Innocence
Just Another Nothing.
The last chapter was horrible I apologize.
This chapter will be better! :D
I hope you enjoy~
Sorry for any mistakes I missed~
Disclaimer: I own nothing~
Oh and THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE THAT HAS VIEWED/COMMENTED/SUBSCRIBED IT MEANS A LOT TO ME! :D
"This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by..."
Avril Lavinge's voice floats through my earphones on full blast as I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. The song was on repeat, looping over and over as I lay here. I glance over at the clock; it's 4:08 in the morning and I can't sleep. I reach over to my bedside table and grab a tin of mints. I take one out and place it on my tongue. I resumed staring at the ceiling as the strong taste of mint envelopes my taste buds. I began to flip the mint over in my mouth... Over... Under... Over... Under...
"It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry."
My mind begins to wander. How long ago was it? A month I think... It's been a month since the "accident" as my Grandfather refers to it. But is it really an accident when you try to drown someone? I believe it isn't. But whatever, it doesn't matter. I remember vividly the 2 weeks I spent inside Minho's house. Minho had wanted me to stay longer but I wouldn't do it, I knew my birth mother was coming home that night and I didn't want to see her. By the end of two weeks my fever had gone away and I could walk and function pretty well on my own. I was still a little sore, especially my feet. I could talk again as well, though I was kind of hoarse. My throat still hurt but not as badly. I returned home to find a new Playstation 3 and a variety of games in my room. The games were okay, good enough to distract me and occupy my mind so I could forget for a little while. But it didn't make up for what had happened, though I didn't tell him that. He had apologized, a very long lecture bout how he loved me and how it was my fault he got mad. What I really wanted to do was punch him, but I didn't. I just sat and listened.
"This innocence is brilliant, it's so beautiful, it's so beautiful
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
I need you now, it makes me wanna cry
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by."
I couldn't forgive him for what he had done to me... For what he had done to Minho... I remember the day Minho went over there to defend me.
"You know the reason Minho isn't here is because he went to your Grandparents house to tell your Grandfather you aren't coming home until you're fully healed. Your Grandfather isn't happy you're here and you know what he's like when he's unhappy. And Minho is going over there to tell your Grandfather off. He doesn't have to Kibum, But he is because he cares about you." I just stared at him shocked.
The only thought racing through my mind was:
Minho is going to get hurt; badly. And it's all my fault.
This wasn't good. This was not good at all. I quickly grabbed my notepad and pen and wrote:
"We need to go get him. Now."
"No, there's no way I'm taking you back there. You're too weak." Jonghyun protested. After several minutes of arguing I persuaded Jonghyun into taking me back to my house to retrieve Minho. I was still in pretty bad shape but if my grandfather knew I wanted to stay at Minho's house then maybe Minho would get off easy. I was still shoeless and I had on a pair of Minho's long sleeved pajamas that were way to big on me. Jonghyun forced me to put on a pair of Minho's shows and socks which barely fit and made my feet hurt more than they already did.
What happened there was a blur... I remember yelling lots of yelling. Minho getting yelled at by my grandfather. Minho yelling right back at my Grandfather. I remember trying to tell Grandfather it was okay that I wanted to stay at Minho's house trying to talk as clearly as I could with my voice so hoarse. He didn't listen to me. Surprisingly he hadn't laid a hand on Minho. I was glad, though I really didn't like Minho I didn't want him hurt because of me. I was getting very dizzy, the room was spinning. I noticed grandfather had raised his fist and right as he lunged at Minho I jumped between them. I remember my Grandmother's gasp. I remember Minho and Jonghyun calling out my name... I think Minho caught me. But it was at that point, after my Grandfather had punched me that I had out.
When I woke up, I was back in Minho's bed. Jonghyun told me that my Grandfather had allowed them to take me back saying that it would be good that we spent some time apart or whatever. I tried to get Minho to tell me what had happened before we arrived, I could tell from the haunted look in Minho's eyes that he had said something horrible. At first Minho would not tell me but he gave in pretty easily. Minho told me that my Grandfather said that after Minho and I grew apart that I got worse that I became even more of a failure and that it was all Minho's fault I was this way, that it was his fault Grandfather abused me so badly after Minho had left. I could tell how badly the words effected Minho. I told him that it wasn't his fault. But I don't think he believed me.
After that things were pretty uneventful. They'd take turns watching me sometimes it would be Minho, other times it would be Jonghyun or my brother Onew, and on occasion Taemin would come as well. I had learned that Taemin is a lot like I used to be. He loves to dance just like I used to... I had asked him to dance for me once because though I don't admit it I love dancing and I miss it so much but... I can't dance I'm no good at it. Taemin was a wonderful dancer though. Watching him dance I was enthralled thinking about how good he was, how I used to have so much fun dancing. Dancing was one of my favorite hobbies but I never did it anymore I'm too bad at it. Taemin and I had sort of become friends on the days he had come over. He was a nice kid but... He shouldn't be friends with someone like me.
So finally the end of two weeks came, that day everyone was there. Jonghyun, Minho, Onew, and Taemin. Taemin had almost knocked me over with the hug he gave me and told me that when I come back to school we should talk more and maybe hang out sometime. I didn't have the heart to tell him he shouldn't get his hopes up, not with a failure like me. Onew hugged me too. Minho and I stood there and kind of stared at each other. Neither of us were sure what to say, nor were we sure exactly what we were to each other... Whether we were friends or not. Minho quickly hugged me then handed me the pajamas I had on that night, Jonghyun's pajamas. I was shocked I had almost forgotten they were here but I thanked Minho and was secretly happy he had given me Jonghyun's pajamas back. I was wearing some of Minho's clothes back to my house. Jonghyun smirked at the fact I still had his pajamas then held me tightly to his chest. Then Jonghyun and I departed, seeing as he was the one taking me home.
And that was it really that was all that had happened. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened since then. I still cut every day, Jonghyun still eats lunch with me. Sometimes Taemin and I talk, we've even hung out outside of school. Jonghyun is glad I'm making more friends... But I could've sworn he looked jealous when he said that. Maybe he likes Taemin? It seemed unlikely but there's no way he'd be jealous over me getting close to Taemin unless he liked him because there was no way he liked me. He just felt sorry for me. I haven't seen Onew at all since I left their house. Minho... Well I'm not really sure where I left off with him... I just... Don't know.
I sighed and suddenly the piano of the song was too much, the lyrics of this song reminded me too much of what I didn't have. And suddenly I felt tears. I cried. I'm not sure why... Maybe it was just the weight of everything that has happened. I'm not sure. I couldn't stop though... I felt horrible. Truly horrible. I just wanted to disappear. I just wanted this all to be over. I wanted to truly be nothing. I ripped my headphones out my ears then went to my closet and found what I was looking for... My old body mirror and then made my way to the bathroom. I sat the mirror against the bathroom wall and I removed my clothes and stared at my horrid reflection. I didn't bother looking at my face, I already knew how horribly ugly I was. My eyes traveled to my arms, both covered in thick ugly red scars. Most of them were raised. From my hips down to my knees had fewer scars than my arms but still quite a lot. Then I looked to the only scars I hadn't inflicted upon myself. The words Grandfather carved into my skin:
UP
MISTAKE
FAILURE
They were all true and I hated it... Suddenly it was like I didn't have control of my body. I got my razor and it was like I was being controlled, like I was watching a movie. But it wasn't a movie I was watching. I was watching myself cut lines through the words on my abdomen but I couldn't feel it. I was making big X's over and over though the words. I watched myself as I covered my middle with cuts and blood flowed down my stomach and legs. Then suddenly it was like I was brought back to my body and pain erupted through me. My eyes met my own in the mirror and I began to sob again. Pathetic. I was pathetic.
Eventually I cleaned myself up and went back to bed with a sour taste in my mouth from the mint that had dissolved long ago.
It was the weekend and like always recently, I'm at Jonghyun's house. I was bored so I decided to go through his stuff. He didn't like it but let me do it anyway I was currently in his closet when I found a case. A guitar case to be exact. I dragged it out of the closet and opened it. Inside of it was a beautiful guitar and many music sheets covered in lyrics and notes. Jonghyun raced over to me afraid I would touch his "baby" or at least that's what he said.
"You never told me you could play guitar." I frowned, A little disappointed there were things I didn't know about him... Things he didn't tell me about.
"Yeah, well I sing too. But I'm not that good at it, especially in front of other people." He replied. I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at him.
"But I'm not people, so you should've told me. To make up for now you have to sing one of these songs and play your guitar for me!" I said turning away from him.
"Are you pouting, Kibum?" I could hear the grin his voice. I was not pouting! I don't pout!
"Just sing a stupid song!" I snapped.
"Stupid? I'm wounded." He grinned putting his arms around my waist from behind. I could feel his warm breath as his lips brushed against my ear and he whispered:
"Of course I'll sing a song for you Kibum." I shouldn't be affected by this but I think I'm blushing. No. I can't be that's stupid. Why would I blush. It's just Jonghyun and he would never feel anything more than friendship for someone as pitiful and pathetic as me.
He went through his case picking out a song and getting his guitar out; He sat criss cross applesauce on the floor his guitar in his lap the music laid out on the floor. I sat across from him mimicking his position though I didn't have a guitar. He told me that this song didn't have a title yet but it was something he had recently written he began to play and my jaw almost dropped. His voice was angel-like so pure and beautiful. It filled the space around us. Filling the air, flowing in me as I took a breath in and slowly exhaled out. His music completely overriding my senses. I could taste the sincerity of his words as he sang them brightly. I could see the music notes floating around us in the air like little stars as his hands moved against the guitar. I could hear his angelic voice serenading me as I pretended that perhaps he wrote this song for me, though I knew it wasn't true. I could smell his scent, not just his cologne but the subtle scent that made Jonghyun Jonghyun. I was overwhelmed and for once it wasn't a bad thing. The words of the song I had listened to yesterday came back to me...
"This moment is perfect. Please don't go away. I need you now..."
I smiled. The song no longer reminded me of things I didn't have, it helped me understand what was happening right now in this moment. The fleeting innocence of this moment I wished could last forever but I knew it would soon be over.
He finished the song, it sounded almost like a love song but... Why would he sing me a love song? It was one of the most beautiful and sweetest songs I had ever heard... Jonghyun really was a romantic wasn't he? But it couldn't be for me. There's no way. Suddenly Jonghyun's knees were pressed against mine, How did I not notice he had scooted forward?
"That was beautiful, Jonghyun." I smiled lightly, this was, counting earlier, the third time he made me smile. It was strange the feelings I got when he was near me. It felt like happiness... Something I had long forgotten... But also something more. Something that scared me but excited me at the same time, but I had no clue what it was.
"I'm glad you liked it Kibum...", His eyes met mine; his gaze was so intense I wanted to look away but I couldn't, "I wrote it for someone you know..."
"Who?" I whispered my heart almost beating out of my chest. He didn't say anything... He just scooted even closer than he already was his knees now on top of mine. He leaned in his facing nearing mine as his eyes fluttered shut. Suddenly I was leaning towards him as well, though I wasn't really aware of it. All I could concentrate on was his soft lips nearing mine.
Hope you enjoyed~ :D
Sorry for any mistakes I missed~
Comments