I leaned forward, deepening the kiss. Where was the distinctively sweet taste I love so much? These lips tasted only of... toothpaste. And they were colder than I remembered. Sungyeol's lips were usually so surprisingly dominant, but these were limp and frail. When we finally parted I was too afraid to meet the boy's eyes. This was not the one I loved; this was a mistake. He reached to massage my jaw as I had done to him. I hastily slapped away his hand and sat up.

"Don't!" I said much louder than I meant to. "Just don't," I said a bit more calmly, "I'm not yours..." I realized slowly as I stood and ran for the door. My eyes remained completely shut. I covered my mouth with my hand, my shaky fingers burning with guilt. What have I done? Tears arrived. I opened my eyes along with the door of the small room and bumped into something on the way out. Suddenly I locked eyes with Hoya's surprised face. A tear finally fell and I ran wordlessly from the practice room, without looking back. Why was he even there?

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the crumpled pass. I followed its instructions exactly and went directly to the nurse's office. When I got there, I told her the truth: that I hadn't gotten any sleep at all last night and now feeling sick because of it. She was ridiculously understanding.

"Go lie down, dear." She looked judgmentally around my face until her eyes landed on mine. I watched her hard exterior begin to fade, but only for a moment. "And you might want to rinse your face a bit." She said, reverting back to the harsh nurse the students had always spoken of. She patted my arm cautiously and guided me towards the bathroom door. I walked in and looked at the mirror, staring at what was supposed to be my own reflection. I cringed. This face wasn't anything the school should recognize. It wasn't L. It was just... pitiful, pathetic, disgusting; it was Kim Myungsoo. I fought the urge to swing at the mirror. How dare he show his face here? I thought to myself, this is L's turf... I the faucet and splashed water onto my face, drowning out the thoughts that remained in my mind. With a few deep breaths I left the bathroom and lied down on the stiff cot. Maybe I'd be able to do a little sleeping here....

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"L!" An excited voice from far off appeared in the depths of my dreams. "L, wake up! Get up now! We need you!" The faceless voice grew closer and I realized it wasn't excited, but angry. My whole dream shook, as if I were dreaming the beginnings of a deadly earthquake. My eyes opened, but not fast enough; a swift hand threw itself at my face. "Wake up, you selfish son of a !" I opened my eyes and met with the strong face I'd heard in my dreams.

 "Dongwoo hyu-"

 "GET THE UP!" He slapped me again. I obeyed his every word. I'd never seen Dongwoo angry, or even annoyed. I don't think anyone has.

 "What's wrong?" I said frantically. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.

 "Hoya's freaking out... throwing things, hurting people-" he suddenly let go of me and took a step back. "Kind of like I am now...." he said, smiling slightly at the irony of the situation. Even in the middle of a crisis he couldn't keep a straight face. "He won't talk to anyone. I tried, but he..." he looked away briefly and my eyes fell directly to the throbbing red hand prints wrapped around his neck. It looked as if the marks were beginning to bruise, especially in the front where two thumb prints framed his Adam’s apple. I gasped.

 "Did he-"

 "I'm fine." He said hurriedly. He his lips and sighed. "Just go try," he rested his hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle pat as his eyes met mine, "alright?" I stared at him intently for a moment before nodding and smiling slightly back at him. How could he be so calm after one of his dearest friends hurt him so badly? I thought as I headed towards the classroom I'd left a little more than an hour before. As I approached it, there were dozens of students surrounding the entrance and even more creating an intimidating circle around my sleep deprived hyung. Some people were taking videos, others whispering excitedly to their friends, all of them just standing there watching the scene unfold.

"Hoya," I heard our leader-hyung speaking calmly to Hoya as I shoved through the crowd to reach them. "Hoya let-" I broke through the seal of students just in time to watch Hoya stampeded into Sunggyu, smashing their heads together. Sunggyu fell to the floor and Woohyun appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and rushed to his lover’s side.

"WHAT THE ARE YOU DOING?" he screamed at Hoya, cradling his love in his hands. There was an instant, bloody bruise on Sunggyu's head where the two heads had collided. "Oh God... oh God Hoya, why are you doing this?" Hoya sat back down at his desk, ignoring Woohyun's pleading completely. "Hoya. Hoya! LEE HOWON!" A few students snickered at the reveal of his birth name. I rushed over to Woohyun and helped him get Sunggyu to his feet. 

"Bring him to the nurse, Dongwoo is there too. He'll help you." He sniffed back at me. 

"Myungsoo-ah," His misty eyes met mine and he whimpered a bit. "What are we gonna do?" His lip trembled and the mist over his eyes liquefied. I glanced at the stately boy seated at the desk and bit my lip. I had no idea. Quite frankly, I was terrified to even go over there. I didn't want to be choked, kicked, or head-butted. I didn't really want to try at all. They all tried because they thought he was upset, when really he was just tired, exhausted even. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to listen. He wanted to rest. But what had set him off to begin with? He seemed alright after I bumped into him outside of the practice room. Still unsure of what to say or do, I patted Woohyun's shoulder and took a step toward the time bomb of a boy.

"Hoya?" His head snapped up at the sound of my voice. His bloodshot eyes seemed to swallow me up in a look I was never quite able to decipher. His concealer had faded and his uncharacteristically pale skin was revealed. The opaque, blue-violet pools under his eyes hung like ten ton dumbbells from his skin. He hadn't slept in weeks. "Hyung," I said, smiling sweetly at him. His face remained unchanged while his hand reached up to grab my bare neck, gripping it tightly and causing me to choke. I tried to pry him off, but whenever my eyes met his, I saw beneath the rage into his broken soul. My body refused to react. I couldn't hurt my hyung, not like this.

"I'm not your hyung." Hoya spat as he spoke. The words threw themselves into my suffocating mind, ricocheting off the walls of my brain and vibrating like a bell. My vision blurred for a moment and before I knew it, my body was being flung to the tile floors of the classroom. I blinked and gasped, trying hard to regain my senses. My eyes followed the purple Nikes across the floor and back to the desk. 

"H-h-hyu-" I was cut off by a knife-like kick to the ribs.

"Hyung!" He mimicked, kicking me again. "Hyung!!" He kicked me harder each time the word left his bitter lips. "Hyung... Hyung... HYUNG!" The beating had passed the point of agony and now I was completely numb. My mind was so confused, it had sounded like the last 'hyung' was said by a different person completely, a younger one. It almost sounded like-

"What are you doing?" Sarcastic Sass Master Sungjong. "Are you crazy?!?" I glanced up at Hoya, who'd frozen mid-kick and focused every ounce of his attention to the young boy's arrival. His tired eyes sparked for a moment, and then continued their angry rampage.

"Listen, SongJun-"

"Don't." The young boy cut Hoya off bleakly. "Don't call me that. Don't call me Song-Jung, don't call me Jongie, and don't call me S-line!" His voice wavered a bit. "Don't call me anything right now." He whispered painfully. Hoya took a step away from me and towards Sungjong. I took the moment to reach from my wounds, trying to measure the damage done.

"Ah!" I tried to stifle my pain, but it was too unbearable. I couldn't move without feeling as if several knives had been stabbing me from every direction. Sungjong rushed to my side and held my face. A tear fell from his cheek to mine.

"Yah, Kim Myungsoo," he sniffed, "are you alright?" His lip wouldn't stop trembling. He looked like a lost kitten searching for its mama. I forced a smile and nodded, despite my doubt. His eyes smiled at mine for a moment before fluttering down to my wounds. His smile disappeared. "Liar." He spat angrily. 

"HA!" Hoya scoffed suddenly. "Let me tell you this," he said smugly, "we call that little boy there L, but not because he lies." Hoya took a step closer to us. "He may be a little mysterious, but completely transparent. Everyone knows he's been ing that tall goof Sungyeol." He snickered and looked around at the shocked circle of strangers; no one had known until this very moment. "Everyone." He mouthed at me. I flinched as he crouched down next to my swollen body to meet Sungjong's eyes. "Don't we, Jongie?" Sungjong's eyes widened, but never left Hoya's. "So tell me this, Song Bird," the maknae's head shook slightly, almost pleading his hyung not to go on. "If we all know that this little fella here is o-cu-pa-do by his little buddy, then why would you-" he paused for a moment, holding his fist to his lips and clearing his throat. The tears in his eyes glistened slightly as he continued his question. "Why did you kiss him? Why did you do that?" 

"Howon..." I gawked at Sungjong's comfortable use of Hoya's birth name, something that Woohyun and I had only called him on rare occasions.

"Why did you do that?" Hoya sat clumsily on the cold tile, his eyes fluttering back and forth as he muttered the words to himself. "Why did you do it? How could you..?" Sungjong bit his lip and tapped his toe anxiously. He looked at me shamefully before crawling over to Hoya. He tried to wrap his arms around the elder's square shoulders, but Hoya brought his knees to his chest and shook his head. "Why?"

"Howo-"

"Answer me." His eyes begged the boy for an answer. He wasn't angry, he wasn't curious, and he wasn't exhausted; he was just hurt.

"Howon, I-" Sungjong reached up and ruffled his own hair in frustration. "I don't know, okay!?" The boy looked up and blinked a few tears away. "He just... he's always ing tempting me. I see the way he looks at Sungyeol and how close he is to looking at me like that and I can't take it. That's what I want, Howon. It's the only thing I've ever really wanted and it's what you never give me!" He finished his sentence angrily, but after a few deep breaths his voice returned to the soft, smooth one we all knew so well. "In my defense, he kissed me. In his defense, he wasn't exactly in his right mind. I knew that, I'll admit it. I knew that he was confused and I took advantage of him, knowing that I was really there waiting for you, knowing that I don't really love him and he doesn't really love me. Knowing that..." his voice trailed off and he scootched closer, resting his head gently on Hoya's shoulder. "Knowing that I really love you, whether you like it or not."

I'm not sure if it was the pain, I'm not sure if it was the shock. All I remember is that I don't remember anything after those words. I passed out, still and bleeding on the cold classroom tile.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE]

WOW IT'S BEEN SO LONG IM SO EXTREMELY SORRY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY OTHER THAN IM SO SORRY AND I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH PLEASE HARASS ME MUCH MORE NEXT TIME AND I'LL GET ANOTHER CHAPTER OUT SO FAST LIKE WOW OMG.

Also somehow I've become such a hardcore Hojong shipper lately.... idek man all I know is that I've started an angsty Hojong fic, so check it out, even if you're not a Hojong shipper! It's just going to be a really well planned, well written story worth reading, so why not give it a try! Sorry again and Sarang hae <3