"I'm in love with Lee Sungyeol."

Sungjong closed his eyes and leaned back on the padded wall. "Okay..." he nodded slightly, accepting my statement as one single tear slipped down his soft cheek. He quickly wiped it away. Suddenly the corners of his mouth turned up as he sniffed and wiped his nose. "Myungsoo," he said softly. "Why don't you think he likes you back?" He asked, his eyes sparkling as they met mine. "How do you know I mean?" It took a while for his questions to sink in. I was impressed. He had gotten over it so quickly.

"Are you okay?" I ignored his questions. I needed to know whether or not he'd go home and be sad. Whether or not he'd go home and cry. Whether or not he'll go home and cut. He nodded vigorously.

"I think.... I think I'll be fine." He sniffed again. "Now come on!" He said flashing me a huge, milky, white smile, "Answer meee!" He whined playfully. I giggled. He really was cute...

"I don't know," I said shyly. "Well, okay. Here's what happened." Suddenly I felt close to him. Like, really close. I wanted to tell him everything about Sungyeol. I wanted to tell him everything about my mother. I wanted to be there for him. Not only did I feel like I owed it to him, but I also admired how quickly he recovered from me admitting I like Sungyeol. "He ran to my house yesterday because he knows I don't like thunderstorms, and then he helped me write a letter to my mother, and then he slept over, but in the morning he was gone." Sungjong gave me an unimpressed look. "I mean, why would he leave so suddenly if he really wanted to be with me?"

He sighed and stood up to face me. "Yah! Are you stupid?" He smacked the back of my head.

"Aishhh!" I mumbled, rubbing where he had hit. "What then? What exactly am I missing?" I asked heatedly. He glanced down at his watch and gasped.

"! I'm late! Ughhhh but I want to talk to you more!!" He whined, "Walk with me." He said, pulling me out of the small room by my wrist. "So anyways, tell me again what happened yesterday, step by step."

"Well, I found a letter from my mom and tried to call him but he didn’t answer. It started to thunder and I freaked out but he came a few minutes later, saying that he ran there when he saw the rain."

"Stop," he ordered. "Think about what you just said. He ran to your house just to comfort you. Would he do that if he didn't like you?" He questioned. "I don't think so. Okay. Continue." Geeze he really is sassy.

"Then we watched TV for a bit," I paused, contemplating whether or not I should tell him about the kiss. I wanted to, but I was too scared it would hurt him. Finally, I decided that  this specific information could wait for another day. "And then he helped me write a note to my mother. He really helped me. Last time I tried to write back I...." I looked at my bandaged. He slowed his speed walking for a moment to look down at the giant cut. He gently slid his hand from my wrist to my palm so that he was holding my injured hand.

"So not only did he rush to comfort you, but he saved you from yourself." His tone was soft and sincere. Suddenly it switched back to his usual tone. "Seems like he doesn't hate you too much. But go on, I could be wrong." Sarcastic Sass Master Sungjong strikes again.

"Then he tucked me in and tried to leave, but I made him stay with me." I paused, "Oh god. He tried to leave. I should have known. Right then and there. He never wanted to stay. He never wanted to be ther-"

"Yah!" He yelled, snapping me out of my downward spiral. "Stop that. He likes you. It’s obvious." He stopped walking and grasped both my shoulders. "Just go for it!" He said, shaking me slightly. I giggled for a moment and then just looked at his smiling face. There was a familiar emptiness in his eyes.

"Sungjong," I said sternly, "I'm sorry. I never should have told you all of that stuff." I hit myself in the head. "God, how could I be so stupid!" I pointed my finger at him. "And why are you asking me about this? You should have stopped me before you got too hurt!" He grabbed my arm before I could use it to hit myself again. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Myungsoo, I'm okay. Did it sting a little to say he likes you? Yes. Am I gonna go home and hurt myself? No." I sighed in relief. The thought of him continuing to hurt himself because of me made my skin crawl. "I just want to see you happy. That’s all there is too it." I smiled and hugged his skinny waste.

"Sungjong-ah," I said into his ear, "you make me happy too, you know." I paused a moment, realizing that wasn't the case a few minutes before. "Well, now you do..." I added. We chuckled together then broke apart. "Don't you have somewhere to be right now?"

"!" he gasped. " it's already too late to catch a bus... maybe I can walk? But it’s pretty fa-" I grabbed his wrist and brought him to my car without speaking. He's so silly! I thought as we walked. I drive him to school almost every day. He should know I'd give him a ride!

When we finally approached the parked car, Sungyeol was leaning against it. His eyes were red and swollen. Had he been... crying? I quickly ran over to him. He looked down at my hand, which was still firmly attached to Sungjong's wrist. He scoffed and looked up at the sky, hiding his tears from us. Without saying anything he walked away calmly. All I could do was watch him go. My jaw dropped. I looked at Sungjong, desperate for an explanation. He shrugged with an apologetic look. I threw his hand out from mine and unlocked the car. If Sungyeol was going to have a fit for no reason, then I would let him have a fit. Suddenly I was more angry than upset or confused. I mean, he could have at least talked to me, right?

"Tell me where to go." I ordered. He directed me where to go without telling me exactly where we would end up. The majority of the car ride was silent. Neither of us knew what to say after the incident with Sungyeol. Was he mad because I never gave him a ride home? Was it because Sungjong was there? I drove furiously, not caring where we ended up. I just wanted to get away. Suddenly, I realized that we were headed into the heart of the city. The "bad side of town" if you will. 

"Are you sure we're going the right way?" I asked. He nodded and told me to pull over to the beat up house on the left. 

"Stay here, I'll be out in 10 minutes. I promise." He slammed the door and ran into the house. Was this his house? It didn't seem like it. A boy so perfectly primped and fashionable couldn't come from a ghetto like this... could he? I waited impatiently in the car, contemplating whether or not I should call Sungyeol. Something could be wrong. No, something was wrong. I just knew it. The second I pulled my phone out to call Sungyeol, Sungjong came out of the house. He closed the door slowly behind him and took careful steps. One foot. Then the other. Then the other. Then the other. He was thinking hard about something all the way to the car. When he sat down in he avoided my eyes.

"Are you okay?" I asked skeptically. He still wouldn't look at me.

"Yeah, let's go."

"No."

"Why?"

"Tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing." He looked down at his lap.

"There's something bothering you. You don't have to tell me exactly what it is, but just stop pretending you're okay." I positioned my head under his, blocking his view of his lap. "I'll be that one person you don't have to lie to. I'll be real with you if you're real with me. Just stop pretending... please?" It broke my heart to see him force a smile. He looked out the window at the old house he had come out of and tried to swallow tears, despite everything I had just said to him. I tried another tactic. "You wanna cry don't you?" I wagged my finger in his face. "So do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" I chanted. He started to laugh and a few tears involuntarily fell from his eyes.

"Shut up." he said between giggles. "Let's just go." I followed his orders, satisfied with the result of my teasing. He directed me to a bus stop a few miles away where he'd take the next bus home. I offered to drive but he refused. To be honest, I was glad he did. I was in a mad dash to get home and call Sungyeol. I speeded home and ripped my phone open the very second I pulled into the garage. The phone rang as I entered the house. Soon I realized I wasn't only hearing my phone ring, but another one somewhere within the house. I looked around for a little while and eventually found a small flip phone vibrating on the table. He was here.

I immediately ran about the house in search for Sungyeol. I went upstairs and entered my bedroom. There he lay, completely curled up in a ball on my bed. As I approached the sleeping beauty I gasped. His tear stained cheeks were a pale white and there were dark rings around his eyes. He looked sick. He looked... dead. I crept into the other side of the bed, hugging his back and wrapping my arms around his skinny waste. I tried to warm his cool skin from the inside out like he had done to me so many times before. Without opening his eyes or making any noise he turned around and hugged me back, burying his head in my chest. His breathing became unsteady and a few sobs escaped his lips. Before I knew it he was actually weeping.

"He's gone, Myung" He cried into my chest. "He's gone."

[Earlier I mentioned that Sungyeol would call me when he was feeling sad. The thing is he would never tell me exactly why. He would say things like "I'm having a bad day" or "I miss my family", or “I'm just in a bad mood". I never urged him to tell me, but instead let him know he was always welcome to come over or call me. He never took up my offer until today.]

"It's okay, hyung. I'm here now. I'm here." I said as I pet his head softly.

"No. It's not. He's gone. Forever. Never coming back... You expect your grandparents to go at some point. Your parents even. But not him. Never your brother. Not so young. Not like this." He continued to weep. I froze. His brother died? How? He told me before how close he was with his baby brother. How much he cherished everything about him, even his breathing. Just to imagine him dead must have cracked his heart in two, lead alone finding out that it's reality.

"Hyung, what happened?" No reply. "Let me in." I pleaded. "Let me help you."

He took a few shaky breaths to prepare himself. "I... He.... I was helping! He was hanging out with such losers." He said the word with a venom I never thought he'd be capable of. "Drugs, drinking, smoking. My baby brother was killing himself and he didn't even know. I was so sick of it but I didn't say a thing. I was too afraid of losing him." He hit himself in the head. "Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!" Each hit got increasingly harder. He was really going to hurt himself. Maybe he already had. Maybe that's why he always stopped me from doing that to myself. I grabbed his hand before he had the chance bruise his skin. "Yah!" he said angrily. "Let go! Let go!" He tried to hit my chest and failed. My grip was too tight to fight. What exactly was he saying? His brother had died of an overdose? How was that his fault at all? I had to understand better. I had to help him. I wiped the tears from his smooth cheek with my thumb and cupped his face in my hand.

"Sungyeol-ah. What happened?" I said again. He looked so desperately into my eyes that I wanted to take the words back. I wanted to tell him it was okay. To keep it to himself forever if that's what made him stop crying. If that's what made him stop hurting. I knew it wouldn't, but I wished it would. It would be so much easier for both of us then.

"He tried to smoke in front of me. Who does that right in front of their hyung and thinks he won't get mad? I was so furious I just grabbed it without thinking, the cigarette. I just grabbed it and threw, not even considering where it might land." His eyes glossed over as the memory replayed in his brain. "The bed." His eyes darted from one place to another, never completely focusing on one thing before moving their attention to another object within the memory he was trapped in. "The sheets. The drapes. The carpet. They all caught so quickly. Everything just flew out of control. He was drunk and he was heavy. I couldn't get him out of there as fast as I wanted to. He didn't hold his breath. He breathed it all in. The smoke. The debris. Everything." He started to hyperventilate. Tears stung my eyes as I rubbed his back slowly, hoping I was soothing him as much as possible. He continued talking despite his inability to breathe. He wouldn't stop until it was all out. 

"That's why," he said, "That's why his lungs failed and mine didn't. That's why he's been in the hospital for three months straight. That's why my parents can’t even look at me. That's why he died and I lived. Because of me. My weak body. My stupid decisions. My uncontrolled anger." He actually stopped breathing for a moment. His body shook. I grabbed at his waste and pulled him even closer to me, nearly suffocating him. He clawed at my back as the sobs entered my chest, shaking my core, rattling my heart. His screams echoed throughout the house even after being muffled by my body. All I could do was hold him. All I could do was cry.

"I love him, Myung. I love him more than life. I thought he loved me. I thought he'd stay. But he left and he's not coming back. It's all my fault."

"No." Suddenly I found my voice. "No it's not, Sungyeol. Do you hear me?" I shook him a bit in my arms. "It was his decision to smoke. It was his decision to drink. If he hadn't done those things then he would still be here today. They were all his mistakes. His." I kissed his forehead. "His." I kissed his cheek. "Not yours." I paused a moment to meet his eyes before kissing his lips. I was hoping to distract him from bearing all this pain at once. He's done enough healing for today. Suddenly his tongue shoved its way into my mouth without warning. I welcomed it. When we broke apart he took a few more shaky breaths and buried his head back into my chest. I rubbed his neck, suddenly realizing how scolding hot his skin had become. I did it, I thought. I warmed his body from the inside out. He would be okay.

A few minutes went by before I noticed that his breathing had finally regulated. I looked down at his worn face. He had fallen asleep again. His eyes were swollen and his face was covered in snot and tears. After placing a gentle kiss at the top of his forehead, I got up as carefully as possible, praying that he didn't wake up. He needed this rest desperately. I tip-toed to the bathroom and began to wet a washcloth with warm water. When I was finished, I tip-toed back to bed and used the cloth to wipe his face clean. He twitched a few times but never actually woke up. I blew on his face, drying any water that remained. His skin was so perfect, so clear. He must take really great care of it. I caressed his cheek with the back of my hand. The seemingly soft skin was dry and almost cracking because of my washcloth cleansing. I quickly scuttled to the bathroom and lined up all of my many skin moisturizers, old and new. After a long evaluation of each, I squirted a dab of the best one on my finger and went back to the bed to care for the sleeping beauty's dry skin. I felt as if I was finger painting a masterpiece as I watched the rough crackled skin turn smooth and supple. 

After his face was hydrated and rid of tears, I tucked him in and gave him a few extra pillows to hug in my place. I figured I'd better make him something to eat when he woke up, but what? I was never very good at cooking. Maybe some fruit? A bowl of cereal? I shook my head as I walked down the stairs to the kitchen. Something hot would be best. Finally I decided on making him a bowl of warm soup and a glass of orange juice. It was refreshing and comforting all at the same time. It was exactly what he needed. At that exact moment, I took it upon myself to become his caregiver, his guide, his guardian angel if you will. I would do anything and everything I could to save him from complete misery.  It was the least I could do after what he'd done for me.

I cooked the canned soup meticulously, being sure that all the vegetables were soft and the broth wasn't too salty. When I was finished, I put it in a bowl and set it on the table. The very second I set the glass of orange juice on the table, Sungyeol appeared in the door way wiping his eyes sleepily.

"Hey there sleeping beauty, you're just in time." I said, giving him a smile. "I thought you would want this, since you're always hungry and all..." He looked at the table of food and then back at me. Without a word, he walked over and held my hips with his large hands. I tucked a piece of his hair behind his ear and smiled at him again. The sides of his mouth curled up as he leaned in to kiss me sweetly. "Go eat," I said, giving his a soft pat. He jumped and hurried over to the bowl of soup. He took a few sips and nodded.

"Perfect." He said without looking up from the bowl. I sat on the other side of the table and rested my head on my hands as he ate. Suddenly I was extremely tired. Sungyeol put his spoon down for a moment. "Thanks," he mumbled slightly, still unable to meet my eyes. "For everything I mean." I lifted my head in curiosity. He was about to say something huge. "These last couple of weeks... they've been really rough. But even in the midst of all this madness, all I could ever think about was you." His eyes flashed up at mine, but only for a split second. "Yesterday I was supposed to go to the hospital. I was supposed to see my brother, possibly for the last time. But it started to rain." He sniffed, fighting the tears that were slowly creeping to his eyes. "But it started to rain and I just... I thought of you. How scared you must be, especially after I ignored your calls. I felt so awful... It was almost as if I was more scared of losing you than I was my own brother." His head finally lifted and his glossed over eyes met mine. All he had to do was blink once for a waterfall of tears to fall. "Is that crazy? Am I crazy?" he asked hysterically. "That's all I could think of when I was in that bed with you last night. ’I'm crazy' I thought. ’I have to go' I thought. 'My brother is dying' I thought. But still your skin pulled me in like a magnet." Suddenly I understood where he was this morning. He was saying goodbye to his brother. "I had to force myself away from you." He buried his head in his hands and sobbed. "I almost chose you over him. How sick is that?" I stood up and crouched next to the chair he was sitting in.

"Hyung," I said, tearing his hands away from his face and holding them with one of my hands as I used the other one to wipe the tears from his face. "You're not crazy. You're not sick. You're not a terrible person. It's hard to say goodbye to the ones you love. At that moment, in the bed, you were happy. Why on earth would you ever want to leave such a safe warm place to stand at the side of a frigid hospital bed? What sense does that make?" I paused, knowing exactly what I wanted to say, but having trouble getting the words out.

"Today," I started. "Today Sungjong confessed to me. I almost considered liking him back, too. But something about it seemed wrong. Something held me back." I glanced down at the cross carved into the back of my hand. "I just couldn't. I had to break him. I had to make him suffer, all because my greedy heart was screaming for something else." I swallowed nervously and looked directly into his eyes. "It wanted your silly smile and your long bony fingers. It wanted the falling birthmarks on your neck. It wanted your warmth to melt its icy walls. It was screaming for you, Sungyeol. Because I'm in love with you."

[AUTHOR'S NOTE]

lololol @ me naming this chapter after an Usher song. I love him. When I was little I used to want to marry him but now I think he's kind of old and creepy. Oh well, now I love Infinite <3 ANYWAYS this chapter is crazy all over the place! You really never know what Sungjong is thinking, he's such a wild card! and he's STILL hiding something. This is the longest it's ever taken me to update (I'm pretty sure) so don't hate me but it probably will happen again. This year has been super stressful for me but writing actually helps me releive it so we'll just see I guess.

Oh! and never forget this: I LOVE YOU ALL <3<3<3