxy instead of y. I told him it was annoying so one night he showed up dressed as a ing fox.”

They laughed. 

“God, that was so long ago. That was back when we first started dating. We had snuck in here a few times since we were young at the time. But we’d always have so much fun.  I still don’t know how we got away with being in here.” He laughed. “For real you should of saw his outfit. But I guess we were young and confident and stuff back then.”

Jinki smiled as he saw Taemin’s eyes light up as he talked about it. He felt happy for his friend Taemin.

“I’m glad you wanted to come here, thank you Jinki for bringing me here.  You know I think you and him would have gotten along well.  My boyfriend was a fun guy.” The words rolled off his tongue with ease not paying attention that he used past tense.

“I bet I would have. He sounds fun. You’re fun too. I like this side of you. You seem really happy just from dancing.”

“I love dancing. I just haven’t done it in 2 years. Well, I did start dancing again a month ago in my house.”

“You shouldn’t hide that talent. I am very serious you are really good.”

“Thank you.” He took another sip of his beer. “Well, maybe I should take it back up. I once planned to go to school for dancing or join a dance troop or something. But I guess I kept putting it off.”

“You should do that.” 

“Well, I did promise my boyfriend I would keep dancing. I think I should look into it. Maybe there is a dance studio around here.  You dance really well too by the way.” He smiled.

“You should do it then. That would be great. Are you done with your drink?”

“Yes”

“let’s get back out there then.  Come on.  Got to get your grove back if you are going back to dancing.” He smiled and encouraged.

The two danced and talked all night.  Taemin had so much fun when he came home for the night he was still singing and dancing as he got ready for bed.  He went to plug in his cell phone to the charger when he saw the paper with his list on it. He opened it up and added to it.

1. Look for signs of something. (What am I looking for?)

Angels? Happiness?

2. How to be happy. (and not feel guilty)

Dance.  A friend? – Jinki?  Dance.

3. Try and remember every conversation EVER with Kibum.

Things I’ve found.

  A matching Key.  (I’m going to be ok)

+ Talking about Kibum makes you feel better.

+Dancing.

+A best friend

 = happiness. (YAY! I’m done!)

But Taemin wasn’t done yet like he thought. …..

Author’s Note : Here is KeyTae’s song.

Oh god their English is sooooo ycute.  Ok let me get back to the point…Just think of them dancing and singing this and Taemin getting more and more happy, getting lost in the moment while KeyGhost watches. 

n-e-ways

*hugs ontae and taekey * because Taemin still has to heal all the way…be strong Taeminnie.

How did you feel during this chapter???  Can you feel Taemin's inner struggle?