Chapter 10

Taemin was sitting on his bed with his keepsake box. “One more sign he said in my dream last night, and I have to be brave when I see it. Why, is something scary going to happen? Do I need a friend to be with me when “it” happens?” He was digging through his pictures.  “Foxy Kibum” he said as he picked up the picture of them at the club. “I wish I could go back in time and be with you one last time.  Should I hang out with Jinki today? Just in case the sign is coming? Or should I tell him about our past? I’m not sure what to do.” he pouted.

Jinki could not get a hold of Kibum’s parents, he would call his grandparents but he couldn’t find their number either. He called his own parents but they said Kibum’s grandma moved into a home for the elderly and didn’t know which place she was to ask her for their number. Jinki didn’t understand the overwhelming feeling he had to find Kibum so badly. Sure there was the dream from the other night but that was just a dream so why is it bothering him so much he thought to himself. The reason it bothered him was because his guardian angel kept pushing the thoughts into his head to help him out.

His angel wanted to try something different; he was working on guiding Jinki’s traveling thoughts to the key.

He was so busy to look him up when he first got here, and then he meant Taemin shortly after he moved here. “Oh maybe my lucky key will help me.” He dug in his jeans pocket, it wasn’t there “did I put it in my other pants?” It always was in his jeans he even left it in there when he would wash his clothes. He checked all his clothes, his chest of draws. “ where is it? How did I lose it? How long have I lost it? crap crap crap, I made a promise to keep it. Sorry Kibum I lost the key. Crap.”  ..... *ring*  He was scared when the phone rang, it made him jump.

“Hello?” he huffed, holding his chest.

“Hey Jinki, it’s me, Taemin. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, just the phone rang and it made me jumpy, I was in deep thought.”

“Yeah me too.” Taemin stared at Kibum’s spot on the couch.

There was a moment of silence. “So um, can you come over? I feel like I should be with someone. I don’t feel safe, no, I mean I feel safe it’s just, I feel really odd to be alone at the moment. I think, I think… can you come over?”

“Sure I will be right there.”

Jinki was sitting in Taemin’s spot but Taemin was not sitting in Kibum’s spot, instead he sat in a chair he never really used on the other side of the coffee table. But he used it whenever Jinki came over.

“So, um..”

“Um can we not talk, I just need you to sit there for a moment Jinki.” Taemin meekly talked.

“Ok I can do that.” Jinki fiddled with the outer seem of his jeans waiting for Taemin to talk. He didn’t like the sad look on his face.

They sat for a long while. Jinki kept thinking about his dream, what the heck was the name of Kibum’s boyfriend, how come that part of the dream was blurry, and where the heck did his key go? Why is Taemin scared?

Taemin was also thinking a lot about the dream he had last night too. I think I am supposed to tell him about Kibum, how he died. But I can’t do it Kibum, it hurts too much.

“Jinki?” he spoke quietly.

“Yes?”

“Do I seem better?” his voice was so soft, hard to hear.

“Better?”

“From when you first met me a few months back?”

“Yes, you dance, we hang out. Did you say you didn’t do anything like that before?”

“Yes.”

“Well then you’re getting better.” He smiled tenderly.

“So you don’t think I am fully healed yet?” he looked up from his folded hands in his lap.

“Taemin, do you think you are better?”

“No.” He started to cry really hard. His hands shot to his face covering his entire face. Jinki was shocked at the sudden on slot of tears and hard sobs; he rushed over to the chair and held him letting Taemin cry on his shoulder.

“Shh, shh, it’s ok.” He rocked him and rubbed his back.

“I thought I was better, but he told me I’m not healed yet. He said, I have to be ready for something. Why did he leave me?” He bawled his eyes out; Jinki’s shirt became soaked to the skin over his shoulder.

Jinki, thought to himself. does he talk to him? He wasn’t going to ask and make Taemin uncomfortable. He just listened like Taemin needed. He rubbed Taemin’s back as Taemin continued to sob into his shoulder.

“He had pretty eyes; I’ll never see them again. I can’t sit in his seat without waiting for him to hit me playfully with a pillow. Do you know how hard it is to dance and not have someone cheering you on who knows all the work I put into it. I clean this house but for what? I don’t get it. I think I’m going crazy. Jinki my heart hurts, I’m tired of crying but me saying that makes me feel so damn bad. I have never opened his chest of drawers; I can’t pack his things away. I talk to myself when you’re not here. I cry, true its less that it was before I met you, but I still do. I think it’s too often but then that makes me feel guilty. How can I be so cruel to think I am crying too much over him? I love him. His parents didn’t love him. They hated us. My tears are not just mine I think they are from his parents too, I cry for all 3 of us. Someone has to remember him; someone has to still love him. He had no friends near the end. If I stop crying then he is gone forever. I’m alone Jinki. I can’t take it anymore. Maybe we shouldn’t be friends.” Taemin lost it, he pulled away from Jinki and balled up in the chair burying his face into his palms crying so hard his head was pounding. “I’ll only bring you down with me.” He cried uncontrollably but Jinki heard every word.

“Taemin? Did you call me here so I could go through his stuff with you? I’ll help; I just want to see you smile. Why don’t you tell me … ok this is going to be painful for you, but I think you need to tell me how he died. Can you do that? I think it will help you. I don’t even know his name.”

“No, I can’t I just can’t. It’s too much. I’ll fall off the deep end, I just can’t’. If I speak about it, I’ll I’ll never be fixed.”

Jinki went to the bathroom and took the roll of toilet paper roll off the little spoll on the wall and walked back to the living room. Tearing some tissue off the roll he sighed. “Taemin?” he gently touched his shoulder making him face him. Taemin’s legs fell down off the chair; he sat slumped over still hiding his face. Jinki tenderly took his hands away and wiped at Taemin’s tears. “Taemin, you’re my best friend here in the city. We have gotten so close. I’m here for you, please let me help. It won’t be not fixed, but it will be the opposite, if you tell me, I bet it will help fix you. Do you trust me?” He held Taemin’s right hand.

“Ne” he sniffled trying to stop crying.

“I know some things about you. But I would love to know all of it. I would love to know about your past. I want to help you through all your pain. It is hurting me to see you this upset, depressed. Let’s start, why don’t you sit down in his spot.” Taemin’s eyes went towards the seat cushion. “I think your boyfriend wants you to talk about it. If you were mine I would want the world to know about me and what made you so happy. Tell me about him so I can remember him too even thought I never knew him, it will be 2 of us that will remember him if you tell me. I want to help you. That is what friends do. Tell me what you are feeling.” He said softly, easing Taemin a bit.

Taemin choked back his tears. He wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. “I feel if I sit there, he is going to make me.., no.. he can’t make me... he said  I have to be brave for something... so if I sit there the thing I am suppose to wait for is going to happen.”

“He said? Do you speak to him?”He asked carefully, his voice tender.

“No” his lips quivered. “Yes! I’m going insane Jinki, this isn’t healthy but I can’t go to a hospital because, because.” He sobbed and grabbed the front of Jinki’s shirt, balling it into his fists. “I can’t! Don’t make me go!” Taemin was crying so hard, his eyes were red and swollen. Tears hung on the tip of his nose and chin. He wiped at the hanging tears and swiped at his eyes, but they wouldn’t stop coming.

“I-I won’t. I wasn’t going to suggest that. I was going to say, just tell me about him.” Jinki gave him some tissue, Taemin took some and dabbed his chin and cheeks. Jinki took some more and caringly patted his eyes dry the best he could. “It’s ok Taemin I am here, whenever you’re ready. Or you can wait and tell me later, it’s up to you. I won’t make you.” he hugged him for a moment then leaned back to look into his eyes.

Taemin’s tears were quiet now. No sound from him at all he just blankly started off into space. He blew his nose, wiped his eyes, and pressed his fingers to his forehead. He looked around the room remembering things about Kibum. How they danced in the corner at the edge of the window when they hung up the curtains. He looked over to the spot on the couch once more and took a deep breath. Kibum fell asleep on the couch once and Taemin tried carrying him to the room but fell. It was a funny thought of Kibum thinking he had a dream about falling then Taemin actually dropped him. But Taemin didn’t laugh at this memory like he use to do with Kibum. Taemin had a permanent frown. He looked back to Jinki who was still rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb patiently waiting, not rushing him. Taemin was thankful for that. He was ready to say something.

His voice was shaky. “He comes to me in my dreams, well he only did twice and he said there are 2 more times he is coming, he said he left me signs I already have one of them, not sure if I have others or I’m going to get others.”

“Well then it’s just a dream you’re not crazy. And if it really is his spirit then that is a good thing, he is watching out for you. Is he happy in these dreams, he is not in pain or sick?”

“No”

“See, then its good. Nothing to be scared of Taemin.” he hugged him.

Taemin accepted the hug, it felt nice. How long has it been since he hugged someone, or hugged Kibum? Hugged anyone? He pulled away “Are you sure, because strange things are happening.”

“Strange things?”

“I found something. And it looks just like something my boyfriend gave me when we were little.”

“It’s probably just a coincidence but if it’s a sign from above then that is also good right? He wouldn’t send you something scary.” He smiled.

“You’re right.” Taemin sniffled, his tears had stopped and he didn’t even realize till just now.

“Anything else?”He wiped Taemin’s wet eyelashes.

“Can, can you just hold me again? I haven’t hugged anyone in a long time. I think I just need you next to me.”

“Anything you need.” Jinki sat on the arm rest of the chair and Taemin placed his head in Jinki’s lap. Jinki rubbed up and down his arm comforting him. Jinki’s caring touch and behavior and all the crying he had done made Taemin yawn. “I’m sleepy, my head hurts.”

“Shh, just get some rest, I’ll stay. I won’t leave.”

“Thank you.” He mumbled as he drifted off into sleep.

When Taemin woke up it was the middle of the night. Jinki was sitting on the couch drawing for his new book. Taemin sat up rubbing his eyes.

“Good morning, I didn’t know if I should have carried you to your bed you looked peaceful like you haven’t slept in years.”

“Well, I don’t sleep well anymore. Can you spend the night?” he asked shyly

“I already am, its midnight.” He smiled.

“Oh.” He blushed.

“I can sit in the chair if you want to take the couch now?”

Taemin got up and sat really close to him not touching Kibum’s place. “No this is fine I will just rest my head on you if it is ok and put my feet on the coffee table.”

“That’s fine with me.” Jinki closed his sketch book.

“So what are you working on?”

“Just some illustrations for work. I am doing drawings for a new children’s book. It’s about bunnies. It’s going to be a whole series. I came up with the idea, well I sort of want to do it for an old friend of mine. He always liked my drawings.”

“oh yeah you told me about him. The bunny pic on the napkin.” Taemin smiled and put his head down on his shoulder. “You do look like a bunny.” He giggled.

“Well you look like a kitten” Taemin must have been thinking to loud because he didn’t’ hear what Jinki just said he looked like. Kibum use to say that all the time. Jinki laid his feet on the coffee table next to Taemin’s feet, he laid his head back on the back of the couch.

Taemin whispered. “He bought this coffee table. We never sat like this though. If I ever put my sock feet up here he’d kill me as if I was wearing shoes and messing up the furniture.”

Jinki looked at him to see if his was going to cry. But he wasn’t he was smiling and staring at their feet. 

Taemin didn’t think about feeling guilty for having someone spend the night or the coffee table or him lying up against another person, a very cute person who was so nice. Taemin smiled, he started blushing. He was thinking of how kind and full of compassion Jinki was and how he noticed they were wearing matching socks. He started to giggle.

 “Jinki?”

“Yes.”

“We are wearing the same socks.”

Jinki looked down and noticed. He chuckled “so we are” he smiled and draped and arm around Taemin. And hit Taemin’s toes with his own.

“I think I will get better, thank you Jinki, for today.”

“Anytime Taemin”

They fell asleep on the couch huddled up to the side of the couch.