Kwangmin’s POV

I watched as a blurred image of a mother and her son play around in an enormous garden filled with lively blooming flowers and perfectly trimmed grass. They giggled as they lied down on the grass trying to catch their breaths after rounds of chasing. The mother sat and looked at her son lovingly as if she was painting his image in her mind detail by detail. The son sat up too and stared back at his mother. Somehow, I got a vague feeling I’ve seen this before...in the young boy’s point of view.

“Mom, why are you crying? Are you sad?”

“No son, these are tears of joy,” she smiled.

“Tears of joy? I thought tears are only for sadness and for tummy aches....and doctors and their mean pointy objects.”

“Well, there are also tears for joy,” the young boy tilted his head in confusion. “They are the remnants of long suffering and pain. When it’s over you can’t help but squeeze a few more drops of tears until you're ready to face another one.”

“I get it now mom! But what did mom suffer from?”

The mother smiled and sobbed at the same time as she grabbed the boy in her embrace.

I woke up with that same light feeling again like I’m in the middle of an undisturbed paradise. I inhaled softly and a wonderful and delicate scent entered my nostrils. I opened my eyes to check if I was indeed in a paradise but saw waves of dark brown instead. I noticed that my arm is drape around a slim waist too.

“Youngmin...” I unconsciously whispered when I realized it was him inside my arms. He was sleeping with his back faced to me and pressed against my chest. I snuggled closer and then, “Oh my god!” I jumped out of a bed within a second after I realized what I was doing. I sat on the floor and palmed my face with both hands.

Relax Kwangmin...you were half-awake...you were unconscious of what you were doing. Oh !

I heard the ruffling of the thick quilt and I realized Youngmin must have woken up.

“Kwangmin...are you okay?”

I removed the hands from my face (he must have thought I was going crazy which I probably am at the moment) only to get my heart leap out from my chest. Youngmin was sitting on the bed wearing a slightly messy bed hair and the left side of his pajama top sliding a bit from his shoulder. His eyes looked dazed and innocent probably trying to comprehend what I was doing on the floor. I gulped as I stood from my place, sat down back on the bed and fixed his top with my trembling hand.

“It’s cold,” I explained my actions briefly before he jumps into conclusions. “It’s still early. Go back to sleep.”

“But I can’t go back to sleep after I’ve woken up...” he yawned after that and I can’t help but snort at the contradiction.

“It’s true! I might be sleepy but I won’t fall asleep.”

“Okay, if you say so.”

There was a moment of silence after that and damn! How do I deal with this? Everything is new to me and I don’t really know where to start.

“Kwangmin...” I turned to him when he called my name gently. “Have you...have you really forgiven me now?”

I watched his hopeful face for a while after he had asked that question. He looked really pure and unblemished. Why is such creature asking for forgiveness? What did he exactly do to feel the hurt of being unforgiven? And what right do I have to do this kind of thing to him?

“Kwangmin, why are you crying?”

That’s when I realized that a tear had fallen down from my eye, followed by another one, and another one, until I broke out into sobs.

This time, he was the one who embraced me tightly and my back. What right do I have to receive such care from him?

He heaved a sigh before speaking, “It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself if you’re not ready. I’m sorry if-”

I shook my head strongly before he utter another apology. I don’t want to hear those words laced with pain anymore. I wanted to say I was sorry. It was my fault. I was stupid. I was selfish. You were nothing but an angel to me but I pushed you away. I pushed everyone away because I was childish and stupid. I was choking from my own anguish nothing came out from my mouth. But Youngmin didn’t let me go and he didn’t ask me anymore.

Youngmin’s POV

We lied back in bed parallel to each other, just enjoying the peaceful cold morning.

“Yesterday, when I fell, I heard you calling my name,” I broke the silence.

He didn’t react about what I had said but I can feel that he was thinking about it.

“I want to hear it again.”

He looked confusedly at me with my strange request.

“In case you didn’t know that was the second time you mentioned my name without...uhm...without negative feelings,” I couldn’t think of a better word for hatred.

He looked at me with his eyes filled with disbelief and shock, “I’ve hurt you that much...didn’t I?”

I didn’t want our conversation to head to that gloomy topic so I tried to laugh it off, “Come on Kwangmin, it doesn’t matter anymore! Just say my name one more time.”

He stared at me intensely and I don’t really understand why he seemed to have the habit of staring at me since last night. It was like he was reading and scanning my thoughts first before answering.

“Youngmin...” He said with the gentlest voice I have ever heard from him, I can’t help but smile.

“Hey, you forgot to add ‘hyung’. I’m older, remember?”

“Youngmin...Youngmin-h...hyu...argh! It doesn’t feel right.”

He frowned and so did I. It’s not that hard to say ‘hyung’ right? Well, it might have nothing to do with the pronunciation but probably his acceptance of the fact that I’m his older brother.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It doesn’t feel right. Youngmin...Youngmin...that’s better.”

"What do you mean by 'that's better'?"

"Just...it's just better. By the way, you said it was my second time. You mean you remember the very first time I had mentioned your name? I mean...it must have been before you got... sick right?"

"Yes...we were six years old."

"Six? I don't remember anything when I was six."

I sighed, "That's because you forget easily. Anyway when we were young you barely speak even though you know how to. For the first five years of your life you had never mentioned my name."

"Then how did I mention your name for the first time?"

"You asked me to stay."

"I'm scared. Youngmin...please stay..."

"Stay for what?"

"I...I forgot..." Fortunately, someone knocked before he could ask me further. 

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“It’s me,” it was Donghyun-hyung who answered. I immediately sat on the bed but a strong pull made me lie back down again. I gave Kwangmin a puzzled look while he was scowling at me.

“What’s wrong Kwangmin? Donghyun-hyung’s at the door,” he scowled even more. “He’s probably calling us for breakfast so we should get up now.”

“Youngmin?” Donghyun-hyung called. “Breakfast’s ready.”

“We’ll be there in a minute hyung!”

“Oh, okay. I’ll go first.”

I sat up again and he didn’t pull me back this time. “Let’s go Kwangmin!”

He grunted and looked annoyed but he stood up and got ready anyway. I still need to get used to my brother’s weird moods and actions.

The two of us entered the dining room and everyone stopped whatever they were doing and stared at us like we’re some unexpected visitors. That’s when it hit me that this was probably the first time they saw us go together without being forced to.

My father was the one who got out of trance, “Sons,” he smile genuinely and he was looking really pleased. “Take your seats before the breakfast gets cold.”

“Yes dad,” I answered while Kwangmin kept quiet. I was surprised to find Donghyun-hyung not on his usual sit beside me so Kwangmin had no choice but to seat on hyung’s spot. I looked at hyung and he winked at me. I can’t help but smile at him. Suddenly, a hand pulled mine under the table and I turned to my right. Kwangmin was holding my hand but he was looking somewhere else like he wasn’t doing anything. Even though I didn’t understand, I held his hand back and we both let go at the same time when we started eating.

“By the way,” my mom spoked and her aura was oozing with happiness. At least that’s what I felt. “We’re going back to the ski resort because these kids said they weren’t able to ski that much due to some incidents they seemed to have trouble explaining.” Jungmin-hyung chocked on his bread and Hyunseong-hyung patted his back. “Are you okay Jungminie?”

“Yes auntie. Sorry about that.”

“No problem. Anyway, you two okay with that?” she turned to us.

“Of course mom. I still have a lot to learn from Donghyun-hyung!”

This time, it was Kwangmin who choked on his bread.

“What’s wrong with this bread?” My father examined the said food. “I’ll order from another bakeshop next time.”

As usual, I got ready faster than the others so I decided to wait at the terrace first. Donghyun-hyung was there as well probably waiting for us. I’ve been wanting to thank him because the advice he gave me worked.

“Hyung!”

“Oh, Youngminie,” he smiled and I ran to hug him. “You’re feeling extra good aren’t you?” he hugged me back.

“Hyung~~~ how can I ever thank you enough?”

“For what?”

“For everything! Your advice worked. Yesterday when I was left alone with Kwangmin I tried to talk to him without feeling scared or anything. He responded pretty well and we’re getting along now! I can’t believe it hyung...I’m so happy!”

He chuckled, “You have nothing to thank me for. And I’m happy for you.”

Someone cleared his throat at the back and I instantly let go of Donghyun-hyung. I turned around and saw that it was Kwangmin who seems to be in a foul mood, “We have to get in the car now.” And he left without another word.

“Look’s like someone’s jealous,” hyung said.

“Jealous?” but instead of explaining, hyung just smiled and walked first. I hate it when he’s like that.

Kwangmin’s POV

We were all in the car with the same seat positions when we travelled towards here at Gangwon-do. I was sitting quietly as usual but my mood was definitely in the depths of hell as I saw that incident at the terrace a while ago. I was looking for Youngmin when I spotted him snuggling with Donghyun-hyung at the terrace. I don’t know why but my blood boiled I could probably melt the snow around our villa. Youngmin kept on glancing at me from time to time (I was doing the same thing too) and Donghyun-hyung has that arrogant look on his face. If only I could create a big snow ball and throw it at him.

I was sitting on the same stool I was sitting on yesterday and watched them wear their ski equipments.

“Are you going to sit there again?” Youngmin asked. “Let’s go ski!”

“I thought I told you already that I don’t ski.” More like I don’t want to ski because I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of you...especially when that Donghyun-hyung is around!

“Just try it Kwangmin! It’s fun! Or if you don’t really want you can just come and play with us. Don’t just waste your time there!” He offered me his gloved hand supported by a very bright hopeful smile, I couldn’t say no to that. I took his hand and stood up.

I don’t know how in the world am I going to play with them when I was the only one not skiing. Minwoo would always poke me with his ski pole from time to time to annoy me but he would ski fast away from me whenever I chase him. Donghyun-hyung is still teaching Youngmin and I would always frown everytime they would do unnecessary skinship. After a few rounds of skiing they finally pitied me and decided to play without ski. Minwoo suggested to play snowball fight and everyone agreed. The three hyungs teamed together and we, the dongsaengs, were left with no choice. At least Youngmin was in my team. The sly hyungs were really fast as we were practically bombed with snow within a few seconds. If I were my old self I would have probably walked away but Youngmin was laughing so much and joy was so evident on his face I decided to forgive the hyungs for now. We went to the Gondola lift after that bloody snowball fight.

“Jungmin-hyung, Hyunseong-hyung, do you want another Gondola lift on your own so you two can confess to each other all over again?”

The couple blushed and Jungmin-hyung slapped Minwoo hard at the back. Ha, serves him right. When we got on and the lift started moving, Youngmin was practically at awe with everything he saw. It was really amusing to watch him fascinated about...everything. He was like a child experiencing the world in a whole new perspective. He must have been really lonely being caged in that stinking prison which is the hospital. I wanted to be someone who’ll be able to show him more beautiful things the world has to offer but I had imprisoned myself too with my own hatred and bitterness. I had nothing to offer. Maybe he likes Donghyun-hyung better than me because of that.

We went home feeling really tired from all those activities. After dinner, they went back to their rooms while I spend an hour again at the terrace. Even though this place irritated me now because of what I saw earlier, it’s still more peaceful here. Due to tiredness, I didn’t notice myself falling asleep in the middle of reading a novel. A few hours had probably passed when I felt someone shaking me lightly.

“Kwangmin...why are you sleeping here?”

I opened my eyes and saw Youngmin in his sleeping attire. I rubbed my eyes and fixed my sitting position. “I fell asleep while reading...”

“Yeah, I was waiting for you but you didn’t come so I came looking for you. Isn’t it a bit cold here? And is this where you go every night?”

“Uh, yeah.”

He then sat beside me and hugged his knees, “I was wondering why you don’t come to our room early. During the first two days I thought it’s because you don’t want to be left alone with me.”

“That’s not really true...” I blurted out without thinking and I hope he wouldn’t get curious but he did.

“Then why?”

“Uhm...I just want to read a book before I go to sleep.”

“Why don’t you do it in our room? The light here is kinda dim plus it’s cold!”

I contemplated if I should tell him the real reason or not. Maybe if I tell him they’ll stop it. But if I do he’ll probably think I’m childish. And it’s not like they’re doing anything wrong anyway...it’s also for Youngmin’s sake-

“There you go again,” he said and looked down.

“Huh?”

“You’re lost in your own thoughts again...”

“N-no...I wasn’t...”

He looked at me again and smiled, but I noticed it wasn’t the bright smile that he used to have, “It’s okay. Sorry for saying that. It’s just that...I hope you’ll be more open with me next time. I guess I’m rushing this too much you probably-”

“Donghyun-hyung.” I cut him off. I just don’t want him to say that sorry word again.

“Huh?”

“Donghyun-hyung checks on you every night right? I could hear him enter your room and leave after a few minutes back in our home in Seoul. So I guess that’s a routine.”

“Oh...,” he was probably digesting the words that I had said and I was nervous on how he would react on that. “Oh yes he does. Sorry if you’re uncomfortable with that.”

“Will you please stop saying sorry?!” I couldn’t help myself but get ticked off everytime he apologizes.

He looked taken aback and scared just like before when I was still giving him the cold shoulder treatment and before he misinterprets everything I grabbed him by the shoulder and made him face me completely.

“I just don’t want you to feel that you’re at fault for everything. You’re not, do you understand? So don’t apologize to me ever again.”

His eyes softened and I felt like I just want to expose everything to him at that moment. Even though I myself don’t understand all of these frustrations that are continually building up inside me.

He nodded and stayed still in my hold, “And...I wasn’t just feeling uncomfortable with that nightly routine. And not just the nightly routine...everything you and Donghyun-hyung do together.”

“T-then what?”

My hands that was holding his shoulders tightly loosened a bit and moved to embrace him completely. “I’m jealous. How do I stop this feeling?”

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i feel like this chapter is a drag, sorry about that T_T

itsyoungmin /SOBS/ your comment really made me happy T~~~T i had actually created an AFF account to comment on a very wonderful fic I had read here too. 

jotwins0424 i will try to work on it but it will probably XD