In our life, there would be many conversations. Most will be forgotten but some lines will definitely stuck. Strangers will pass us in the streets. We wouldn’t remember them all but someone from that crowd could be a part of us.

“When you left it hurt.” he said. Everything was laced with pain, his voice, his gaze. I can’t do anything but act as if I wasn’t affected. Like I wasn’t confused or moved even if I was a raging typhoon inside.

I had never forgotten those words.

Until now, those words had haunted me. I am still not sure I regretted it but I know it had left something inside my heart. Broken, lost.

But… what is there to break up when there is nothing in the first place?

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It all started that day when I arrived too early for my new job. I know, I am an actress but this is my job, I work for Running man. Some people at the set threw me a look of disapproval. Maybe they wondered, no, they think I don’t belong here. Some smiled and some were uncertain of what to do with me, it was all uncomfortable. I was at least offered a comfortable chair as I waited for the filming to start.

I felt a pair of eyes on me and I secretly tried to look for the source. My eyes roamed the room, concealed behind a dark pair of glasses. I found the source of my unease. He was still staring. He was looking straight at me with an expression that I can’t name.

I know how awkward the situation was, an actress crossing over in variety. An actress known for roles hated by the people is going on a program watched by families and kids. I know they’ll dig but I am doing this. I eyed the man named Kim Jong kook. I had met him in Family Outing but he kept to himself most of the time so we were practically strangers.

“Hey…” he spoke first and it sounded like it took him a lot of effort to say that word. I smiled timidly and tried to be friendly. The awkwardness is killing me.

“You like coffee?” he asked. I noticed he was really shy as he hid his hands behind him.

“Do you?” great, I killed the awkward conversation again. To my surprise, he a cup to me. It was still warm. I took a sip as I looked at him with gratitude.

“Did you not like it?”

“I like it… it’s my favorite.”

“I’m glad your taste hasn’t changed.” I shot him a curious look to which he answered with a smile that turned his eyes into the shape of the moon. I thought they looked beautiful. “Jae suk hyung made me buy coffee for everyone during Family Outing… I thought I’d do something. Umm you know, to make you feel welcomed.”

“You remembered...” I don’t know why at that moment I felt like I have to do Running man. Partly for my career and partly to know more about the man who doesn’t drink coffee but knows how I drink mine.

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Jong kook a cup of coffee to my face but I only buried my face deeper in my arms. I bit my lips, tried to contain the sobbing and the ugly tears. I felt him shift. In an instant, he had his arms draped around me. He never said a word. He didn’t ask and I cried.

I found myself curled up in an unknown bed when I recognized that familiar scent. I was surrounded by my best friend’s smell. Kim Jong kook oppa…

Peering form the bed I saw my best friend and my other brothers. Haha oppa who likes to tease me a lot, Gary oppa who really felt like my boyfriend sometimes. Suk Jin and Jae suk oppa who always treated me like their own daughter, my dongsaeng who likes to argue with me but was always sweet. They all slept on the floor of Jong kook’s apartment. She found a treasure, a family willing to be there for her.

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“You want coffee?” he asked and I shook my head. I was so happy, happier than I can ever be. I don't need coffee to make me feel alive.

“Oppa!” he smiled and I just can’t contain my emotions. I held his hand and swayed it. “I’m glad you are happy Ji hyo-yah.”

“I am, I can’t believe I can find someone like him oppa. He is kind understanding… we are perfect for each other.”

“I am kind and understanding… I can put up with you.”

“I know that’s why I love you oppa.” I said. I always told my family I love them. It was no different when I told Gwang soo I love him or when I told Lizzy I love her. But the look on my best friend’s face hit me with a big realization that scared me.

He is my friend, it can’t be. I ignored the voices. I ignored the nagging feeling. It was nothing. I failed to realize that the air had gone colder, the atmosphere tense. I always failed to notice things like that and I haven’t been great on instincts.  Still… it was a strong vibe. It can’t be.

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“Oppa… you said you’ll tell me something.” he grew quiet, the air was serious. Did I really want to know? Why did I ask? It felt like he wanted to say something and a part of me wished he wouldn’t. Haha cut into us, laughing merrily as he entered the prison.

“I can’t believe you two would be the first pair out.” Haha didn’t notice the uneasiness around us and I was just grateful for the distraction.

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One day I stopped coming to Running man. I left after talking to the Pds and the other cast. Jong kook oppa wasn’t there. He didn’t know I was leaving. He was on another show and I passed by the studio to steal one glance of him. He was smiling but I knew better, his eyes were sad. I can’t say good-bye to him. I turned around and left.

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For a year, I was busy shooting in foreign places. I missed Running man greatly and it always makes me teary whenever I watch the show. Slowly, I lost connection. Jong kook oppa never called and I never called either. I still talk a lot with the others. But slowly the meet ups which Jong kook always missed became scarce. We no longer talk, our lives continued. I missed my best friend and I was sorry I left. I continued to live, I am an actress and this is what I should do.

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One day I was watching Running man, they have a new female member. I tried to be happy as they teased each other at the possibility of love lines. Gary made a shout out to me as his Monday girl friend. I smiled. It’s now up to Gwang soo and Jong kook. My heart raced. Hyun Kyung and Jong kook as the new couple of the show made my heart thump weirdly. She was fierce, a female Jong kook. They matched so well. She was called the new ace but I was that. I was the ace… I was the one who worked well together with oppa. But it was all in the past. It hurt, I tried to stop it.

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I smiled as I posed for the camera. People still asked me about running man. I always give them my standard speech of being happy for the cast. If there’s one person I kept close, it was Joong ki who understood too well how I feel. I felt him grip my arm tighter. I give him a quick smile before we walked towards the theater for our new movie.

I saw Gwang soo wave from the sea of VIP guests, my heart almost stopped beating when I saw oppa there. If not for Joong ki, I would’ve stayed there frozen and staring. He was chatting with Tae hyun. For a while, I thought it he came for me and then I realized he was probably there to support his friend Jang hyuk.

“Thank you for all coming here with us. This movie is really special to me not only because my dongsaeng Joong ki was with me but because of my Sunbae Jang hyuk who is a great actor and a great mentor…” I didn’t know how I finished my memorized speech. All I know was that bright lights blinded me, I can’t see him, and the applauses were loud, drumming in my ears.

The after party was even louder. They had invited a few friends in the party and it felt like a sort of reunions. I was dancing with the director when someone tapped me. The director smiled and gave me away. I turned around and was caught in my best friend’s arms.

“Long time no see Ji hyo-yah.” His voice… I had heard it of course in shows but for years, he had managed to avoid all of me.

“Hi.”

“Is that all?” his gaze bore deeper to me.

“I’m sorry.”

He guided me outside and I breathed in the chilly night air.

“Why’d you just left?”

“I said goodbye, I shot the farewell episode, and it was you who wasn’t there.”

“If I was there –”

“Why? You would stop me?” I felt annoyed. I know I tried but it was he acting like a kid. So I quit I left. It wasn’t my fault he is touring and wasn’t there. He is a singer and he knows I am an actress. We weren’t in variety on the first place.

“When you left it hurt.” he was in pain and I wanted to hurt him. For ignoring me, for not even trying to reach out, I missed him but I hated him right there. He had no right to make me feel guilty it was him who pushed me away.

“It was you who avoided me oppa.”

“I was scared I’d drag you back. I know you had to leave.” he sighed as if it was hard to speak. “I hated seeing you so tired… I knew you had to leave.” I mellowed hearing him like that he is still my oppa despite what happened.

“Weren’t you curious about that night?” he asked.

 I paled from his words. I had thought of what ifs. I didn’t like the possibilities of my thoughts.  I was scared.

“Running man is doing well.”

“I want to talk about us Ji hyo.”

“You and Hyun kyung looked great.” 

“It was just a stupid love line. No more real than your Monday couple thing.” Is he angry? I should be angry.

“Oppa, I don’t like this. I want to go inside.”

“Are you running away gain? Were you jealous?”

“You are insane.” I yelled at him but he grabbed my hand and whirled me around. I found myself pressed against him my hands flat on his chest.

“Did you regret?”

I sighed.  I don’t want to hurt him. “I don’t know. Maybe.” my head is swimming and I can’t think straight anymore.

“Why?” I didn’t want to answer. I am so confused. I didn’t want us to go there. “Why Ji hyo-yah?”

“Do I really have to answer that?”

“No more running away.”

“Then why did you avoid me.”

“It hurt like hell when someone you love suddenly leaves you. I’ve felt it, you didn’t like me like I like you.”

My breath caught. Am I imagining things?

“Then why are you saying this to me now?”

“Look at me.” I did and I saw the answers. I must’ve liked him too but I am still unsure. He was my oppa. “I hope the rumors between you and Joong ki are false.”

“He is a dongsaeng.”

His head inched closer. He nuzzled the side of my neck. “Ji hyo-yah that night if Haha didn’t came I was about to tell you... I like you. I wanted to take you away from that man.”

He liked me. I somehow knew but I was afraid. We were bests of friends. I am bothered but unsure.

He looked at me with those eyes that I just realized, had always looked at me. There was pain and longing, he was waiting. I can’t say anything. Did I also like him back? Until now, I don’t know the answer. I slowly pulled away. I turned away.

He called me and I said I need to think. I knew though… we wouldn’t meet again. Maybe we would, but no longer like that. It was my fault but I really didn’t know. I wish I did. I wish I could name this feeling in my heart.

We are not breaking anything. There was nothing there in the first place but unsaid and unnamed feelings.

Maybe it will get better in time.

Maybe I didn’t regret.

Phew, I can’t help it.  I’m sorry for the angst and the grammar I am so sleepy to check and reread again.

I am doing the requests but got distracted with this. I hope I am not boring you guys  :)