Yubikiri
Just Another Nothing.
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So Here's chapter 2~
I apologize for any mistakes~
I hope you enjoy~ :D
OH and there should be less mistakes this time...I actually re-read this chapter! xD
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot and the picture~
Jonghyun had walked me home, saying that's what friends do. We really didn't talk much but it was kind of...nice to have someone to walk home with. Though I really wasn't sure how much I trusted him yet, maybe we could actually be friends...Yeah right. I could at least dream. He asked if he could come over but I told him maybe some other time. I wasn't ready to let him in my house. I walked into my home, only my grandmother was home but she was in the computer room, where she always was. She was medically unable to work so she had nothing else better to do since Grandfather wouldn't allow her to have friends in real life. She could at least tear herself away from the computer for a second to welcome me home. Even if I went in there and said something to her she wouldn't say anything to me. I thought I was supposed to be the one like that, always glued to a computer, since you know I was the teenager. But Grandmother, she should at least pay attention to her own kid, I mean I'm not actually hers by birth but legally I am her son.
Grandfather was at work, since Grandmother couldn't work and he wouldn't let me get a job because of school, he was at work every weekday till about six. When Grandfather was home all he did was drink, yell at Grandmother, or me, then insult me about my grades. Grandfather, though he was very old, he was still very strong like he used to be in his younger days. He used to play every kind of sport he could. He was very disappointed I was not the least bit athletic and never hesitated to point that out to me.
He basically took every opportunity to point out to me that I am a failure and will never be good enough because nothing I do is up to his standards so I just quit trying. He doesn't know that though; I'm very skilled at lying. I put on a fake smile everyday for my grandparents and they never saw through it, I don't think they ever cared enough too. But it's okay all I am is a mistake, I deserve this.
I made my way up to my room threw my backpack on the ground. I took my phone out of my backpack and got my headphones. I really didn't need a phone but Grandfather tries to make up for the ty way he treats me with material items that I could care less about. Though I do like my smart phone, and if I was a normal teenager I might actually use it to talk to people but I only have my grandparents phone numbers in here. I unwrapped my headphones from my phone then went straight to the bathroom. On my phone I had a list of the dates and how many times I have cut on for each day. How I do it is if I cut one day I'll add it to the day before then I'll write the sum down on the list with the date. Right now I think the total sum in somewhere at 2,000. I don't know why but I feel the need to document my cuts because I feel if I don't that one day my scars might fade and what if I forget about this? I doubt I could but it's possible, and I really don't want to forget about my cutting it has been such an important part of my life. If I ever stop, which I probably won't, I don't want to forget.
I sit down on bathroom floor, I removed my shirt and hoodie. My gaze lingered on my hoodie for a second; how I hate that damn jacket. If I could I'd burn it I would. I have to wear it every day, I have no choice. I have to. It gets very annoying. It only has bad memories to go with it. I really loathe its entire being. But I cling to it like a safety blanket. I never feel safe going anywhere without it. I have to wear it, if I even left my room without my hoodie I'd panic. I despise it: but I need it. One day, when I don't feel like hiding anymore I'll burn it and stomp on its ashes.
I slowly pulled my shirt off over my head, as I pulled it off a world of secrets was exposed. No one would guess what I was hiding under my clothes. No one would ever know about the scars that marred my body, the only evidence of the war I fought every day in my head. It was a war between myself and my mind, and it's really hard to kill a demon that lives inside you without killing yourself too. I looked down at the cuts I'd made earlier. It looked like some horrible monster decided to claw me which wasn't that far from the truth. I individually counted each cut, then did it again to be more exact. 132. That wasn't the worst damage I've ever done. I added it to the total from the day before, the total was now 2,335. I picked up my phone and added it to the list I kept on the notepad app.
I sighed and picked up my pajamas off the bathroom floor. I pulled off my skinny jeans and pulled on my plaid pajama pants then pulled the short sleeved t-shirt. I didn't have any long sleeved pajamas so I had to sleep in the stupid hoodie too. I took the blade out of the pocket and hid it in the bathroom drawer, I had my own bathroom so there was no risk of them being found. I pulled my hoodie back on grabbed my phone and exited the bathroom.
I went back to my room and laid down on my bed. The misery I kept inside me was making it's self very apparent. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't make it go away. I just had to deal with it. I grabbed my headphones, plugged them in my phone and pressed play. The music was up as loud as it could go. I wasn't really listening to it though I just closed my eyes and descended into the depths of my mind. I was exhausted. I had nothing to live for, if I was normal I'd be doing my homework right now but I knew I'd never do it. I couldn't. I just...I was so ing tired of everything I hated getting up in the morning. I hated going to school. I hated seeing a bunch of happy kids that wouldn't even notice if I committed suicide. I was tired of going home ever yday and having to practically go deaf at the volume of my music because I didn't want to listen to my Grandfather yell at Grandmother. Why does my life have to be like this?
The song ended and I was now very aware my Grandfather was home.His thunderous voice echoing through the house each word piercing my heart like a dagger. He just kept yelling and yelling. I couldn't take it I hate yelling, I hate it so much. I turned my music back on really not caring what song it was as long as I didn't have to hear him yelling. It worked until he decided to stomp his way upstairs and throw my door open. I nearly jumped out my own skin; I turned the music off and ripped my headphones out.
"KEY! WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT THAT STUPID MUSIC?! TURN IT DOWN! I'VE BEEN CALLING YOUR NAME FOR SEVERAL MINUTES!" He screamed his face turning red.
"...I'm sorry." I said shrinking back away from him.
"You always say you're sorry Key! Now why don't you stop doing it?" He took a step closer to me. All I did was shrug. He sighed.
"So, Key, Have you done your homework yet?" He asked I nodded.
"Good. I expect you to do well in school."
"I will." I lied.
"Okay Key, come downstairs in a few minutes, dinner will be ready soon." He left, slamming my door.
He always calls me Key. I despise that name. He only does it because Kibum is the name my birth mother gave me, and anything to do with her he hated. It's bad enough I look almost exactly like her, so he decided to give me a nickname. He even tried to put that down as my first name when he enrolled me in school but thank god my grandmother stopped him. He thinks I told the teachers at school to call me Key, but I really didn't. My name is not Key, it is Kibum.
Key, and Kibum are two different people. Key is who my grandparents perceive me to be, a perfect student with good grades, a happy kid that never does anything wrong. If only they knew, the teacher never noticed I was late everyday because I always snuck in, the only reason they think I have good grades is because I always manage to do enough work throughout the year to always get c's in my classes and then when it gets close to the time before report cards I just do all my work and get my grades up to B's and A's. Well that's what I used to do...Now I could really care less. I'll never be good enough anyways. Kibum is who I really am. Just a hideous failure addicted to slicing his skin open. That's all I'll ever be, this depression will never go away.
The next day I walked in to school slowly. The bell hadn't rung yet but it probably would before I got to class. Oh well. I sighed as I walked towards class. Today I had switched to my gray hoodie and a pair of skinny blue jeans. I still had on the sparkly shoes, I only wore them because it reminded me of how I used to be. I used to have fun with clothes, wearing whatever I liked. But now I can't, I have to wear a stupid hoodie or long sleeves all the time. Plus I just couldn't find interest in things I used to love. I used to love to dance but I was so horrible. I kept putting myself down so I stopped dancing a few years ago. I bet I can't even dance remotely close to how I used to.
I made my way into class right as the bell rang, For once I was on time. I was walking to my seat, expecting Jonghyun to have completely forgotten about me, but when I walked past he looked up.
"Hi Kibum." He smiled. My eyes widened. He still wanted to talk to me? Why hasn't he forgotten me like everyone else? Didn't he understand someone like me was meant to be left alone? I didn't say anything I just nodded in response and sat down. I wondered if maybe Jonghyun was different...A small part of me hoped he was. But in my heart I knew he wasn't, he couldn't be, nobody ever was. It doesn't matter I really don't care I'm at the point where I've bottled up so much, so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions I really don't feel anymore. The only time I can let those emotions out is when I cut. I'm so pathetic. I sighed and slid down in my seat, resting my head on my arms. I wish I didn't have to think anymore.
Once again after class, Jonghyun waited for Kibum. And once again Kibum took his sweet time getting all his things together. Finally Kibum finished and Jonghyun walked out with him.
"So Kibum, Since we're friends now I was wondering if it was okay if I ate lunch with you again, I'm sorry everything went so bad yesterday I promise I won't make you cry again or anything. So promise you won't dramatically run away again?" Jonghyun looked over at him, giving him his best puppy eyes. Kibum took one glance at Jonghyun and his face burned red. Kibum took a deep breath trying to banish all thoughts of how handsome Jonghyun was out of his mind. Kibum fixed his gaze back on the floor and nodded.
"I promise..." Jonghyun's face lit up like a Christmas tree.
"Great! So since you're letting me sit with you could I possibly bring my friends too? They're really nice, I promise! Maybe you could be friends with them too so you'll have three friends instead of one!" Jonghyun grinned excitedly, Jonghyun had been thinking about how lonely Kibum seemed so he thought this might a good idea.
Kibum considered this. He knew that Jonghyun and his friends would end up hating him but why not try? At least Kibum wouldn't have to be alone for a while until they started hating him.
"That's fine."
"Okay! I'll see you at lunch Kibum!" Jonghyun waved enthusiastically. Kibum grinned a little, you could barely tell though it was only a slight twitch of the lips but Jonghyun saw it. Jonghyun did a little victory dance on the inside, he was making progress! Soon he'd figure this Kibum out!
I made my way over to my normal spot and sat down. I was kind of nervous, I didn't really like being around people. I was barely used to Jonghyun and now he was bringing his friends? Why does he want to be around me so badly? There's nothing special about me I'm just worthless...I completely spaced out, descended into my world of self hate so I didn't notice when Jonghyun sat down next to me and his friends sat across from us... I didn't notice HE was with them.
"Hey Kibum!" Jonghyun greeted him. I looked up and froze...Oh no.... Oh no.
"These are my friends Lee Taemin and Choi Minho." Taemin grinned at him cutely and Minho stared at him; shock and recognition written all over his face.
"Key?" Minho asked.
"...Hi Minho." I could barely even say his name. Jonghyun looked between us confused. Minho turned to Jonghyun.
"Ah, Key is his nickname, Jonghyun. and yes we know each other." I really wished we didn't.
"How?" Jonghyun asked.
"We're step brothers, My dad married his mom." Minho answered. Of course he wouldn't mention we used to be best friends. I needed to get out of here, I hated seeing Minho. I can't take this...But I promised Jonghyun I wouldn't run. But I couldn't take this...It hurts so much.
"Minho! I'm your best friend and you never mentioned you had a step brother! I knew you had a brother, but not a step brother! I've been to your house before though, I've never seen Kibum there!" Jonghyun exclaimed. A Brother? ha. Of course, No one knew that Minho's brother, the one that lived with him, was actually his step brother. He wasn't Minho's brother, He was mine. But that didn't matter...Not anymore.
"Kibum doesn't live with us..." Minho answered. Jonghyun was about to ask where he lived but was cut off.
"Hyungs, Stop! It looks like Kibum is getting really upset." Taemin, whom I forgot was there, said. My eyes widened. He could tell? I thought I was good at hiding my emotions...But then I felt something wet on my cheeks...Oh . Stupid ing Minho. He just had to be one of Jonghyun's friends didn't he?
"Oh great. I made him cry again! Please don't cry Kibum, I'm sorry!" Jonghyun eyes widened with concern.
"...It's not your fault Jonghyun, Don't worry." I whispered then ran off.
"Kibum wait!" This time Jonghyun followed after me. I ran to the bathroom and almost got the stall locked, But Jonghyun burst in after me. I had made it into one of the bigger handicap stalls so we weren't cramped. I just stared at him for a few seconds before staggering back and sliding down against the wall sobbing. I wanted to cut god damn it! Why did he have to follow me?! Jonghyun rushed over to me and put his arm Around my shoulder. He didn't say anything, he didn't ask what was wrong. All he did was put his arm around me to comfort me.
My eyes widened no one had ever done that before...No one ever comforted me before...and that only made me cry more. I gave into his touch and buried my face in his shoulder as I started sobbing even harder. He brought his hand up to comfortingly my hair. Why was he being so nice to me? I didn't deserve this! I was just a piece of trash abandoned by his family. Left to be taken care of by his grandparents! I don't even know my dad, he left when I was three. My mother pretends she cares about me but she really gave me up. My Brother, oh my brother. He was so amazing. I loved him very much. But we barely saw each other anymore and when we did he barely even glanced in my direction. He replaced me with Minho. and then Minho left me...All alone. I had no one else and he just...Left! and It was all my fault! I cried even harder and Jonghyun's gripped tightened on me.
We stayed like for a long time. I just cried and cried. Jonghyun stayed there for the whole time, even though we'd just met he stayed with me. I finally regained composure, It still hurt though. My heart ached it felt like someone had stabbed me...Minho had meant so much to me... I took another deep breath and decided to dwell on that later...When I had my razor. It was extremely painful to sit on the ground like this, my cuts were still fresh and I'm pretty sure a lot of them had bled throughout the day. They didn't hurt that bad...The bad thing about deep cuts was that they didn't sting like the shallow cuts did...I really don't like shallow cuts, they look like cat scratches and don't scar or bleed as much. But they did hurt more in the long run and that's what I needed. Pain to match what I felt inside.
"Hey Kibum...I don't know what's wrong but if you ever need someone to talk to you can talk to me alright? I'll give you my phone number later so you can call or text me whenever you want. Okay?" Jonghyun said removing his arm from around me. Suddenly, I didn't want him to get up. I wanted him to keep his arm around me. I sighed as he held his hand out to help me up. and I nodded in response to his words.
"...Thank you, Jonghyun." I said as I took his hand to pull myself up.
"It's no problem." he smiled as he looked into my eyes. I noticed he held my hand a little longer than he had too. When he let go he began to walk out of the stall and gestured for me to follow. We walked out of the bathroom and looked at the clock. But I really didn't need to because right as we excited the bathroom the final bell rang. Wow...I cried for almost 2 hours.
"I'm sorry Jonghyun...I made you miss class..and your shirt is all wet now." Guilt washed over hitting me like ice water soaking through my clothes and chilling me to the bone...He must think I'm pathetic now. He'll probably hate me by tomorrow...
"It okay, Kibum...You're worth it." I almost said I wasn't but then I saw The way he smiled at me and my heart began to race as the words died on my lips.
He walked me home again today. But this time right before he left he turned around to face me again.
"Wait Kibum! I was just wondering since Minho said you had a nickname...Would you rather me call you Key?" Oh god no...
"No. Call me Kibum." He nodded and turned around to leave. I walked back into my house and threw my bag on the floor..Today I had actually done my homework. I finished it all in class...I probably got most of it wrong but at least I finished it. I plopped down on my bed my eyes surveying my room till they found what they were looking for. Tears sprang to my eyes just looking at it...It shouldn't hurt this much but it does. It was a picture of Minho and I. We were very young at the time, only in 1st grade. It was before I got this way...Before I got so...lifeless. In the picture we were facing each other grinning in a way only a child could. Our pinkies were interlocked tightly...I remember the promise we made that day.
//"We'll be friends forever, even when we get older, right Bummie?" Minho grinned at Kibum while they were waiting for Minho's mom to take a picture of them, it was the last day of 1st grade so she wanted something for them to remember it by.//
//"Of course Minho!"//
//"Pinky promise?" Minho held out his pinky.//
//"Pinky promise!" Kibum wrapped his pinky around Minho's and they laughed. It was at that moment Minho's Mother took the picture, documenting their promise forever...//
I walked over and grabbed the picture. It was sitting on his desk in a simple frame. I let out a breathy laugh when I looked at Minho grinning at me, his two front teeth missing...I always used to about that...
"Ha...Forever?...Yeah right Minho. You left me like everyone else did." I wanted to throw the picture at the wall and scream and cry but...I couldn't. So I just walked to my bathroom and locked the door. I slid my jacket off and took the little black box out of the drawer. But today I wasn't cutting on my hips or arms...No I have a better idea I slid my pants off and grinned. I was an artist and this was my canvas. My razor was the brush and my blood was the paint drying only to leave a scab and eventually a scar. So much skin to cut I didn't know where to start...So I just went at it. I sliced as hard as I could across my leg and....Barely got a scratch. I tried again. and again. Damn it! I now realized it was dull...Stupid blade. I set it on the sink counter and opened the bathroom closet. After a few minutes of searching I found my bag full of old blades. The ziplock bag had various holes poked in it but everything was there. there was the bloody old razors I had broken out of shaving razors when I first started cutting, a couple of knifes I jacked from the kitchen, and the new blades I recently bought. I put the dull blade in the baggie and pulled out a new one.
And then a war broke out. I sliced and sliced. Fighting the beast which dwelled within me. It fought well, it fought strong. I had the sword...But it always won. It writhed inside of me letting out all the pain of the past and present. Reminding me my future was damned and I should just slice myself to pieces because I was to much of a coward to kill myself. and I listened, there was no use fighting. Cutting was the only way to shut it up. Finally it ended and I took in the sight of my legs all bloody. I noticed I actually made quite a few shallow cuts like had been thinking of early in addition to several deeper ones. I counted them and took note of their number so I could add them to my list.
I then sat back watching the blood flow out of me splattering on the floor, I loved the way it felt against my skin, cool and calming. I should probably get some towels but...I'll risk it. Why not? Probably won't die anyways. I laid down on the floor for a while watching all my emotions and pain bleeding out down my legs and to the floor. While I was laying there the events from earlier flashed through my mind. I can't believe I did that to Jonghyun. I bet he probably thinks I'm some annoying and pathetic piece of now. But...He had given me his phone number...No. God no. I will not call him.
I cleaned up my legs and all the blood that had stained the floor I put on my pajamas. Thank god for loose pants...Oh . I only own skinny jeans to wear to school. I thought while I proceeded to walk to my room like a penguin. Well...That's gonna be fun. Needless to say my legs hurt and stung like hell, but I deserved this. This is what I wanted. I can't believe I never thought of cutting my legs before... I carefully laid myself down on my bed and picked up my phone. I looked at it and I had a text from...Jonghyun? I had given him my number in return for his.
"Sorry about today. Tomorrow we can eat alone okay? :)"
I'd be lying if I said a small part of me wasn't thrilled. I'd be lying because I was actually kind of looking forward to it.
When Key and Minho made the pinky promise I was singing "Yubikiri." imagining a little Key and Minho singing it too, Hence the title Yubikiri. I know it's japanese and they're korean...OH WELL.
Sorry for any mistakes I missed~
Next chapter will go more in depth on Minho and Key's relationship~ Yay dramatic pasts~ :D
I hope you liked it :D
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