It was a constant state of suspension – sort of like Purgatory. There could be a lot of waiting and thinking and random panic attacks. Living like that really took its toll on the psyche. Sometimes, everything was fine and you were calm. Other times, it was inexplicable anger and frustration and fear. Always being in the same spot, never moving more than a few paces left or right, forward or backward – really left a person teetering.

Any little change could set off an alarm. When things never change, how do you react when things do change?

“We have one day until Victoria arrives in Paris,” Kyuhyun stated as they unpacked in their rental apartment in the heart of the city.

They had freedom for just one day and in that time Kyuhyun was determined to get done what he wished. If had to spend the next two weeks with that woman, he wanted to at least make it bearable and there was only one way to do that.

“You make her sound like the plague,” Ryeowook chuckled, setting his two suitcases in the bedroom and ping them. He opened up the roomy closet, sighing dreamily. “Can we live here all year around?”

“If that’s what you want,” Kyuhyun shrugged, “I’ll just have them transfer us here.”

Ryeowook smiled, turning away from the closet, “Let’s just design the apartment back home like this one.”

“Have fun doing that,” he smirked, tugging Ryeowook closer to him, “It’ll take forever.”

“Mm…maybe we should just come here more often and then everyone will be happy,” he grinned, craning up to capture a kiss.

Kyuhyun pulled the boy closer before slowly laying him down on the bed…

***

Ryeowook stepped out onto the balcony as he waited for Kyuhyun to finish showering. The sky was dark but brightened by the foreign city beneath him. Snow drifted down gently, disappearing into the faint smog of Paris. In the distance he could see Christmas lights strung up and the occasional tree peaking out.

Thinking about me again?

“I always think about you at this time of year,” he breathed, watching his white breath burst forth.

Hyungsik perched on the thin railing, gazing down at the slumped over figure. That’s a bad habit, you know.

“So is talking to my conscience like this,” Ryeowook looked up at the faded memory of a face.

You think you’re holding him back? He’ll be upset if he knew that…even if it is true.

“I am holding him back though. If I wasn’t around, he wouldn’t be stuck in this place with me. He could move forward. Right now, he’s holding himself back and I can’t do anything…because I can’t move.”

You can move. You could always move. But you just don’t want to.

Ryeowook closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “That might be true. It’s also wrong. I’m trying hard. I’m trying so hard,” he ground out, “so why can’t I move on faster? I take a step and get sent back half of one. No matter what I do, I can’t learn to move.”

You’re just afraid. That’s okay. Hyungsik’s hand rushed across Ryeowook’s forehead, cold and unreachable. He’s a good man. He waited this long. I don’t think he’ll do anything to hurt you…not intentionally at least.

“How can you have so much faith in him?” he asked, frustrated.

Because the person I love chose him. I have faith in you. That’s all I need.

Ryeowook pulled away from the railing, taking a shuddering breath and stepping back inside. Peering across the room, he saw Kyuhyun emerging from the bathroom, a towel around his neck and a pair of black slacks on. “I’ll be ready soon,” he stated rather seriously, flashing a quick smile at Ryeowook before heading over to his closet.

“Okay,” he nodded, heading out of the room, trying to calm the beating of his heart.

Hyungsik appeared before Ryeowook as the latter sat down on the couch. The phantom knelt down, hands closing over Ryeowook’s. Have some faith. Remember.

And then he was gone again.

The restaurant was quiet and private, overlooking the expanse of Paris. There was a floor to ceiling glass window on their left side, whilst a deep red table cloth and faintly scented candle rustled between them.

“I know it’s early,” Ryeowook stated, “but I’m guessing we won’t have much time on the actual day.” He pulled out his Christmas present for Kyuhyun, handing it over.

The handsome man, blinked, surprised for a brief moment. “How can I open it now? If I do that, then I won’t have anything to open on Christmas,” he frowned, looking down at the little wrapped present. There was a white satin bow on the top of the reindeer covered wrapping paper.

“Fine, just hold onto it then,” Ryeowook rolled his eyes playfully.

“I’ll give you yours on the actual day,” Kyuhyun stated firmly, almost triumphantly.

His lover just laughed, staring at him in amusement.

They quietly gazed at one another for a long while, neither saying anything. Kyuhyun absently brushed his thumb across the back of Ryeowook’s hand, seemingly attempting to compose himself. There was energy in the air, electricity surging through their connected fingers.

“Is there something wrong, Kyuhyun?” Ryeowook finally asked, tilting his head.

“No, no, there isn’t,” he shook his head.

Biting his lip, he closed his eyes and steadied his pounding heart. Kyuhyun opened his eyes, focusing on Ryeowook once more. Releasing his hand, he reached into his pocket, withdrawing a delicate velvet black box.

Ryeowook froze.

Kyuhyun unclasped the ornate gold lock with a soft click…. Inside was a sleek golden ring with an iridescent crystal streak following the line of the endless circle.

“Kim Ryeowook, I’ve been with you for three years and I haven’t regretted a single moment of it. Through everything, I’ve been there for you and I will continue being there for you.” Kyuhyun swallowed, keeping their eyes locked. “I never want to lose you and I never plan on it. You’re the only person who has ever been able to make me feel this way. I would give up the world to have your hand in marriage. So…will you marry me?”

There was such a painfully long pause, Kyuhyun wondered if he had actually said it all and it wasn’t just one of his many internal rehearsals. But…but then he saw the shock fade from Ryeowook’s face and then an emotion far from what he had expected paint those lovely features.

Suddenly, giving up the entire world to take back everything he said didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

“…what happens to us if I say…not yes?” Ryeowook whispered, nails digging into the palms of his hands in his lap.

Kyuhyun told himself to breathe. “Then…maybe I don’t mean any of those things anymore.”

“Is this an ultimatum?”

“It’s a proposal.”

“You’re asking me to move when I don’t know how to move anymore.”

Kyuhyun stared across the table at the dry eyed young man. Tears didn’t fall, but he could see it. There was burning agony in those empty pools. Fire scorched him with every spoken word – but Kyuhyun didn’t care anymore. He didn’t want to care anymore.

It was just one humiliation too many.

“We’re going down the same path here, Ryeowook,” Kyuhyun whispered. “You’re waiting forever for him, and in time I’ll be waiting forever for you. Something has to give.” He closed the ring box, leaving it on the red clothed table. “I’ve tried again and again and this was my last idea. I…don’t know what else I can do for you.”

Kyuhyun stood up, taking a carefully timed breath. “The only thing I can change now is me. I don’t want to wait forever for you. I want to be with you forever.” He stepped away from his chair, pushing the black velvet box closer to Ryeowook. “Take it. It was meant for you no matter what you ended up saying.”

He stared up at Kyuhyun, silent pleas for so many things spilling out in place of tears. The man hesitated for the longest time, but then his shoulders slumped and he shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ryeowook. I…think I’ve hit my limit. Good luck.”

“No! Please, Kyuhyun, wait!” Ryeowook cried, heart thudding loudly. He watched the man turn back around. “I…” His voice caught in his throat and he sank back into himself, eyes lowered.

“See?” Kyuhyun murmured hoarsely. “You can’t even do this much. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I’d rather be alone or unhappy again than to continue being with you. It doesn’t work.” He shrugged very slightly. “So let’s just go our separate ways now. Goodbye.”