The End
In debt
Daehyun locked eyes with the boy who was standing by the doorway. He recognised him right away, though he wasn't sure why the other boy suddenly appeared in his room. The younger boy was looking at the floor, with his blonde locks hiding away his face. Daehyun tried to see past to examine the others facial expression as that was the only way for him to get a clue on why the other was there.
He could see a series of vibrations spreading down the others body every time he took a breath. Youngjae's hands were clenched in fists and the boy didn't look well.
Daehyun couldn't help but wonder why Youngjae suddenly appeared in Busan. He wasn't supposed to be there, not after his departure.
Every time he "used" someone and left, the other person never bothered to find him. Even if the people he was with seemed like they really cared, they never came after him or looked for him. Those people didn't care. It was an usual pattern, but why was this particular boy standing in his room? He was puzzled and filled with uncertainty because of the sudden unexpected situation.
He didn't like situations like that as he didn't know how to react most of the time.
“Youngjae?!” he asked warily.
Youngjae's eyes snapped up as the sound of his name. For the last few months his ears craved to hear his name being called by the boy, he wanted to hear that deep voice but now that he was there and it finally happened, it felt wrong. So wrong.
Everything about the situation was wrong and he finally understood it. He finally understood that all his questions were long answered and that his trip was useless. It was all a painful torment created by his blind eyes.
“What are you doing here?” Daehyun asked again, bringing the other back into reality. Now that he was here, he couldn't just run away.
So Youngjae slowly made his way across the small room, stopping in front of the bed. The older scooted to the side making room and Youngjae stiffly took a sit next to Daehyun. His eyes fell back down, fixating on the hem of his shirt which he held between his fingers and used it as a stress reliever as his nervous fingers started to twist the material. The texture of the fabric somehow soothed his nervous thoughts. He never felt as nervous as he was at that moment.
He could feel the other boys gaze on his body, he could feel holes being burned into his tender flesh. Silence was slowly dragging between their tense bodies as Youngjae didn't answer any of Daehyun's questions and Daehyun didn't ask anymore after he didn't get any answers from the younger. Under the heated gaze Youngjae couldn't help but wonder if the other would ever understand his thoughts, emotions and the reason to why he was there.
After what seemed like ages, the younger finally decided to do something so he sighed, accepting the unavoidable and looked up, locking eyes with the other. He was drowning inside the other boys eyes. They were so familiar and he wondered how he could so clearly remember the pair, as he didn't get to look into them too many times. This time he could feel falling inside the black and brown pits of the other boys orbs. He could feel reaching for something to grab onto but there was nothing. There was nothing to hang onto, only the endless hole, without any content.
He had to stop the free fall but he wasn't sure if he could do it or how to do it.
“Daehyun…” he heavily breathed, still lost somewhere deep in the boundless pits of the others hollow eyes.
As the older didn't respond, Youngjae decided to continue on the search for that one edge to grab on.
He struggled for the right words for a moment or two. But deep within he knew that there were no right words for the situation.
“I-I'm s-sorry….” he finally gasped, breaking eye contact as he was defeated.
“Sorry about what?” Daehyun spoke again, looking a little bit confused as he frowned his brows.
“I-I'm sorry… s-sorry for coming here.” Youngjae whispered, ready to tear up the edge his own shirt which was still caught between his fingers.
Nothing was said for a while. They both sat next to each other, both in their own little world, not understandable to the other. They were so near and yet so far as the invisible gap continued to grow wider between their bodies. The line of connection which they shared was thinning, soon to break.
Youngjae could see it clearly now. The gap between them and how different their worlds really were. Before he came to Busan he somehow believed that things could change but now he knew that their ends would never meet. He realised that there was nothing left of what they had and that there probably nothing was even to begin with.
He decided that it was probably the best time to leave. Coming here was clearly a mistake.
He slowly lifted his still stiff body off the bed, trying to make his way away from the lies. Knowing that the other didn't care about his presence or absence was painful, but the reality which he had to face. Their reality was a lie.
However, before he could get away he felt a warm palm wrap around his wrist. A force pulled him back on the mattress, leaving him without a breath. Youngjae was left in shock as he looked at the other boy, whose eyes were stuck on his face.
“Youngjae…” he half whispered, keeping the eye contact.
“I don't want you to be sorry for coming here.” he said softly.
“I-I'm kind of glad you're here.”
Youngjae couldn't help but cringe at his words. "Glad." It wasn't something he wanted to hear. How could someone be glad when he doesn't even know what happiness is. How can he say that he is glad?
More than anything he wanted to get away but the tight grip prevented him the escape. Pulling and running was useless; he had to confront the situation.
“D-don't say that…” Youngjae whispered while looking away. Tears were again gathering on the edge of his eyes. He could feel the tickling feeling inside his throat, the one indicating that if he wasn't going to pull himself together, he'd broke down crying. He didn't want to cry in front of the other. He didn't want to show him such emotions. He knew that Daehyun wouldn't understand so it was not worth it. It would only be bothersome for both; crying over something that cannot be saved was useless.
“What?” Daehyun asked.
“Don't say you're glad when you can't feel!” the tone of his voice unintentionally rose. He didn't want to do it but his condition prevented it. It was either a high voice or a sobbing mess. He carefully turned his face to face the other, his eyes watery and his hands now shaking. But Daehyun only turned away so that he was now looking at his profile. Though the younger could still see a blank expression on the others face and the sight shot knives right through his already pained heart.
“I'm sorry Youngjae.” was the only response he got. It was like someone was rubbing salt into Youngjae's freshly cut wounds. He was sorry? How can a person who cannot feel, a person who has no apathy feel sorry? He can't…
It was all fake. Whatever Daehyun did was fake. It was all the result of many years in which the other learned what to say or do in certain situations. The reaction and the words were not the result of feelings and emotions suddenly awakening in the others cold core. Daehyun didn't feel and it was final.
Thick tears finally escaped Youngjae's waterline, blurring out his vision of the boy sitting next to him. Every passing second wrapped in silence was making the situation worse.
In the moment of despair the blonde boy suddenly felt something warm on his cheek. It was not the salty liquid escaping his eyes but something else. A smooth texture slid down his cheek and he realised that it was Daehyun's hand, drying away his crocodile tears. In the moment of coldness and darkness in which he felt trapped the feeling of Daehyun's warm hand took over the younger. It felt good and Youngjae was sure that his cheeks were again turning colours. He wasn't expecting a touch.
“I don't think there is anything I can do or say to make things alright.” the older spoke after he whipped away most of Youngjae's tears.
“I don't know what to say to you. I've never been in a situation where someone would come after me. No one ever came back and no one ever cared enough to wonder about what happened.”
“But why didn't you tell me Daehyun? You could have told me that you were going to leave. You don't know how much it hurt when you just disappeared like that. I didn't know what happened. I thought you were d-dead.” Youngjae breathed, still trying to hold back the wail but unsuccessfully.
“I guess I didn't know it would make a difference if I told you.” was all the other could say.
Silence again wrapped it's claws around the two boys. Both deep in their own thoughts with only a sniffle or two coming from the younger boy.
“Why did you choose me?” Youngjae finally broke the excruciating quietness. “Why did you decide to follow me and talk to me? Why did you save me from the bullies? Why did you help me?”
Daehyun looked at the pleading eyes which were hoping for an answer they both knew he couldn't give.
“Because you saved my life on the bridge. I owed you. I, I don't like to be in debt and I always have to give back - that's my weakness.
When I was young they confronted me and told me that what I was doing was wrong. They told me that I am using people and that it hurts others. I don't know how others feel but I loved "using" them and because I didn't know how to stop because life was miserable other way, I decided to somehow pay them back for the pain I caused them.
When you found me on the bridge, I had nothing left. I cleared all my debts and was finally free. I decided that I was not going to take up another human being and since there was nothing left for me in this world, I decided that it was time to end it all. I wanted to be free once and for all. I wanted to escape this cage that is blocking me away from the world, I wanted to escape the numbness that is destroying me and everyone around me.
But you came along and saved me and from that day on, I was in debt.
The day I left was the day when you told me that I saved you, that I saved your life. It was clear that my debt was payed off and it meant that I was finally free.”
Youngjae stared in disbelief at the other.
“A life for a life.” Daehyun whispered, before he looked at the youngers face for any kind of reaction to work with. There was none though.
“I'm sorry.” Youngjae looked at the other after taking in everything the other boy told him.
“Why?”
“Because I can't save you. Because I can't really return the favour. Because now I'm in your debt and I can never pay it off.”
This was the end of the younger. His tears started to fall down his cheeks like a waterfall. He never felt as desperate and useless as he did in that moment. He felt exactly as before; falling into a pit dark hole without and escape, without anything to grab on. It was a free fall of reality.
He just wanted to do something, to say something that would change the whole situation. He would give anything to help the other, to make him feel. All he wanted in that moment was to drain his emotions and give them to the other. Seeing someone in a state as Daeyun's was too much for him. He just wanted to hug him or at least something.
This desperation took over as he pulled the other into a tight embrace.
“Please Daehyun…” he sobbed, not really knowing what he wanted to say.
“W-why…”
The older hugged him back, running one of his hands through the others hair in a calming way.
They didn't say anything as long as the younger sobbed. After a while his tears finally stopped as he probably drained out the last tear. He'd still cry if there were any tears left inside his body. He pulled away slightly looking at the other boy.
“Youngjae, you're not in debt. You shouldn't feel bad for me. You shouldn't cry for someone like me. You shouldn't waste precious tears on me.
You're the nicest and kindest person I ever met. You deserve all best in your life. You really do. So when you leave, you shouldn't think about me anymore.”
“I can't do that.” the younger's voice was dry and rough. Daehyun looked at him a bit confused.
“I cannot forget about you and I don't think I'll ever not think about you. You changed my life. You really did. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have the courage to apply to a music school and I would never be accepted. Without you I'd never pursue my own dreams. Without you I'd still rot in that school, being bullied and tortured. Without you I'd never feel the way I do now. I'm not really sure what I feel but I know it feels good, even if it hurts. Maybe I'll really become a singer one day and that's all because of you. If it wasn't for you I'd still be trapped in a my old sad world.”
Nothing was said for a while. Daehyun had no idea how to respon and Youngjae was eaten by a question which rose after the other aked him not to think about it anymore.
“D-do you plan to kill yourself Daehyun?” The blonde boy asked cautiously. “You don't want me to think about you because you'll kill yourself?”
“I don't know. After I left you I planned to do it. I stood on a different bridge, staring into nothingness. For a split moment I actually thought that I could feel something.” Daehyun smiled a little before a frown took over again.
“But as I stood there, I just couldn't do it. I wanted to do it but I couldn't. I don't know why but in the end I ended up back in Busan, back here where I tired it again but in vail. In the end my mother took me to the hospital again and now I'm here, stuck under survailance. I still want to end it all but I don't know why I can't...” He sighed, looking down.
“The horror of not feeling… You know, I see people around me cry and laugh, I see you laugh and cry, I see you experience a number of emotions around me and I don't know what it is and what you feel. I don't understand the ones I know, like sadness or happiness, and I have no clue what other emotions you feel, feel like. I can't comprehend it… It's horrible because I don't know. It's horrible when you see so much of everything around you but you don't understand anything. Like I said before. I'm just a shell of a human that is supposed to be, but I will never be, I will never feel and my life will never be normal.
I'm different but why don't I have a choice? Why can't I decide on my own life? I know that my decisions will hurt people around me but what about me? Should I do things just because of other people? Just because I don't really feel, it doesn't mean that I don't feel useless. It's hard to describe but I know that there is nothing here for me. I know that I can't really do much and I know that in the end of the day, I will end up hurting people around me if I want it or not. I know that I will never get better and I will never understand the world and people. But I still don't know why people deny me my own decisions. I just see the world differently. If people can feel compassion, how can they not understand me and see how worthless I feel and that things will never change.”
Youngjae listened to the other boy, understanding what he was trying to say, but he knew that living up to the others request was somewhat impossible. He could not sleep soundly, knowing that he had given someone a green light to end their life. But in the same time he tied to put himself into the others shoes.
“Sometimes I imagine what hate feels like. I want to hate myself but I can't because I don't know what hate feels like. Sometimes I want to love people, I imagine a strong emotion of affection and happiness, but I don't know anything about it. I don't know what it's supposed to feel like and I fail at the most simple task of life. I read that falling in love is supposed to be the best feeling in the word and I mean in the end of the day, people spend their whole life looking for that other person. Every single person in this world looks for love and I can't. I can't look for love because I'll never feel it, I'll never know what I'm supposed to feel for the other person because I don't and won't feel.”
Youngjae tried his best to take in all the words escaping the other boys thoughts. It was hard to listen to Daehyun. It hurt him to see him like that. He despretly exhaled and took the other boys hand in his own, giving it a light squeeze of reassurance.
“Maybe love isn't a really great emotion. Yes it sounds poetic when you read about it or see movies. It seems so wonderful but in reality it can be quite gruesome. It's because you can't decide who you fall in love with. You just do and that's the end. If you're lucky and person loves you back it's all good but… but if you fall in love with a person who doesn't love you back and never will… It just hurts. It hurts physically and mentally and it's just torture.”
He looked into Daehyun's eyes. Those deep pits, knowing that he finally reached the bottom as there was nothing left.
“Falling in love hurts. It hurts because you can't choose….” the words trailed into the air sorounding them as Youngjae didn't continue..
“Have you ever fallen in love?” the question pinched the blonde boy as he frowned.
“I think I did… But it was with the wrong person and now all that's left are a few stinging memories and pain.” his frown deepened.
“It feels good for a moment or two but after you realise that it will never be, it just hurts. It doens't go away. I just hurts.”
The brown haired boy nodded somehow understandingly.
“You'll find someone someday.” he tried to sooth the clearly pained boy.
Youngjae's grip on Daehyuns hand was stronger as he tried to fight back the tears building up inside him again. He didn't see the serious boy sitting next to him through the watery curtains.
“You have to let me go.”
Youngjae looked at the boy confused.
“You have to set me free and just let me be Youngjae.” Daehyun's serious expression was frightening. But it was all clear at that moment.
“You're not supposed to hurt anymore because of me...”
Youngjae shook his head rapidly.He wasn't sure if he could let the other go. He knew that it would be selfish to ask anything from the other but could he just walk away and forget about everything that happened, about everything he felt? He knew that forgetting the older boy was impossible. He knew that the pain he felt would last for a long time, he knew that he wouldn't be able to erase what happened. However, despite it all, he looked at the older boy one last time, sending a weak smile as he stood up. He wasn't sure what was happening but he knew that it was the right thing to go. Tears were now again rolling down his heated cheeks as he made his way across the room. Taking the door handle in his hand he paused for a second, debating wether or not he should turn around. He didn't.
Pushing the handle, he escaped the claustrophobic room, leaving the other boy behind.
He didn't stop to say goodbye to Daehyun's mother. He wanted to but knew that it was impossible; he had to get out. He needed to escape the empty corridors of pain and death.
Walking and running down the street he stopped after a few blocks. He clenched on the fabric of his shirt with one hand, at the place of his heart. It hurt. It hurt as nothing he ever felt before but at least he had answers he longed for and he made amends. He knew that there was nothing left for him to give to the emotionless boy. They both knew that it was helpless.
“Daehyun…” he whispered, trying to regain his vision while drying away his tears with his hand. He knew that he had to get out of that place. He knew that he had to leave the other boy behind. It was the only way he could maybe live and love again one day and it was Daehyun's wish. It was the only way to repay the boy who saved him and he did it, despite the pain. He wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do or not but now there was no turning back.
“I-I shouldn't have fallen in love with you…”
-
Daehyun sat in his room, looking at the open door left behind the other boy. It was good that the other left. He knew that there was nothing left to give and he knew that what the other wanted was out of his reach. It was the best for both. He didn't want to hurt the other boy or anyone else anymore. He had enough.
He stared blankly at the door, trying to understand the weird pain he felt inside his chest.
“Youngjae…” he whispered, holding his hand up to the place that hurt.
“If I could feel I think I'd be in love with you...” he said emotionlessly.
“Maybe if we meet in a different life, where I'll be able to feel and we'll fall in love again. Maybe than we'll both find happiness, but as for now we both have to hurt in our own ways; we both have to go through hardship on our own.” His words were empty as he played with rather rough cloth between his fingers. The rough surface of a line that was now marking the end and the freedom he longed for. He chuckled looking down at freedom being wrapped between his fingers.
“I hope we meet again.”
...
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Omg it's over! :OOO I'm sorry for the late chapter but I had a little writers block for this chapter and I didn't want it to be really badly written. I really don't know how you will feel about the ending though... O.O
Anyways, this was fun to write and I really have to thank everyone who subscribed, commented and supported this story because it really meant a lot!!! :DD
Since it's the end please let me know what you think about the last chap and the story in general! :D comments and feedback are still welcomed! (good or bed, I don't care ;))
Well that's it! I hope you enjoyed and maybe you can check out my other ongoing fics:
JONGLO angst - Jongup what can I do?
Thank you again and I love you all <3333
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