The first time it happened, Ryeowook thought it would hurt. His mind was filled with different scenarios, most of them painful from beginning to end. It was just the look on Kyuhyun’s face and the darkness in his eyes that spoke of nothing but agony.

But…that wasn’t how it worked.

The second time, everything was rough up until that moment – the key moment. And then the world slowed down a little, the air shifted, and the darkness chipped away. Ryeowook swore he was even gentler the second time around than the first. That was already surprising.

The third and fourth times, Ryeowook found himself dictating and he didn’t know why he agreed. Maybe it was because he loved the look in Kyuhyun’s eyes when the storm clouds lifted and something so gentle and welcoming rustled in those deep irises.

The fifth time made him realize that not a word would ever be spoken. It was silent except for the broken gasps and moans whispered through haggard pants.

Then there was nothing. No calls came, no texts or emails either. Ryeowook’s mind kept drifting back to those five occurrences, unable to forget the feelings and the warm breath and the beautiful, unspeaking man.

“Earth to Ryeowook…”

He blinked, shaking his head and looking up to see Victoria across from him.

Where was he again? Ryeowook’s eyes shifted back and forth, taking in his surroundings. They were inside a café, the city’s snow long gone with the coming of spring in just a few weeks. Ryeowook smiled apologetically at her. “What were you saying?”

“Are you okay?” she frowned, worried.

“I’m fine,” he shook his head.

“Well…okay,” Victoria muttered, trusting that he would tell her or Changmin at the very least, if something was going on. “I was talking about how we only have one tape left…and then we’re done. I was curious to see if you were ready to watch it yet.”

That’s right. Ryeowook nodded slowly in understanding, staying quiet for a long moment. They had indeed cranked out a vast number of tapes that one night, and they had repeated the act two weeks later. At that point, Changmin was sent away on a business trip. The final tape had been sitting in the box, waiting patiently for the return of the last person in their trio.

“Uhm, yes, I think I’m ready,” he offered her a smile.

“You don’t have to force yourself,” Victoria stated gently, “the last one is the hardest.”

“But it’s better to finally get this over with,” Ryeowook said carefully, ignoring the burning in his chest. He knew he really meant it this time – that’s it the pain was so bittersweet. It had been a long time and it seemed like there was finally a chance to taking more than one step forward.

Of course, he knew quite clearly that this wasn’t going to end everything and that once he watched the video his feelings and traumas wouldn’t just vanish. It would help him though. It would make the nightmares cease and surely drag him full force out of the purgatory he had been living in.

“It’s important to stop feeling bad every time I think of him,” Ryeowook went on, “and this last video, I’m sure, will make that happen. I don’t want to think of Hyungsik as anything less than a happy…memory.” He couldn’t decide if he hated or loved that word. Memories were all Hyungsik had in the afterlife, but memories made Hyungsik no longer a real part of his life. He couldn’t leave the past to brighten Ryeowook’s future.

That, above all else, was what made him hesitate.

“Okay,” Victoria nodded, reaching across the table to hold his hand, “we’re going to be there every step of the way, so don’t worry.”

Bzzt…bzzt…

Ryeowook stood up from the table, waving to Victoria as he went to answer the call.

“Come over.”

And that was all.

He stared at the phone for a second, and wasn’t sure what his beating heart meant. It could’ve been in anticipation, or it could’ve been in anxiousness. Ryeowook bit his lip, tucking the phone away and returning to where Victoria was sitting.

“Hey, Kyuhyun called me back to work. I’ll have to go for now,” he told her.

“Oh, okay,” she sighed, “you know, I’m glad that you’re no longer dating him.” Victoria grabbed her coat, walking with Ryeowook to the door, “He’s really crazy and just…he’s been doing some rather sketchy things lately with some man named Choi Siwon. I would be worried about him, but I’m no longer a marriage possibility, so whatever.”

“Hmm? What do you mean?” Ryeowook’s brow furrowed.

Victoria handed her credit card to the hostess, paying for their lunch. “He told his parents that he refuses to marry me and that he apparently found someone better with greater assets.” She rolled her eyes, “At least he spared me the pain of dealing with his sorry .”

“Your parents didn’t fight it?” Ryeowook’s eyes widened, surprised.

They headed through the main doors, walking to the curb. “No…,” Victoria blushed a little, “I mean…they don’t care because I told them that I’m dating Changmin, and as dorky as he is, his job is very impressive.”

Ryeowook just smiled. “I knew you two would start dating. When did it happen?”

“Before he left for that business trip,” she returned the smile, face still flushed.

He chuckled, managing to get a cab and climbing in. “Well, do keep me updated on that. It’s pretty cute.” Ryeowook waved goodbye to the woman,

“Will do,” she pushed her hands into pockets.

Then he shut the door.

It was a short drive to Kyuhyun’s apartment. After all, he lived nearly in the center of the city. Before he knew it, he was climbing the steps of Kyuhyun’s building, striding through the lobby, and pressing the familiar floor number in the elevator.

When the doors opened, Ryeowook had to catch his breath, chest squeezing tightly. Slowly, he made his way down the hall, pausing in front of Kyuhyun’s door. Taking several deep breaths, he knocked once…twice…and was cut short in the third as the door opened and a handsome, half-dressed, wet haired man stared down at him.

Ryeowook wasn’t sure what made him so knee-crumbling, heart stopping, to die for attractive in that moment. This was not the first time he had seen a post-shower Kyuhyun before. So…what made it so different?

Nothing was said, as usual.

There was one difference though. Ryeowook had come to a quick conclusion. If they were going to have mindless again, then maybe it wouldn’t matter if he just started it.

And so he threw his arms around Kyuhyun’s neck, crushing their lips together fervently. He felt the man stagger back in surprise, an arm catching Ryeowook around the waist while kicking the door shut.

This would be the sixth time in some weeks, and it had Ryeowook breaking the laws of the previous time as he screamed and clung to the man he had hurt. The distance had been too much. That was the only explanation he could come up with.

“You’re loud,” Kyuhyun’s voice breathed against his ear, a hint of humor and a hint of hesitance underlying the lust.

Ryeowook froze, not understanding the torrent of tears that spilled down his cheeks so suddenly. He leaned back from the man’s chest, gripping his shoulder with one hand as he tried to wipe the tears away.

“What’s wrong?” he kept his hands on Ryeowook’s hips, eyes a murky mess as the darkness struggled to overflow them again.

He shook his head, the tears coming faster now. No sobs choked him up, nor did wails tear through his throat. Ryeowook’s shoulders began to shake and he closed his eyes, hoping the salty liquid would cease.

“Speak,” Kyuhyun ordered softly, firmly.

“I…,” Ryeowook’s voice came out of its own accord, broken and twisted. “…I haven’t heard you in a long time.” He lowered his head, feeling Kyuhyun pulling him back to his chest, burying the crying man’s face in the crook of his neck.

They were leaning back against the headboard with Ryeowook in the broader male’s lap, the blanket pulled half up their hips. No words were spoken and Ryeowook felt frustration building up inside of him.

“I want to hear your voice again,” he whispered, nails digging into the muscles of Kyuhyun’s arms, “I miss your voice…,” Ryeowook knew how desperate it must have seemed. Here he was, having been treated like a toy again and finally begging to have Kyuhyun’s affection. It was pathetic, just like everything else about him in their ruined relationship. “I miss your laugh…and smile…and the way you hold me early in the morning…and waking you up…and hearing you complain…picking out your clothes…going around the world…your hugs…,” his own sob cut him off.

“I’m leaving, Ryeowook.”

He jerked back, eyes widening. He gazed at Kyuhyun’s stony face. The black coldness was back and Ryeowook felt his tears stopping out of fear and embarrassment.

Kyuhyun didn’t keep a grip on his waist anymore, letting him move away if he wanted to. “Siwon and I are spending half a year in America opening a new company building. I’m also planning on bringing my fiancée over to Korea.” He met Ryeowook’s eyes head on. “…take care of my business until I get back. There will be a replacement for me until I return as well.”

Ryeowook pushed away from Kyuhyun, grabbing his clothes and getting dressed.

“Are you listening, Ryeowook?” he asked calmly, leaning forward on his pulled up knees, staring at the slender body disappearing beneath layers of clothing.

He nodded stiffly.

“By the way,” Kyuhyun began, watching the man stop on his way out of the bedroom, “please refrain from speaking to your boss like that in the future. I don’t appreciate shallow pleading.”

Ryeowook didn’t say anything, head rising and falling slightly, eyes focused on the floor, whatever light that had been there for even a second, vanishing behind closed doors.