Perfection.
Just Another Nothing.
I hope you enjoy~ :D
Sorry for the late update! I've been busy with school~
Oh and 100+ SUBSCRIBERS! I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH <3
Sorry for any mistakes I missed~
Disclaimer: I own nothing~
I sighed as I trudged to my bathroom to get dressed. Another day in school, Fantastic. Today I had to get to school on time; Grandfather found out I had been late several times and he said that there might be another "accident" if I'm late again. I had to leave the house at 7:20 is what he said. I glanced down at my phone in my hand, It was 7:00. I began to walk faster and hurried into the bathroom and began to change clothes. Then suddenly a thought flickered through my mind...
You have twenty minutes, Kibum. Just enough time to cut...
No, I can't. I won't have enough time to stop the bleeding, I'll get blood all over my pants. I know people barely notice me but if I have giant blood stains on my pants I might catch their attention. I can't risk that. What if someone tells a teacher? What will I do then?
Shh, Kibum it'll be okay just get the blade.
No. I can't risk someone finding out! There's no telling what grandfather would do...
Get the blade, Kibum.
... I can't.
GET IT.
I glanced down at the time on my phone again... 7:03... I went to get one of my razors out of its hiding place. I had already begun to take off my pajamas so I had no clothes on. All I have to do is pick up my pants and put them on and then put the blade away... I can cut when I get home.
No. You're cutting now.
... Okay. I give up, the demons win once again. I sit on the floor and take the blade to my skin.
Yes... Good, Kibum, Good.
I feel horrible. I feel rotten and hopeless. I can't see the light t the end of the tunnel... Was there even a light to begin with? With those thoughts I gave in and sliced open my leg several time by the time I was done I felt numb and the voice telling me the cut had gone away. Though it really wasn't a voice, it was my voice. My own voice in my head telling me to destroy myself. I looked down at my leg. I had cut deeper than I intended. I looked at the time on my phone again. 7:13
. I knew this was a bad idea. I quickly brushed my teeth the grabbed a wet towel and pressed it hard against my leg. I laid flat on my back with my legs extended on the wall to reverse the blood flow and hopefully stop the bleeding. I heard a yell from downstairs.
"4 MINUTES KIBUM." My Grandfather shouted.
Oh no. Please stop bleeding. I removed the towel and the cuts were still bleeding a little but hopefully wouldn't bleed anymore. I opened the bathroom closet looking for band aids. I was beginning to panic. I knew I shouldn't have done this I found a few bandages and quickly placed them over the many cuts hoping it would help keep the blood off my pants I threw on my clothes. I ran into my room and grabbed my back pack then raced down the stairs. I made it out the door before Grandfather could say anything I got in my car then froze as I went to buckle my seat belt. They bled through the band-aids. Great that's just great how am I going to hide this? What if someone sees? I can't take it if someone finds out. I have anxiety issues and right now they are getting a lot worse. I drove to school. I had arrived early so I had about 15 minuets to waste time before class. Quickly I got out of my car. I went to step over the curb forgetting it was about four inches of the ground. Suddenly I was flying towards the ground.
I crashed into the ground, twisting my ankle. I frowned as I struggled to my feet. Great. I'm bleeding and I twisted my ankle. This day is starting out to be just great! I thought sarcastically as I walked quickly into the school building. I felt like everyone was staring at me; their eyes boring into me knowing what I had done. I could feel their hatred pulse in the air around me, it was suffocating. My heart raced and I began to walk even faster. Restroom. I need to get there, Now.
"Kibum." I heard a familiar voice say. I froze... It was Jonghyun. To be honest I had forgotten what had happened between us over the weekend. But I sure as hell remembered now. The dread I already felt grew deeper. Jonghyun. I do not want to face him. I do not want to remember what happened. What if he sees the blood? I began to walk faster. I could hear Jonghyun behind me, his footsteps becoming quicker as he tried to catch up with me.
"Kibum!" I'm almost there. Almost there... My eyes widen when I feel myself being pulled back by the straps on my backpack. Jonghyun has grabbed my backpack. I swear I could feel my mind short circut.
"We need to talk." I didn't even turn around to reply.
"Let go of me." I hissed.
"Kibum-" I lashed around my anxiety ridden eyes meeting his.
"Let me go... Please." I repeated softly barely able to hold the tears back. He released his grip and I immediately ran to the bathroom; locking myself in a stall. I felt everything crashing down around me. I held in my silent sobs as I clenched my fists and my body shook. With tears flowing down my face I wet some toilet paper with my toungue and tried to get the bloodstains out of my pants. It wouldn't work. I tried and tried again but it did no good. I gave up; wiping the tears off my face I took a deep breath. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a folder. I held it down over the front of my pants. I looked kind of strange holding a folder in front of my legs like that but it was better than walking around with blood stains. I made my way to my first hour, sliding into my seat and carefully keeping the folder on my lap. For the whole hour I sat there shaking and barely able to breathe.
After spending half the day avoiding Jonghyun it was now lunch time and I had no idea what to do. I could sit somewhere alone outside. I never sit outside during lunch so Jonghyun wouldn't find me. But... He might be looking for me outside and inside the cafeteria. I stood alone in the vacant school building. My eyes wandered around the emptiness until I found a spot. It was perfect if I sat next to the vending machine no one coming in from door can see me so when people started coming back I can just hide in the bathroom. I sighed as a planted myself on the cold floor next to the vending machine, my folder still carefully placed in my lap. Exaustion came over me wrapping its long arms around me gently rocking me back and forth as the whispers of depression floated in the air around me. I couldn't even move my body was heavy as if it were weighed down. I was so tired. The whispers turned into a constant buzzing of horrible things. My shoulders slumped in defeat. I was nothing. I could not move. I could not do anything. My eyes fluttered shut as I leaned back on my backpack. I probably looked strange but I did not care. I just laid there and became nothing; floating off among the clouds.
There's no telling how long I laid there. A voice floated through the fog of exhaustion and defeat flowing into my ears and being purified by my brain.
"Kibum? Are you okay? What are you doing?" It was Taemin. I didn't have the motivation to open my eyes.
"...I'm fine." I whispered eyes shut while I laid in this moment of stillness. The whole world going on out there without me. I could hear Taemin walk over and sit down next to me.
"No you're not, Kibum. You're alone by the vending machines laying on the floor. You don't have to tell me what's wrong but if you'd like to I'll be sitting here so I'll listen." His kindness made its way through the fog of depression and exhaustion. It grabbed me from the clouds; dragging me back down to my body. I cracked my eyes open and glanced towards Taemin.
"He kissed me." I said. Taemin looked slighty shocked but mostly confused.
"Who?" He asked.
"Who do you think?" I replied. Realization came over him and he knew the answer.
"What did you do?" He inquired. I sighed. I drug my body up from the floor so I was in a sitting position I turned towards Taemin and began to recount what had happened.
"I'm glad you liked it Kibum...", His eyes met mine; his gaze was so intense I wanted to look away but I couldn't, "I wrote it for someone you know..."
"Who?" I whispered my heart almost beating out of my chest. He didn't say anything... He just scooted even closer than he already was his knees now on top of mine. He leaned in his facing nearing mine as his eyes fluttered shut. Suddenly I was leaning towards him as well, though I wasn't really aware of it. All I could concentrate on was his soft lips nearing mine.
His lips pressed lightly against mine. I wasn't thinking. I should've pushed him away but I did not. He pulled back and his eyes met mine. He didn't break eyes contact as he stood up rising slowly away from the floor. His hand, secured around mind, lifted me up from the haze of his music and into his strong arms. Once again our faces were barely centimeters apart. I wanted to feel his lips on mine again. I wasn't thinking, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know I was leading him on when really,when really with someone like myself this would never work out. This time I leaned into kiss him. It was a warm and passionate kiss. Waves of contentedness and happiness spread through my body as I leaned in deeper against his chest. I was hyper aware of everything. My hands against his perfect chest. His hands on my hips pulling me closer. His toungue sliding into my mouth. And I loved it.
Jonghyun must have forgotten that I was not a normal person. This would've worked on a normal person. The normal person would be over joyed and gushing at how sweet this was. A normal person would be able to stay after this happened. They wouldn't run. But I was not a normal person and soon the fragile state we were in cracked when Jonghyun pulled back. As much I wanted to I couldn't pull my eyes away from his strong gaze.
"Kibum..." He said softly a beautiful smile tugging at his lips. I couldn't believe I was about to destroy that smile.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. It took a great effort to pull myself away from him. I didn't want to leave but I had to. I would only bring him down with me into this never ending spiral of depression; and I couldn't bear that thought. I was such an idiot to even give in to my desires. Now he was going to get hurt and it was all my fault. I began to gather my stuff together. I couldn't do this. I was such a failure. I'm so sorry...
He tried to stop me but I just kept saying "I'm sorry." or "I can't." while tears began to roll down my cheeks. I left. I hurt Jonghyun. I was an idiot. A horrible selfish idiot. For the rest of the weekend I turned my phone off and slowly the memories drifted out of my mind. Not returning until Monday when I saw Jonghyun again and all I wished to do was throw myself in his arms.
I finished my story and Taemin remained silent a moment before he spoke.
"You should talk to him." Taemin said seriously.
"I can't." I replied.
"Are just going to ignore him from now on? Is that you want, Jonghyun out of your life?" He smiled a little when he saw he had made a point. No I did not want Jonghyun out of my life. As much as I hated to admit it but I was terrified of the thought of not having Jonghyun around.
"Just tell him how you feel, Kibum. He'll understand I promise." Taemin smiled at me encouragingly. I hesitated then nodded unsure. Taemin grinned at me before standing up and glancing towards the clock.
"Everyone is going to come back soon. You should leave now if you want to avoid them. I didn't know how he knew I was going to avoid everyone but I didn't care I just nodded again and headed off thinking about the possible outcomes that talking to Jonghyun would have.
It was the end of school and I was waiting nervously by my locker; slowly packing my things because I knew Jonghyun would be coming to find me soon. Today had not been a good day at all, worse than most of my day are, so I was excited but also very nervous to see Jonghyun after ignoring him all day.
"Kibum." I heard his voice. Carefully I placed the folder in front of my legs once again to hide the blood praying he wouldn't say anything and turned around.
"Jonghyun... Can I come over to your house later? I have some stuff I need to do at home first but once I finish that I can come over. Like you said before we need to talk." I said softly not meeting his eyes. All I needed to do was get a different pair of pants because there was no way I could let Jonghyun see the blood.
"That's fine Kibum I'll see you later." He replied I thought he was going to leave but he just stood there. After several moments of silence I was about to ask him why he was standing there but before I could say anything he pulled me into a quick hug and then leaving me there shocked.
So here I was; Having a staring contest with Jonghyun's front door. All I had to do was ring the doorbell. I knew we would be alone his parents were at work but I was nervous. I have no idea how long I stood outside his door when suddenly my phone vibrated. I took it out and read the message.
"Are you going to come in or are you just stand out there? If you stay out there for much longer the neighbors might get suspicious." It was from Jonghyun... Well that's not embarrassing at all. How the hell did he know I was out here? I sighed and rang the door bell. Jonghyun opened the door and smiled lightly at me; stepping aside to let me in. We silently walked up to his room he sat down on his bed and I sat next to him.
"Kibum, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that..." Jonghyun began but I cut him off.
"It's okay Jonghyun... I'm the one that should say sorry. I mean what kind of person up and runs away after something like that? I'm sorry but... I'm not really the type of person you should be interested in. I'll only hurt you Jonghyun." I said frowning. I couldn't look at him, I was so ashamed because I'm just so awful.
"Kibum, You are exactly the type of person I should be interested in. You are perfect." No I'm not was my immediate response but I didn't say it because I knew he wouldn't like it.
"... Jonghyun? Why exactly did you... You know... Kiss me?" I asked my cheeks burning red. I was 17 years old I shouldn't be like this but I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend I don't know how to react when it's like this. No one has ever liked me before. Surely Jonghyun couldn't like me.
"Kibum look at me." I shook my head.
"Kibum, look at me." He repeated I refused again. I felt his hand on my chin as he gently turned my face towards his. My eyes met his and I couldn't look away.
"Because, I like you Kibum. I really like you." Part of me didn't believe him but the other part saw the sincerity in his eyes. I didn't even have to ask myself if I liked him too. I knew I did.
"Jonghyun... I'm sorry, I know this I'm just going to burden you but, I like you too. A lot. But I... We can't be in relationship. I'll only hurt you Jonghyun. I'm already burdening you enough with being your friend. Can we just go back the way things were? And you know... Maybe you could you know... kiss me or something from time to time but we'll only be friends! Just... Special friends!" I can't believe I was letting myself do this. Jonghyun's face lit up and he pulled me down onto the bed with him. He wrapped his arms around me and I buried my face in his chest. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. He leaned in closer to me and whispered:
"Yes Kibum we'll be special friends." as he pressed his lips against mine. I spent several hours with him drowning in his everything. I wished to never leave his room and just stay here forever. Away from all my problems. This was perfect. But as we would soon come to learn... Perfection never lasts.
Sorry for any mistakes I missed~
Hope you enjoyed~ :D Oh and My tumblr~: http://dazzling-sherlock.tumblr.com/
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