I have never been the type of girl to jump head first into a relationship, much less even take a single step towards one. But with this never ending fear,

building up walls around myself, particularly around my heart, has led me into the state of nothingness that I am now.

I was always afraid of my feelings being exposed, to the point of paraonoia. Everywhere I went, if a close friend and I were discussing the person I fancied, I would

constantly swivel my head around the vicinity to be sure that person, or even a friend of that person's was nowhere within earshot of our conversation.

And with all the ridiculousness that surrounded these antics of mine, I unfortunately paid the greatest price. Never would I have thought that I could endure such a

tragedy as this. I grew scared, so I fled. And with this, I thought I was doing the best thing for myself, running away, and carefully tucking away my heart along with

my escape, not facing the reaction of the one who caused my increasing heart palpitation's everytime they were near by.

It all began when I was at a friend's house for a group project. Yooli, Minhyuk, Hoya and I were gathered in Yooli's living room, pasting letters onto a large white

poster board for our Human Ethics presentation. After drinking a bit too much iced tea that Yooli's mom had served us, I excused myself to go use the restroom.

While I walked down the long stretch of hallway, I could hear my three group mates chatting amiably, about Teacher Shim's different sides, going from irritable

one moment, and empathetic the next.

But as soon as I reached the door of the restroom, and I started to open it, something in Yooli's voice startled me, making everyone muscle in my body tense

up. Her voice rang out clear and true as she stated, in front of Minyuk as well, much to my dismay, "You know Hoya ssi, Eun Ji really likes you."

Oh-my-what-the-she did not just--I-what--must--leave-now-.

  Obviously my thoughts were becoming scattered, but I had to act fast despite this. I could have calmly walked back and laughed at the absurdity of her words,

except I knew deep inside that they were true.

I also knew that she was trying to help me because she would constanly tell me to just "woman up" and tell him already. But that wasn't my style. I didn't

even have a style of confessing.

However I chose the most absurd action I could think of. Closing the bathroom door behind me as if I had not heard her words, I walked across the tile floor of

the bathroom, and grabbed hold of both sides of the window, and pulled myself up to the window sill, pushing with one foot off of the closed toilet seat for more

leverage.

Then I grabbed the cord for the window blinds and pulled it up all the way, and unlocked the window panes so I had a clear opening to get through.

Pushing myself onto the window sill, I took a deep breath and jumped the four feet down to the front lawn of Yooli's house, and started running across the freshly

watered grass, my shoes sloshing against the slight muddiness, but I kept running all the way to the main road, trying to head away from the house as quickly

as possible.

What happened next was a complete blur to me. All I knew was that I heard a loud car horn, and screaming. Was it Yooli's voice? Or was it mine?

-

    So here I am, practically nothing, maybe made of air if you wanted to be nice. A ghost, if you wanted to be practical.

The turn of events after this life changing event happened, were odd not to say the least. Yooli, was the only person that I was able to clealry hear and see me.

She became a medium for me, since I was no longer in human form. Thought this might have been helpful to some people, there was one thing that really broke

me. Though I asked her to keep it a secret about my where abouts, that I was still hovering around earth, once again she revealed my secret. But for good

measure.

[Play] Remember-U-Kiss (acoustic version)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vinvIDG9cHs

 Hoya now knew that I still roamed around the earth. And so Yooli set up a reunion, much to my protests, but she begged and pleaded, assuring me it would be

in my best interest to stick around. Even though Hoya could no longer see or hear me, I still felt that same shyness as I slowly approached him and just stood

in front of him, while Yooli intermediated.

The strange thing was, which really threw me off guard, was he knew where to look so we were eye to eye. Though Yooli and I both knew for a fact he could not

see me. I blinked normally, as Yooli began her interception of this meeting.

She cleared once, a bit awkwardly. Glancing from me to Hoya, she started speaking. "Um, okay well, as you already know, Eunji is right here, and

Eunji as you know Hoya is right here too." She stated as we both looked at her like with stoic expressions. She laughed nervously.

"Sorry sorry. Um Eunji is there anything you want to say?" She asked me, since she had to relay my words back to Hoya.I thought for a moment, and then

nodded, and told her my request.

Hoya turned to her, questioningly. "She wanted to know whether you would want to maybe go for a walk?" Yooli relayed back to him. He stuck his hands in his

jean pockets, and nodded. "Sure." He replied, and Yooli just told him to start walking wherever and that Eunji would follow along.

As Hoya started to walk towards the shops of the main district, Eunji walked beside him in tandem. Yooli waved goodbye, and excused herself knowing that

although they'd need an interpreter, it was not the time for her to be there. Hoya could call her later on if he needed any clarification.

Even though Hoya could not see me, I could still see him tense up a little bit, his shoulders squaring slightly as he stopped his walking. He turned his head

towards my direction, and I stopped walking as well, and just waited.

"Eunji ah, I--..I really wish you hadn't run away like that, and I blame myself for it." He told me, his expression growing dark, and his voice breaking slightly, with anguish and remorse.

I was in shock. How could he blame himself for my own stupidity? Sure, I ran because of my feelings toward him. But it's not like he pushed me onto the main

road, to get hit by a car.

Everything that happened to me was my own fault. No one else was to blame for the way things turned out. I tried to reach out, and place a re-assuring hand on

his shoulder, but quickly withdraw my arm, remembering no one could feel my presence.

I sighed. As he continued on with his thoughts about my accident.

 "And the thing is, you didn't need to run like that because of what Yooli told me because, I like you too." He further explained, and I felt my legs give way slightly, at this sudden news.

I had no idea. No inkling at all that by some chance, his feelings actually mirrored mine.

If I could weep tears, I would have cried more tears than the Han River could encompass, even more than the ocean could hold.

I wept my own invisible tears, as I saw his face was just as sad as my own. I extended my arm out again, and tried to clasp his hand, only for my fingers to go right through them without any contact.

If I could scream in anguish, I would have done so at that instant.

But the only thing we could do was weep.

The closest we've ever been was also the farthest, because of the unfortunate decision I made.

So close, yet so far.

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Isabel Santos Copyright 2012.

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