That night I rushed home, nearly running every light. When I finally reached my garage I didn't waste any time sprinting up to my room and sitting at my desk, ripping a piece of paper from the nearest notebook and grabbing at the nearest writing utensil. There had been something nagging at me all day. Something I should have done earlier, but was distracted by new friends and outings.

The letter.

I couldn't wait to tell my mother all about what happened today and who I met. But where do I start? Although it had just ended, the hours before seemed like weeks ago, years even. How do I begin to explain how I felt when I first smelled the bacon of new beginnings or when I noticed the note pressed against the windshield? How do I begin to tell her about my new partner in crime Yeollie, about how I told him he was cute, or how he hums when he walks? How do I let her know my life had finally begun the very day she decided to pay attention to her only son?

I put the pen to paper and decided to see if the hand would move on its own. I felt movement. Three words appeared on the paper. Just Three. I looked down and cringed.

Quit your job.

I immediately felt sobs coming from my lips. My hand had nothing to say about my day or my life, nothing about my school and my friends, nothing about the weather or the food I ate. It had to be punished. I took the pen and pressed it into my palm, crying out in pain. How dare it be so insensitive? How dare it attempt to tell my mother to give up everything she's worked so hard for?! How dare it be so selfish?!? Suddenly the pen wasn't painful enough. This hand deserved to suffer. It needed to be taught a lesson. I opened the drawer of the desk and searched around until I found the scissors hidden in the back. I took a deep breath and held it, preparing myself for the repercussions my hand had caused. The edge of the scissors dug it into each side of my palm, tracing an X, back and forth until I couldn't feel it any more. My blood and tears mixed on the paper, surrounding the three deadly words. I stared at my hand and screamed. I had never made a cut this big or deep. What had I done? It wasn't my hand that deserved punishment; it was my brain. It was me.

I ran to the sink and let the water run over my open wounds, still sobbing. I watched the blood run down the drain, picturing the three words being flushed down with it. I took a deep breath and ended my tears. I was stronger than this. One day with those boys had made me so weak. I knew the only way I could get any thoughts out of my head would be to go straight to sleep, so I reached in the cabinet above the sink and took out two pills from the bottle. I took them with a fresh glass of water, wrapped my hand in gauze and crawled into bed, still fully clothed.

BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.

6:30 AM

. This again. I sat up in bed. I tried scratching my head but my hand stung in pain. What exactly happened last night? Every time I took those pills I could never really sift through the groggy memories from before I fell asleep. I stood up and looked down at myself. I was still in my clothes from yesterday. I shrugged and headed for the shower. I didn't know and I didn't want to. When I got out I got dressed and headed downstairs to eat my cold meal. No bacon today. I figured she wouldn't be able to keep it up for too long. Just one day was enough for me. I went to the garage to leave for school but stopped just before opening the car door, realizing that I had forgotten my notebook on my desk.

As I wandered over to my desk I did not see my notebook. All I saw was the paper stained with blood and tears. The words filled with anger and disgust. Every minute of last night flew back into my head. The excitement, the frustration, the punishment, the guilt, everything. I fell to my knees, overwhelmed by the information I retained. Tears stung my eyes. I quickly forgot about my notebook and ran to the car. I wouldn't let this happen twice. I couldn't.

I sat in the car for a moment and regained composure, then began to drive to school. I stopped at a red light and heard a soft tapping on the passenger seat window. Sungyeol and Sungjong were smiling at me through the glass. I unlocked the doors and let them in. Sungyeol got in the front, Sungjong in the back. Sungyeol put on his seatbelt and looked at me. He smiled at me and I smiled back; it was nice to see his happy face in the midst of my sadness. As my smile widened his faded. He scrunched his eyebrows, looking carefully at my face. I ignored his concern and continued on driving to school.

"Thanks for the ride," SungJong said cheerfully from the back seat. "That walk was much farther than we thought it was. We would have been late if it weren’t for you." He smiled and I smiled back at him in the rearview mirror. This time it was me who's smile was fake. 

"No problem," I said as peppily as I could. "Where are the other boys?"

"They're taking the bus to school. I don’t think they've even left the house yet." Said Sungjong

"Oh, I see..." I said trying to focus my attention on the road rather than the still staring Sungyeol. He hadn't taken his eyes off of me once, and quite frankly it put my on edge. 

When we got to school Sungjong got out immediately, finding Hoya instantly and running over to him. I wondered why Woohyun wasn't there yet as I grabbed my bag and pushed the door open with my good hand. A long arm reached over and pulled it closed again. I jumped, unprepared for his sudden action. I looked over at him. He still hadn't looked away. I tried the door again, but he reached over and squeezed the gauze on the punished hand. "AH!" I yelled as I attempted to pry my hand away from his. His strength was incredible. "Why are you being this way?!?" I screamed. "LET GO!"

"What happened?" He said calmly, loosening his grip. I didn't respond. "What happened?" he repeated with more force.

"I fell" I mumbled and ripped my hand away from his. He gripped the gauze this time, pulling until it finally came off. My cut was revealed. Nothing I could have fallen on could possibly have made such a perfectly shaped X. I saw his eyes trail up my arm at the perfectly arranged line of X shapped scars. He knew exactly what had happened.

"Myungsoo-ah," he said tenderly. "Before, when we were walking on the street… you said that you knew how I was feeling. That you’d been in my situation.”

“Well, not the same exact situation.. but yeah I have.” I said, trying persistently not to tell him the full story.

"Do you still feel that way?” He turned from my cut back to my eyes.

I grunted. "Can we not do this now? We'll be late for class."

"Myunggie, please." He was so earnest. Why did he have to know now? Was this even his business? I sighed and gave in.

“When I was little, my mother had to take on another job outside the city in order to take care of me.” I paused. I hadn’t explained this to anyone, ever. Woohyun and Hoya had already known but they never really understood what I was feeling at the time. No one else knew this information about me. "After a while she began to work later and later. Suddenly I was nothing and all that mattered was her job and her income. I stopped trying to talk to her completely.” I tried my hardest to hold back tears as I dug up old feelings on top of the ones that remained from last night. “One day I was determined to talk to her. To give her a piece of my mind. I stayed up until 2am but she still wasn’t home. When I went to the garage to make sure she hadn’t snuck past me she was there. Sitting in her car. Sobbing. All I heard through the broken sobs and gasps was “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Myungsoo-ah.”

Sungyeol was still staring intently. He was listening. I looked down at the X. A tear slipped its way out and landed on my palm, stinging the wound. I cringed and Sungyeol quickly took my hand in his, as if healing where the tear had fallen. I looked at his hand, then up to his eyes. “She wasn’t working so hard to avoid me, she was working to support me. She was working so that I could have the life she never had. But she had lost me in the process and for that she hated herself. From then on I decided I would never hate my mother, but cherish her. I would make her presents, leave her notes, anything I could do to let her know how much I love her. She did the same. Eventually I gave up, hoping she'd understand. Now the only notes she leaves me are on my lunchbox, telling me to have a good day." It was then I realized I hadn't even gotten one of those this morning. Tears fell fluently now.

"But yesterday... yesterday she left me a long note, saying she misses me and she really wants me to tell her more about my life. And then I met you, and I had such a great day, and I thought things were changing. They had to be, right?! So when I got home I sat down and tried to write but all I could say was... was.." I choked on the words and began sobbing. I knew it would feel worse saying the words than it did writing them. "Quit your job." I collapsed a bit and he rubbed my back soothingly. "How could I be so selfish? Wanting her to give up everything she had ever worked for just so I can see her? Just for me? I'm not worth that sacrifice. I'm not worth anything." I was drowning in tears by this point. "I cut my hand because it wrote the words. I cut my hand because it had to be punished for being so selfish. I cut my hand because.... I.." I couldn't say another word. I felt too defeated. Sungyeol reached over and put my head to his chest. He didn't say a word, but simply pet my head over and over, wiping away my sorrow and filling my thoughts with his warmth. When my sobs ended he looked me in the eye.

"I wish you could see how much you're worth," he said gently, carressing my face with is boney fingers. "I can't tell you not to feel this way. I can't tell you to forgive, I can't tell you to forget. But this?" He held my wound in his hand, "This is not right. When you feel like this is what you need, call me instead. Punish me. I can take it." He held my hand and pressed his lips to it each corner of the X, then kissed the very center, lingering there for a moment. At this moment I stopped crying completely, as if someone had flipped a switch in my brain. We weren't just friends, we were something more. There was only one word I could think to say that would explain how I felt.

"Hyung," I whispered, still a bit confused by what I was saying. Hyung? After a day? It took months for Woohyun, Hoya and I to get to this point in our relationship. I didn't want to believe it but somehow I just had to. Sungyeol smiled and nodded. He felt it too. Just then I looked out the window. Everyone in the courtyard was heading inside. "Let's just go before we're late." I said. He nodded again and we headed in together.

That day as we walked through the halls, I used him as my personal DJ again. His songs gave me strength to go on with the day, even if they held no words. Suddenly the day looked bright. Suddenly I could get through.

----------------

The next few weeks went on exactly like this, having fun at school with the boys and calling Sungyeol whenever I was feeling down. Surprisingly enough he did the same to me. I liked that. I liked that he had that much faith in me. I looked out for him and he looked out for me. Our relationship was a never-ending, perfectly balanced cycle of give and take that I never seemed to have with Woohyun and Hoya. For the first time in a while I didn't feel like I was drowning in same, I didn't cut, and I didn't take sleeping pills. For the first time in a while I actually felt like I wasn't alone.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE]

Hi there Subbies <3 

I always get all jittery and nervous when I release a new chapter kekeke! Well hopefully you liked this angsty one. I have lots of things planned, but I'm not really sure how to tie them all together, which is why it takes me so long to finish chapters. This fanfic has 6 chapters on 2 days worth of stuff..... I really was not planning to have that type of story lol , so I'm trying to transition my way into longer lengths of time within the story. As always let me know what you think and feel free to write suggestons/criticism on my writing. THANKS FOR BEING SO LOVELY, STAY BEAUTIFUL!