The normal things we used to enjoy had long been gone. No more were the merry laughter echoing in the house, making our bodies shake, our eyes teary, our tummies hurting. Our hearts full with ecstasy of just being together, even in a solitude kind of way.

No more were the occasional runs where you pretend to be a weakling, complaining of my weight whenever you catch me. Even if I could feel the warm, muscled body of yours effortlessly swinging me around. No more were the warm nights when we lay in bed silently. Just looking at each other, our hands clasped until we both drift off to sleep. You have never failed to tell me, and make me feel how much you love me.

There was none of those anymore.

No more… for life has become a routine.

Where laughter was replaced by civil nods of good morning. The obligatory kiss in front of the kids was cold, instead of the intimate ones we used to share. No longer do I curl up covered by your arms on the bed. Nights were spent facing the wall, and everywhere except each other. Dinner had been empty as your nights in the office got longer each day. The questions increased, I may be guilty... but please do know I tried hard not to doubt.

We were drifting apart.

I wanted to hold on to you…

…but I did not know how.

~~~

I am so scared, but I cannot tell you. Because… just because. I could not bear to say it, to say good bye.

 I love you even if I have never spoken those words. I love you… I wish you could hear me. I love you, please hold me just once more. Hold me again, like when you first told me I was so pretty, like when you first sang to me with that beautiful voice of yours. Tell me again those words I missed hearing. Pardon this desperate pleas, but please...

Jong kook-ah… Kim Jong kook… I miss you so…

~~~

I wish I could stop the days from passing by so fast. I am losing time, precious time that I wish I could stretch to forever. I still believe you love me. I still believe in what I feel. 

I will wait for you, but please make it fast…

Even so… even if, if ever… you'd be late. Please do know, I am forever waiting... even if you could not see or hear.

I am here.

~~~

Where are you now?

I had something I need to tell you. But maybe this is easier right? Please do not regret anything for it was my choice. I made it like this so you could hate me instead of yourself. Please live happily and put the blame on me. I would not mind for I would be so busy thinking of you and our memories together.

When you used to call me yours, shouting my name over and over again. I would always remember how much you loved me, how much you made everything more beautiful.

Your smile, your eyes, your nose… your habit of talking in your sleep. The way you like your salad. How you scowl at my habits, or how you make a fuss when your books are not arranged in order. How you excitedly looked at our son and daughter, how you held them with so much care and love even if your arms made it all so awkward. Even if they were all over you, I had never seen you mad or annoyed. I would never forget this beautiful present you gave me.

I would forever be recounting that first day, the coldest day of all winters. When you awkwardly smiled at me after we reached out for the same book. You asked my name afterwards but I was only staring at you. Was if five? Or ten minutes?

I thought it was forever as I still reel from how you knew without asking my voiceless world. As if we had a connection that did not require words.

As if… right from the start I was meant to meet you in that cold day…

… so that winters would never be cold again, and so that summers would be warmer.

So that life would be happier.

So that I would feel alive.

For the first time…

… I was alive.

So you should be happy too. Live not blaming you. Live not blaming time.

Just live on, happily… without regrets just as before you met me… I am sorry for being selfish, but please never cry for me Jong kook-ah. You had done more than enough… and I love you. I love you. My only regret was not being able to tell you, not being able to let you hear it.

I am sorry I cannot.

~~~

Is it another overtime? I wish you would be home faster. I am waiting, forever waiting but everything is slipping away. I never told you, but just this once, please come home… faster, please.

Please. Let me see you one more time… before the sun sets. Before darkness comes.

I feel so helpless as I continue to watch. That was all I could do, be helpless, regretting everything. I wanted to believe… I wanted to hold on.

I was so afraid, Ji hyo-yah.

What if you wake up? Still I did it.

What if you were supposed to wake up if only we waited and trusted? However, it was too late... I would never know. All I would remember for the rest of my life is that I gave up on you.

Like so many times when you were still here, but you were always so good to me. Even if I were not able to do the same for you.

Could you still hear me with your eyes closed?

I love you...

I could not even remember the last time I was able to tell you.

I love you…

I was not able to say it as often as I could, but I tried my best to show you -- how pathetic I am. Comforting myself like this. I am sorry that this is all I could do.

I am sorry...

And thank you for loving a man like me…

Kim Jong kook's thoughts were interrupted as his son tugged at his hand. The little one's eyes were red and puffy but he was not crying. Jong kook tried to smile to assure his son but failed miserably and he wondered if he even deserved to be a father.

"Appa, omma said," the little one inhaled deeply as if regaining his control, his eyes young but already wise in a way. "Omma said, do not cry."

Jong kook nodded.

"I never heard it appa, but I know. Omma... would be sad."

Jong kook nodded. There was silence between them, just like before. But now it was warm, as if a special bond was born. Just like before with her, in silence and understanding. Trusting what they feel.

"Grow up like your omma, Jong Seung, neh?" he said his voice weak and trembling.

The little boy nodded and tightened his grip on his father's hand as they both stood in front of their most beloved woman. She may be no longer with them, but they would never forget or stop loving her.

Maybe actions are better than words. Maybe silence is more meaningful than the chaos. In this world, it does not matter how, but the most important thing is that you and the other know. Even if it were not reasonable to others, to both of you, your ways would always be special. Your way of loving each other would always make stupid sensible.

Even if those words had never found their way past to his ears, he knew.

He only regrets that he was not able to treasure it.

The cold wind blew and he felt Jong Sung shiver. It was not too late, yet. "Let's go, Jong Seung-ah, your sister is waiting."

The young boy nodded. They both bowed their heads and walked away.

She watched them go. At last, she was able to say it, her voice loud and clear, although unheard.

"I love you, I love you..."

I missed writing and I do not know if I could still do fics lol. Sorry for this angst, my mood is just down these days because I'm stuck with thesis... I guess effects of procrastinating got me bad. I'm still in hiatus, but this Friday I'd be free, wish me luck, that I'd pass my defense ^^

Thanks for reading :)