성재:  Not being with Se Na isn’t exactly unbearable. Why, after all, each of us has our own lives. Although I’ve spent most of my lifetime with her, and she’s something my day should always be a part of, I can still handle five days of not being  with her. Maybe you can say that I was forced to bear this feeling ever since our separation for two years.

The concert’s ended and we’ve congratulated ourselves for a performance well-done, and in truth we’ve been having a grand time here in Singapore. We’re having one more free day and the day after that, we’ll take off back to Korea.

As much as I want to say that I’ve given Se Na a call ever since we came here, truth is, I haven’t. She’ll understand, although every night I’d think about what she’s doing, if she has eaten, or what. Besides, we’re too busy. Hours and hours of rehearsing and would only have breaks if we need to have dinner or just a water break. I couldn’t cease wondering what’s happening back there in Korea.

It’s our free day now, as the concert was yesterday, and I’ve proposed to the hyungs that we have a whole day of gallivanting to ourselves, since we’re free to do whatever we want. However, how excited I am is how lazy they are. Leader-hyung, Squirrel mom, Hyunsik-hyung and Changsub-hyung all decline, reasoning that they want to sleep because they’re still tired from yesterday’s concert. I try convincing them for like ten times but still, no would budge. So as usual it’s the maknae line going again.

“The weather’s warmer here, don’t you think?” Ilhoon-hyung notions, fanning himself with a hand to prove his point.

“Right,” I agree. “Where do you want to go?”

My two hyungs immediately answer, “Mall!”

So there. We go to the mall. Actually, my real reason why I wanted to go somewhere today is to buy something, specifically as a souvenir from here to be given to my best friend. She didn’t ask for anything, but I just want to give her one. As we walk across the mall for more than once we catch several heads turning at the sight of us, and this is quite fun, actually, since in Korea this doesn’t really happen. Well, we are known, but maybe…we’re just more known overseas.

“Want to buy something for the airport fashion, hyung?” I ask my hyungs who are walking with me.

“Me.” Ilhoon-hyung answers.

Donggeun-hyung shrugs. “Maybe, if I can find something that suits my taste.”

“You? What are you going to buy?” Ilhoon-hyung queries.

“A gift for Se Na.”

Amused by something I don’t know, Peniel-hyung smiles, “I had the exact same thought in mind,”

“Aha, so that’s why, huh!” I laugh. “What are you going to give her?”

Thinking for a while, hyung replies, “I have no idea. I’ll know it when I see it. What does she like, though?”

Of course there’s only one answer to this question. Hot sauce. However that’s not something you’d like to be the cause why an airport security crew would raise their brows at you for bringing back home. Fire Tooth. What does Fire Tooth like? “She isn’t really choosy. As long as she knows it comes from the heart,”

“Deep.” Hyung chuckles. “Pillow? Stuff-toy? A Merlion figurine? Will she like any of those?”

“Merlion figurine, maybe.” I laugh.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Peniel-hyung nods with a smile.

Our first stop is to buy Ilhoon-hyung clothes. Since it takes quite a while for that, we choose to do the one that takes the longest first, so our other priorities later would take just a little time.

“So Ilhoon-hyung, how did your date with Se Na go?” I ask, remembering I have to do so, after days of delay. He hasn’t elaborated much about it before, and whenever my curiosity strikes me, he wouldn’t be around to satisfy it.

Ilhoon-hyung scans with one hand a rack full of plaid shirts. “Oh, it was fun. Se Na’s livelier than I thought,”

“Definitely,” I assent. “She’s even noisy sometimes. The talkative type of noisy,”

“She was a bit like that during our date. I thought it would be all awkward and quiet between us but no—Se Na knows how to carry a conversation and easily start a new one. She knows how to make people comfortable. At first she was just being the average Se Na I encounter during the day but…hah, it’s really different when you’re alone with her,”

Here I unconsciously look at Peniel-hyung, who’s had many alone moments with Se Na. His face just puts on its usual neutral expression but something tells me that he knows what Ilhoon-hyung is talking about. In fact he even knows what it feels like. Then it strikes me: what do they talk about when they’re alone? Flirting? But Se Na isn’t…really…like that. She’s not like that, right? I know Se Na well. As far as I’m concerned she wouldn’t flirt with a guy she likes face to face—she even gets embarrassed when I bring up the topic that she likes hyung, see.  But wait, what topic could they possibly talk about? The Lunch Box? Then they’d grow tired of it easily, since that is the only common denominator (I think) that they have. Do they talk about me? If so, what does Se Na say about me? What does hyung say? No idea. Or do they talk about things that are just random? How do they do that? I try to put myself in hyung’s shoes. How would I talk to Se Na if I’m not as close to her as Sungjae is? Would I feel empty-handed that I’ve no idea what her interests are? Should I ask about it? How?

The feeling is somewhat unnerving to me. Imagining a world not being familiar with Se Na would be suffocating. I can’t imagine how it is like to be my other hyungs—wow, how do they manage? Because until now I still labor under the delusion that Se Na shares her secrets and thoughts to me and only to me. Is that still effective now? Probably it is. It takes an awful lot of time for my best friend to trust a person enough. But then…maybe her world’s gone bigger now? Maybe I’m not the only one anymore who’s qualified to keep her secrets? How much have my hyungs known about her? Has she shared her history with them? Have they listened to the story firsthand? How much does Ilhoon-hyung know about Se Na?

How much does Peniel-hyung know about her?

Those thoughts put me in a trance that I almost lose track of the conversation. How long I’ve been pondering over that I don’t know, but thankfully Ilhoon-hyung is still telling his story when I awake from my cogitation.

“…so when she saw it she was wearing this face of hesitation. I asked her if she wanted one, and she answered happily that she did, and off I went to buy both of us ice cream.” Ilhoon-hyung continues. “And chat continued, yada-yada-yada; and then we went to a toy shop because I wanted to give her a souvenir for our date.”

“Really Romeo there, Ilhoon,” Donggeun-hyung muses.

Ilhoon-hyung ignores this and rolls his eyes with a smile. “That was when our serious talk happened. She chose a huge fluffy elephant stuffed doll and seemed really drawn to the thing that I bought it. While we were choosing, though, I had an interview with her and—wow, she did talk a lot,”

”What’d you talk about?” my other hyung inquires.

“Oh, we ended up philosophizing about wishes. Says she doesn’t believe in it,”

“Really?”

A nod. “I asked her what she really wanted, and she just answered that she just wants everyone she loves to be alright.”

“Hmm, typical.” Peniel-hyung says.

I’m just listening to them, really. “But she was quite touching. Her answer was banal but the way she expressed it was smart.” And then hyung grins when an idea strikes him. “Well she’s a writer after all.”

We all agree on this remark, while choosing a pair of pants that would suit the shirt that hyung chose. We’re a little silent during that but the opportune moment comes and I ask Ilhoon-hyung, “How’d your date end, hyung?”

Jung peruses through the pile. “Oh, I brought her home. But before that…” he falters, and at first I think that he’s just lost in picking which pants to choose, but when I see his face there’s a rubicund trace on it. Like he doesn’t want to say something. Either that or he doesn’t know how to put it into words.

“What happened?” I say.

It doesn’t sound, but I think he sighs before he says, “I ‘fessed.”

And then we’re silent. I think it’s five long seconds before Peniel-hyung reacts, “You what?”

My younger hyung takes out the pants from the pile and shoves it against his arm, where the shirt is already hung. “Well it was nothing! I just wanted to…you know!” he says, the red of his face now more obvious.

If I’d say Peniel-hyung didn’t react the way I want I myself to react, I’d be lying. As much as I want to laugh at Donggeun-hyung’s flabbergasted (and slightly pissed) face there’s also an upsetting feeling inside me. At first I think maybe it’s because I ship my best friend with Peniel-hyung but I realize that that’s not the case. It’s something else. It’s impossible, but Se Na being swept off her feet by someone (example: Jung Ilhoon) doesn’t make a pleasing mental picture to me. But after all, we’re not kids anymore. Se Na’s grown into a beautiful young lady and she’s not the same disheveled lass I used to play Gonggi with. That she isn’t anymore the bratty toddler I would roll with on the grass of the field of our school. She’s Pyo Se Na in all her beauty now.

How quickly we forget.

“So…so how did you…?” I ask, not even able to finish it because I’m pretty sure it’s awkward for hyung.

“Well it was just,” hyung tries. “Well,” he tries again. “Ugh. We were talking about people who like her and then I just blurted out, ‘Me. I like you.’ Well that’s much it! No big deal!”

I take a look at the oldest among us three and he says nothing, but his face gives it all away. How can that be not a big deal? You confessed to Se Na you—you—slob. You freaking confessed to the girl I like! What he's thinking is written all over his face. The way Donggeun-hyung’s nose flares—oh my gosh, he looks funny. So this is how he looks like when he’s jealous? This revelation must have pulled some strings on him. I can even see that the rising and falling of his chest has gone more rapid, like his breathing rate has increased.

“So how did Se Na answer?” I reply, seeing that Donggeun-hyung looks like he’s going to spit fire on someone’s face if ever he’s going to open his mouth.

Ilhoon-hyung seems blind to Peniel-hyung’s face of fury. “Oh, she was shocked. She tried to laugh it out but, heh…she knew I was serious. I think I really shocked her with that.”

Oh damn right you are, Jung Ilhoon. Peniel-hyung, seriously, I can hear your thoughts from here! “Did she tell you she likes you back?” I ask some more, trying my hardest to make Ilhoon-hyung just look at me because I don’t want him seeing the way my other hyung is looking at him now.

“Well, she did, but of course not in the way like I do.” If only glaring could burn, probably Ilhoon-hyung has been reduced to ashes by now, seeing how strong all these invisible glare-waves that come from Donggeun-hyung’s eyes are. Everything strikes me as hilarious—the way Ilhoon-hyung innocently shares to us all this, and how Peniel-hyung seems to be exhaling smoke from his nostrils. “But hey, I told her it’s alright. She doesn’t need to return my feelings, really. And it’s not like I’m in-love with Se Na or anything. It’s just a crush, that’s all.” As if he knew the remedy all along, Ilhoon-hyung splashed a bucket of ice-cold water onto the pile of red-hot coals also known as Peniel Shin. This eases the latter now, and I feel his aura relax a tad bit and now I can feel the atmosphere being breathable all over again.

But I can’t ignore the fact that Ilhoon-hyung looks at me weirdly when he says the phrase ‘in-love with Se Na’.

“She was relieved at this, and you know what’s really nice about her? She’s not like those other girls that freak out over-reacting when someone confesses to them. She was fine with it. Totally.” Jung adds.

“Good.” Shin remarks, finally. There’s a content edge to his voice. Ilhoon-hyung notices this, but he just smirks, because maybe he knows that Peniel-hyung likes Se Na too…?

With Ilhoon-hyung’s clothes done, we proceed to a toy shop. Seriously, Peniel-hyung takes so long in choosing (not to mention he seems to be having fun playing with the sample toys in the shop) that I excuse myself for a while to buy my gift for Se Na.

I’m really quick in buying it, as I’ve already had in mind what I’m going to give her. I think of a sweater that’s purple (Se Na’s favorite color) but then I find something better—a purple hoodie with white cat ears on its hood. Se Na has always called me a cat (because I don’t have double eyelids) so this is like double kill. It’s purple and catty. I’m very sure she’ll like this.

Upon my return to the toy shop I think—finally—Peniel-hyung has bought a gift for her. It’s a gigantic (really close to life-size) Stitch toy and that is just very Peniel-hyung himself; he can imitate the voice of that character, actually. Just when I thought I’m the only one with the expedient gift here.

I laugh when I see it. “Hyung, Se Na’s gonna drown with that,”

“Plus the elephant stuff-toy I gave her? Peniel-hyung, she will. She really will,” Ilhoon-hyung cackles too.

“Nah. I’ll worry about that later.” While he hugs it he looks at the toy whimsically, and I see that his face is so tender—so endearing, that I think hyung really did look for this, and that he hopes she’ll like it. “Hi, my name is Stitch!” Donggeun-hyung lends it with his voice, modulating it to make it sound like he’s Stitch himself.

Us, the dongsaengs, laugh. This talent of his never fails to awe us.

When we get home we see that the hyungs have gone to the spa (I playfully punched Hyunsik-hyung in the arm for this) and that they’re sitting pretty like queens in our room when we get to the hotel.

“Donggeuni, what is that…?” Minhyuk-hyung asks, mouth agape for a long time as he eyes the giant hyung has dragged in.

“Why, hyung, this is Stitch.”

“No, I mean… What are you going to do with that?”

“Use some context clues, hyung,” Changsub-hyung laughs. “That’s for our muse back there in Korea,”

Minhyuk-hyung nods. “I see.”

“And you, son, what did you buy?” Eunkwang-hyung looks at Jung Ilhoon.

“Clothes.” The other answers. “I figured I need some sassy clothes for the airport fashion,”

“And you?” leader turns to me.

“Oh, a hoodie for Se Na.”

“Can we see what you bought?” Hyunsik-hyung asks us, and we oblige. Ilhoon-hyung is told that those kind of clothes kind of look foreign on him, although it’s still good. Se Na’s hoodie got accolades of coos (all because of the cat ears) and to sum it up Minhyuk-hyung says we really did enjoy our day-out.

Later we’re all busy talking about stuffs, about our insights in the concert, how our day-out went, and practically just everything we could think of. However while we’re at it Hyunsik-hyung excuses himself and goes to their room to get something, and then I go with Ilhoon-hyung when he goes to theirs, leaving the other four chatting.

“Why’d you come with me here?” Ilhoon-hyung asks me.

“Oh, it’s too noisy there. I want to call Se Na.”

He just nods and starts with what he wants to do—that is, playing this game on his phone that he’s been slightly addicted with these past few days.

So I try calling my best friend. At first her line’s unattended, and then I try for another thirty minutes. When I dial her number, it says it’s being used. I imagine her calling having a conversation over the phone with someone else other than me—no. Wait. Se Na isn’t really like that. Maybe Father Hong? But then even after thirty minutes of trial of calling her, I still can’t contact her. They can’t possibly have a conversation that long, right? On average when you talk with an important person the maximum time you can get is ten minutes. And for someone like our president, I don’t think he can ever spare even just half of that.

Thoughts start to crowd my head. I even start to question about Se Na’s safety, but then I comfort myself. She’s alright. She should be.

“Hyung, I’ll use the balcony, is it alright?” I ask for permission. The passage to their balcony is closed—curtains, glass doors and all.

“Sure.” he answers without even paying me a look.

When I go out to the terrace what I see is Singapore at dusk; a purple sky stretching before me that’s slowly coursing into the night’s dark blue, dotted with orange city lights here and there. It’s so picturesque. When I look down I am several floors high up the ground; people look like ants from here. When I look to my left I see the empty terraces of the unoccupied rooms of the hotel. Then when I look to my right, the terrace next to where I stand is open, its passages I mean—and I see that the curtains are dancing because of the wind. That’s Hyunsik-hyung and Changsub-hyung’s room. I wonder where could Hyunsik-hyung be, since I know he’s in there but why isn’t he closing the doors to the terrace?

Next to that, is another balcony and—oh, I’m not alone outside. At the balcony of our room there is Peniel-hyung, overlooking the city, doing the same thing as I am. I call him, my voice aloud. “Hyung!”

I feel my voice is being gusted away by the wind but gladly, a little bit reaches him. He turns his head and smiles when he looks at me. Yes? I see him mouth.

“Is Hyunsik-hyung there?!” I yell over, gesturing at our room.

Mwoh? He mouths. Again?

“Is Hyun—” then I stop, when I see that he’s holding his phone. I call it. Sensing that someone’s calling him he looks down on the screen, and laughs before he answers.

“Yeah?” he says.

“Hyung, is Hyunsik-hyung there in our room?”

He glances at the room inside and then shakes his head. “No. Why?”

“It’s just that…the balcony of their room is open. It looks so exposed. I think he should close it.” I say, looking at the room terrace separating us.

“Oh, is that so? Maybe he’s just inside. Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

“Okay.” Then an idea strikes me. He’s holding his phone. And he’s outside. Probably he was having the same intention as me? To call Se Na? “Hyung.”

“Yeah?”

“Were you talking to Se Na a while ago?”

Across the wide space, I see him throwing a confused look at me. “No. But I’ve been trying to, but she’s not available. Were you talking to her?”

This makes me even more worried. Where could Se Na be right now? “No,” I gulp. “Hyung, I’m worried,”

“Why?”

“Se Na. I can’t…contact her.”

He understands, that his face reflects my worried expression. “She’s fine, don’t worry. I’m sure she’s—”

Just in time, someone emerges from the inside of the room in between us. With his muscular arms and slit-like eye smiles, Hyunsik-hyung walks out to their terrace, laughing and giggling with his phone in hand, a bitten apple on the other. “Really? You met him? So how was he like?”

Peniel-hyung and I exchange surprised looks.

“Oh, then I’ll challenge him the next time I go there to the skate park. What? Of course I’m already good at it, what are you talking about! I’ll even show it to you when we get back to Korea,” he takes another bite and laughs while he chews. “Seriously! We promise that, Se Na; sure, as soon as possible! So I’ll prove you—oh, hi, Sungjae!” he waves when he sees me.

What in the world? So Se Na was talking to Hyunsik-hyung these past minutes?

“Se Na, Sungjae’s here! Sungjae say hi!” he displays the phone in the air, to which I just dumbly wave to, still not over the false alarm. “Sorry he’s a little far away from me now. He’s on the terrace. Where am I? Oh, in terrace outside our room! it’s really nice here. The view—oh…?”

“Sungjae.” I  get startled when someone whispers on my ear, and that’s when I realize that Peniel-hyung and I are still on-call.

“Y-yes?”

“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“Absolutely.” I answer.

Rough sounds come from the other end as Peniel-hyung laughs, and I hear him call over to our hyung, “Hyunsik-hyung!”

In front of me, I see the guy turning his head to the right. “Se Na! Peniel is on my right! Peniel say hi!”

“Hi, Se Na!” I hear Donggeun-hyung’s greeting. I even see him wave from across. Then Hyunsik goes back to talking to Se Na. He’s too absorbed in talking to her that he ignores us. “Sungjae?” Peniel-hyung says to me.

“Ah?” I see him laughing.

“I feel stupid,” followed by some more laughter.

I don’t know why, but I feel pretty stupid too myself, that I laugh. “Why?”

“Nothing. It’s just that,” hyung laughs. He doesn’t even need to continue it. I know what he means. We’re both obsessing over Se Na that we freak out when we don’t get a response from her.

We both laugh, and in the process of it, we end the call together, and I go back to our room to meet him up there. We both come inside laughing—him coming from the terrace and me from outside, that the hyungs pay us a questioning look when they see us.

“That was epic,” Donggeun-hyung says breathlessly, holding on to his stomach.

“I know, I know.” I respond, with the same level of happiness.

We’re really more alike than we think, aren’t we?

The next day, we go back to Korea. When I see Se Na I sense a whole new feeling of relief inside me—it’s a new kind of relief that I can’t  name, and I don’t know, but she looks haggard and a little…older? It just seems like the right word. She gives us all a hug when we return but I’m pretty sure she clings to me longer.

“Jae…” she whispers in my ear. Oh how good it is to hear that voice again. But it sounds heavy. I think she’s just tired.

“I missed you, Fire Tooth,” I giggle.

She breathes, I think out of a smile, and replies, “Me too. I missed you so much.”

I ignore this some sort of weird tiredness in her aura and I say to her, when we go back to the dorm, “I have something for you. I’ll just show it to you when we get home. Let’s go!”

And she appreciates it very much, like how she would every time I give her a gift, but there’s still something about her that I can’t identify. It’s something spiritually heavy. It’s weird, really weird. But I ignore this, although this continues for the days that follow.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

OH HIIIII ~

uh, guys, we'll be having our finals on Monday! I'll be back on either the 5th or 6th of March. please pray for me! hehehe

anyway guess which idiot decided to make a caricature on her fanfic. that's something I'll leave you while I'm gone. I'm sorry it's not...good -__-

anyway if you're going to miss drollface (or her writing), remember this is always open. hehe.

I had fun making this chapter. srsly. I kept on laughing.

so I hope you had fun too?

until the next update!

-b