I’ve absolutely run out of things to do I realized as I looked around the apartment. I’ve washed the clothes, hung them out to dry, dusted the shelves and cleaned up the kitchen. My need to throw off extra energy from way too much sleep made me send the ahjumma home early after she cooked a nice meal for me. One that wouldn’t make me regurgitate the contents of my stomach. I took a bite from the whole cucumber I had in my hand, basically the only thing I could eat happily. Now that I’ve shifted things around, the living room looked like it could use a few odd pieces of décor. Maybe Ji Yong could fill it with things he collected on his tour stops.

 

The talk with sajangnim yesterday went pretty well. His soft spots for children were clearly obvious as soon as I told him I was expecting, when he broke into a smile and patted my shoulder in congratulations. Without a second thought he let me finish up any of my imminent projects and take a rest and best of all, he promised to keep it from Ji Yong. I feel horrible whenever we talk or text, a part of me just screaming to tell him about this beautiful news. I sought comfort in lying down on the couch, revelling in the silence that was this apartment. It was welcomed for a few days, now I hate it. Well if I can’t have Ji Yong’s cheerful voice resonate in our home, I guess I’ll just have to stick with Ms Etta James. With a touch of the remote the beautiful music started. 

 

 

Damn it, I cursed to myself. Etta even knows how lonely I am and she’s basically taunting me. I missed him so much. I felt a tear escape my eyes and quickly wiped it away, but dozens more followed after. These raging hormones just make everything ten times worse as well, I swear I was just high on energy not five minutes ago and here I was a bawling little sop. Maybe it’s good that Ji Yong isn’t here after all, the poor man would be completely confused. I chuckled at the thought of how antsy he would be around the house, getting this and that for me, not knowing how to react when I laugh, cry and get angry all in the same hour. That’s alright; his torture can begin after tonight. 

 

“Ooph,” I exclaimed, as I collected all of my inner strength to peel myself off the comfort of the leather couch. My manager was picking me up in the next hour so that we could head to the arena and currently I was not in the state to be seen in public, by anyone. In what could only have been world record time, I freshened myself up in a simple t-shirt and jeans. It might be the last time I can wear this ensemble in a while. I put on a little bronzer, some lip gloss and a touch of perfume then rushed off to the bathroom to ease my shrinking bladder. Goodness I was so excited I couldn’t still the excited hammering in my heart, not just to see Ji Yong but to see the boys up on stage as five after what seemed like forever. Not only me, but every one of their fans were waiting and anticipating.

 

But in my sweet reverie, I almost didn’t see it. My clumsiness and ignorance almost made me miss it… the blood. It pooled in the toilet bowl and as I slid my hands between my legs, they came out shaking and tinted with red. 

 

“No…” I breathed. “No, no, no, no, no.” It felt like ten thousand tons of bricks came crashing down on me and my mind almost turned completely blank. But I didn’t even have the time to cry or be riddled with panic, all I knew was that I needed to save this baby. As carefully as I possibly could I walked up to my phone and dialled Ji Hye. She picked up in her usual chirpy voice.

 

“Unni! Wait just a little, we’ll be here soon…”

 

“Ji Hye…” I said.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I need you to do something for me, okay? Call Nam Gook oppa and please tell him to tell Ji Yong that I can’t make it tonight. Tell him it was a work emergency and I’m so sorry.”

 

“What!?” she exclaimed, concern clearly in her voice. “Unni, why?”

 

“Just do it for me, please. Call him and quickly get to the apartment, I need you to take me to the hospital… there’s something wrong with me… with my baby.” I was trying to stay calm in the best way that I could, but my voice faltered at the end. Honestly, I was just so terrified, and there was no one here.

“Oh my goodness…” Ji Hye breathed.

 

“Don’t tell Ji Yong, whatever you do.”

 

“…I know, I’ve got it. Unni, we’ll be right there, just stay where you are.” I could only nod, the rest of my mind was focused on calming my body. No more ill would come to this baby of mine, not if I could help it. So that’s what I did when Ji Hye came rushing into the apartment with my trusty driver. I focused on my breathing as I walked towards the car and as we drove to the hospital. Ji Hye did whatever she could to soothe me with kind words and strangely it was news on how well the Big Bang concert started off that I felt the tension lessen. At least I knew that Ji Yong was fine. I kept calm all throughout as I waited in the hospital room, laid to rest on their bed, but when I saw the kind face of my OB/GYN doctor, I just couldn’t keep my mind controlled any longer and I broke down crying. She told me to trust her and believing that she sent me to sleep. 

 

I didn’t dream a single thing as my body rested itself. A nightmare would be seen as a premonition and a beautiful dream of our child would worsen the pain, so I guess I’d rather not dream a thing. That way, at least I could still hope for an unknown. My eyes fluttered upon to a mellow oriental painting of women working in the fields of what I could only presume to be a long time ago. It was one of those paintings that you were sure you had seen before at one point in time, but I gazed at it as if it were the Mona Lisa, a weak attempt to occupy my thoughts with everything except reality. I slept a long while it seemed, the sun set had turned into the pitch black of night and I could see the lights from the small corner window of the hospital room. It was so quiet. There was no one here except for me and… I peered down onto my stomach and my shaking hands moved to rest against it. There was no more blood but I had no idea what that meant and I wasn’t all too keen on finding out soon. At this moment I was just apologetic to the baby, to Ji Yong… I should have done better, done more.

 

“Mian-hae…” I whispered to whoever would listen. “I’m so, so sorry.” My hands tightly grasped the bed sheet and my head bowed down, struggling to carry the grief that was in my heart. Is this the pain that mothers go through when their children are hurt or crying? If it is, I don’t think I can handle it. It’s like a part of me is being ripped away and I had no idea how to fill that huge gaping void.

 

It was the snap of the sliding door being brashly opened which knocked me out of my stupor. My head looked up to find Ji Yong, covered in sweat and breathless leaning against the door way, his eyes wide with a hundred different emotions. His stage make up was starting to smear but he had changed into a plain black outfit, the one they usually used for their encore stages. Looking at his deranged face filled with worry, relief, anger, anxiety, confusion… pain, the guilt I already garnered inside suddenly increased ten-fold but I couldn’t look away from him. This was my wrongdoing, and he had to know that. 

 

“I’m sorry…” I said shakily, shaking my head to stop myself from crying but my body did so anyway. “Ji Yong it’s my fault, I should’ve taken care of myself more, I should’ve…” I couldn’t finish my sentence because wordlessly he came to my side and embraced me tightly so that I could barely breathe. I drank in his warmth and his scent, grabbing his shirt as if it were my lifeline and as I felt his body shake the tears pooled once more. For a long while we stayed like that, in each other’s arms, each other’s wounds but it was in that time that I thought maybe, if we were together, we would be able to live through this. If I were with Ji Yong maybe, just maybe, this pain would be a little bit more bearable. 

 

 

AN: Next chapter! Enjoy lovelies! =D