성재:  This is killing me.

First, my sister. Next, Se Na. Now, Ilhoonie-hyung? This is one of the many times in my life when I find myself asking, why me? And now the urge to apologize to Se Na is overpowering, and every time I remember that I come to the resolution of saying sorry. But every time I see that—holy moly man who wouldn’t be scared? I know her perfectly well, I knew her story, and me and my tactless nature brought me to this. How could I use that against her? I try to recall how it happened—it was all too fast, too smooth, and this is its result. This isn’t good.

“Be right back,” Se Na turns on one heel, but seemingly jittery, to escape from the awkward milieu as fast as possible. As soon as the door closes behind her Donggeun-hyung and I exchange looks, and I give him the expression of a worried, hesitant face. He gives me a look why are you like this? And, out of exasperation, he snorts in impatience and quickly follows Se Na.

Crap. Just crap.

When he’s closed the door behind him the five of us are left standing dumbly; the others are wearing a stiff expression. Then the first one to make a reaction is Changsub-hyung, turning slowly his head to gaze at me with a laughing expression to maybe ease up the tension, “Well,” he muttered. “That was awkward,”

My sight drops on the floor and my shoulders sag, sighing audibly and I march back to the room to get something. Eunkwang-hyung tows behind and when we’re in the room he tells me, “Sungjae,” he stoops down to his bed on the floor. “Come and help me,”

I turn my head. “On what, hyung?”

He slowly rolls the sheet covering it with his arms. “Let’s move the mattresses out come on; we’ll be sleeping outside,”

“Oh,” I nod dumbly. “Are we going to take out everything?”

Hyung thinks with a hand on his chin, sorting some thought in mind. “Let’s just take out three, plus this bed—” here he points his. “Will that be enough for the six of us?”

“I guess so,” I shrug.

“Good. Okay. Get Minhyuk’s mattress,” he instructs, and I do follow, or my body only does—because my mind is flying off somewhere, wondering what my best friend and my hyung are doing now, and where they are. It takes about thirty minutes to travel from here to Se Na’s apartment, on foot, and—

“Ow!” I yelp when I bonk my head against the bed of Donggeun-hyung, I rub the hurt part while looking at it. This is really getting out of hand. I shake my head vigorously, and will myself to concentrate on the task assigned to me.

It takes about an hour—well, that’s quick—for the pair to return and obviously Se Na has taken a bath. She’s slipped into her usual attire—sweats, and she’s wearing pajamas. Other people could’ve chosen a less homey attire but she doesn’t care, after all. “Done and done,” she announces upon seeing us, and her eyes widen when she sees the array of mattresses in the living room. A smile breaks out of her face, “Ooooh goody! Pajama party! Can I join?” she chirps happily, and—hah—she’s not kidding. She dives into the mattresses. Actually being a lonely child herself Se Na hasn’t attended any pajama parties—she was always confined in their home, alone, and oftentimes she’d already be asleep when Ahjumeoni’s come home. Or maybe there was once when she attended a pajama party—one that composed of me and her, when, after much persuasion by my mother, Ahjumeoni had allowed her to sleep overnight in our house. That was probably one of the best nights Se Na has ever had as a child.

“Ah, Jae! Jae! Look! There’s this really bright star outside!” Se Na pointed frantically by the window, when we were eight years old.

“Where?” I stood beside her, ducking a little and letting the cold wind blow on my face when I took my head out of the window. I turned to the right.

“No! There!” she angled my head with both of her hands, aiming it at the direction of where she was pointing to. “Have you ever seen anything brighter?” she grinned happily.

Well, the sun, I wanted to answer, but seeing her joy at that I decided to shut my mouth and shake my head slowly with a smile. “Come on; let’s sleep. We’re going to the beach tomorrow, remember? We should wake up early to prepare,”

Se Na puffed her cheeks in discontent but nonetheless agreed. “Fine,” she snorted. She dived onto the bed—my bed, and bounced on it with such happiness that now, looking back, I miss the Se Na that used to be like that. Sure, she hadn’t changed much, but back then she wasn’t really stressed out; we were still young, after all. Now, why oh why did we have to grow up?

“Kids?” Eomma peeked inside. “How’s it going?”

“It’s alright, eomma,” I turned to her, walking away from the window. “I told Se Na we should already sleep,”

“Is that so?” she smiled. “Good, then. It’s already eight-thirty,”

“Eommoniiiiiii,” Se Na waved from her position on the bed.

My mother walked into the room and sat beside Se Na on the bed. “Se Na-ya are you alright here?”

“Oh, yes, definitely,” my best friend grinned, teeth-out. “I’m just not sleepy yet. I want to playyy,” she pouted.

Eomma laughed. “Exactly why I prepared something for you,” she turned to me and said, “Sungjae-ya, get that tray outside, please,” with a requesting nod. I went out of the room and, indeed, there it was, on the table at the side of my door, a food tray with two glasses of milk.

“Here,” I said upon entering, carrying it to mummy. She gave one glass to Se Na, to which the girl happily took. “For you, son,” she passed one to me with a loving smile.

Together, my best friend and I drank it and Se Na made this “Ahhh,” sound when she was done chugging, like that sound you make when you’re satisfied with a drink. “Ahjumeoni, can I just live here forever?” my best friend jested, but I saw a shadow pass across my mother’s face for a very short second.

My mom laughed, and my best friend’s hair whilst she put the glass back on the tray. “We’ll tell your aunt that you’ll sleep over here next time around, Se Na-ya, not to worry,”

Se Na flapped her arms in delight. “Why’d you make us drink milk, eommoni?”

“So you’ll fall asleep dear,” she put a playful finger on my best friend’s nose. “Milk can help you sleep better. Moreover, it makes you grow tall,”

(And yes, my friends, that is how Yook Sungjae came to be a very tall man.)

“So I should drink milk the next time I find trouble sleeping?” my friend tilted her head.

“Yes,” my mum nodded, standing up. “Now you two go to sleep. Sungjae, take care of Se Na alright. You’re a big bro now,” she joked. “I bid you two good night; have a good rest, okay?”

“Okay,” I nodded.

“Ah, eommoni!” Se Na exclaimed before my mother could make her way to the door. To my mother’s surprise the child kissed her on the cheek with such a playful peck, it had her delighted. “Good night,”

“Good night too, Se Na-ya,” she gave her a brief hug, and, picking up the tray, inched her way to the door. “Night,” she greeted.

“Niiiiight,” my best friend and I replied, and she closed the door. When my mother was out I crawled into the bed. “Okay, kid, let’s go to sleep,”

Se Na cringed. “Look who’s talking. Hey, you’re a kid too!”

“Well I’m older than you,”

“That doesn’t make any difference!”

“I’m your big bro now, aren’t you forgetting? You should start calling me oppa, don’t you think?”

“No,” she stuck her tongue out and lied on the bed. “Sungjae-oppa? Nooooo,”

I sighed. “Let’s just sleep,” I lied on my side, burying one arm under the pillow, facing her. I make sure that the pillow in between us stayed in place. She was also facing me, closing her eyes in attempts to sleep. Though I didn’t admit it, I wasn’t sleepy too, myself. So I let myself stare at her face, the pretty contours of her mien; the curve of , the length of her nose. I am proud to have such a very beautiful best friend.

“Jae-jae,” her eyes fluttered open which quite startled me. I raised my brows. It took her a moment to fully construct what she was going to say. “I wish I could stay here forever,” she said in a timid, hushed voice, like it was a secret.

I didn’t expect it but a smile broke out of my face. “Even if a family is apart they’re still a family, Se Na,”

She paid me a bewildered look. “What are you saying?”

“What I’m saying is,” I put my hand over her eyes in a brotherly move to close them, gesturing her to go to sleep. “You’re a part of this family now,”

Her lower lip jutted outward whilst her eyes closed. Maybe she wasn’t really sure, but she smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, Sungjae,”

“Sure,”

“Do you think there are other people who are doing this, too?”

“Doing what?”

“Sleepovers.”

I chuckled. “Maybe, but there’d be too many of them that they can’t sleep.”

“Why?” she actually sounded like my little sister that I was giving a lesson.

“Because, they’ll be having a party. A pajama party,”

“Is this called a pajama party too? This—what we’re doing right now?”

I put this thought into account for a while. “Well a party consists of three or more people.”

“Oh.”

“But I’m already having fun, you being here,”

Se Na made this flattered hehehe giggle. “Do you think we could hold one of ‘em pajama parties too?”

“Maybe. We could invite some other friends. Why, do you have some people in mind?”

She was silent for a while, then she answered, “….No.”

“Well then,” I said with a resolute air. “Maybe someday,” though I secretly thought that that was quite impossible, since Se Na clings only to me and me alone.

“You’re right,” she muttered.

“Let’s go to sleep,” I closed my eyes. “Good night, princess.”

“Nightie,”

And apparently that someday is taking place now. Although somehow it’s slightly deviated from what we had talked about.

“Oh my—no! Sweetie, you can’t!” Minhyuk-hyung frantically picks her up from her position in the rows of mattresses. “You’re supposed to be in the room, we boys are going to sleep here!”

Se Na pouts. “Aww, men,” she stands up. “I wish I were a boy,”

Apparently leader-hyung finds this funny that he laughs. “Come on, Se Na. Just think of yourself as Snow White,”

“Snow White,” Se Na brays in confusion. “You mean I’m going to die because of an apple?”

“No! Come on, just think—you’re living with seven absolutely good-looking—”

“—dwarfs.”

We all break into a hearty peal of laugh, until squirrel mom shushes us that we could disrupt Ilhoon-hyung’s sleep. “Come along now,” Minhyuk-hyung leads Se Na to the room. “Let’s all go to sleep; filming continues tomorrow,”

“Fine,” Se Na snorts like a child bereft of its playtime. “’Night guys,”

“Jaljayooo,” everyone greets, except me.

A few minutes later Minhyuk-hyung comes out of the room and he tells that everything is prepared. Well, he’s prepared everything; that there’s a tray just above where Ilhoon-hyung is sleeping, and that’s where his meds are. He also said that Se Na is going to sleep on Sik-hyung’s bed.

“We should sleep now, too,” our mother instructs, and, though quite reluctant, we slip into bed—or beds, for this matter, and we go lights-out.

Our arrangement, from left to right: Me, Changsub-hyung, Minhyuk-hyung, Eunkwang-hyung, Peniel-hyung, then Hyunsik-hyung.

Two hours pass and almost everyone is asleep now, but apparently I can’t. Having assumed that maybe the one I’m beside with is already slumbering, I stir in my position, looking for a cooler side.

“Sungjae.”

I’m quite surprised at that. “Yes, hyung?”

 “How old is Se Na turning this December?”

“17,”

“Who’s older?”

“Between us? Me, of course.”

“Well then,” he turns to look at me, despite of the dark. “Sungjae, let me ask you a question,”

Here it goes. I want to pretend that I’m already asleep—snore loudly, whatnot, but I guess that it’s late for that now.

“Is it really fine with you that you’ll go on like this?”

Why of course it’s not. I want to lie, but that’s just…futile. “No…”

“You know, today I saw Se Na bonding with Donggeun,” I suppose he means this slyly but I’m corrected when he follows it with, “But it didn’t really seem right. Well…they do look good together, but Se Na…you’re her big brother. Best friend. Whatever. You know what, I have this story,”

“What is it, hyung?”

“I had this best friend before,”

“You’re not making this up just to stimulate my conscience, are you, hyung?” I counter with a laugh.

“Of course not,” hyung snorts, then goes on. “We were really close, but when middle school started we just went…estranged.”

A pause, and that’s when I decide to listen.

“The funny thing was it was a gradual process. No, we didn’t fight, we just…lost contact. And then there it was—before I knew it, we were at that stage where he and I would just be civil towards each other. It’s like nothing happened, at all.”

“Where is he now, hyung?”

“Oh, goodness knows. But when the news that I was going to debut in a group reached him, he congratulated me when we met. But you know what the thing was?”

“What is it?”

“I just felt very…lonely, when he was congratulating me. I thought about what really happened that we became estranged. The catch was, even, we didn’t fight. We just…lost interest. In what, each other? I will never know. But you know you should really be thankful that this is happening.”

“…why?”

“Because there’s still a chance that you can fix this.” His words jab me straight in the chest. “Look. I’m not pretending to be all-knowing here, but take this lesson from me. You can still fix this. At least, here, in your case, you know the cause. Unlike me—I will never cease to wonder why. And do you have an idea how it is like to miss a best friend? Now I have you guys, you’re my brothers, but there will always be that one person whom you could really have a unique bond with. I had lost mine. You…she’s just in this same house. Do you get my point?”

My throat starts to tighten. Good thing it’s dark now, so he can’t see that I’m about to cry. “Yes, hyung,”

“Good.” He sighs. “You really should, you know; you have no idea how hard it is for us to just watch you and not being able to do anything. You two…are just so proud. And apparently it’s a truth that is universally accepted that only you and Se Na can understand each other. No one understands her like you do. The same goes for her, when it comes to you. How long do we know Se Na? Weeks? Months? You…you’ve known her for a lifetime. We have no idea what the cause of this is, but we can see far greater than you imagine. I’m not pushing you or what, but regardless who the offender is, friendship is like a coin. Without one side…it doesn’t look right.”

I take a deep breath. Now I see the two of us with new eyes.

“Words are clumsy, but silence can also drive people apart.” Hyung intones. “Remember that, Sungjae.”

I can’t take it anymore.

In an abrupt movement, I rise from my lain position, and quickly stand up.

“Where are you going?” Changsub-hyung yelps.

“I’m going to fix something.” And, with such huge steps, I make my way to our room.

It’s funny to think that how long my walk there seems like.

With my phone in hand, I go into the room and there I see Se Na seated beside Ilhoon-hyung, her head angled down to look at her phone in hand. It’s clear despite of only the illumination of her phone available. Seemingly she’s reading something, busy, and when she hears the door creak she looks at me, but quickly avoids me and goes back to what she’s doing.

My resolution to talk to her crumbles. Instead what I do is that I climb up my bed (we didn’t remove the mattress of this one) and lie there. I have no idea what I’m doing, but all I know is that I’m taking one step towards peace.

“You can’t sleep here, you know,” she says angrily.

“I don’t care.” What am I saying? I thought I was going to make peace with her!

“Didn’t you hear what the doctor said? Mumps is viral. Even your hyungs are sleeping outside. Get out.”

“I don’t want to.”

I could feel Se Na’s sharp breathing. “If you’re doing this to aggravate me, not now. I don’t want to disturb Ilhoon-oppa’s sleep and I—don’t want to talk to you.”

Sitting up on my bed, I suddenly feel like challenging her. “I’m not aggravating you, nor do I have the intention of doing so.”

“Then get out.”

“Why are you like this?”

She takes this exasperated exhale. “You have the nerve to ask me why am I like this? Are you really that insensitive now that you’re still asking about it?”

“Look, Se Na, I—”

“—Really? You just really had to use that against me? You leaving me for two years was one story. Now you hitting me below the belt is just another! You were the only one who knew of that!”

“I was just having a bad day!”

“Did that give you the permission to injure someone like that? So will that mean that for every bad day you’re going to have, I will be the one who’s gonna shock-absorb all your bad vibes?”

This is getting out of hand. I thought I could take this, but…I was wrong. Horribly wrong. Backing away from the confrontation I get down from the bed, brushing past her, and get out of the room.

I walk straight to the kitchen, fuming, not because I’m angry at Se Na, but at myself. She does have a point. It was so simple, so easy, how our quarrel started, but clearly she took it on herself a bit harder than I imagined. Getting a glass from the dish-rack I look for water, and drink up.

It’s when I am chugging down the water that an idea strikes me.

Careful not to make any other loud noises, I push the door very carefully using only my elbow, as I am carrying something. She sees me, of course, and now she seriously looks like she’s going to spit fire at my face but she sees what I’m carrying, which makes her intrigued instead.

“I figured you couldn’t sleep. Me too. Milk, you like?” I try, in a steady voice, mingled with apology and effort.

She just scowls at me, but, knowing Se Na, she has this thing for offers. Not that I’m taking advantage of it, but this glass of milk is a token of apology. Like, peace offering. Yes, like that. She takes the glass from the tray which almost takes my breath away, but, in an agonizing moment, she just examines the glass, and for a second I think that she’s going to drop it on purpose, in expression of how much she hates me. “If you think that you could get me with a glass of milk,” she speaks, not looking at me. “I’m far better than that.”

“No!” I exclaim. “That’s not it! look, I’m sorry, okay? I know. That would be, I mean—is one of the worse things I could ever do to you; god, Se Na. If only you know how much I regret having said that,” Pausing for a breath, I construct carefully the sentence in my head. “I’ll never be able to take that back, I was very tactless, I’m sorry, but please—at least let me try to atone for it,”

She repays me with silence.

I don’t know how long I stand there knowing how much of a fool I will be if she doesn’t accept my apology, but I don’t care. Forgiven or not, my ultimate goal as of now is that to let her know that I regret what I had done. One, two, or maybe three? I hold my breath for like a lifetime and, finally, my agony ends in one simple action, coming from her.

“It tastes good,” Se Na says, after drinking the milk.

I just died.

I let out this lungful of air I didn’t know I’ve been keeping. Involuntarily, a smile spreads across my face, and happiness flutters again at the pit of my stomach. “I…I…” I stammer.

She stands and hands me the glass. “I can sleep now. Thanks,”

“I—I—I—“ I gasp for air again and again, like a retarded fish deprived of oxygen. “A-a-a-apology accepted?” I suggest, with a timid yet blissful expression.

“Just don’t do that ever again,” She snorts, but despite of the slightly dark room, I sense her smile by the sound of her voice. “Because honestly, that really hurt.”

“I—“ tears threaten to skid down my eyes, but I will them to stay in their ducts. “Oh, Se Na! I’m sorry!” I make these wild demonstrations with the hands (along with the tray) that my best friend laughs. “Are we friends again?”

“Friends?” she snickers, and my heart plummets down again. “We’re best friends, idiot.” She walks forward and hugs me. “Come here, you,”

It feels like I had never been happier. I stiffen in her embrace, but slowly, slowly, I return the hug.

“I missed you, Sungjae,”

“Me too!” I squeal. I act like a girl now but I wouldn’t really care. I have my best friend back!

Se Na draws out and gives me the glass again. “Hm, here. You should drink one too and go back to sleep,”

“Would I!” I exclaim in pure bliss. In jitters, I go to the kitchen, put the used items in the sink, and I go back to the room to bid her good night. Still shy to walk to her I merely peek my head into the room. There I see her already on Hyunsik-hyung’s bed. “Se Na-ya,”

She turns. “Hm?”

 “Jaljayo,”

She laughs. She knows how happy I am, definitely. “Jaljayo, Jae,”

Now I can sleep peacefully.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

IT'S POLL TIME!!!!

and, also, thank you for the comments! it makes me feel really humble. I feel more motivated in updating kkkkk arigatou gozaimasu minna-san !

so what do you think of this chapter? aww men why do these two have to make up WHAT ABOUT MY PENNA OMG

but I do hope you enjoyed ! tell me whatcha think!

I love you.

-b