Oh my god! I am so so so so SORRY! It's been forever since I've updated so I apologize! I've been super busy lately but now I have some time to write. I hope you still enjoy this even though it's been a while.
Disclaimer: I own nothing~
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?"
"Key! Key! Wake up!" I heard a familiar voice yell. I slowly opened my eyes to see my brother, Onew, standing above me. I just blankly stared at him, why was he here?
"I made Minho and Jonghyun go back to school, they didn't want to leave but I forced them. They didn't want to leave you in my care but I made them leave anyway. So today you're stuck with me!" Onew smiled down at me. Oh this was great, just great. I'd rather have Minho here all day than stay with my brother. It was just too painful. My brother and I have a difficult relationship.
"So, I made you some soup! You should eat it while it's hot!" He smiled again, helping me sit up. He started to try to feed me the soup but I held my hand up to stop him. I held up the notepad to him on which I had written:
"I can feed myself." as I stared at him, no emotion on my face.
"Oh come on! I'm your older brother, Let me do it." He smiled at me with that smile of his, the smile that I had missed so much, the smile that could light up a whole room. So I just nodded and let him feed it to me. After he finished that he sat down on the floor next to the bed and I laid back to stare at Minho's ceiling. Memories I had tried to block out flooded my mind and I couldn't stop them.
It was about two years ago, I was 15 years old at the time, and I'm not really sure when it was , but I remember everything that happened perfectly. It was about 2 am when I awoke I could hear my Grandmother downstairs it sounded like she was talking on the phone but... Was she crying too? Immediately my curiosity got the best of me and I headed downstairs. She was in her bedroom, I sat down on the bed next to her. As it turns out she was crying. I could hear a hysterical voice reply on the other line, it was my birth mother. My heart dropped. The only reason my Mother would call my Grandmother at this time of night would be if there was an emergency. An emergency about my brother. Well he was actually my half brother, we had different fathers, but that wasn't the point he was my brother and something had happened to him, something bad. My eyes met my Grandmother's and the look in her eyes confirmed my worst fears. On the outside I was calm and put an arm around my Grandmother to comfort her. But on the inside I was a mess.
Even though I really didn't act like it, I loved my brother very much. We really weren't close anymore, seeing as we didn't live together so we barely saw each other and he had Minho now to be his younger brother, he didn't need me. But I needed him, I had needed him so badly through the past years but I had been too scared to ever talk to him; to ever try to mend the rift that had grown between us. But I hadn't done anything and now the rift between us had grown larger, it was as if the Grand canyon stood between us. And now I may not even get the chance to fix it because for all I know he could be dead.
I waited for what seemed like hours for my Grandmother to get off the phone and when she finally did the silence in the room was heavy. Finally I broke it and asked the question that had been weighing on my mind.
"What's going on?"
As she explained it became harder and harder to hold back my tears but I did. My Brother had gone to a rave, he had been going to a lot of raves recently, but this one was different. This one was far away, in a city that took three hours to get to from where we lived. My brother, who was only 16 at the time, had gone with his friends to stay in a hotel near where the rave took place so they could go to the rave, stay in the hotel over night then come back home. But something had gone terribly wrong. Around 12 am when the rave was going strong my Mother got a call from one of my Brothers friends and they had explained what had happened. In the midst of the heavy booming bass and the jumbled mass of people they had lost sight of my brother. By this time he was already horribly drunk and they knew they'd need to find him fast. One of them saw him again through the crowds of people, he looked to be in pretty bad shape. He was staggering to the bar and somehow his clothes were covered in dirt and mud. She tried to get his attention but lost him again in the crowd of people. After looking for him a very long time they noticed an ambulance. They saw the person being loaded into the ambulance... It was my brother. They all ran to get in the car they had taken and followed the ambulance to the hospital. That's when one of them called my Mother. My Mother had immediately gotten into her car and drove to the hospital his friends said he was at. She was almost there when she called my Grandmother, but she still had no idea what had happened to her son.
We sat and waited for my Mother to contact us again. It was around 3:30 am when she texted my grandmother. She said my brother had drank too much alcohol along with several pills of Ecstasy making an almost lethal combination. He had gotten his stomach pumped and was stable. Now all she had to do was wait for him to wake up so she could drive him home. But of course what was in store for him when he recovered from all this was not good because what we didn't know at the time was that my brother had turned into a drug addict, just like my mother used to be. Along with her message she sent a picture that broke my heart into a million pieces. It was my brother, his signature smile no where to be seen on his face. He was unconscious on a hospital bed, shirtless, covered in bruises. On his neck was a brace and he looked absolutely terrible. Seeing my brother like that was terrifying. That picture haunted me ever since. After that there was nothing more we could do. I told my Grandmother everything would be alright and all she needed to do now was go to sleep. She listened to me and sent me back upstairs.
That night I did not go back to sleep, I just cried for hours. That was the first in the chain of events that lead us to learning my brother was a drug addict, almost as bad as my Mother used to be. He wouldn't stop using drugs no matter what My mother tried to do. So she just let him, "As long as he is responsible with them I don't care what he does." Is what she said. Which basically means she gave up on her own son when he needed her the most. I grew even further apart from my brother, I wanted to scream and cry and yell at him and tell him how stupid he was and how much I needed him and How much I hoped he needed me as well. I wanted to tell him I felt abandoned, I felt like he had replaced me with Minho because this was a vital time in his life he needed someone but I couldn't be there for him... Minho was but not me. I couldn't be because we lived to far apart and I couldn't bring myself to bridge that distance. Now I wanted to fix our relationship more than ever because what if I don't before he kills himself overdosing on drugs? I couldn't live with that yet I still didn't do anything, I didn't know what to do. Every time I was around my brother it was so painful because I could feel the distance between us even though he was right there standing next to me.
I took a deep breath trying to hold back tears. It was so painful, I remember all the times he came over to my house high and I had to leave the room he was in because it hurt too much to see him like that. I'd leave and I would go upstairs to cry because it was so heart wrenching to watch my brother slowly destroy himself and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to think of something to say, something to start a conversation. It was almost unbearable, the silence between us, I could feel how much we had grown apart; how far away we were from each other even though he was sitting right there next to me.
We used to be close once when I was in the 7th grade but that was a long time ago. Besides before we were close when we were a lot younger, when we lived together because Mother couldn't take care of him. He hated me, he hated that he had to share his mother with another child. Yes, that was normal for children but his hatred for me was unhealthy, because he rarely got to see his mother so the thought of not getting all her attention when she was around made him very unhappy. Many times he tried with true intent to kill me. He hated me so much, and now I understand even more why he hated me. Every time he'd hit me or hurt me in any way I'd tell Grandfather. Now at the time I was little I didn't understand what was going on but if it weren't for me this never would have happened. When I told on him Grandfather would take him into the living room and hit him ten times as hard as he hit me. I remember my brothers screams for me to come in there and get Grandfather to stop. I remember his screams, they haunt me all of the time. My brother was abused and it was all my fault. If only I had known, but I was too young. Eventually his hatred for me went away in the 7th grade and we were close again for a while because he came to live with My grandparents and I once again. But after he moved out again we grew apart once more.
He probably hates me, now I understand why. I know what it's like to be abused by Grandfather and to think I put him through that... It makes me hate myself so much more. It's part of the reason why I take it when Grandfather hits me because every hit I get will never make up for the pain I put my brother through.
"Key..." My Brother's voice broke into my thoughts. He had turned to face me his dark brown eyes suddenly serious. I took a closer look into his eyes and I could see he wasn't high.
"I know I don't say this a lot but you should know I love you." Sure you do. I don't believe him. He was hurt because of me so many times and I let it happen. He was Minho now, and Minho would never get Onew hurt like I did. Minho is a wonderful little brother like I could never be. I wrote on my notepad and showed it to him.
"I love you too" It said, but unlike him I was sincere. He smiled at me and hugged me. When he pulled back I was trying so hard not to cry. Why? Why was he lying to me?
The day went on in a painful silence then soon Minho returned, Jonghyun was not with him because his Mother was making him come back home. As bad as this is, it was a relief to have Onew leave because I wouldn't have to be constantly reminded of the space that was between us. Minho asked me how things went with Onew and I told him everything went fine. Minho sighed in relief. For a few minutes we sat in silence but then he turned to me suddenly serious.
"Key, We need to talk, There's something important I need to tell you...Something I should've told you a long time ago..."
I took a deep breath as I left the room my little brother was in. I wanted to go back and tell him everything, all the words between us that need to be brought out in the open but were always left unsaid. I hope he didn't feel abandoned, I hope he knows I don't blame him for the abuse I received at our Grandfather's hand, and I really hope he knows I need him as much as he needs me. In these past couple of years I've come to realize that my mother, as much as she tried to care for me, wanted me out of the house as did my step father. Minho, as nice as that kid was and as close as we had gotten was tired of putting up with my which was understandable I mean who wants a drug addict as a brother? My Grandfather was a monster and My grandmother cared for me but was too afraid of my grandfather. Then there was Key. We didn't talk much not at all but I knew through all of this he was the only one there for me. He was the only one that didn't look at me with disappointment in his eyes for what I've become. He looked at me as if he understood what it was like, which scared me. He doesn't do drugs but I could tell something was off about him... But I could never do anything. I wanted him to know I was there for him because really besides my friends he's the only person I have because he's my little brother. Even though we don't talk much, I know he'd be there for me no matter what. I remember when I had gotten sent to rehab he came to visit with our Mother, Grandmother, and Minho, which I didn't expect him to come at all. But he did. We didn't talk to each other but I could tell from the look in his eyes how worried he was about me. When they all left I had given him a hug hoping it could convey all the words I couldn't say but It probably didn't.
How I wish I could let my Brother know how much I cared about him but I could never do it. Every time I tried I chickened out. I'm such a failure. I wish I could just forget this forget everything there's just so many problems I needed to face but couldn't and I know what could fix this. I know how much it would hurt everyone for me to do this but I still do it all the time anyway.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered to no one in particular, but I had to do this. I wouldn't be okay if I didn't do this. So I left home and I went to go get high like I always do to escape the pain... To make everything okay.
So I hope you enjoyed~ :D
Sorry for any mistakes I missed~
I actually really didn't re-read this chapter very well I just kind of skimmed over it so I apologize but I have personal reasons for doing so. I hope you don't mind.
and Time for *drum roll* SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION :D
Heres the links to two angst-y one shots I've written, if you like this story you'll probably like these! So please read (and maybe comment?) it will make me very happy! :D
Baby don't try to stop me:
and
Sit and Listen... :
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