프니엘: If being alone in an all-white room is weird enough, then take this: there’s a red string attached to my pinky. It’s really long; it flows down from my hand, snaking around the floor, and leads off to somewhere obscured by a thick white fog. Not brave enough to step into the unknown, I start pulling the red thread. It must be really long, because I take a few minutes winding it around my hand. Moments later, I hear some grumbling noise approaching, and it’s a familiar voice.

“Ah, hey—hey! Where are you taking me?” a staggering redhead emerges from the thick fog, and she stops when she sees me. “Oi, what are you—oh, hey, Peniel! It’s you!” and that’s when I notice that there’s also a red string around her pinky.

“What’s happening?” I ask her.

She jerks her shoulders upward, like the way she always does when completely clueless. “How did you get here?”

“I…I don’t know…”

She tilts her head with a dissatisfied, “Hmm.” Then she sighs. “Well, this has got to mean something. I wonder where the end of this is?” and she starts pulling the long end of her red string, like the way I had done. She pulls and pulls, like a cowgirl using a lasso.

Not very long after that, as if he has been summoned; in the scene comes a tall boy with black hair and small eyes, and just as I thought: there’s a red string around his pinky. “Hyung! Se Na! Mind telling me what’s happening?”

And that’s when I see what the cause of all this is. In the midst of us, there’s a red, tangled yarn where all our red strings are attached. The ends of all our strings are in there.

“Anyone know how to unwind a yarn?” Se Na asks, stooping down and taking the tangled ball into her hands.

And that’s where my dream ends.

I wake up to the shaking of my shoulder; and Changsub-hyung’s incessant coaxing of, “Donggeun, Donggeun, wake up.” When I rise from my bed, he huffs, and complains about how easily I could get up before. He tells me to go outside, because it’s already breakfast time.

When I get out, the first thing I notice is how obnoxiously cold it is; I could easily picture out in my mind the frost developing on the windowsills, and a thin layer of ice carpeting the streets. It’s a chilly morning, a few days after Christmas, which was, by the way, really great, as I had given Se Nam this expensive fountain pen that I’ve once caught her sighing about.

Christmas celebration was pretty dull that day though, as we had to perform in a music show, and the filming lasted till very late night. But when we came back to the office, we found Se Na there, a wide array of food, and a huge tower of seven gift boxes. Instantaneously we had an impromptu Christmas party, and what a blast we had, for, as impromptu as the party was, our 4Minute sunbaenims were practicing at that time and found out about our party, and they joined in the games.

In the midst of the party though, Se Na disappears. Like noticing the same thing, Sungjae  went out of the office without another word, and I don’t know what happened for the next few hours, but all I know is that Sungjae came back looking bewildered and disturbed. Se Na never came back.

“Good morning, hyung!” maknae sunnily greets me. The kid seems to be in a really good mood today. He even got up before me so that’s really saying something. I wonder what’s up?

“Morn,” I reply tersely, with a sleepy smile, my face muscles still adjusting to be used for the day. Taking my seat at the table, we all say grace, and start eating away.

“Since we have the entire day to seize for ourselves, what are your plans?” asks Eungka-hyung, as we eat.

“Oh, not me,” Sungjae chuckles. “I have an appointment.”

“With? Se Na?” Ilhoon asks.

“Nope; a professional appointment. I’m needed at MBC; I’m to do some little MC-ing,” he states, like it doesn’t at all appear to him as bothersome.

At about 10 AM Sungjae leaves the dorm, and we all bid him to do well. The day goes on lazily; perhaps also because of the chilly weather outside. We turn the heater on to our heart’s content and we find ourselves having a movie-marathon. As usual, even in broad daylight Eungka-hyung gets scared by horror movies (well, how else is it supposed to affect him, right?).

It all goes smoothly but then afternoon came. At about 14:37, that’s when it comes. Hyunsik-hyung has just returned from our room and says with a quietly panicked face, while showing his phone screen, “Is it just me, or did you guys receive this too?”

We all glance at him, and then chorus, “What’s that?”

“A message from Se Na,” he starts grabbing his jacket, as if knowing a certain trouble we do not. “She wishes an audience with us,”

The rest of us then check our phones, and hyung is right: there is a message from her. She has stated the meeting place, and tells us to meet us ASAP.

“Finally, something to do.” Ilhoon gets up from his lain position on the floor, stretching, and trots off to the wardrobe to change clothes. We follow him, and not so later, we’re driving to the rendezvous.

When we’re in the car I ask Hyunsik-hyung what the matter is, but he just shakes his head. His acting doesn’t convince me.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” I whisper to him. “Do you know what this is about?”

He just closes his lips tight. “I don’t think I really know, Donggeuni,”

I leave him at that, and decide to know for myself.

We stop at a café near the outskirts of Seoul, and we’re quite glad that there are almost no people in the café. If people would see us meeting a girl, we’d be in trouble.

Getting down the car one by one, I think the only one who’s bracing himself is me. If Se Na came to these lengths for a meeting, this must be pretty serious. We get in. Bells chime upon our entrance and there is Se Na at the first table we see, wearing that excellent pokerface she has always possessed. A cup of drink stands idly in front of her hands, and a brown envelope, which I later on notice when I have approached a table.

She nods at us with a smile, motioning us to come over. I walk, a little hesitantly, feeling like the Se Na I used to know was misplaced somewhere, and replaced by this creature altogether too tranquil and distant: there’s something absolutely amiss.

“Hey, oppa, have a seat,” she says to us all when we reach the table, and only Minhyuk-hyung and Eunkwang-hyung have the audacity to sit at her side. Se Na calls for a waiter and the waiter nods. Much to our surprise, the waiter delivers a tray with six cups on it, each cup of our preferred flavor. Se Na knows us too well already.

“What’s up, champ?” Eunkwang-hyung laughs. “Thanks for these, by the way.”

“You’re welcome,” still with a smile. “I met with you here to make an announcement,”

And then I notice it. I oftentimes see Se Na calm, but like I have said, her calmness today is too much. Too gloomy. Too…dark. What she’s about to tell us has something to do with her mood, definitely.

I see Hyunsik-hyung and Se Na exchange a look, and my hyung nods. What in the world is happening?

“It’s been here for a while now,” Se Na says after audibly, visibly taking a deep breath. “This has always been my problem, and I know it will stay that way. That’s unless I could find a solution, but that’s quite impossible as of now. I know, I’m just a newbie in your lives; I’m nothing to you, but I think you deserve to know, because I’ve treated you like my new family now…”

 “Se Na,” Minhyuk-hyung’s voice has a reproaching edge to it. “You’re like a sister to us. Don’t say that,”

She just smiles weakly, dismissively. “Thank you, oppa.” And it goes straight to my heart in a painful manner. From the way she speaks, I could conclude that she has already practiced doing this speech so she would no longer cry in front of us. She slips the brown envelope across the table, and it stops right in front of me. She looks at me with a smile, and dammit, why did I think that liking this redhead was a good idea?

I reluctantly open the envelope, and I take out the paper inside it.

It’s a medical diagnosis.

Hyunsik-hyung, Ilhoon, and Changsub-hyung shove closer to me, to read. I hear them hold their breaths.

As I read, I hear the vague voice of Eunkwang-hyung, as if hearing him say it from afar, because the shock inside me overshadows everything else. “Se Na? Se Na what’s happening?” he says in a panicked voice.

Ilhoon curses under his breath, after recovering from what he has just read. “Se Na,” he slowly sits erect in his seat, eyeing her with angry, and confused eyes. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Holy—” Changsub-hyung deadpans, while he slowly passes the paper to the two oldest hyungs.

“You read what’s in there, yes?” she replies in a steady voice.

“Werner’s,” I mutter. “But Se Na—”

“My case is different. My organs slowly recover, unlike you. I show very little signs of it, but honestly, more than the Werner’s, I have a heart problem.”

“Se Na…” but it sounds more like a whimper, coming from Changsub-hyung.

“Which is why I collapsed at the set that one time.” She continues. “The doctor said it was just fatigue, but I told him to not tell you about how serious it actually was. I’m not trying to seem self-important, nor do I ask for your pity, but I’m here to let you know, should I ever depart sooner than you expect, you would know the cause.”

“Does…Does Sungjae know this?” Minhyuk-hyung inquires, incredulously, still perusing what’s on the paper.

The redhead glances at him with a steady gaze. “No.” and I feel like my world’s being shaken in slow, excruciating motions. How could I have ever seen this one coming? Se Na’s sick? What the heck? “And that’s also a point I’d like to make clear to you. Please, don’t let Sungjae know this meeting ever happened. I mean to tell him myself,” suddenly there’s a faraway look in her eyes, like she’s still uncertain of what she’s saying. “Don’t even drop a hint about this.”

“If Sungjae doesn’t even know this, then no one has ever known?” says Ilhoon. “Se Na, you should’ve told us about this earlier!”

I couldn’t agree more. But then on a second thought, Se Na can’t be told what to do. This is her life. Though we may say we are her friends simply concerned about her welfare, Se Na is too free-spirited to confide in any mortal man. Except maybe when it’s Sungjae, but now…

Se Na looks at the person to my right. “Hyunsik-oppa does.”

“What?” I actually squeak.

She nods, like that was no surprising thing at all. “I know you’re surprised, but, frankly, he was just the one I felt comfortable sharing the secret with…at least for a little while.”

But are you forgetting that I am here?

“He was the one who suggested that I tell you guys.” Her voice is as monotonous as ever. “He made me understand that you guys are concerned about me, too. And then I realized this is the least I could do, before I…leave.”

“You—” I breathe, a little shakily, a little angrily, a little incredulously; a little bit of everything all at once. “You—you’re not dying on us, please do tell me that.”

Se Na develops sudden interest in her cup, and clasps it with her hands. The dull smile returns to her face, and my worst fear is confirmed. “Oh, how I wish.”

---

Before we even know it, we have flipped our calendars and the year shows 2013. But what should have been a happy onset of the new year becomes the second, but definitely worse silent war of the pair of best friends.

Sungjae’s laughing loudly, but we’re all disturbed by it, as it is too forced, too artificial, too miserable. He has come into the room storming a few minutes ago, and, having told his tale, we’re all gathered here in the room to comfort our maknae.

“And how dare her,” he spits, with an angry laugh, swiftly wiping a hand down his face to get rid of the visible tears. “To even say that she did it for my own good? I’ve always told her before, haven’t I? That she keep no secrets from me! I know, I’m just a best friend—just a best friend—but oughtn’t I deserve better? A far better treatment than this? All this time I’ve been deluding myself that everything’s perfect, so dandy, so good—and then all of a sudden I just know she’s dying?” he hiccoughs. “Her spending more time with strangers than with her best friend was fine by me, but what the hell is this?!”

Minhyuk-hyung soothes his back, and tells him to drink the water to stop his coughing.

“Sungjae, Se Na may have her reasons.” Hyunsik-hyung tries to reason, and I stiffen, which I think the rest of us do, thinking that maybe he would tell that we had a meeting with his best friend, and knew of this before him. Oh no, if Sungjae knows that we know already, he won’t talk to us for at least a month.

“Like what, hyung? Like what?” Sungjae sniffs, and another great tear rolls down his cheek. Look, I’ve always known that their friendship bond is very strong, but seeing Sungjae break down like this and seeing his world practically shattering, is…unsettling. ‘Unsettling’ even puts that mildly. I’ve never seen Sungjae cry—well maybe only when he was on the verge of tears for once or twice, when he was overwhelmed by emotion—but this is totally different. Men seldom cry over women, save for when it’s their lovers we’d be talking about, but here’s the catch: the relationship of these two is just platonic. But standing here now, seeing Yook losing aplomb like this, makes me see my regard for Se Na too tiny in comparison to his. His love for her goes way beyond sibling, romantic, or platonic love. He loves her with all his heart and soul. “Making me look like a fool?” he snaps. “Hyung, was there something that was wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? Have I treated her wrongly? Was I—”

“Sungjae, for Pete’s sake, get a hold of yourself!” Ilhoon actually yells at how disoriented maknae has now become. “Se Na has reasons why she didn’t tell you just yet! Try to understand!”

“Oh, so now, you’re taking her side?” Sungjae stands from his seat, clenching his fists at his sides. Oh man, it’s so obvious what’s going to happen next. “Tell me, hyung, did you know this already? Am I the fool here?” then he snickers, seeing that Ilhoon’s stunned at his suggestion. “Oh, oh. Alright. So you do know. Why, has she taken advantage of you liking her—”

But he’s interrupted, for just then Ilhoon collars him. Here we all charge forward to hold the two maknaes back. “Leave that out of this,” he says with gritted teeth, and widened, glaring eyes. “Breathe another insult against that poor girl and I swear, I will throttle you.”

Sungjae eyes him back with equally flaring eyes. Maknae just grits his teeth with shaky breaths. An air of severe tension hangs above, stuffing the air out of the lungs of us spectators.

Eventually and surprisingly, Ilhoon’s hold on his only dongsaeng’s collar loosens. “Shouldn’t that have been your line?” the rapper’s tone goes back to its normal one. He removes himself from our grasps and turns on one heel. “Go to sleep. When you’ve  collected your wits, talk to her. This could be her fault, but it doesn’t pay to go wasting everyone’s time wallowing with you just because you’ve been wronged.”

Sungjae slumps back on Hyunsik’s bed on a seating position, his breathing ragged, his face pale.

“Are you…okay?” I finally get the nerve to ask.

He blinks once, twice. “I’m going to sleep,” he declares, climbing up to his bunk, and for the first of times, the familial peace of our dorm has been disturbed by a feud.

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you were surprised because I updated, huh? me too! hahaha! I just updated because it's my birthday LOL

I had so much fun writing this chapter. I don't know if you like it, but please do tell me what you think. FNF is starting to "get back on track" hehehehe wenk wonk happy birthday to me lol

comments are loved! just tell me what you think that's all I ask for my day XD

wenk wonk until the next update!!!

-b