Numb
Just Another Nothing.
This chapter was kind of hard to write xD I wasn't really sure where to go with it but I finally decided, I hope I don't disappoint you!
Sorry for any mistakes I missed~
Oh and one more thing...A#S%D&^F*&GYHO*UJPIO THANK YOU TO EVERYONE THAT HAS COMMENTED AND SUBSCRIBED <3 I can't believe I have 34 subscribers! Thanks so much! :D
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot and the picture! xD
Oh yeah, the part at the beginning are lyrics from a Japanese song called "My true self" The English translation was done by Razzyness, oh and you should listen to his cover of this song it is amazing!
"Why does my heart want to
Ache from crying
Whenever I seem to think of you
Why do I hate myself so much
I don't want to live anymore"
Crash! The small white dinner plate zipped past my face slamming into the wall cracking into jagged broken pieces. I winced, This was going to be one of those nights. He was mad, about what I had no clue. Grandmother just sat there, no reaction she was used to this. I on the other hand, even though it's been this way since I was born, was terrified. He turned to me and I stiffened, trying to shrink back from him without him noticing. We were sitting at the dinner table, his seat next to mine. He didn't like that, he grabbed my arm in his iron like grip and yanked me towards him. Don't start crying Kibum, you can handle this.
"KEY! Or should I say, Kibum!, but you don't want to be called that do ya? That name was given to you by your birth mother! That can't even take care of ya! Didn't even want ya! Called you a curse straight from the devil! She was right though, that's the only thing she was right about! You are a curse Key! A horrible curse! And I have to take care of ya! It ain't right. So Key, Do ya wanta be called Kibum? Hm? Do ya?" He spat yanking me closer to him, I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I didn't respond. I couldn't. I was frozen.
"ANSWER ME! KEY! YOU FAILURE! CAN'T EVEN ANSWER A SIMPLE QUESTION WHY DO I EVEN PUT UP WITH YOU AND MY STUPID WIFE?!" He began to shake me tightening his grip on my wrist. I didn't hear a word he said. I was shaken to the core... I hate yelling. It always brings back memories... Bad memories. He always yells. I managed to stiffly shake my head, indicating no.
"I don't believe you! WHY ARE YA LYING TO ME? HUH? WHY KEY?" I kept my face emotionless as I always did when this happened. But on the inside I was shaking and crying like I did when I was little. But now I'm older, now I wore a mask to protect the real pathetic kid I am on the inside.
"I'm not lying." I whispered. He then continued yelling at me, his words slicing into me like razor blades. I couldn't help it, tears started running down my face. I was shaking. My bottom lip was trembling and I was sniffling... How pathetic. He was telling me things I already knew. How pathetic and selfish I was. How I lucky I was he loved me, because without him I'm nothing. Without him I'd be with my ex-druggie of a mother and a brother that hates me. He yelled about how much of a disgusting I was and that I should be more into sports. He was so glad I stopped dancing. It just went on and on. All he was doing was telling the truth. Then he raised his fist...My terror increased.
I flinched...Everything went in slow motion...
Please don't hit me!
His fist flew towards my stomach.
Please don't hit me!
Then it dawned on me. I deserved this. I relaxed as his fist plunged into my stomach. It hurt. I almost threw up my dinner, but I took it. I deserved this.
He yanked me out my chair, grabbing his dinner knife off the table. He forcefully ped my jack and yanked my shirt up. Thank god I had no scars on my midsection, the ones on my hips were covered by my pants. Grandmother had left by now, having gone back to her computer room. He held me down with one hand using the other to carve large words into my stomach. I didn't even flinch and that pissed him off. He slashed and slashed into my skin. I didn't mind... It had been two days since I told Jonghyun I wouldn't hurt myself and technically this was keeping the promise. Grandfather was doing it so I didn't have to. Perfect, I smiled through my tears and shaking. On the inside I was 6 again screaming and crying as the only man I knew as my father hurt me... How could he do this to me? The only sign I was affected by this were the tears pouring down my stoic face, my limbs which were shaking like leaves in an autumn breeze.
He finished pulling my shirt back down. My clothes were getting soaked with blood.
"Go to your room!" He spat at me. I nodded numbly turning and practically running upstairs. I went to my bathroom carefully removing my clothes till all that was left was my underwear. I looked in the mirror to see the damage he did to me. The words " UP", "MISTAKE", and "FAILURE", Were now etched across my torso in angry red bleeding letters. In addition to the words were several other slashes. Blood was steadily flowing down my body. I deserved this. Why am I so horrible? I should just die... My hands slowly made their way to the blood flowing down my torso... So much beautiful blood...WHy waste it? I did this every time I cut myself, it was disgusting but it tasted so good. The past two days were horrible, I wanted to cut, sometimes I didn't even have a good reason. I just wanted to cut to cut. You know? Also I wanted to taste my blood... As unhealthy as that was I had kind of got addicted to the taste of my blood. I loved blood. It was so beautiful, the only time I wasn't disgusting was when I was covered in my own blood. I loved it, how it felt when it ran down my skin, the smell of it, the taste of it, it's beautiful color...I loved it all. How disgusting... The thought was barely heard among the others running through my head. I was too busy getting the sick pleasure of the taste of my blood, the burn on the cuts that would certainly leave beautiful scars on my body.
The little shred of sanity I had left was trying to bring me to my senses but I ignored it. I collapsed on the floor, blood now smeared on my hands and face. Hysteria spread through me possessing me like a demon. I laughed, but it wasn't my laugh that was coming out... I'd finally cracked. Tears spilled out as memories flashed through my head. Memories of abuse, abandonment by my mother, my brother, My best friend. Memories of my brother, how he used to try to kill me. He hated me. But once we got older we got along, and I loved him. I loved him so much...He replaced me. So many memories I couldn't stop them. They wouldn't go away. I was remembering things I didn't even want to remember things I had repressed... Why was this happening this was all his fault!
I cried and cried. My whole body ached. The pain of old and new cuts searing through my body. Suddenly a face flashed through my mind...It was him. His perfect face permanently etched in my brain temporarily taking away the dark cloud that hung over my head. Jonghyun. I grabbed my pajamas off the floor where I throw them every morning when I change. I kicked aside my bloodied clothes. I pulled my loose pajamas... Well they weren't actually mine. These were the ones Jonghyun gave me three nights ago when after he bandaged my cuts. I remember how he held me in his arms till I fell asleep, whispering little nothings into my ear lulling me into the most peaceful sleep I'd had in years. He let me keep his pajamas...and I was grateful it made me feel like I was with him... They even smelled like him.
Despite how much I wished to deny it, I knew he could make me feel better. I walked into my room, my torso stinging but no longer bleeding. I plopped down on my bed grabbing my phone off the night stand... Maybe I could text him... But then my screen lit up. He had texted me first.
"Hey Kibum! I hope you're staying strong! Good night! :)"
My lips twitched a little, an almost smile. Just one text from him and all his problems melted away. What was wrong with me? The only thing on his mind now was Jonghyun. He drifted asleep with Jonghyun's smiling face fleeting through his thoughts. Everything was okay... For now.
Kibum had been sleeping peacefully, for once not having dreams of the past that never ceases to haunt him. He looked so innocent sleeping... So angelic. For while Kibum was resting, so did the demons. They were sound asleep, wiping the usual mask of despair and pain off his face leaving behind the beautiful face of a young boy with no troubles. He slept curled up in a ball, showing truly how weak he was. His legs always pulled up to his chest. Like he was trying to protect himself from something...From the monsters that no longer live under his bed but in his head. His fingers plugging his ears so he couldn't hear the yelling and fall asleep.
Suddenly it was as if a stone dropped in clear smooth water, causing ripples in the once calm pool. Kibum was ripped from his slumber abruptly...
Huh?! What was going on?! Suddenly I was moving. Stumbling through the darkness, I was being dragged. Then it stopped. I could barely see anything I was half asleep but his voice wiped every last bit of sleep from my body.
"Since little Key can't be a good boy I'm going to have to teach him a lesson!" It was my Grandfather. Suddenly I was aware of the burning in my torso, the iron grip on my wrist. I realized that he had just dragged me from my bed and we had stopped at the top of the stairs. Fear coursed through me...What was he going to do? We started moving again he practically threw me down the stairs, I'm surprised we both didn't fall down the stairs. I knew my Grandmother was awake I knew she could hear him yelling at me, why wasn't she doing anything? I guess she really doesn't care about me...
He threw open the front door dragging me into the dark night with him. He was screaming at me, yelling how much of failure I was. How I never did anything right. I just listened as my bare feet hit the sidewalk, his yells echoing off the houses around us. I was afraid he might wake up the neighbors; he was so loud. But he didn't...I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. He just kept yelling and yelling I couldn't take it. My mind reverted back to when I was a little kid, I was shaking violently, tears rolling down my face. I kept apologizing, and apologizing. Knowing that my presence has been just a burden to him, a burden to everyone. I deserved this...I deserved much worse than this.
We had a little park near our house, in that park was a fairly good sized pond. The pond was pretty gross, it had green water, it had broken bottles and trash of all sorts embedded in the bottom, not to mention turtles, snakes, and an assortment of fish. There were also a few ducks but they weren't there at the moment. Grandfather dragged me to the edge of the pond, I could feel wet grass on my bare feet....Was he going to? No.. .He couldn't. But I was wrong I was very wrong.
"You need to be cleansed, Key. Cleansed of all the horrible things you've brought into my life, into this world. I think I'll just give you a little bath..." he trailed off laughing. He began to walk into the pond, taking me with him.
I was now sobbing so hard, It was almost like I was screaming. This wasn't happening. Nope, It was not happening. I was at home sleeping, and this was just a nightmare. But I knew it wasn't a dream, I could feel the rough bottom of the pond against my feet, I could feel the cold water burning some of my sensitive scars...A lot of the raised scars I had would itch all the time and hurt when they got wet. I could feel the fish swimming by, he dragged me to a pretty deep part of the pond it was about up to the middle my torso. He let go of my wrist and put his hands on my neck....Oh god no. This isn't happening. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. Tears continued to roll down my face.
"It's bath time Key..." His grip tightened on my throat, as if he were going to strangle me...
And suddenly I was under the water his hands tight on my throat. My whole world turning upside down. At first I struggled and thrashed. The ice cold water made my whole body numb. But then I realized...This is it. Finally I could die. I could get away from my constant pain... This was it. I never imagined I'd die like this... At my Grandfather's hand...But I deserved this. This is what I wanted...I could feel my consciousness floating away as my lungs burned... And then it all went black.
Goodbye...
Well... I hope you enjoyed~ :D
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