프니엘: I remember having asked Se Na once, if her family used to reside in the States, where was it? She answered that she didn’t know; saying that she had once asked her aunt but could not remember the answer. As I further pressed on with this topic, I asked her if she had memories of her parents. She answered that she did, though very, very vague.

“I remember warmth,” she stated dreamily with a smile while we were alone, as I took her home, that one solemn night. “A pair of happy faces beaming down at me with pure joy. The memories are very blurry, but whenever I look at old photos of Umma and Appa I try to paint those faces into the withered canvas of my memories. I can also remember a few things…like playing with a kid, while we were there—goodness knows where that there is—there was this boy that was our neighbor…I think? We used to play, though he was a bit older than me. That’s as far as I can remember. The rest of that is a continuum of black nothingness; like I have this memory gap in between, until Sungjae filled the rest.”

And since then I have always wondered, or perhaps I’ve always had, but just never admitted so, because such action is congruent to admitting that I envy Sungjae.

What would it have been if I were Se Na’s best friend?

How different would things be? How will she treat me, how will she see me?

How would it be like if I came into her life first?

Would I get those good night kisses before she leaves; the feeling of separation anxiety, the daily event of practically pummeling each other as a sign of affection? How will it be like to see myself as her best friend, her father, brother, and maybe soon enough…lover?

Why did it just have to be Sungjae, and not me?

“Hyung!” Sungjae grins at me with so much energy, the wicked thoughts are expelled out of my mind in an instant. He’s talking to someone on the phone. “Se Na’s asking if she could come here. Can she?”

I have to double-take, since a part of me is chastising myself for hating such a faultless boy. Sungjae did nothing. Our fates were already drawn together by God; woven together in a manner this boy did not even had a hand in. It wasn’t me, and it will always be that way.

 It still stings, though.

“Why, sure! Dad would love to meet her!” I answer with a convincing smile.

“Okay!” he rogers, and goes back to talking to the girl.

“Who’s Se Na?” beside me my father asks, with genuine curiosity.

“Our friend, dad; she’s a trainee but she’s really close to us. She’s the lead female character in our mini-series,”

“Interesting,” my dad nods. “Is she, by any chance, the girl you were talking about?”

My face sort of turns hot at this, and my dad grins mischievously at the blush on my face. Here Sungjae rises from his seat to wait for Se Na outside, which buys me at least three seconds of not answering my dad’s question.

“I know that look, Donggeun,” my dad chuckled. “Remember that I’m your dad; I can tell,”

Since we were speaking in English, the other guys at the table had no idea what we were talking about, and besides they were absorbed in their own respective conversations, so I felt quite safe. Man, if dad was speaking in Korean and laid it on thick, the members would agree right then and there and laugh on my face.

I look down on my lap. I do like her.

After about the quarter of an hour the restaurant’s doors open and comes in Se Na, with her best friend leading her from behind, holding her by the shoulders.  Here I rise from my seat and introduce her to Dad, who also followed my example. “Ah, dad, this is our friend, Se Na,”

Without even stopping to look at my dad she immediately bows (Se Na once told me she was curious as to how either of my parents looked like so now she must’ve had fed that curiosity), greeting, in a somewhat flattering way, “Annyeonghaseyo, I’m Pyo Se Na; I’m very humbled to have the pleasure of meeting you, sir,” when she stands straight again I see a split-second evolution take place in her face; at first there’s a genuine smile, and then that smile is wiped clean off her face, until she turns pale.

I look at my dad, and his face has suddenly turned serious, like something is the matter. His mouth has formed in a straight line.

Though I don’t really know what’s going on, I proceed to tell Se Na, “Have a seat!” and she does, though Sungjae has to make her.

“Have you eaten? Go buy something,” Sungjae recommends, to which Se Na shakes her head at.

“A-ah, I-I’m alright,”

“So Se Na is your name, young lady?” my dad finally says to her, and I think I’m not imagining when I say she actually yelped.

“Y-yes, s-sir,” Se Na timidly nods. What’s wrong with her? I’ve never seen her getting this nervous. Or no wait—I’ve never seen her nervous. “P-Pyo S-Se Na,”

“I see.” There’s also something strange about dad. “It’s strange, though, you seem quite familiar. Have we met before?”

Sungjae is looking at her weird, wondering about the same thing as me. “P-perhaps, sir,”

Still seemingly ill-pleased about something, my dad purses his lips. Is the sight of Se Na not good to him? “How did you become friends with these guys?”

“Well, I…” she has to look down on the table to think. “I kind of transferred here to Seoul and by some weird—I mean surprising, turn of chances, I’m here right now,”

“Are you good to everyone?”

What’s with all this Twenty Questions? “I have a good relationship with everyone, sir.”

Dad still eyes her inquisitively, and Se Na looks like she’s going to melt. However, contrary to my expectations the next question does not come, and Dad turns to the other guys.

To cut the long story short, he does small talks with them for another half an hour before he leaves the restaurant, never again paying attention to Se Na. And on the other hand, seems like the girl is better left when my father is not paying any attention to her.

Honestly, it bothers me why Dad seems to be like this to Se Na. For the next two days that my dad stays here in Seoul, whenever Se Na and him would interact, I could see something change in him—his aura. It doesn’t exactly turn dark, but it undergoes just enough change for me to consider it’s cold. I was somehow expecting that he would take especial interest in Se Na since, well, he might be curious about the girl that I like, and that he would treat her a bit more nicely than this. I’m kind of disappointed, really.

Se Na doesn’t try to please Dad, either. Whenever my dad’s around Se Na’s high spirits would lower immediately, and she’ll switch to this timid young lady from the bold, animated girl I am accustomed to seeing. She would become visibly ashamed of something unknown, and when I try to ask her, or even just drop a hint about my curiosity why she’s really awkward, she would dismiss the topic quickly, not even satisfying my inquiry.

“Son,” my Dad says just before he gets off the cab, when we reach the hotel he is staying in.

“Yes, Dad?”

“We’re gonna have a little talk tomorrow.”

A thousand morbid things crowd into my mind, and I think of what possible wicked thing I must have done for him to especially allot a time for a ‘little talk’. Judging from the tone of his voice, this must be pretty serious.

“About what?” I ask.

He hops off, and I live in bewilderment for the rest of the night when he drops the hint, “About your choice of friends.”

On the morrow, it’s dad’s departure. Much to my surprise Se Na volunteers in going with me to take my father to the airport. I’m kind of touched at this act of hers that I agree straight away.

I decide to spend the few remaining minutes with my Dad. While we wait for the boarding time, he requests me to buy coffee for him, Se Na, and me.

I kind of give Se Na the “are you going to be okay?” look before I go, and she gives me the affirmative through a subtle nod. Though quite reluctantly, I sort to go buy us some drinks. It takes me quite a long while to do so.  All the while I’m thinking what could they be talking about?

“Here! Sorry it took me late,” I announced upon my coming back, holding up the cups of drinks and a few snacks. Right at my arrival I notice something differ in the air between them, and to say that I am weirded out would not even put it. There’s some sort of a more comfortable Se Na now, and she’s smiling with this sort of humility evident in her eyes and face.

“Thanks, Donggeun.” Dad says as he hands us the cups.

“Thank you, sir,” Se Na says with a shy smile. It’s adorable and weird and cute at the same time with her being like this.

“Really, Se Na, you need not call me that,” Dad chuckles, the most carefree manner he had ever regarded Se Na with this whole time. “Call me ‘samchon’,”

“Samchon?” Se Na looks down, shyer and shyer by the second.

“Yes.” He smiles. “What do you say, Donggeun?”

I look at him while drinking from my cup, and after the last swallow I answer, “Sure. It sounds better than ‘sir’.”

“Samchon…” Se Na mutters slowly, and then turned to Dad with a somehow child-like smile. “Samchon. I like it,”

“That’s great, then.” He smiles back. “By the way, Se Na, you kind of remind me of some neighbors we’ve had before,”

Apparently this arouses her curiosity. “Really, samchon? How so?”

“We had some Korean neighbors before, and we were quite the family friends. Donggeun used to come over to their house frequently to play with their child,”

I snap my head at Dad’s direction. “I have no memory of that incident,” I state, brows scrunched together.

“You do, son. Try to remember harder.” He laughs. So I do as he says, and indeed, a few fragments of memories rush into mind. They’re very vague that I feel kind of frustrated, because I can remember a certain playmate when I was a kid. But I think our friendship kind of only lasted for a very short while; a few months, perhaps—as they had moved somewhere and I never saw that kid again. “But they only lived next door for like a two years or so since the couple was business-people; they returned to Korea and, well…I never heard from them again,”

“Do you remember their names, samchon?” she inquires.

“Hmm…not really. It’s was more than a decade ago,”

“Even just their family name?”

Dad opens his mouth to answer but he’s cut off before he even starts, as the boarding of the plane where he is to be is announced all over the airport. Instantly forgetting that a question was left hanging, the three of us stood up, and Appa picked up his hand-carry luggage. “Uh-oh. That’s my cue,”

I feel my heart sink a bit, as this is one of the saddest realities of my life. I have to be away from my family in pursuit of my dream. “Let me walk with you,” I suggest, to which Dad agrees.

“It was such an honor to have finally met you, Mr. Shin,” Se Na bows, with a humble smile. “And you’re my samchon now,”

“I am also pleasured, miss Pyo,” Dad smiles, and puts his hand on her head. “It’s very good to see a young lady exercising justice in her simple ways,”

Se Na’s face turns pink at this. “I’m still sorry, samchon,”

“Don’t be, Se Na. I understand. Be a good girl, okay? Work hard,”

“Yes, samchon,” she nods. “You too. Stay cool,” she giggles.

I want to ask about what this inside joke is, but Dad turns to me already with a, “Let’s go?”

I’ve no choice but to nod. “Kaja,” I glance at Se Na. “Let’s walk Dad there,”

“Ah, aniyo. You ought to go with him. Just you. It’s a father-and-son kind of thing,” Se Na politely refuses.

“Okay then. Wait for me here,” I say, and together, Appa and I march forth.

“So what was it you wanted to talk to me about, Dad?” I ask. “About my choice of friends?”

“Oh, that?” he snorts, out of something charming. “I was just going to say Se Na is a very fine young lady,”

I scream internally, parental approval! “You really think so, Dad?”

“Ahuh.”

“And what was that justice thing you were talking about?”

He smirks. “Just let us keep it as something between us,”

I flatten my eyes. “I don’t want to live in the dark, dad.”

“Don’t worry; it’s nothing important,”

“Fine,” I sigh. “By the way, I kind of remember that Korean neighbors you were talking about. Their child was a girl…right?”

“Yep.” Here Dad has to bid me adieu as he has to board. “We’re here. Take care of yourself, okay?”

I nod. “I will.”

“Be a good dongsaeng to your hyungs and be a good hyung to your dongsaengs.”

“Yes, dad.”

“Okay then,” Dad hugs me, and a part of me dies a little inside. “Always remember we love you, Donggeun. If anything’s the trouble, we’re just a call away,”

“Love you too…” I reply in a very small voice.

When we draw out, he proceeds to board the plane, looking back with a smile before disappearing from my sight. When I go back to where our post had been, my walk is a little slow, and if not for Se Na’s comforting presence I’d be far sadder than I am right now.

“I envy you,” is the first thing she says in a nonchalant voice and folded arms when I stand before her again.

“Why so?”

“You’re sad because your Dad is leaving,”

“I don’t see how you’re supposed to envy that,”

“What I mean is,” Se Na sighs the emphasized word, as she motions for us to go. “You have a father to be sad about. You can still talk to him even when you’re away, you know,”

Oh. Now I get what she means. “Um…I’m sorry?”

“It’s okay; I’m already immune to it,” she smirks. And when we go out of the airport, the sky feels a little greyer, the air heavier, and happiness a little too impossible.

A little later, while we travel back to the city, I look up and see a plane gliding across the sky. I try to imagine that that’s where Dad is, and for some reason, I find some comfort in that thought. Se Na and I are the only passengers in the cab, both of us sitting at the backseat.

I think she notices my languidness that she offers a small smile, as she perches her hand on mine, as if to say, even without words, I’m here.

Smiling back, I give her my thanks.

Se Na slowly leans her head on my shoulder, and it stays there for the rest of the trip.

A few days later

“So what do you guys need? Helium balloons, right?” Se Na says without looking at me, as she’s busy looking for something in the rack.

“Yep. What do you think about party poppers?”

“Hmm…” she slowly brings out something from the pile of maps. “I think it’s cool. Why, it is a party after all, right?”

I bob my head. “A few of the fans will be there, too.”

“What about the cake?”

“Ah, Hyunsik-hyung and Manager-hyung are in charge of that,”

She shows me the world map she just picked. I look at it for a while, and then nod my head, with a thumb displayed up. Today Se Na asked me to go with her in buying a map and a few of her needs at home. “You know you guys are very practical. I like it,”

“Oh?”

“You’re going to celebrate Minhyuk-oppa and Eunkwang-oppa’s birthdays in a joint. I think it’s cool,”

 “Yeah. Besides, their birthdays are just exactly a week apart,”

“The more, the merrier?” she laughs.

“The more, the merrier.” I agree. Suddenly my phone rings. “It’s Dad.” I say. He doesn’t usually call me in this manner since overseas calls are a bit pricey, so this must be important then. I gesture at Se Na that I’ll go out to talk to Dad.

“Sure. I’ll pay for this anyway so I’ll just meet you outside,” she replies. With that, I go out.

“Yeoboseyo,”

“Hey, son!”

“Hi, Dad! Why’d you call me now? We’re supposed to have a conference later on the Web, right?”

“Yes, yes. But I have to tell you something that only you should know. I had to call before the thought flies out of my mind.”

“What is it?”

“Remember those Korean neighbors that I’ve mentioned to you about?”

“Ah, yes. What about them?”

“Well I remembered about them and asked your mom about them yesterday; asked her if she remembers the couple that used to live next door…in fairness your mom still knows their names,”

This is a bit of unimportant, really, but I’m half-curious. “What are their names?”

“Dong Nam and Hye Sun!” the realization takes very long to register, but when it fully sinks in, I almost drop my phone. “And they had a daughter that you were very fond of playing with, although…your mom forgot her name. But you and their daughter were really close playmates, your noona had to pick you up from their house for dinner,” Dad laughs, but he’s only amused by himself, as a very strong sense of ambivalence wells up within me. This ambivalence somehow gets pitched in my throat; that I forget how to breathe, suffocated.

Se Na. Their daughter’s name is Se Na, dad! I yell, but mentally, my voice failing to find its way out of my throat. The blurry memories of that playmate I was very fond of, comes to mind, now distinctly, and the frustration worsens.

“From what your mom told me, the couple left the States for a while to take their daughter to Busan, to be taken care of by the child’s aunt. But after their departure…we never heard from them.”

So, technically, I came to Se Na’s life first?

“Ah, by the way, their family name is Pyo. Try asking Se Na if she is related to them. Your mom’s also curious about where they are now,” the news freezes my ability to think, and I don’t realize that I haven’t been talking for a minute until dad’s voice wakes me up over the line. “Donggeun. Are you still there?”

“Y—” I clear my throat. “Yes.”

“Okay then. Ah, that was all I needed to tell you. I’ve got tons of stories to tell but I’ll save it for later.”

“O-okay.”

“Okay. Bye, Donggeun! See you later!”

And as the call ends, I’m left staring at my phone in utter disbelief, a sense of mingled pride, shame, and frustration taking over.

Just in time,  a redhead emerges from the doors of the store, waving a long scroll in hand, a few bags hung in her other arm. “Okay, I’m done!” when she stops in front of me she tilts her head, asking, “Why are you staring at me like that?”

My mouth opens, but words don’t come out, so I clamp it back down. I merely settle for,  “Nothing. Let’s go?”

Se Na nods. While we walk to the station she unrolls her newly-bought world map and examines it carefully.

“What did you buy a map for?” I ask, looking at her focused face. I don’t know why, but Se Na looks different to me now—well, in a manner that I’m now seeing her in a new light.

“Hmm…I got bored, so I’m learning Geography now. I want to well-familiarize myself with all these.”

“Oh.”

“By the way, where’s Chicago here?”

“It's in Illinois," I point, with a finger. "Here, east of Missouri."

“Ohhhh,” she breathes. A quiet moment passes between us for a deal of minutes. She doesn’t notice that I’m just staring at her as we walk.

It really could’ve been me, Se Na.

It should have been me instead.

“Se Na?” comes out from my lips mechanically.

“Yeah?”

“Chicago?”

She looks at me. After a while she says, “I know, Penpennie. You miss home.” With a tender smile.

“No, I mean—” come the words from a pit that I didn’t know even existed. “—you really don’t…”

A crease develops between her brows. “What are you trying to say?”

“I…” I swallow. “Nothing, nothing. You’re right. I just miss home,”

Good thing is she’s blind to my hesitation, so she just pays me a smile. “But Chungdam-dong is your home too, you know,”

“Hm-mm,” is all I assent with.

Se Na and I go to the dorm together, and I let myself walk behind her. As I stare at her back, I manage to imagine it as the back of a certain playmate I used to frolic with as a child; and it hurts, to the point that I couldn’t breathe. It turns, to look at me with a happy expression. It hurts, it really does, because that child’s smile is the smile of the girl I really like, her brown eyes twinkling with the undiminishing charm in them like this red-haired girl’s; and the child waves her arm calling out, “Donggeuni!” in the same manner Pyo Se Na does.