Chapter 6

The end of the week was here. They talked every night on the phone. Taemin was more chipper, less likely to snap and take out his inner anger out on himself and others. He smiled more. He cleaned up his house every day after work and danced while he did it just like in the olden days.  He was blasting his music as he made the chocolate pie for Jinki. He glanced up at the clock, turned his music down just in time to hear Jinki knock on his door.

“Hello.”  He answered the door.

“Hello Taemin” He smiled.

“Please come in.” He gestured with his hand for him to walk in.

Taemin hadn’t had anyone in the house since Kibum was admitted to the hospital.  He felt uncomfortable all over again. His hands started shaking.  Jinki took off his shoes. “I brought you strawberries so you could stick them on pies.” He smiled.

 “heh” Taemin weakly laughed.

“Are you ok?”

“Um, yeah please come in and sit down.” He took the strawberries away from Jinki and took them to the kitchen.  He walked back in the living room to find Jinki sitting in Kibum’s old spot.

“You can’t sit there!” He said with panic in his voice. Taemin reached out towards him but froze.

“Sorry.” Jinki’s eyes widened in shock.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. Wait” he paused and took a deep breath…. “No it’s ok. You can sit there”…. Taemin almost felt sick, he was panicking on the inside trying hard not to start crying, his lip quivered. “No, never mind sorry.. le- let me sit there.” He stuttered softly.

 “Oh.”  Jinki realized what he did. “I’m sorry. Was this his favorite place to sit?”He asked softly.

“mm mm.” He hummed meekly, casting his eyes down at his feet.

Jinki got up. “It’s not a problem. Where should I sit?”

“You can sit here on the left that is where I sit.  I’ll sit here.” He walked to the other side of the couch.  “I haven’t sat here in forever. He would always hit me with a pillow if I did.” He stared at the spot on the couch. He took a deep breath again, and held it. He sat down slowly. He exhaled slowly as he lowered onto the seat. Ok, nothing bad happened. He thought to himself.

Jinki watched the look in Taemin’s face of pain and sadness as he stared at the couch and the sigh of relief as he had sat down. “This must have been so hard for you.”

“Yeah. I guess I avoided things like this so I wouldn’t have to face that he is really gone. If I sat here it would be admitting he was gone. Even though I know he really is. Does that make sense?”

“Yes.” He reached out his hand for Taemin to hold.

Taemin gave it a little squeeze. “Thank you. Thank you for not thinking I was weird or something.”

“You’re not weird. You’re grieving, this is totally normal. When someone grieves, they feel sad, mad, scared, denial, and a whole bunch of other things.”  He smiled sweetly making Taemin feel better.

Taemin got up, not wanting to sit in Kibum's spot. “How about that pie I owe you huh?”

“Yes I would love some.”

They began eating some pie.

“May I ask you something?”

“Yeah sure.” Taemin answered.

“When did he pass away?”

“2 years ago.”

“2 years ago?”

“Yeah so.” He voiced laced with attitude.

“Calm down, I am not judging you. It makes me sad.” He said with compassion.

“Well don’t pity me ok!” He grumbled. His brows knotting.

“Taemin I’m your friend not your enemy.  Taemin, I genuinely feel sad with you, not for you. You must have loved each other very much. I can’t even image losing someone I loved that much.  Why don’t you tell me about him if that will help? You never told me anything about him.” Keeping clam knowing Taemin couldn’t help his attitude and mood swings because of his depression grief, he spoke nicely and warm.

Taemin relaxed his expression as an apology, accepting Jinki didn’t mean it that way and answered “Well, he is from Daegu.” He meekly replied.

“Crap, and I said I was from Daegu.”

Taemin nodded. “He use to flick strawberries off pie, and you just gave me strawberries to stick on pies.”He sighed.

“I’m sorry Taemin.”

Taemin laughed, mood changing again, slipping into happy thinking about Kibum. “It’s ok.  You didn’t know. … Well let’s see what else…We met when we were very young. We started dating when we were 15. He got ill shortly after he turned 20.  When I met you on Wednesday… that was the anniversary of his passing. So around this time of year, I get more edgy I guess you could say. Some days of the year I’m not so bad I think. Then other days I am really a mess. And this anniversary something strange happened and then I noticed I am much worse than I thought.”

“Oh my god I feel so bad, I made your Wednesday worse. AND I brought you strawberries today.   Well gees I feel like an now. No wonder you were so upset and didn’t feel good the other day.  And I sat in his spot earlier.” He couldn’t even look at Taemin; he stared at the pie crumbs on his plate. “I wish I could take it back for you, change the past.”

“Is that what I look like?” Taemin asked sincerely and softly.

“Hm?”

“When I make myself feel bad when something beyond my control happens and I feel guilty about it? It is not your fault you did not know about me having a boyfriend that passed away, or the pie, the strawberry, the couch, his death date or where he was from… Please don’t feel bad about it.”  

“I’m sorry Taemin.”  He eyes trying to convey his sincerity.

“I’m sorry too.”

“Still Friends?” Jinki smiled trying to make him feel better.

“Friends.” Taemin nodded. “Please have some more pie” he smiled.  He thought to himself while cutting Jinki another slice. I learned to stop feeling sorry for myself, I will not feel guilty. I did nothing wrong. You cannot change the past.

They talked about random things the rest of the night, not bringing up Taemin’s boyfriend again. Taemin once again feel asleep feeling a bit better than the day before. Healing was going to be a slow process but he can make it, he is stronger than he thinks he is.

Just a reminder. Kibum is a spirit (a ghost) he can't be an angel since he was once human. So see him as a "soul" or "spirit/ghost" not an angel.