Hold On Pain Ends
Just Another Nothing.
And here is Ch.3~ :D
Thanks to everyone who commented and subscribed :D
Sorry about this chapter it's a bit shorter than the others xD
I got to wear my sparkly shoes today! (the ones in the picture xD) Now every time I wear them it makes me think of Kibum~ xD
I hope you enjoy! Sorry for any mistakes I missed~
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my picture and the plot~
Well, It had been a month since Jonghyun had come into my life and I can honestly say we've grown a lot closer. He doesn't know I cut and I could never tell him, just imagining the look on his face when he found out made me cringe... But then again maybe he wouldn't care. Yeah... He probably wouldn't care about someone like me, he was probably just nice to me out of pity... Right?
Well, It was the weekend and me and Jonghyun were in his room lying on his bed. He was one side of his bed and I was on the other. We were right next to each other, it might have been a little weird but Jonghyun was a very physical person...and I certainly didn't mind. I used to be like this with Minho way back when. It seems to me that maybe I can tell Jonghyun about Minho now...I know he was very curious. He never said so but every time the subject of Minho came up he always hinted at my relationship with Minho. I wondered if Minho had told him anything. Probably not.
"Hey, Jonghyun?", I asked turning to face him, "Has Minho ever told you anything about the two of us? You know... How we used to be?"
"No. I never asked him. I wanted you to tell me when you were ready to tell me, Kibum." Jonghyun said honestly, turning to face me; his eyes meeting mine. I looked into his eyes and I could almost feel the sincerity radiating from the depths of his chocolate brown eyes.
"Jonghyun... You said I could talk to you about anything and I guess I'm ready to tell you about Minho..." Jonghyun tried not to look excited but I could tell he was.
"But Jonghyun...There's one thing I've got to tell you before I tell you about Minho and I. Because you might not want to be my friend after I tell you this." I trailed off.
"Nothing could cause me to stop being your friend, Kibum." Jonghyun said reassuringly.
"Well...I've never really said this to anyone before...actually I've never even said it out loud... I guess Minho knows but I never said it outright, but here goes nothing... I like guys, Jonghyun." I was nervous as hell, what if he left like Minho did? What if he started treating me differently? I was expecting him to be disgusted and telling me to get out of his house but that's not what he did.
"That's fine, Kibum." He smiled at me. And for the second time Jonghyun almost made me smile. Almost
"Well we met in first grade..."
//flashback//
On the first day of first grade I had worn a red ribbon as a head band. It was tied in a bow that rested on my forehead. I thought I looked absolutely amazing; though now that I looked back on it, it was kind of stupid. The other little boys didn't think I looked great, they started calling me names and bullying me. There I was, a pathetic little boy with a ribbon in his hair crying his eyes out surrounded by other children, and that's when Minho came up. Minho had always been exceptionally tall for his age so the other kids were intimidated. He scared all the other kids away and came over to me and asked me if I was okay. And at that moment I was thoroughly convinced Minho was a Knight in shining armor for me...But then I looked at his face.
"Frog! You are not a knight, You are a frog prince!" I giggled not answering him.
"Frog? I just saved you and you are calling me a frog? is that how you thank people?!"
"No! I mean, since you just saved me and you look like a frog, You must be my frog prince!"
"So that makes you the princess?" He asked looking amused.
"Of course! You'll be the Prince and I'll be the princess! and we'll be best friends forever!" I beamed
"Okay, sure!"
"But, Your hair is too short to be a prince, You must grow it out!" and we just continued talking like that, we hit it off right away and after that we were joined at the hip. If I wasn't at his house he was at mine. There was a lot of skinship in our relationship, I initiated it and Minho didn't mind he went along with it. I always liked to cuddle with him because we slept in the same bed. I'd always rest my head on his shoulder or hold his hand and stuff like that. He never told me not to so I just did it. Since the first day I saw Minho he held a special place in my heart...I remember how handsome I thought he looked. I was so happy when he actually grew out his hair for me, and he kept it that way for a while. It was long enough to braid so I used to braid his hair a lot, he hated it but I thought it was fun. I remember how I'd go to every one of his soccer games, equipped with hand made glittery sign saying "GO MINHO!" and scream my lungs out cheering for him. I remember the way my heart fluttered when he smiled...I remember the first time I realized what I felt for Minho was more than friendship...The first time I realized I was in love with Minho.
We were lying in bed together we were in 7th grade now. Minho had his arms around me and my face was buried in his chest, I was wearing his jacket. I always stole his jacket from him because it smelled like him so when we were apart I always had a piece of him with me. My heart was beating fast, and I was wondering why I always thought about Minho...he was always on my mind. How when he smiled it light up the whole room...how I loved it when he laughed...Then it hit me like a freight train. Lying there in Minho's arms...It's where I wanted to stay forever. And it all made sense now. I was in love with Minho. I had always denied being attracted to guys. But in 7th grade I came to terms with that fact and now that I had accepted that part of me, my feelings for Minho became apparent. Now that I look back on it, I think he knew before I told him...I think he knew before I knew. I remember he used to always say:
"It's okay if you like boys, Key. Just don't like me."
Our parents got married when we were in 5th grade and that was all good. Even though I was always kind of jealous of Minho because everything he did was better than me my grandparents always talked about how much they loved Minho and how they wished I was more like him; I still loved him. Even after he became closer to my Brother than I was...I still loved him. Even though he always called me Key, and I hated that, I still loved him. He only called me that because he came to my house so much and that's what my grandparents called me he just got used to it. He never asked how I felt about it.
So anyways...This is how we fell apart and my life turned dark. When we were in 8th grade, I told him. I told him how I felt and he said it was okay...But he lied to me. After that he started distancing himself from me he got new friends, he wouldn't invite me over anymore...He cut his hair. That's when I knew he hated me, he'd grown his hair out for me so now that we weren't friends anymore he cut it. He knew I was already alone, he knew how bad my home life was, and how he was all I had. But he still left. That was four years ago, I was 13 at the time and now I just recently turned 17. Next year would be my last year in Highschool. Yet it still hurt, even though I'm in 11th grade now, My heart is still broken and I still love Minho. Just a little but my feeling are still there. After that the old Kibum, the one that was colorful and happy...He died. That's how I became who I am today.
//end flashback//
"...It hurt a lot. My heart was broken. I cried myself to sleep for almost a month after that." It's also when I started cutting, Minho wasn't the only reason I cut, what happened with him just started it, but I didn't say that. For moment Jonghyun just stared at me then pulled me over into his arms.
"You're crying again Kibum." He whispered. I was?... . Of course I was. Stupid Choi ing Minho. I said nothing, instead I clung to Jonghyun.
"Kibum...I will never leave you. I promise. I want to get to know you even better. You know Kibum, You never smile. I want to see you smile, Kibum. One day I'll make you smile. Kibum...I know this may sound weird, But I know you're broken. I don't know all the reasons why, But that's why I want to get to know you better. I want to fix you. I want the old Kibum to come back, I never met him, But I can tell he's still there somewhere. Otherwise you wouldn't wear those sparkly shoes would you? Will you let me fix you Kibum?" If he keeps saying things like this when I'm emotional I swear to go I'm going to cry enough to make a river. He's just so...sweet.
"No one has ever tried before..." I managed to choke out, it's really hard to talk when you cry.
"Will you let me try?" He said pulling me even closer. I just nodded...I didn't have heart to tell him someone like me can't be fixed. Even after I stopped crying. I stayed in Jonghyun's arms enjoying the warmth. Then horror spread through me like wild fire. It was late in the evening, probably about 11 pm. I was staying the night at Jonghyuns and me, being the I am. I had to bring a razor with me, and of course I cut. I had to, I'm not okay if I don't cut at least once a day... I have to cut. I need it. I had done it on my legs, after the first time on my legs I just decided to keep doing it there. I only had blue jeans clean today, if I bled on some of my darker colored jeans you wouldn't be able to tell...But lucky me only has blue skinny jeans. . So... My legs are bleeding again...probably a lot. My legs stung like hell it really hurt to lie on my side like this as well, though I had made quite a few deeper cuts too. Maybe if it just bled in one place I could get through this but my legs are covered in cuts, some from today, some from yesterday. . Why am I so stupid? Oh god. I'm probably getting blood on his covers. Okay...Okay. Calm down Kibum you can get yourself out of this. Oh , what the is he doing? and I'm screwed. Jonghyun was pulling back gently releasing me. Well at least now I can casually glance down at my legs to see how bad it is...Bloody hell. Literally. You see what I did there?...Never mind now is not the time for jokes.
My once blue jeans...Were not very blue anymore. This what I get for cutting deep. There were several wet bloody splotches on my jeans now, and they weren't small. and.... Since we had been so close when he was holding me there was blood on his pants too. Yeah, I've bled on my pants before but it's never been this bad. Oh my god what if he looks down. Please don't look down. Please don't look down. Please don't...Oh he's talking, Listen Kibum!
"So what do you want to do now, Kibum?...Kibum?" Jonghyun asked trying to get my attention.
"Uhmmm... I have to go to the um...Bathroom!" I said quickly and Jonghyun moved to get off the bed...That's when the plan went wrong.
"Oh my god, Kibum! What happened to your legs?!" Jonghyun exclaimed looking down at me.
"uh...Nothing?" I tried to get up and run but he grabbed me. Oh god damn it I have cuts there too.
"Kibum, I can tell you're hiding something. We're both guys here, why don't you let me help you? You're bleeding a lot."
"Uh, No that's okay I can take care of myself..."
"Kibum, don't make me force you." Well . Jonghyun was a lot stronger than I was. He could probably hold me down and rip my pants off me if I don't listen to him. But he couldn't find out about my cutting!
"But...Jonghyun...Please..." I whispered. And here come the tears. Why am I so god damned emotional? No one else makes me like this except for this bastard!
"Kibum. Unless you have something to hide you'll let me help you. You agreed to let me fix you." Jonghyun said sternly. I've kept this a secret for four years and Jonghyun just comes along messes everything up! God damn it! I'm not really embarrassed about taking my pants off in front of another person it's just my cuts...He can't know! . What do I do? I tried harder to get away. But I couldn't. Well... This is what I've come to isn't it? I started laughing. I probably looked even worse than I normally do, hair greasy, bags under my eyes, tears running down my face, blood seeping through my jeans, and I was laughing. He probably thought I was crazy.
"After four years... Four years of hiding have all gone down the drain. Is this what I've come to?" I turned around to face him looking him directly in the eyes, my wrist still in his grasp.
"Fine. You want to know who I really am? You want to know how pathetic I really am. Fine." His grip on my wrist had loosened so I managed to get it out this time. I turned around first I ped my jacket, why not? if was going to see my legs why not my arms too? I threw my jacket on the ground then ed my pants I pulled them off, ignoring the burning pain. I kicked them aside, took a deep breath and turned around. Blood flowing down my legs and tears flowing out my eyes... This was the real me.
"...Now you know. This is what I've become...This is what..." I tried to finish but I couldn't. I was now sobbing, I collapsed on the floor bringing my legs up to me curled up in a fetal position. I couldn't bear to look at Jonghyun...I felt so exposed. I heard footsteps. I looked up Jonghyun had dragged the chair from his desk over to me. What was he doing? He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. He sat me down in the chair then told me to wait here. A few minutes later he came back with some gauze, disinfectant, and a damp towel. I just stared at him with tears running down my face. He started cleaning up my legs with the towel, wiping off all the blood and bandaging them. He was being extremely gentle... why? why was he doing this? He was supposed to be disgusted. I watched as the angry red marks disappeared under the white gauze.
Once he finished my legs, he moved up to my arms. But this time he paused. He grabbed my left arm and stared. Taking in all the cuts and scars. I felt something wet land on my arm... Was he crying? Oh my god...I made him cry. Doesn't he understand I'm not worth his tears? I'm such a horrible person.
Once he finished my arms he passed me some of his pajamas. I guess I forgot to bring mine. I pulled my shirt off, then pulled on his oversized pajamas. It was a loose long sleeved shirt and loose pants that hung low on my hips.
"I'm sorry Jonghyun. I'm sorry I'm so pathetic. I'm not worth your tears maybe after this you should just leave me alone. Now that you know how pathetic I am... I understand that you're disgusted with me and that you probably hate me now..." I whispered playing with the hem of Jonghyun's oversized shirt I was going to continue but Jonghyun pulled me into a hug.
"Don't talk like that Kibum. I think you're amazing. I'm going to make you see that. It hurts so much to see you like this Kibum...I know I've only known you a month but I really care about you. I don't want you to hurt yourself...Though I know you probably will keep hurting yourself no matter what I say. But I'm going to find a way to make you stop. I'm going to help you be happy Kibum." Jonghyun ran his hand up and down my back comfortingly.
"Don't tell anyone...Please. I don't know what I'd do if anyone else found out." If my grandparents knew...They probably wouldn't care but that's why I didn't want them to know. Because I didn't want to see them actually not care...I mean I knew they wouldn't but to actually see it... It would hurt too much.
"I'll keep it a secret Kibum..."
"Thank you..." I wrapped my arms around his waist resting my head on his shoulder. I could tell he was still crying... But for the first time I felt like there was hope...That maybe everything could get better.
I always liked Minho with long hair better, you know how he was in Hello baby. Not that he looks bad with short hair But I prefer it when he has long hair <3 xD
He really does look like a prince with long hair xD
You know what I noticed. Kibum has cried in every chapter...Well it's not my fault. This story writes itself I have no control over it xD
I hope you enjoyed~ :D
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