The Grass isn't always Greener on the Other Side.
Just Another Nothing.
I was going to update this yesterday but Jinki ruined my Jongkey ideas and replaced them with Ontae ideas so It wasn't my fault xD
It's Jinki's! xD
and I'm sorry if I accidentally put Key instead of Kibum or Jinki instead of Onew. It's hard writing different stories with the same characters but they go by different names it gets confusing xD
Disclaimer: I own nothing~
Oh and thank you so much to everyone that had subscribed and commented! It really means a lot to me! :D
(Btw~ Those are lyrics from the song "Outlaws of love" by Adam Lambert. It's a great song! You should listen to it! :D)
"Scars make us who we are
Hearts and homes are broken, broken.
Far, we could go so far
With our minds wide open, open..."
I stared at the note pad the words written on them cutting through me like a knife.
"I need Jonghyun."
I tried to push away the hurt, of course he doesn't need me I've been ignoring him for almost 3 years. I'm not his best friend anymore.
"But, Key..." I started he silenced me with shake of his head and began writing again.
"Don't, Minho. To be honest I really don't even want to be in the same room with you right now. I just can't do it. So can you please call Jonghyun, tell him what happened, and ask him to come over?" The look in his eyes... I've never seen anyone look like that before. I saw pain mixed with hurt and betrayal but most of all I saw defeat and exhaustion. It looked like he was on the brink of giving up. I nodded in defeat hoping Jonghyun could be there for Key and take care of him like I never could, because I'm a coward.
"... I'm sorry, Key." The words slipped out of my mouth on accident; each syllable adding weight to the already thick air. He just stared at me, Blank eyes vacant and lost. He didn't do anything at all. Of course. I picked up my phone and called Jonghyun.
Kibum was hurt. That thought kept racing through my mind as I jumped into my car and took off towards Minho's house. When Kibum hadn't come to school today I had a bad feeling but I didn't think it would be this bad. I arrived at Minho's house and just walked in, the door was unlocked. When I walked in I saw Minho sitting at the bottom of the stairs his head in his hands. He looked up when he heard me coming. He looked miserable.
"He's in my room." He whispered and I went there immediately. The door was shut, I slowly opened it and shut it behind me. When I saw Kibum my heart broke at what I saw. Kibum was paler than usual though his cheeks were red from his fever, there were dark purple bruises on his neck. He was under a lot of blankets but he was shivering a little, like he had the chills. The look in his eyes when they met mine made me want to cry. He looked so broken. He had thrown most of the blankets off him and tried to sit up, wincing in pain as he did so. I quickly walked over to him.
"Don't sit up, Kibum, You need to rest." He just shook his head. I sat on the edge of the bed as he tried to sit up; he grabbed my shoulder and I turned towards him. I was taken aback when he suddenly threw his arms around my neck. He was shaking, and thrashing. The demons inside him fighting to get out after being trapped inside for so long. They were released in his tears, rolling down his face and soaking into my shirt. I didn't say anything I just held him running my hand in circles on his back in what I hoped was a calming motion. I tried to calm him down, he'd make himself worse if he cried like this. Soon enough, he stopped shaking and his tears stopped. He didn't let go of me though.
"Kibum, You need to lay down. As much as I know you love being in my arms, you need to rest." I grinned trying to lighten the situation. He pulled back his face even darker red than before, was he blushing? I smiled as he laid back down and tried to grab all the blankets again, he was still shaking a little because he was cold. I stopped him from doing so and grabbed the blankets from him.
"Let me do it." I said softly bringing back the layers of the covers until he was completely covered again. He was propped up the pillows and he went to reach for the notepad and a pen. But I grabbed them first and handed them to him. He glared at me and began writing, flipping to a new page.
"I can function by myself, Jonghyun." he wrote. I just shook my head and smiled. He began writing again.
"Why did you come?" His eyes bore into mine, I could tell he thought he wasn't worth me using my time to come here.
"I care about you Kibum, I'll always be here for you when you need me." I smiled at him. He began to write again.
"You shouldn't." he said avoiding looking at me.
"Well, I do. And I will care about you no matter what." I said sincerely. I didn't know what it was, but something drew me to Kibum, something more than his sparkly shoes. I just wanted to hold him in my arms forever and protect him from anything that could hurt him. He was just so fragile. My thoughts were interrupted when Kibum's notepad was in my face again.
"You're staring at me." was written. I grinned.
"Sorry, I couldn't help myself." I . He just shook his head a small smile on his face. Wait a second. He smiled! It wasn't a huge grin, I couldn't even see his teeth. It also wasn't one of those small almost smiles it was a legit smile!
"Kibum! You smiled!" I couldn't help the grin growing on my face. His eyes widened as if just realizing what had just done. He looked shocked, as if this was the first time he had smiled in a very long time. It probably was. I watched an array of emotions cross his face as if they were writing story in every twitch of his lips, every blink of his eye, every crease in his brow. Writing a novel across his pale visage. It was fascinating to see his reaction to experiencing a little bit of joy. But it was also quite disturbing; was one so unused to joy when it was experienced it couldn't be recognized? It seemed to be that way.
"I'll have to make you smile more, Kibum. You look beautiful when you smile." Those words were sincere, yet I could tell he did not believe them. The look on his face was telling me more than he ever could. One day I'll make him realize how amazing he truly is. I texted my mom telling her I was staying at Minho's tonight. I knew Minho wouldn't mind. I stayed in the room with Kibum until he fell asleep. He fell asleep with the notepad and pen in his hands so I gently took them. Out of curiosity I began to flip through the pages. My heart nearly beat out of my chest when I saw three words written:
"I need Jonghyun."
I couldn't help the happiness that spread through me as I read it. Minho hadn't said Kibum had asked for me, much less needed me. I was glad he was starting to rely on myself bit to help him. After I was sure Kibum was asleep and was as fine as he could be in his beat up state I quietly left Minho's room. I went down the stairs to find him sitting on the large couch staring blankly at the tv not really watching the tv show on the screen. Onew was no where in sight. But I knew the sad truth about where he was and what he was doing. I was Minho's best friend after all, he had told me about Onew's habits. Well I wasn't really sure about how I should act around Minho, knowing what he did to Kibum. I walked over and sat down beside him. I glanced over at him, he looked very unhappy.
"Minho..." I began but didn't get to finish.
"He told you, didn't he about how we used to be friends? and how I completely brushed him off when he confessed?" He whispered locking his eyes on mine. I just nodded grimly.
"You know; there's two sides to every story, Jonghyun...", Minho began sighing running his hand through his hair and wincing a little as if it hurt, "I'm sure you'd love to hear my side..."
...Wrong. It was so wrong. It was horrible and disgusting. He should never look at a boy the way he would look at a girl. That's the way he was raised. It was hammered into his head, Homouality is immoral and wrong. It was what his mother always taught him and his father never said any different. Even when my parents got divorced and I really didn't see my mom that often, I remembered what she taught me and I didn't dare go back on it. Every time I caught myself thinking about a guy in a wrong way or staring at a guy I found attractive. I'd catch myself and degrade myself. I'd go to the bathroom, curled up on the floor scratching my head with my hands to get the thoughts to go away, I remember screaming wishing the thoughts would just disappear. What would Mother and Father think? They'd hate me they'd be disgusted. So I made the thoughts go away even if I had to resort to clawing my scalp till I bled to punish myself because it was wrong, so very wrong. I went on that way for years constantly denying my obvious attraction to those of the same . Clawing all the disgusting thoughts away.
So Key and I were friends, very touchy friends. I guess we took it a bit further than most friendships do with skinship; but we were really close like brothers so I justified it as being okay. Even though there was this little voice in the back of my head telling me how disgusting I was. Because deep down I knew what I really felt for Key was more than friendship. But I took those feelings and destroyed them. I took what would've been something beautiful and twisted it. I shattered it. Clawing it away from my mind. No one ever noticed the scratches on my head because at the time I had long hair, plus my hair being dark colored helped. I can't tell you how many times I had cried. How much I desperately wished it wasn't wrong, wished it wasn't disgusting. So I could hold Kibum in my arms like I always did, but in a whole new way.
But I couldn't. No. It was bad. It was wrong. Mother said so. She wouldn't lie to me...right? I was out to completely destroy the part of me that was wrong. Oh I tried so very hard. Then we were on vacation... I didn't mean to. Really I didn't. But he was just close to me, I couldn't help it. Just this once, let me be wrong. Let me be disgusting. His lips on mine, though only brief, is something I will always remember. It was my first kiss, and I'm sure it was his as well. It was so amazing, I almost wanted to cry. This was what I had been longing for in that little corner of my mind that would never shut up no matter how hard I clawed to get those thoughts out of my head. It was everything I had hoped for and more. If I could've just frozen that moment in time, I would have. I would've stayed like that forever... Wouldn't that be great? Sadly, life did not work that way. I remember that night, after kissing Key, was the worst I had ever clawed my scalp. I remember it well...
Sometimes, I wished we had never kissed. That moment was the beginning of the end for us. Such a beautiful friendship we had, such a strong bond... Sliced into pieces by how wrong it was. I tried to tell myself, it was okay. Because it was horrible and disgusting. Then when Key confessed to me... That was when everything was really shattered. That was when the thin ice we had been skating on cracked. We plunged into a freezing pit full of pain, the shards of the love we could've had piercing us as it cracked beneath our feet. We drowned in the tragic heartbreaking beauty of what could've been. Key took it worse than I did. When he told me he loved me for a split second I was thrilled. But then the ice pierced through my heart. The split second before I plunged under the cracked ice of our love was one of the happiest of my life. He loved me back, that made it okay...right? Suddenly it wasn't so disgusting anymore but then I snapped back to reality as the ice cold water suffocated me. I remember my Mother, I remembered all the things she had said. I was wrong to think it wasn't disgusting.
After that, I think I despised Key a little bit. For making me feel this way, for making me have these immoral thoughts. So I started pushing him away, ignoring him. I thought he was strong enough to deal with it. I knew he was getting abused at home but... He'd be fine right? Wrong. I was so wrong. I know that now. The thing is, I could see him deteriorating. I watched him become what he is today. I watched him go from the sun to the faintest star flickering out in the night sky. Once he had been the brightest thing I'd known... Now he was only a shadow of what he used to be. Though I know all of it isn't my fault...But I started it. I didn't help at all. I could've prevented most of Key's demise. But I couldn't because I was too afraid to accept a part of me. Now that I am older... I realize my Mother did lie to me. It isn't wrong. It isn't disgusting, horrible, or anything of the sort. It was beautiful. It was love. If only I wouldn't have been so stupid...If I had only known...
"...I loved him, and a small part of me still does. But there's nothing I can do to fix it, nothing to make up for what I've done. I still care about him, I want to be his friend again. But I know it isn't possible." Minho finished. I just stared at him.
"...Did you ever try to tell Kibum this? You're right it won't make up for what has happened but it might mend things a little." I suggested. I knew Kibum still cared about Minho too, they could never have a romantic relationship or ever be friends in the same way they were before but maybe they could just try to be friends. It would be the best for the both of them.
"No. It doesn't matter. It won't change anything." He leaned back eyes glued to the ceiling as if it were the most interesting thing in the world
"No it won't. But it will let Kibum know you don't hate him and you never did. If he knows your side of the story maybe it will put him at peace and help him let go." I explained. He seemed to consider it for a moment then nodded.
"Fine. I'll try to tell him. But not today. I really don't think he wants to see me again today." He sighed in defeat. I nodded then stood up to walk upstairs.
I was walking towards the stairs when Onew stumbled in the front door. I sighed and walked over to him helping him to the couch. All the while he was mumbling some gibberish and giggling. Minho looked over and I could see a piece of his heart breaking.
"Onew! Your brother is sick upstairs and you come home drunk and High?! You can't even stop a little while for your brother?" Minho exclaimed looking hurt.
"SO? Why should I even give a ?", Onew growled head falling back against the couch, "Yeah. He's my brother. SO WHAT?" He laughed. Minho just shook his head and sighed.
"Come on Onew, Jonghyun and I will help you to your room. We don't want to disturb Key. He really doesn't need to see you like this." Minho sighed. We helped an incoherent Onew up the stairs and dumped him in his room. Then I went back to Kibum while Minho went down stairs. As I shut the door and turned around I saw that Key was moving around a little. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. I walked over and he grabbed my arm. I looked down at him, and he really looked adorable half asleep like this, he moved his hand down to grab mine, he smiled lightly then shut his eyes again. I grinned, Kibum really was adorable. He's been through so much, so many bad things. He doesn't deserve bad things like that. Not at all, and I just hope I can help him realize that.
Hope you enjoyed~ xD Oh and my tumblr~ :http://dazzling-sherlock.tumblr.com/
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