It's a Monster...a Monster.
Just Another Nothing.
Whoa. The story hasn't even started yet and I have 18 subscribers. I'm so happy! But kind of scared...I hope I don't disappoint anybody!
I hope you enjoy~
Remember, this contains self harm so if you don't like, don't read.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the picture and the plot~
"Huh...What was that?"
Jonghyun's eyes searched the room looking for the source of the silver glint that had just caught his eye. Finally his eyes landed on a pair of crossed feet at the end of his row. There were two silver sparkling shoes on said feet. His eyes traveled up to see the face of the person wearing the distracting shoes. Jonghyun recognized the boy, who was wearing all black, still in the same hoodie he had worn all year. But he never talked, only when forced by a teacher did one word ever leave the teenagers mouth; even when he did talk it was barely above a whisper. Jonghyun really never noticed him, well at least not until today. Usually Jonghyun was late to class so he was never here when other kids walked in. But today, since the teacher had threatened him with detention, his parents would kill him if he got detention so he made it to class on time today. The kid with sparkly shoes was late, but it didn't look like he cared. Jonghyun wondered if he was late everyday.
Jonghyun wasn't even listening to the teacher, it was like the boy had cast a spell on him. The boy had a blank expression on his face his eyes were glued on the floor, but from the look in the boy's eyes he was worlds away from reality, deep in the depths of his mind. His hands clutched the sleeves of his black jacket; subconsciously pulling them down. Jonghyun sort of wished the boy would look up so he could get a better look at his face. There had to be more to this boy than what there seemed, Jonghyun decided. Why else would he wear shoes like that? Jonghyun had decided he'd like to get to know this kid, whoever he was. At the moment Jonghyn wasn't even sure of what his name was.
"Jonghyun, Please turn around. If you want to stare at Kibum you can do it outside of class." His Teachers voice broke into his trance.
Jonghyun whipped around in his seat, his eyes widening and a slight pink tinge rose to his cheeks. He hadn't even realized he'd been staring at the boy, Who's name he now knew to be Kibum. For the rest of the hour Jonghyun kept thinking about Kibum. Something was off about him and Jonghyun was going to find out what it was. Now that Jonghyun thought about it, that kid always wore that jacket, always. Even when it was hot outside. Who does things like that? It's just weird. Jonghyun decided he was going to eat lunch with Kibum, his friends would just have to deal with it.
Finally, first period ended so Jonghyun began to pack up his things slowly so he could say hi to Kibum. Jonghyun soon discovered, Kibum took a very long time to pack his things. Finally Kibum stepped away from his desk and began to walk out the door to his next class. Jonghyun followed after him, slowly falling into place beside him.
"Hello, I'm Kim Jonghyun."
"...Kim Kibum." Kibum didn't even look at him when he responded, his eyes still on the ground. Jonghyun wouldn't have even been sure Kibum replied if he hadn't seen his lips move, his response coming out barely more than a whisper. Kibum had even started walking faster, trying to get away from Jonghyun.
Jonghyun was going to say something again but he was about to be late to his next class and Kibum was walking too fast.
Jonhyun sighed, this kid was so strange. But Jonghyun wasn't one to give up easily. He was going to figure this kid out, somehow.
Why did Jonghyun do that? Why would he stare at someone like me, a hideous nothing, and then come introduce his self to me? I hope he'll just leave me alone. I know he doesn't want to be friends, nobody wants to be friends with me. I'm surprised the teacher even knew my name, I guess its only because I'm late everyday. No one really pays any attention to me, and when they do they give up quickly because they realize how horrible I am...Whoa! My train of thought got cut short when someone ran directly into me. I opened my mouth to apologize, even though they were the ones that ran into me, but they were already gone. I sighed, of course. This happens all the time, people just literally run into me and walk off. It's like I'm invisible.
I didn't even wince at the deep burning pain in my arm, the person the ran into me caused me to slam into a wall, pressing my arm directly up against it. I really didn't care. It hurt like hell, but I was used to it. I made my way to my seat in 2nd period. I sat down and sighed, I slid my arm under my desk so I could hold the fabric on my jacket away from my wrist and not look stupid. My wrist was now bleeding again; I didn't want the wounds to heal on the jacket, it would just hurt like hell later when I took it off and I didn't want to get blood on my jacket.
I sighed and stared down at the floor. I knew I should be paying attention to my teacher but I wasn't. I just...I couldn't. I knew I was capable of doing good at school, but the fact I could and never did made everything so much worse. I have no will to do anything at all, I only get out of bed every morning because my grandparents make me. I was just so...tired. All the time, it didn't matter if I got 10 hours of sleep or just 3, I'm always exhausted. I can't focus, and I'm constantly swimming in a deep pit of depression. I was just tired of everything. I'd kill myself...But I can't. I'm too afraid it won't work,too afraid I'll wake up in a hospital and I couldn't take that. So I'm stuck waiting for the day I won't be afraid...I think it will come soon.
I spend almost everyday thinking of ways to kill myself. Everyday. But I can never do it. I'm such a coward, so I just go on hating myself and slicing open my pretty white skin. Writing stories on my body with my beautiful razor as the pen. I don't know if I can ever stop this, I've doing it for years. Will it ever end? Will a day come when I cut too deep? I have cut so many times even my scars have scars. I don't know why I started but...Sometimes I wish I hadn't. I feel like I'll never be able to stop, I cut because of the stupidest reasons sometimes. But I can't stop, this depression. It's a monster...A monster and its sunk its claws in me and won't let go, I don't think it ever will. I tried to fight it but eventually I just gave up. I won't win. This is going to make me destroy myself and I really don't care.
The day stretches on, each minutes feeling like years in my world of gray. It is finally lunch time and I stand in line alone; the voices of other kids laughing and talking with their friends buzzes around me like an annoying fly, sending me deeper into this endless pit of depression. I'll never be like them. No one wants to be friends with someone like me...I'm just a monster that's out to destroy himself. No one wants to be friends with a kid like me. In a world full of people I shall always be alone. No one will ever be there for me, people have come and gone but no one ever stayed because I always pushed them away. I'm just such a downer, a thunder cloud of gray depression always rains down on me, people just don't like being around me. But it's okay I understand, and by now I'm used to it. Hell, I'm not even noticeable enough to get bullied. Though I guess I should be thankful, but at least if I was bullied people would know I exist. Besides the bullies words wouldn't bother me, My grandfather always insults me and tears me down...would bullying by kids be any different?
It's finally my turn to check out and once that is finished I go directly to the trash can. I drop my food in without even eating it. I only get food because my school will call your parents if you stop buying food for 2 weeks so I just buy it and throw it away. I really don't care about eating, I don't deserve to eat anyways. I go the table I always sit at, it's in the back far away from everyone else. I'm the only one that sits there, an outcast from the rest of the world.
I sighed, now I just had to sit here and wait for forty long minutes. I was about to slide my hand inside my wrist to scratch it when someone sat down next to me. I didn't even look up at his face, I rarely ever tore my eyes off the ground so I really didn't know what anyone looked like, but I could tell them apart from their shoes. I reconized those shoes from earlier, this was Jonghyun. What was he doing?
I walked in the cafeteria with my friends Minho and Taemin when I spotted Kibum. He was in a different line from us standing alone, staring at the ground like usual. I couldn't help myself from staring at him. I wanted to know why he was so quiet all the time, I really don't know what made him so special to catch my attention...Maybe it was those sparkly shoes. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed them before. They certainly stood out, no one else wore shoes like that. Jonghyun wanted to know what his personality was like under that blank expression and all the black he wore. There had to be something he was hiding under there. I lost track of him as I was getting my food, but it probably wouldn't be hard to find him again.
As Minho, Taemin, and I were going to sit down my eyes scanned the cafeteria and as I predicted I found Kibum in the back of the cafeteria.
"Sorry guys, I'm going to go sit with my other friend today I hope you don't mind." I said quickly and went in the direction of Kibum not even waiting for their response.
I sat down next to him and immediately noticed his hand was up his sleeve. Huh...That was kind of strange. Oh well. He pulled his hand out from his sleeve and...was that blood on his fingers? Maybe I was just seeing things. Probably. He didn't even look up.
"Hi Kibum." I said. He didn't even respond. No nod, no hum, no nothing.
"So...why don't you have any food?" I tried to make conversation.
"...Not hungry." It was only two words and I barely heard it over the chatter of the other students in the cafeteria. I noticed Kibum had slid over further in his seat putting more space between them.
"...So uh...Kibum...uh...I like your shoes." Oh...Great one, Jonghyun. Now he's going to think you're weird.
"...Thanks." Kibum whispered. I really needed to think of something to say to him, I want to be friends with him but it's not going to work like this.
"Why do you wear that jacket all the time?" Oh . I did not mean to say that. Kibum's eyes widened a little and he sort of curled into himself crossing his arms over his chest. I think that's the most emotion I've ever seen on his face.
"...I like it." He said even quieter than before.
"Oh...Okay." There seemed to be more to it than that but I didn't want to scare him away before I even got the chance to be friends with him.
"What do you want? No one even knows I exist. What could you possibly want from me?" Kibum suddenly asked actually speaking in an almost normal volume.
"I just want to be you friend Kibum. You don't seem to have any, and you seem kind of interesting. So I decided to be your friend, I hope I'm not bothering you." I answered honestly hoping it might make him want to try to be friends.
"You don't want to be friends with someone like me." Kibum said, there was so much sadness behind that statement I swear my heart almost broke into a million
pieces.
"What do you mean someone like you?" I questioned. Kibum said nothing, he just began to stand up. My eyes widened, he was leaving? I couldn't let that happen. I got up too and grabbed his wrist. Kibum hissed in pain, and tried to rip his arm from my grasp, but couldn't get away. I was surprised, I hadn't even grabbed him that hard, how could that hurt? Kibum's eyes widened in panic.
"Let me go." He demanded.
"No Kibum, I want to be friends."
"NO YOU DON'T!", He suddenly lashed out speaking louder than anyone had ever heard him speak before, "AS SOON AS YOU FIND OUT HOW MUCH OF A MONSTER I AM YOU'LL JUST LEAVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS!" He yelled as he winced in pain trying to get his wrist out of my grip his eyes still glued on the ground. My eyes widened as tears flowed down his face.
"Kibum...I...", I began releasing his wrist, But he cut me off.
"No. Just don't. I won't let you give me false hope. So just leave me alone and never talk to me again." He finished not talking as loud as he was before. He then took the chance to run off out of the cafeteria and I just stood there in shock and that's when I realized how much of a scene we had just caused because everyone in the cafeteria was staring in my direction.
I can't believe that just happened, what is wrong with me? I thought as I ran to the bathroom. I am such a ing failure...He wanted to be me friend and I just pushed him away. Maybe it would've been better this time...Ha yeah right. I shouldn't even think that way, who would want to be friends with a up like me? I was now in one of the bathroom stalls. . everything. I need to cut. I need it. I need to rip my skin open. I need this. I hate this, I hate myself. I'll never be good enough for friends. I continued to bring myself down and I knew then I needed my blade. I wondered when I got to this point. I was actually carrying a razor with me to school. How pathetic. Oh well. I ped my hoodie and slid it off. I reached in the pocket where I had a little black box. I carefully slid the razor out of box and stare at it for a second. It was beautiful, a metallic silver glinting in the artificial light. I grinned in anticipation for what was about to come. I needed this.
I looked down at my arms already covered in ugly raised scars some worse than others. It it went from my wrist all the way up to my shoulders. At first it was only my left wrist but it grew. The urge to cut spread through my blood like poison and the scars covered my arms like a disease. Fast spreading and unstoppable. There was barely any room on my left arm to cut it was already covered in bright red cuts, some that had recently stopped bleeding. Almost no inch of unscarred or uncut skin was visible. My right arm was the same. I exhaled in frustration. this . I ripped my shirt off, if I couldn't do it on my arms I could just do it here.
I placed the blade on my hip and a small smile grew on my lips, I needed this. I pressed down and slashed my skin open as hard as I could. I gasp, I had forgotten this blade was new. A wide gash was now burning on my hip. I stared at it mesmerized it was a beautiful white for a few fleeting seconds before the blood started flowing it filled the cut and spilled out over my skin. I watched it bleed with a sick satisfaction. But no, I'm not done yet. Not even close. I slashed and slashed again going across my stomach to my other hip.
No one will ever be my friend.
Slash!
I'm so ing stupid.
Slash!
Why can't I just die?
Slash!
Everyone hates me!
Slash!
I took a deep breath my new cuts stinging as I did so. I looked down at them admiring my work as my negative feelings writhed inside of me. Thrashing around, and slowly mellowing out as they bled through the cuts on my skin. There was probably about 100 there, which was nothing new. I normally never go without making at least 100 at a time. I always count and keep track of my cuts...I'll document these later.
I stared as the blood flowed out of the cuts staining the top of my jeans. Oh well, their black and it's not like I can't wash it out. Some of the cuts where clotting up now, and he smiled again. I loved it when blood wasn't completely dry but almost there, it always made a nice blood clot. I tried to pinch the droplet of blood off, which wasn't easy. Every time I got it, it always had one thread of blood that wouldn't break and pulled it back down to my skin. But I was good at this, it was easy to get it off without breaking the clot if you just tried. Finally I got it and slid it off his fingers and into my mouth. It was almost like eating a berry, the flavor exploding in my mouth when it broke. I loved the flavor of my blood, the metallic taste filling my mouth.
I continued this process, literally eating my own blood, until I was satisfied. Yeah, it was gross and unhealthy. But I really don't care.Most of the wounds had stopped bleeding by now so I slid my shirt and hoodie back on. My hoodie was large so it covered the bloody parts of my jeans. I slid the razor back in the black box and put it in my hoodie pocket. The metallic taste of blood remained in my mouth, I slid my tongue over my teeth to make sure I had none on my teeth. I then got toilet paper to soak up the splattered blood on the floor. When I finished that I went to the sinks to wash the blood of my hands, I laughed dryly as I thought if I walked out of the bathroom with my hands this dirty people might think I murdered somebody, but then realized no one would probably notice even if I did. Once I got the blood of my hands I washed it off my lips and around my mouth. I looked in the mirror to see my hideous face staring back at me. I looked like , greasy hair seeing as I barely had enough motivation to shower maybe 2 or 3 times a week, bags under my eyes, made worse by the crying earlier, and just a general repulsiveness.
I made my way out of the bathroom and looked at the clock. I then realized I had missed the rest of lunch as well as pretty much all of 5th hour. Had I really been in there that long? Oh well. I slowly made my way to my 6th period as the bell rang and the hall filled with students that paid no attention to me. As always, I was alone in a sea full of people.
As sixth period ended I left my class and made my way to my locker. I was getting my bag when a familiar pair of shoes appeared by my side. I promptly ignored him and got my stuff, shut my locker and walked away from him.
"Kibum! Wait! I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to make you cry. I really do want to be friends with you, I ditched my best friends just to talk to you! Can you just please give me a chance?" Jonghyun pleaded. I stopped and turned around, and for the first time in a very long time I actually looked someone in the eyes. I stared in awe as my eyes met with his chocolate brown eyes. He was so...Handsome. He looked shocked too as he studied my face probably realizing how hideous I was...But the look in his eyes. He looked sincere...Maybe he really wanted to be my friend...I can't believe I'm doing this but...
"Fine...Fine. You can try to be friends with me. But I guarantee nothing on my part." I said softly my eyes glued on his.
"Great!" He smiled, and his smile was so bright I almost smiled sincerely for the first time in years. Almost.
Sorry for any mistakes I missed!
This is like the longest thing I've ever written. No joke. I'm used to writing really short one shots so xD.
Oh and sorry if I did really bad I'm trying to get used to writing in first person but sometimes I slip into third person in the middle of trying to write first person, I think I fixed it all but if I missed something I'm sorry xD
OH and I wrote a sort of crack version of the cafeteria scene with Kibum and Jonghyun I might post it in the next authors note xD
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